(Im)patiently Waiting My Turn

Jenna/Adventures In Waiting

2008-01-10T14:23:00.000-06:00

11:18 am Last text from Jenna saying she's nervous but will call after baby is here.

12:30 Scheduled C-section

2:15 Still in surgery (please keep praying)

2:18 Baby Boy was born weighing 7 lbs 2 oz.
CONGRATULATIONS JENNA!!!

The End. and lots of pics.

2008-01-07T16:18:00.000-06:00

"Hmm, this present thing... I'm liking this!"

"I don't need help momma, I got this!"

Playing with Daddy

Relaxing with momma

My 27th Birthday - Birthday wish come true

All Boy!

CHEEEESE!

Cheese-ing up again for the camera

Topping our tree together

"Get me out from under this tree..."

"Right NOW!"

Santa's happy little helper

"Mom, I hate this hat!"

"And this hat!"

Like this one!

Our first year to have THREE stockings

This is the Christmas Stocking that I came home
from the hospital in when I was born.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

I haven't been a good blogger since... well.... Since I have been taken off bed rest and had Joey. And I've been thinking that with the closing of the year 2007, I feel its time for me to close this chapter of my life. I have been (Im)patiently Waiting My Turn blogging my thoughts and my feelings during my battle against infertility, and the grief from my previous losses for quite some time now. And doing so, has helped me so much. But... I feel its important to give this chapter an end to symbolize the end of a long and painful experience, so I can move forward. I have won my war with infertility, and I hope many more of my friends I've made online will one day win theirs too. I have quite a few battle scars from the fight, but I'll keep those close to my heart as a reminder of what I went through to have my precious son. I've won this battle with the help of some key people whom I would like to thank.

First, I would like to give my thanks to our Savior Jesus Christ. There were many MANY days when all I had left in me was a prayer. When I think of my struggle I think of the poem Footprints. It has always been a poem that I've loved, and I feel that in my lowest times in my life, He was always there to carry me through. Thank you Jesus.

Next, to my patient and loving husband of 6 years (together for 10 years). I couldn't have done this alone and if there was anyone that deserves the biggest thanks (next to Jesus) its my husband. This year he did EVERYTHING for me, he was my arms, my legs, banker, chef, house maid, lawn service, taxi driver, pedicure technician, leg-shaver, financial support, emotional & spiritual support, and many many more things... And he never got frustrated (in front of me) and he never left my side. He IS my soul mate, and I will forever love this man. Thank you, sweetheart.

And last but not least, thank you to my family and friends including my online friends. There are 52 weeks in a year and I was on bed rest 20 of them. Thank you for the laughs, the tears, and for the listening ear when all I wanted to do is vent my fears, complaints, or just talk to occupy my mind. Thank You.

I've come to the realization that I still hurt for my babies I lost, and I always will. But since I've become a mom to a living child, it has opened my eyes to a new kind of love I didn't know I had in me. I have a new love for "the GOOD man upstairs", my husband, my son, and even for myself. For so long I hated my body for letting me down so many times, but I am changing that. I'm no longer going to view my body as my enemy, I'm determined to try to fix what I can to restore some youth so I can be around when my son is older.

Wrapping this up...

So is this the end of Jennie, Richard and Joey? Well, of course not. I am going to leave this blog up just a little while longer, meanwhile I'll be starting a new fresh blog for Joey. I'm going to make it solely his, so I can invite my family and friends updated on him and how he's doing. I will post the name and address of it soon.

Well ladies, I WILL be checking in on you gals.
Best wishes to those pregnant.
Good Luck to the new mommies.
And as always my heart and sincerest prayers go out to those struggling with infertility, secondary infertility and pregnancy/infant loss.

Signing Off
Jennie, Richard and Joey

1st Christmas Pictures

2007-12-17T11:35:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we took Joey in to take his Christmas pictures. We were referred by a few friends to this great place (Por.trait Innov.ations) that'll take professional pictures for a reasonable price, show you proofs on a big screen plasma television, help you choose your poses and package and in 15-30 minutes you are walking out the door pictures IN HAND!

We strategically planned our appointment for an hour after his feeding time that way he'll be fed and just waking up from a nap. And normally after he wakes up he's all smiles and coos. Well we get there, I get him dressed in his Christmas outfit and he gives me the biggest cutest smile and throws up all over his outfit. CRAP! So I'm frantically wiping his sweater trying to get it all off. And as I'm wiping him up he spits up again. I catch it in my hand, and have to hand off Joey to Richard so I could walk outside to "water" the tree courtesy of Joey.

So we get called to start out session. The lady places Joey in a gift box, I'm thinkin, "OMG that's gonna be so frickin cute!" And Joey throws up, this time not only did he completely drench his sweater, he got it all over his pants and he got it all over the silky blanket inside the box. Ok, so I clean him up again, and by this time the sweater is too wet and disgusting to leave it on him so I take it off.

We take a few more poses and he's throwing up more milk than what I thought he took down... So we change him into outfit #2. And he must have had an empty stomach by that time because he didn't spit up anymore. We finally finish, we choose our poses and in 15 minutes we were on our way home with pictures in hand.

Our original plan was to take family portraits for our first Christmas with Joey but of all times, Richard got a nasty sty on his upper eye lid, and his entire eye lid is swollen. Its so bad that one eye looks 50% smaller than the other. Its really noticeable. So we x'ed that idea. We just may have to take our own pics at home. But we did set up another appointment in January, to take generational pictures with all of my in-laws, so hopefully Richard's eye will be better and we all will be in good health to take some pictures.

So here they are:

This is the picture we're sending out with our Christmas cards.

These pictures are unedited, the ones that were printed were cropped

And finally, our little Gift from God.

This is the only pose we got with the choo-choo train sweater vest.

As you guessed, we got suckered into buying a ton of pictures. It was just to hard to pick one pose for $9.99 so we chose 12 poses out of the 60 shots taken. So I told Richard that the pictures are my birthday gift, since Saturday was my birthday. I turned the big 27, EEEK!

And Sunday was my parents 29th wedding anniversary, yay for them!

Pictures: Baby showers, Halloween, Thanksgiving & Christmas

2007-11-30T21:10:00.000-06:00

I've been a bad blogger, but I've got a ton of pictures to update yall with.

6 weeks

Joey's baby shower. Given by my mom & sister.

My dad and husband playing one of the shower games.

The men had untie and retie their shoes the fastest without popping their balloon baby bellies. THAT was HILARIOUS!

To much fun in one day. (Napping in his Moses basket)

My little family. (Joey at 8 weeks)

Joey's baby shower, given by my in-laws.

Cake & cookies
The cookies were shaped as blue & white rattles, booties and onsies

Me & JoJo at his shower. (Joey at 9 wks)

Signs my SIL made for the party.

Fall 2007

Halloween

My little Pea in a Pod

Passed out from a Halloween candy suger high. lol

Thanksgiving

10 weeks

11 weeks

Bath time in the sink

"I love bath time"

"... and play time."

Chillin' on our way to our 2 month appt.

Trying to capture a smile.

"Gooooo"
(Almost a smile)

I'm gonna catch a smile sooner or later.

"JOOOOY to the world"

"Come on mom, get the picture and get me off this man's lap"

Last night daddy finally put the swing together.

He loved it!

Now I love it.

Update 11/20/07

2007-11-14T21:05:00.000-06:00

Its been a while since I've blogged, life has been keeping us extremely busy. Every weekend we're out doing something different. So let me catch ya up some.

Joey is doing great. He had his 2 month appt Nov 9th and he weighed 10 lbs 12oz. and 22 3/4 inches long. Just 4 more ounces and he doubles his birth weight, which I'm sure he already has by now. He got 3 shots and he didn't even cry. He screamed once when the first needle went in, and the nurse administered the other 2 so fast he didn't have time to take a breath before it was all over with. He's getting chubby and starting to "talk" a lot. He's cooing and gurgling, he also expresses his excitement by lifting his eyebrows and squealing. I LOVE IT! He's also starting to smile, its really cute. I'm trying to get it captured in a picture but its so hard. I'll get it soon enough.

Nov 12th Joey had a appt with his pediatric hematologist at TX Children's Hospital and it went well. He had some lab work done, and we're still waiting for the results.

Oct 28th & Nov 4th I had my baby showers. Joey went to both and everyone got to meet him. He got tons of good gifts. I counted 34 complete outfits, that's shirt & pants. Some had hoodies, caps, booties. Now with his hand-me-downs AND his new stuff, he has more clothes than he can even think about wearing. Everyday he has something different on, I don't think I've repeated an outfit on him yet.

For Halloween he was a pea in a pod. We went trick-or-treating at my parents and also at my in-laws house. He pretty much slept through the whole thing... But we got some cute pictures which I'll have to post later.

Update on me:

My liver enzymes are returning to a normal range. And I talked to my Oncologist about birth control. Because of the blood clotting disorder (MTHFR gene mutation) I can't take BCP because estrogen increases risk of clotting. So we've got the ok, and we're going with the Mir.ena IUD and that should be inserted as soon as AF comes to visit me... If "she" comes before the new year it will be covered 100% by my insurance. So I'm praying "she" comes soon, REAL SOON. If not, we'll be forking out 4 to 5 hundred dollars. Yuck.

I had an upper endoscopy done this past Thursday and it was found that I have acid reflux, and a hernia. I don't have any details on either, since the GI talked to my mom after the procedure. So I have to go back for a follow-up to get some details. Now I'm on Nexium 40mg.

I am enjoying my little Joey. I love, LOVE everything about being his mommy. Its hard work, but when he flashes me that silly little slobbery smile or when he falls asleep on my chest with his arms wrapped around me there is no better feeling in the world.

I'll have to write about my "Proud Mommy Moments" at a later time, this post is getting a little long. Ohhhh and I've made the exciting trip with Joey to the Mecca- Wal-Mart. I'll post about that later too. I'm at work, and gotta get back.

Last but not least.

Happy Thanksgiving. As we will be counting our blessings this holiday, I want you to know that you, your support and our friendship is something I am thankful for. Its been a busy year for us all, but I hope this Thursday you can sit down with your family and enjoy a great meal together. Life is short, and so many things and people are taken for granted. Don't let the day go by without expressing your gratitude to your loved ones.

And if your anything like the women in our family, once you've eaten that last piece of pumpkin pie you'll be sitting down with the Black Friday ads planning out your route for the next morning. We'll be getting up at 2 to be out the door and in line at the stores by 3 or 4:00am.
To all those shopping with me, be careful, if you can go with someone do so, and get your running shoes on! Its SHOPPING TIME BABY! WOOOOOO HOOOOO!!!!

(We're spending the night at my in-laws house on Thanksgiving because my oh-so-wonderful MIL volunteered to watch Joey so Richard and I can go shopping.)

GI

2007-10-29T15:20:00.000-05:00

Going back to my "6 week postpartum" entry, I mentioned I've had 3 attacks and was going in for an ultrasound. Well I got the ultrasound report in and it states that there are no gallstones however the report says 'the liver is echogenic, compatible with grade II fatty infiltrate. No focal lesions are seen, intraheptic biliary ducts are not dialated.' On the bottom of the report it restates I have 'grade II fatty infiltrate of the liver.' Another thing, my CBC (complete blood count) report came attached to the back of the ultrasound report along with a referral to see a Gastroenterologist. The CBC report had 3 things highlighted, apparently my liver enzyme levels are elevated.

Alkaline Phosphatase -- 142 ----normal is 33-115

AST------------------- 156 -------------- 10-30

ALT------------------ 342 --------------- 6-40

This morning at 10:15 I went to the GI dr. and he Rx'ed me Nex.ium along with OTC Vitamin E. We'll see how that helps. Dr. said that normally women that have just had a baby are usually susceptible for fatty cells developing in the liver (because of the weight gain & loss) and for having these attacks. Since the developing baby in utero causes one's organs to shift upward making room for him/her, once the baby is out and the organs begin to 'migrate' back into place that's when issues tend to arise. I'm thinking, "Great! Just what every new mom needs, more issues to face while trying to adjust to having a newborn! That's not right!"
Now I'm scheduled for a Upper Endoscopy for Thursday Nov.15th 7:30am. So we'll see how that goes... hmmm. Sounds like fun.

Also in that 6 week postpartum post I mentioned that Joey has 2 copies of the MTHFR gene mutation. So I've made him an appointment to see a Pedi-Hematologist to discuss what the protocol is going to be for him. So Joey's got an appointment tomorrow at 11:45 at Texas Children's Hosp.

PooPoo & FooFoo baby shower

2007-10-23T21:21:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I took my little man to see his Pediatrician because he wasn't feeling good. He had been inconsolably crying for hours and wouldn't sleep unless he was swaddled tightly and in my arms. (Slightly TMI) Over the weekend he became constipated and yesterday his tummy felt bloated. I talked to the Dr Saturday and he told us to do 2 things. One, sit him in a bath of warm water with a little baking soda. Supposedly the baking soda is to relax his little...um... **whispering** ana.l sphin.cter. And he also told me to give him 1 ounce of baby apple juice or baby prune juice a day until "it" happens. We did both and neither worked. Three days of non-stop crying and I'm exhausted mentally & physically, and my poor baby is too. It makes me so sad to hear his painful cry, its a helpless feeling. Sunday morning at 5:30am he finally cried himself to sleep. I couldn't put him down because he'd start crying again, so we slept together in the recliner. Anything to get him to stop crying, and to sleep. Sunday and Monday night, same thing. We camped out in the recliner together and got a little more sleep. So the Dr. told me I could give him 1/4 of a Pedi-glycerin suppository twice a day or until "it" softens. We did it, and it worked. And I don't think there was ever a time in my life when I was this happy to see poopoo. lol.

At the appointment Joey was weighed, and my little guy is now a 9 pounder! I was thinking he was 8 and some change. But he is 9 lbs. 1.5 oz.

Well this weekend my mom & sister are throwing us a baby shower/meet the baby. Its gonna be so much fun. Its gonna be a Co-ed party and all of my aunts, uncles & cousins are coming. My dad is BBQing, and my sister has some games planned that sound so much fun. I can't wait! AND!!!!!! Next weekend my SIL's & MIL are throwing us a baby shower. This one is gonna be more "foo foo" and traditional, you know ladies only (and Joey too), hor' devours and cake that kind of stuff.

6wk Postpartum

2007-10-17T14:36:00.000-05:00

I just got back from my 6wk postpartum/post-op appt. For the most part, it went well.

We talked about contraceptive options since we're not currently TTC and little did I know that the MTHFR (one copy of C677T gene mutation) that I have is going to cut back my options. I have to call and schedule an appointment with a Hematologist to discuss what he suggests I do/take without putting myself at to much risk for blood clotting. So my options are good ole condoms (ummm NO!), an IUD (Mir.ena or Pe.raGard), Progestin-Only BCP, or Tubal Ligation (which I'm not ready to commit to.) So until I talk to the Hemotologist, it looks like condoms are our only option. Crap! Oh well, I guess its better than nothing. Dr. orders we've abstained since December, so its been more than 10 months without sex. So tonight we're turning off the TV early, switching the ringers off on the house phone and we're gonna have ourselves a little alone time. That is If/When Joey decides to go to sleep. Gah, I hope he sleeps...

Anywho... I don't think I've mentioned it yet but tomorrow I have an ultrasound. Obviously, not the fun kind either. I'm going in for an ultrasound on my chest. This week I've had 3 "attacks" and from what I'm gathering it might be my gallbladder. The attacks are severely painful, honestly it is more painful than labor pain and c-section incision pain. My appointment is at 9:00am so I'll have to chime yall in once I find out what's happenin. Today my Ob said that its not uncommon for a woman's gallbladder to start acting up after she's given birth. In fact, that's when BOTH my SIL's gallbladders acted up. They've both had to have their gallbladders removed, and I'm thinking that's the path I'm headed towards. However, one of my SIL's told me to take care of it before it becomes an emergency situation because if its not an emergency the incisions are done w/laser and are tiny and the healing time is short. If I let it get outta hand, and it becomes an emergency then I will end up with a nice incision as big as my c-section incision. And I'll be damned if I have another incision as big as my c-section open up on me again. My husband will down right divorce me (and I don't blame him) before he has to stuff his hand in my stomach again to stuff a wound.

On to other things:
Joey is doing good, we're having a small run in with Thrush, but nothing to major. I have to give him his medicine 4x a day, and he's not liking the taste of it. I'll give him his meds and he spits it out. I had NO IDEA a 6 wk old (2 wk old if he was at term) baby knew how to spit something out. Its the funniest thing. I shoot the meds in his mouth and almost instantly I hear him "Pfffft Pffffffffft Pffft" and his chin is yellow and sticky from the medicine running down. I couldn't help myself so I tasted a tiny bit of it, and it doesn't taste like anything but maybe a little sugar but not much. Either way, Joey isn't taking a liking to it but we gotta do what we gotta do. Another thing we're noticing is that he's starting to get Cradle Cap. Or what I call Cradle Crap. Its not bad yet, its just a little gummy on his soft spot. So I'm washing his hair while using his baby hair brush and hopefully that'll help some.

The other Not so good thing about Joey: His Pediatric Neurologist called yesterday and told me that his lab work that was drawn came back and he has TWO copies of the MTHFR gene mutation. I'm not sure what that means, but now we're having to make him an appt with a Pediatric Hematologist to discuss what's next and how he will be treated.

5th week

2007-10-11T19:06:00.000-05:00

Today my little munchkin is 5 weeks.

Lots of good stuff is going on. But bad news first. I'm dreading going back to work. I mean really, really dreading it. Anytime anyone asks me if I'm ready to go back to work I have to change the subject because I end up so emotional and teary eyed talking about it. I'm so not ready to let my son go. My MIL is going to be watching him, so I know he'll be in good hands, but I'm not ready to hand him over to her. I want to be with him 24/7. My MIL has been coming over one or two times a week so I can run errands around town, or just to get outta the house for an hour or so and when I'm gone, I miss him. I know I'm being such a baby about this, but I'm starting to feel separation anxiety just knowing my return-to-work date is approaching. Not working would be great, but isn't possible right now. :( Ok, I can't talk about it anymore or I'm gonna cry again.

On to good stuff.

My little kangaroo is growing. He's filling out and stretching out. He's finally outgrown Preemie clothes and he's into Newborn now. LOL I know, I know Newborn is still really small, but its progress when Preemie used to fit baggy.

Joey's new trick: He LOVES his new bouncer. Seriously, how in the hell did we make it 5 wks without it?! I just put him in it bounce him a little and those turtle brown eyes start getting really sleepy. I don't have any pics of him in it yet. (Surprising since my camera has been attached to my hand every waking moment.)

And the REALLY good news is, my incision is closing! Today I had an appt and my Ob/gyn said we don't have to stuff it with gauze anymore. The skin is the only thing open now and we can stop dressing it so it can close. WOOOO HOOOO! Five weeks of dressing and redressing it twice a day and finally its healing.

One last thing before I go. The other day we were expecting company over our house so I dressed Joey in a polo shirt and khakis and couldn't help but snap a few pictures of him dressed. Well while we were snapping away we caught the most cutest picture by accident. I think he was smacking his lips or something but it looks like a silly smile. Here, I just gotta show you.

My Picture Perfect Birth Story

2007-10-10T21:11:00.000-05:00

Introducing : Joseph Michael Gonzales

Born: Sept. 6, 2007 at 8:23am

Weighing 5 lbs. 8 oz. and Measuring 18 inches

Thursday, September 6th at 4:00am, we got up after a restless night, got ready, loaded up the car and headed out to the hospital. Before we got there we stopped by the donut shop to pick up donuts for the L&D staff, just because we were in a good mood and wanted to start their morning off on the right foot too. It killed me to have to be fasting with freshly glazed warm donuts sitting in my lap. Well we got to the hospital, surprised them with the donuts and let me tell you, they all were so happy, and I think that earned us the Star treatment. I got suited up in my gown, got the monitors on, IV started, while Richard got into his paper scrubs.

(Richard & Anesthesiologist)

Talk about NERVOUS!!!! All our family showed up practically at the same time, we hugged, prayed, and nervously joked around while we waited. Finally the anesthesiologist came in and asked me if I wanted to walk or ride in a wheel chair to the OR. I jumped at the opportunity to walk! I had been on bedrest so long, (2o weeks and 3 days to be exact) so walking was a nice little treat before the c-section.

(My last pregnant picture)

So I pranced my way into the OR and got settled in the bed. I had a Spinal & Epidural cocktail and the numbness started right away. At that point, I got really, REALLY nervous. I've been through so many procedures by this point that when I enter a operating room, its second nature for me to turn on my "clinical mode." I normally concentrate on deep breathing, think about something pleasant, and pray. This time, I couldn't get into that mode and that's when it dawned on me. I was numb from the chest down and I couldn't stop what was about to happen. I couldn't run out of the room if I wanted to. I was about to be de-pregna-tized in a matter of moments and a baby, OUR baby was going to be born. The miracle of life was about to happen in just a matter of moments... All the prayers, all the pain and frustration, all our fears, the months of waiting on bedrest was about to be history because a life was about to enter this world. Physically my body began to shake, the nurse said it was a normal reaction to the Epi & Spinal, but I think it was really a combination of my nervousness and the meds. They draped me, then my husband came in. He sat by me, and I asked him if he could see anything. He couldn't. I think he was to scared to look, but when we heard "It's almost time" he stood up. I looked up at my husband and could see his face mask getting wet from his tears. Then I heard someone say, "His head is out!" My eyes opened in surprise, "Oh My GOD His HEAD Is OUT?!" and just then I heard the tiniest, sweetest kitty cat voice "wheee-eee." Then seconds later, "He's here, It's a Boy! Congratulations!" At that moment I felt that my heart could've exploded, the joy and emotions and the huge relief is something I don't think there are words for. My husband and I hugged and kissed while we laughed and cried at the same time, then I heard the nurse say, "Look over here Mommy!" and they lifted him up for me to see.

Sweet Jesus, he was the most precious little thing I've ever laid eyes on. He was pink, a little messy, with dark wet hair and his tiny arms were out stretched flailing about while he cried. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. His first breath truely took ours away. They quickly handed my son off to some nurses to get cleaned up, and accessed. He looked good. He was small, but he looked and sounded good. They wrapped him up and placed him in Richard's arms.

I can't begin to imagine what that was like for him. He looked at him, kissed his cheek, and sat next to me to give me a look.

Beautiful. Simply God's most precious gift.

There is only one other time in my life that I can say I truely FELT Jesus this close beside me, and it was May 27, 2005 when I gave birth to my angel son Erik. Its a feeling that rushes over me, that can't be started or stopped, it just happens. And I felt Jesus. I felt His presense with us. And I know that if I felt Him, that He would be holding my son Erik like Richard and I prayed He would that day.

The surgery continued and Richard left with the baby. That's when I relaxed, closed my eyes, Thanked God, and thought about what had just happened. I was closed up, and my cerclage was taken out. That cerclage held strong, and I'm sure that was a big factor in the success of this pregnancy. I don't remember everything after that point, I think I was drifting in and out of sleep but once it was all finally over I found myself surrounded with all my family. Not just my parents & in-laws, I mean ALL of my family! My Grandmas were there, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends... It was overwhelming but so nice of them. My room was filled with balloons, flowers, plants, and gifts.

My husband was in the NICU with the baby, they had taken there because he needed to be watched for seizure activity. My Pediatrician and I had made the staff aware that he had been diagnosed with Schizencephaly and they were taking all extra percautions just in case. My family could see Joey one at a time with Richard, but they had to be scrubbed in before they entered the NICU. So Richard was gone for hours. I didn't see him until around 9:00pm that evening when he had shown everybody the baby and he had finally come to my room to have dinner. I was a little upset I hadn't seen him, but understood that he was busy bonding with the baby. I wanted to see my son so badly but couldn't. Until finally at 11:30pm the nurse asked if I was ready to see my son. Of course I was, so I got into a wheelchair and at 11:45pm that night I got to hold my baby for the first time.

We stayed until his 2:00am feeding so I could feed him and he did so good. He ate the entire 30mL (1 oz.) bottle. He was really tired after it, so I held him until he fell asleep.

Friday & Saturday we had more family there to visit. And Sunday evening we were discharged.

Here are some more random pictures from in the hospital.

Pediatric Neurologist appt

2007-10-05T14:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we drove 2 hours to Joey's appointment, and he slept the whole way there.

His Ped. Neurologist looked at the MRI images that we got when I was 30wks pregnant and compared them to the MRI images that were taken when Joe was in the NICU and said that there's a "phenomenal improvement." The dip in his brain is still there, but its significantly less than what it was. The six weeks in between the 1st MRI and the 2nd has made a big difference. He said that if we didn't have these images that we wouldn't be in his office because Joey's growing well and isn't showing any signs of being effected by this brain anomaly. So he told us he wants to see Joey again at 6 months to do a 3rd MRI to see if there are any more changes. And the best part, the part that makes me want to drop to my knees, is that he said he does not see Schizencephaly. Although Schiz. is not completely out of the picture yet; this improvement is such a big improvement that it just may be out of the picture soon. But for the mean time, he told us to continue to love and enjoy Joey but to continue to keep an eye out for seizure activity, just in case.

So over all the appt went well. But before we left Joey had to have blood drawn to see if he inherited the MTHFR blood clotting disorder that I have. It was so sad. The phlebotimist put a turnaquet (sp?) on his tiny arm and drew blood, and my poor baby screamed his little heart out. It was so hard to watch... I almost lost it. My husband couldn't bear to watch, he had to turn away, he couldn't stand to see him hurt like that. So now I know, Richard's definately going to have to go with me to Joey's 2 month appointment when he gets his immunizations, there's no way I want to go through that one alone.

Joseph weighed 7 lbs 5.9 oz and is 19.49 inches

Joey's 1st ride in his stroller

Exhausted, and on our way home

(with his little blue bandage)

Oct. 3rd

2007-10-03T21:39:00.000-05:00

Jenna- Thanks for the encouragement (we talked on the phn) and thanks for the links.
Kirsten- Thanks for the comment, I don't see myself as a super mom yet. Just a mom that wants the best for her son. But if that makes me a Super Mommy, than I'll take it! :)
Dee- Thanks for your input too, God I had no idea BFing would be this hard. But if its just not meant to be, then it its just not meant to be. Thanks for the support.
Jenn- Thank you too. Sharing your experiences w/BFing makes me feel A LOT more normal and not so much like a failure.
Lauren- Thank you too for sharing your experiences w/BFing. It IS an intimate decision, I think I need to pray about this to help find my answer.
Sarah-Thank you for your kind words & support. I really needed to hear it from someone that I'm not making a selfish decision not to BF. (p.s. I emailed you the incision pictures)

I love you guys, I really do. If yall haven't noticed it about me, I'm the type of gal that wears my heart on my sleeve and I really do take to heart the comments that are left on my blog. So thank you all so much for your help and support. For the meantime, I'm gonna try to continue to BF, and before I give in and give up I've promised myself I'd contact a lactation consultant for one last good shot at it.

Looking at my ticker (which I need to delete & update) I see that today is my Due Date. Joseph is now full term... Wow. I still can't believe he's here and I'm not sure when that will finally set in. Everyday I look at him and think of how lucky and blessed we are.

Tomorrow morning (10-4-07) at 8:30am Joey has an appointment with his Pediatric Neurologist at TX Children's Hospital. Earlier this week I went to ClearLake hospital (where I delivered) and got his MRI images put on a CD, from the MRI that was done after he was born. I'm taking the CD tomorrow so we can compare them with the MRI images from when he was diagnosed w/Schizencephaly (that brain anomaly) at 30wks gestation. I'm thinking they're going to want to do a 3rd MRI... But we'll see how that goes tomorrow wish us luck.

(Mental note: Don't forget tomorrow is my sister's 3 year wedding anniversary) My sister is 24, married 3 years with two boys-a 2 year old and a 5 month old... Gah, what it would be like to be young again but with no fertility issues. Lucky biotch!

Ok. Its getting late I better go.

Unloading about Post-op & BF'ing

2007-10-02T07:58:00.000-05:00

First of all, thanks for the encouraging words on bre.astfeeding. I was a little down about slacking off. However, for several reasons I don't feel its going well, and I think I'm closer to quitting than I am to sticking with it. Let me explain.

1. I didn't research bf'ing while I was pregnant mainly because of my previous losses, I had my doubts that this pregnancy would work out. So I have Joey (thank God) then he goes to the NICU for 3 days. All the while I'm suppose to encourage my milk production by pumping and when I go home, I have not the slightest clue (ok maybe a tiny clue) but not very much knowledge about bf'ing. But by the time I have a chance to reattach my head to my exhaused body, my milk supply has already been inhibited.

2. Since I STILL have not posted a birth story (which I am sorry for) I'll go ahead and tell you what's going on with me. After the c-section my Ob tells me that I DO have PCOS. Prior to surgery I had some symptoms but now that she's seen my ovaries I now have it for sure. From what she's said (and I have researched it any but) women w/PCOS often have issues with BF'ing... something to do with the hormone imbalancement??? If anyone has any insight on this, plz feel free to share since I don't see myself with any time to research stuff anymore.

3. (Possible TMI) This by far has to be the worst part and your probably not gonna believe me... But I have pictures (if anyone morbidly curious wants to see.) The day I was discharged from the hospital my staples were removed and "skin tape" was put in its place. The tape was suppose to be there for a week then fall off. Ok. So we come home with baby in tow. I walk inside my house and go directly over to my bed (which is located IN my living room since I was on bedrest for so long we moved it there.) and my husband placed Joey in my arms. That's ALL I did. Well, after our house guests/welcoming home party finally left, Richard and I were about to have dinner when I felt my pants wet from the front lower belly area. I slowly walked over to the bathroom to access myself when I saw that I was bleeding pretty bad. We had only been home an hour and I had bled through a gauze dressing, a thick hospital pad, and all the way through my pants. I showed Richard and he got a good look my incision and told me it was open about 3 inches across. I call my Ob and she directs me to "Get to the ER!" We get there and of course we have to drive up right behind 3 ambulances and the waiting room was so freaking packed. I get through triage, and as an "urgent care active bleeder" there's nothing that they can do but have me wait in the waiting room until a room opens. FIVE HOURS LATER (we were there from 9PM-2:00AM) I got my wound washed out and re-stuffed with gauze. The next day my Ob got me in to her office, and ripped open my incision completely with her fingers(it hurt like crazy!!!) So now I and my very GREEN husband are looking at an incision about 10 inches across my belly, and about 4 inches deep that he now has to wash out with saline and pack tightly with 3 strips of 4x4 gauzes. So not only do I have to wear a pad for post-partum reasons, but I now have to wear a pad across my belly over my incision. Tomorrow it'll be 4 wks that my husband and I have been caring for an open incision wound that we have to clean and redress 2-3 times a day all the while caring for a newborn.

So because of all this mess BFing hasn't been going well. I don't have time to eat much less try to pump or fight with my son that's already so nipple confused. I have cried so many nights, I can't beat myself up over this anymore. I'm trying, I really am. My Ob has even me a Rx for Reglan to help bring on milk production, and I can't tell if its working. I'm not getting much more than 1 ounce total when I pump so Joey's eating 3-4 ounces every 3-4 hours so I'm doing a lot of suplimenting. I'm so stressed out about this... I guess that's why I feel I'm closer to quitting than I am to continuing. Am I wrong? WWYD?

2 Week Check-up & pics

2007-09-26T15:09:00.000-05:00

I guess I'm down to posting once a week... I'm just so darn busy. Half of the time I can't tell if I'm awake or asleep... Sleep has been pretty much non-existant this week. But as an Infertile Graduate, I'd never complain.

My little Jo-Jo had two appointments this past week. He went in for his 2 week check up and he cried like I've never heard him cry before when the nurse poked his heal. When the nurse was pinching his heal trying to get blood to put on a card, and he was so mad he was kicking her with his other foot. Poor little guy... She measured him and he grew! In two weeks he grew 1 and a 1/4 inch. But the upsetting part is that he lost weight. Pediatrician said its normal for infants to lose, but I have to say I felt like crap. Joey was born weighing 5 lbs. 8 oz. and he was down to weighing 5 lbs. 4 1/2 oz. So his Ped. scheduled a follow-up appt for another weigh-in four days later. He also suggested we slack off on brea.stfeeding, and supplement with Sim!lac Isomil (soy product) because he noticed that Joey had spit up quite a bit in his office. So we did. We went back yesterday for his follow-up and he gained. We were aiming at getting him at least back to his birth weight, and he did it. He actually surpassed it! He's now weighing 6 lbs. 5 oz. and I'm so proud of him.

Here's a picture of him all bundled up on his way to his 1st Dr. appointment.

Joey's newest trick: Ok, last week I wasn't sure if him holding his pacifier was intentional or not... We'll this week I'm sure he knows what he's doing. I'm noticing him putting his finger in the hole in the center of his Soothie pacifier. I'm also seeing that when he's pi$$ed off at me for taking to long to get him his bottle, he swats his hand over his mouth shooting that pacifier across the room and HAS to land on the floor. Gah!

Ok... That's all the time I have for now. Little man has me on a tight schedule and its about time for him to eat again.

Here's some pics of this week, I put Joey in the camo outfit Richard got him when he went to Daddy Boot Camp.

"Sgt. Joseph Michael Gonzales reporting for duty."

"Ahhhh-tention!"

"Ok Mom, that's enough pictures!"

WAAAAA!

These last two pictures are a bit personal but I'm going to share them with you all anyways. I'm nursing Joey and the bonding we are doing is unspoken, but is felt so deeply between us.

Week 1

2007-09-20T20:36:00.000-05:00

We survived week one, whew! I'm here, with 30 gallon trash bags under my eyes, but we're all here, relatively healthy, and we're making it. And through the fatigue, I can honestly say I love, LOVE my new role as mommy.

Today my little man turned 2 weeks old. I just can't believe how fast time has flown by. It seems like we just brought him home yesterday.

Joey's doing great. He's a good eater, sleeper and a Super Pooper! I would of never thought that such a little baby could produce so much poop-and stinkyyyyy!

Joey's new trick: He can hold his pacifier in his mouth (its the cutest thing) but I'm not sure if its intentional or not. But when he gets goin on his pacifier, and he feels it start to come out, he pushes it back in and holds it there.

Oh, and at a week and one day old his umbilical cord stumpy fell off. It reminded me of the Pinocchio movie when he sings, "I've got no strings on me!"

(Side note) I'm working on a birth story... Stay tuned!

My cousin gave us a diaper cake and in it was a ton of great stuff along with these really cute boxing gloves. I thought they were just a decoration, but they're actually baby gloves. I put them on Joey for a little while, but since they're so puffy, they're a bit to heavy for him. So here are a few pics.

In the white corner, wearing (preemie) Spiderman trunks and Blue boxing gloves,
JOEYYYYYY GON-ZA-LES!

"Put up your dukes!"

"My punches are too fast for pictures!"

We're Home! (Baby Pics)

2007-09-11T18:18:00.000-05:00

We're finally home, Thank God! We ALL were discharged from the hospital on Sunday evening.

My little Joey is such a good little boy and when I'm doing better have I got a story for you. But as to be expected I can't be long, I'm posting in between the 3 hr window before his next feeding. I'm really suppose to be sleeping. My brain is not functioning due to lack of sleep, sorry my sentences are choppy. So I'll just leave yall with some pics.

Introducing: The Man of the Hour!
Joseph Michael Gonzales
Born: Sept. 6, 2007 at 8:23am
Weighing: 5 lbs 8 ounces and 18 inches long.

He was born screaming and he peed the moment he was lifted from my womb. :)

Enjoy!

Joey's 1st Picture

Wiping his feet after taking his foot prints.

Mommy meets Baby... Priceless

Father & Son

First family picture

In the NICU, about to be bathed.

He looks so much like me here.

Last day in the NICU in an Open Crib.

Happy Birth Day!

2007-09-06T03:55:00.000-05:00

Good Morning!
It's 4:00am and my eyes burn but my mind has been going 200 mph non-stop since last night. I didn't think we were ever gonna get to sleep. But when I woke up to make one of the last middle-of-the-night-pit-stops I was glad, because that meant I actually did get a wink of sleep.

I can't believe its here. In just a few hours we are going to welcome a new baby into this world. I've been (Im)patiently Waiting My Turn for so long, and well folks it seems like its finally my turn. I am estatic, there really aren't any words to describe. But I will say that, the way I feel right now awaiting the moment of arrival for our baby, I wish this on every fellow sister infertile. I wish this on my best friends on-line & off. But most of all and with ALL my heart, I wish this on each and every one of you readers that read faithfully (even those that don't) but that wish this on themselves too.

Since I'm not taking my laptop to the hospital, because I'm sure my hubby is gonna be to busy to keep an eye on it. I thought I'd let you all know again that we both are so thankful for your support, kind words and encouragement. Its been a journey, to say the least, but my sanity IS because I have a place to vent, and friends to listen and pick me up. Thanks for everything along the way, and thanks for helping us welcome our son into this world.

Love always,
Mr. & Mrs. Richard & Jennie
the soon to be proud parents of
Joseph Michael Gonzales

Today our 3 special little angels in Heaven will sing a joyful song.

This is it.

2007-09-04T10:11:00.000-05:00

Our little get together went really well, my parents, in-laws, BIL & family and sister & family came over. Our priest arrived around 9:00am and we began the morning in prayer. It was really nice. He placed his hand on my head and blessed me, then placed a hand on my belly to give our son a blessing and right when he did he caught a nice little kick. We all had our heads bowed, and when I felt the kick it broke my concentration and made me smile. But that's ok, because when I peeked over at the priest he was still mid-smile too. After the blessings I received the Eucharist, and it felt so cleansing. It had been so long since I've received it, I almost forgot how much I missed it. It really gave me the push I was needing to get through these last few days. Before the priest left he blessed everyone here in prayer, and he walked from room to room to blessing our house. He couldn't stay very long because he had Mass to deliver at the church, so we packed him a plate to go. My goodness did we have a lot of food here. My MIL made homemade tortillas, a fresh pot of beans, and eggs & chorizo (Mexican sausage). My dad made barbacoa & langua (beef & cow tongue), guacamole and fresh salsa. My sister made pancakes & banana pancakes. My BIL brought over empanadas, pan dulce (Mexican sweet bread & pastries) a chocolate cake and a double crusted apple pie... I could go on & on, it was all SO good. We all ate, visited and it turned out to be a nice little family get-together.

Yesterday I had my last OB appt. It was a long one, but it went well. We basically went over all the plans for the c-section & after care. We also did a Group B Strep screening. I tested positive with my previous pregnancy so I'm sure this time will probably be positive again, but either way I'm sure to be given antibiotics just in case.

And today I had an appt at the hospital to get registered, sign all consents, blood draw, ect. I did get to speak with the anesthesiologist, and got the run down about what's gonna happen tomorrow. So now we're all set. I have to be at the hospital tomorrow morning at 5:30am and we're having our baby boy at 7:30am. I just can't believe its finally here... I can't seem to wrap my brain around it, it so funny. I'm ready, really excited a bit little nervous (not to much though) but it just doesn't seem real. I'm having a baby. I, I am having a baby. I AM having a baby... I really am gonna have a baby.... I could say it a million times and still it doesn't seem real. And tomorrow is the big day! I try to think of what this is gonna be like and I just can't imagine what its gonna to feel like to hold him, and to hear his little cry.

Ok, I'm gonna stop before I start crying. (whew)

Ok gals. I better go now. By tomorrow afternoon I'm gonna try to get a pic posted, if there's not one here yet then check the comments and I'll have Jenna post the stats for you all.

Wish me luck.

See ya on the flip side!

Our 6th year Wedding Anniversary

2007-08-31T13:15:00.000-05:00

September 1, 2001

Two young crazy kids in-love took the plunge.

We got married a few days after Tropical Storm Allison dumped 37 inches of rain & flooded the roads forcing my sister, parents and I to evacuate to higher grounds, which happened to be into my new one bedroom apartment that was unfurnished (except for one bed & a couch.) Its was a disaster. The morning of my wedding day it rained and I cried. My mom trying to comfort me told me its Good Luck (whatever) but I just knew no one would be able to make it with the floods and barricaded roads. But by the time I got to the church there was this beautiful rainbow in the sky, something I'll never forget. It was there to remind me that our Lord made Noah and his descendants an everlasting promise, that after each storm there would be a rainbow. (Gen. 9:1-17)

The wedding ceremony & reception went off with out a hitch. Despite the floods & closed roads our church and reception venue was filled with family and friends and I couldn't have been more happy. It truly was the most perfect day that every little girl dreams of.

Skipping ahead 3 (wonderful) years, we began TTC. Figuratively, that was our bad flood. The flood of emotions, infertility and continuous heartbreaks after each pregnancy loss. I never thought we'd ever see a rainbow or an end to these tragic painful years of trying to have a baby and failing.

Here we are 6 years later, celebrating not only our anniversary but now we are about to see the rainbow we have been waiting so long for.

Our son.

Thank God.

NEW Birth Date

2007-08-28T15:49:00.000-05:00

After a brief conversation with my Ob this morning, she informed me that the c-section date has been changed. The c-section will be done on Sept. 6th at 7:30am.

So here's my schedule for next week:

Sept. 1 -- Our 6 year Wedding Anniversary
Sept. 3 -- Priest, Father Jack is coming over to bless us & baby (9:30am)
Sept. 4 -- I have a pre-op/last OB appointment (2:20pm)
Sept. 5 -- Pre-op/admissions at the hospital (10:00am)
Sept. 6 -- C-Section (7:30am) Baby's Birth Day!

I am so excited & anxious to meet our son. I pray that the surgery goes well and he is ok. I don't know what issues we're are going to have to face once he's born, but I DO know that what ever they are, with plenty of prayers and each other we're going to be strong enough to make it. So to all my cyber-sisters out there, my husband and I thank you for all your support and well wishes. We just ask that you continue to lift up our son in prayer.

The miracle that this little boy already is to us probably wouldn't be, had it not been for the power of prayer.

Last ultrasound pic

2007-08-27T20:44:00.000-05:00

Here's the last ultrasound picture at 33 wks 5 days

weighing 4 lbs 13 oz

11 days to go until Baby Day!

The 2ww

2007-08-25T11:45:00.000-05:00

So just when I thought the 2 week waits are over, their not. Although the kinda 2ww we're in, is very different then the normal kind we're used to. We're in a 2ww for our c-section! We finally set a date, we're having our baby Sept. 7th. YAY!

These past couple of days, I've been so busy, busy, busy from the bed-quarters. I've called the hospital to get my admission papers sent to me, so I don't gotta worry about that when we go in on the big day. I've found the most awesome I mean awwwwesome pediatrician for my son, which is going to work hand-in-hand with my pediatric neurologist. And today (as I'm writing this) my husband is at BBiesRus buying the travel system (carseat & stroller combo) that I ended up finding online. We have our bags packed, baby's clothes blankets and bedding washed, all that we're missing now is... the baby!

I have one more Ob appointment, Sept 4th will be my pre-op appointment and hopefully by then I'll have put together a birth plan. I know, I know, bad me. I haven't done that yet... So if anyone has any suggestions for a c-section birth plan PLEASE send them my way.

Ultrasound

2007-08-20T16:35:00.000-05:00

Today we're 33 wks 5 days. I tell ya, time is really starting to fly by...

I had an appt this morning with my Maternal Fetal Med. Dr. and it went well. During the ultrasound this little boy was soooo active. His heartbeat was 161 bpm, and he is now weighing a nice 4 lbs 13 oz. Just little 3 ounces shy of FIVE pounds! I really didn't expect him to be so big, I was thinking/hoping he'd be a little over 4 but had no idea he'd be pushing 5. That was definitely a pleasant surprise. My MFMD said that if my Ob schedules our c-section at 36wks, than this was my last ultrasound. If she schedules it to be done at 37wks then we'll have one more ultrasound.

So tomorrow I have an appointment with my Ob, and we're gonna set our date. I'm so, sooo excited. Its taken me quite some time, but now that we're rearing the end of this pregnancy I'm finally excited, and anxious to have our baby. I mean, we've wanted a baby for so long, but with our last 3 years of trying, dealing with IF and experiencing 3 losses it took us a long time to accept that a live baby could actually be born at the end of this pregnancy. We were taking this pregnancy day by day, and just accepting that with our past we were scared into being cautious about opening our heart. I finally feel that my heart is completely opened to him and we have fallen in love with him and I have to say it feels so good. For us to finally be able to love opened heartedly with no caution behind it... It really does feel so good.

I just pray to God that the love and faith that we have in Him will continue to carry us through to the end of this journey, so we can start the next.

33wks.

2007-08-15T16:14:00.000-05:00

Thirty three weeks, can you believe it?! Just 3 weeks to go!
(Give and take a few days, since we haven't set a date yet.)

This week has been a good week. I've been getting up a little more, rotating from the bed to the couch, then to the recliner. Its been nice. My back and hips are feeling a lot less achey which makes me one happy, waddling-around, big bellied gal.

I've had quite of bit of company these days. My grandma came over to visit because she told my mom she wanted to see me pregnant. My mom told her that I don't got much longer that I will be pregnant, so my mom brought her over and they spent the day with me. My little ol' grandma is so sweet, my mom brought us lunch and when we were done she picked up my plate and started washing dishes, wiping down counters and cleaning my (already clean) kitchen. I begged her to stop, but she insisted. She said she didn't want Richard to have to do anything when he got home from work, except but tend to me.

Then one of my aunts got word that my grandma came to visit me because I'm in my last weeks of this pregnancy, then SHE wanted to come see me too. So yesterday I had her over for lunch. It was nice. I got to give my MIL a break from me & my house and I got to visit with someone else.

Baby update: He's growing, getting heavier and making it quite challenging to get to sleep at night. He seems to be confused as to when its night & day. Right around midnight, whether I'm asleep or awake, he gets a burst of energy. If I'm asleep he wakes me up with his karate kicks, and tumbling. I sometimes snuggle up close and put my belly close to Richard's back while he's asleep to see if his movements are strong enough to wake him up, and they are! Like this morning. The alarm went off at 5:00am, Richard hit snooze, but from 5 till 6 I couldn't go back to sleep because this little guy got the hiccups. And there is no way I could get back to sleep with my belly jumping every few seconds. I just lay there quietly rubbing and rubbing my belly hoping to somehow soothe him so they'd stop. Eventually they did because I dozed off and when I woke up the hiccups were gone.

Nursery news: Richard has been working on the baby's room. We've put it off for long enough, and now that we're just 3 weeks away he's now starting to get it together. (We put off doing the nursery because we were scared and didn't know if this pregnancy was going to work out or not. Guess that's just how a pregnancy after losses goes.) But now that we are getting down to the wire, we're having to work double time to try & finish. We had painted the room before we were pregnant, but we didn't finish the trim. So while he was working on it I snapped a quick picture of Richard after he had pulled up the carpet and was working on the baseboards. But lemme tell you, I got in SO MUCH trouble for getting up, walking over there, and not wearing a breathing mask in that room, just to take this one quick picture. Don't tell Richard I said this but, it was worth it! He finished painting the room and the carpet is gonna be installed this weekend. So right now its not much of a nursery, and probably won't be till after I'm able to go pick out the "perfect" crib & accessories.

32wks

2007-08-08T09:20:00.000-05:00

Another week down, and 4 more to go.

Yesterday I had an Ob appt and it went well. Baby's heartbeat was 146 bpm, and my fundal height is maybe two inches below my bust. The nurse was like, "Girlfriend, how are you breathing?!" I answer, "I bearly am." I guess since I'm short (5'2") and I gotta short torso my breathing feels compromised with the pressure and weight of this little guy pressing on my lungs. And laying down isn't helping my breathing or digestion, but I gotta do what I gotta do. Funny but at this rate, if he continues growing like this he's gonna be up under my boo.bies soon! And I'd be the first woman ever to sport a Boobelly! LOL
I digress, back to the appt. My Ob said that since we're getting really close to the end it would be ok for me to ease up in the strict bed rest. I still can't go shopping, but it would be ok if I was to walk around a little in the house, and sit up a little more. She said that should help with my back & hip aches, help my breathing and lessen indigestion. My husband wasn't with me, and since he's the strictest one on me, I was tempted to ask for that in writing! But he understood, and last night I got the privilege of sitting in the recliner for an hour. Ohhh the simple joys I get from sitting down. I'm sure those that have "served time" on bed rest, understand. It was great. So at my next Ob appt (Aug 21st) we're gonna set a date for the c-section. OMG I so can't wait! I've been looking at the month of September, weighing my options as to when would be the perfect birth date. So here's what I got so far:

Sept. 1 - Is our 6 yr Wedding Anniversary
Sept. 3 & 4 - Would be ok
Sept. 5 - Is exactly 36 wks.
Sept. 6 & 7 - Would be good
Sept. 8 - SIL's b-day
Sept 9 & 10 - Would also be good

But of course ANY of those days would be a good day to have a baby. But if I had a choice as to the ideal date I'd say the 7th or 9th simply because its a week after our anniversary, so birthday parties can be planned, as well as Anniversary weekend getaways (much further down the line, of course.) The 10th is ok too, I just don't want anything to close to the 11th because of the tra.degy of 9/11. Not for superstitious reasons, just don't want every birthday to be gloomy or saddened by anniversary of the world's loss of that day.

31st week - Baby's Name

2007-08-01T09:17:00.000-05:00

As used to it as I should be by now, every week that passes is still so amazing to me. Today we're 31 weeks along and I am so thankful to God that He has blessed us with another week. This week also marked my 15th week on bedrest, which I must admit is now a little easier with the thought in mind that we just have 5 more weeks to go.

Baby update: He's now weighing 3 lbs 9 ounces, and is still head down face down. His movements in utero have changed so much these last two weeks. For the most part he is pretty calm, and his movements were gentle. But these last two weeks he's kicked it up a notch and is showing me that he is getting to be pretty strong. Yesterday my SIL & niece came over to visit and he happened to have the hiccups and they lasted probably a good 15 minutes. My niece sat next to me in bed and had her hand on my belly to feel him hiccup for a while. She thought I could help him get rid of the hiccups by drinking water or by holding my breath but I had to tell her that wouldn't help, they'd go away on their own in time.
As far as our son's name, we have named him but have chosen to keep it somewhat of a surprise. So to all yall in blogland, hang in there just 5 more weeks until its revealed. However, I will say that we have chosen to honor our angel son Erik Michael and have chosen to give this baby the same middle name, Michael. And with St. Michael being the Patron Saint of protection, we saw it to fit him well since we know he is being watched over by angels.
But that's the only clue yall get for his name. :)

Long update-MRI results

2007-07-30T14:31:00.000-05:00

Its been a while since I've posted (I'm sorry) but its for several reasons. First, because my router for my laptop crapped-out on us and we just got it fixed last night. And secondly, its been an emotional week for me and my husband and we needed some time to sort through some things. Let me explain.

I went to TX Children's Hospital for the results and didn't exactly get good news. The MRI & ultrasound concluded that my baby has Schizencephaly (pronounced Skiz-en-sef-all-ee). The pediatric neurologist showed me all the digital images of my son and he pointed out a spot where our son has a small "dip" on the outter side of the left ventrical in his brain. This brain anomaly can not be repaired with surgery, its a malformation in the tissues of the brain. The dr. said that our baby can and will live, but there is a great possibility that he may suffer from paralysis on one or both sides of his body, have a decreased muscle tone, and/or have a seizure disorder. Oddly enough, of these three things the seizure disorder is the only one that doesn't scare me. Because I, myself, suffered from Epilepsy for 10 years. This December will be 13 years that I have been seizure-free and med-free. So if my son is going to have similar issues with seizures I know I can help him and we will be able to get through it together. The pediatric neurologist that gave me these results is partners with MY old pediatric neurologist that still practices in the same hospital. So he said that seeing that I was successfully treated, and my seizures were controlled with meds, there is a good chance that our son's will be too. I asked if my past with Epilepsy had an influence on this pregnancy, and he said "As easy as it may seem to connect the two, no. And there's no real way to know if he'll have seizures (or any of the other neurological issues) until he's born, and he begins to reach mile stones." So basically, we'll just have to wait and see. (Which seems to be the theme to this pregnancy...)
During the appt the dr. told me that he is currently caring for a patient (15 month old little girl) that was diagnosed in-utero with the same kind of schizencephaly (unilateral cleft) on the same side of the brain as my son. And she is walking, talking, shows no sign of having seizures, and she is fully funtioning as a "normal" 15 month old little girl should. She does have a slight turn-in on her right foot when she walks, but its nothing that needs surgery or corrective braces for. It just may be that since she just learned to walk, she may be a little lazy on keeping her feet perfectly straight and she'll more than likely straighten it up on her own. But even if she doesn't, its not very noticeable and it doesn't inhibit her from doing anything. Hearing this positive outcome about the little girl does give me some hope that my son just may beat the odds too. I just pray that this is the last scare for this pregnancy. I can't tell you all how much I just want my son to be here and be ok. We pray every night out loud so God and my son can hear us and know that all we really want is the best for him. We are just going to have to do our best to give him the best life we can, like any other parent would.

I don't doubt that God knows what He's doing, I just wish He didn't have to test us so often.

Since the results appt. I've had an Ob/gyn appt that went ok. I did have protein in my urine and I also had an elevated blood pressure. (Beginning signs of pre-eclampsia) And today I had an appt with my Maternal Fetal Med. Dr. for an ultrasound and my urine tested clear but my blood pressure went a little higher. Which she's associating with my nervousness about the schizencephaly diagnoses. The ultrasound went well. My SIL & 12 yr old niece went in with me. The sonographer was really sweet, she took her time measuring everything, and explaining what it was that we were looking at so my niece really enjoyed the experience. She said she didn't expect to see much and she ended up getting a nice little lesson in anatomy. But anyways... The ultrasound went ok, he is still head down face down so I didn't get but only one picture, and it happens to be of his boy-parts which he's not shy about showing. And we got some video added to our new VHS tape. Ya know, I now have a full 6 hour video of all the past ultrasounds (including 2 attemps of a 3d u/s.) And this visit we started a new 6 hr tape...

Speaking of 3d ultrasounds. I went back for our 2nd attempt for the 3d u/s and he was head down, face down. She did video some of it, but we were unsuccessful in getting him to flip over to face us. We tried everything from sitting with my knees up squishing my lower tummy, to pressing on his legs & feet to make him mad and it didn't work. We didn't get a single picture that time, so the nice girl gave us the VHS video and didn't charge us. She said she couldn't charge us because we tried twice, and in the price we were suppose to get clear pictures, and a 20-30 minute VHS and DVD. And all we got were the 3 good pics (previously posted) and VHS tape. So today I took her a gift card as a little thank you, because she sacrificed a few early hours on a Saturday morning and she stayed late one Friday. Whether she was on the clock or not, I don't know, but either way we were still thankful that she didn't charge us the full price for the 2 attempts.

My next Ob appt is Aug 6th, and my next MFMD appt for an u/s is Aug 20th. And I should have 2 more ultrasounds before our scheduled c-section.

MRI & ultrasound 4/19

2007-07-20T12:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had my appointment at Tx Children’s Hospital for an ultrasound & fetal MRI. The ultrasound was first. Before we started the u/s tech asked what all is going on with this pregnancy that we already know of. I told her I have a cerclage (stitches placed in wk 10) in my cervix, I’ve had 2 episodes of unexplained bleeding (in wk 15 & 16), strict bed rest for 13 weeks (w/7 more to go), I have 3 fibroids in my uterus, we know that there is velamentous insertion of the cord, and we just found out there is a mild case of ventriculomegaly. She stopped, glared over at me with this smirk and said sarcastically, “So you’ve had an EASY pregnancy, haven’t you?!” I was like yeah, REAL easy. My SIL went in with me, and got to see her nephew-to-be. Of course he had to be in a position where we couldn’t get the measurements that we needed, so she just moved on to measure other parts of him. He was head down, way down in my pelvis, facing towards my back. After about an hour into the ultrasound she was done looking at everything else. So in order to finish the scan she had to measure his head, but the only way to get that measurement was to stand up, and press the u/s probe deep into my pelvis. It hurt so bad. I told her it hurt and she apologized and continued to dig the probe deeper, as if she needed to get under my pubic bone. I could feel the tears wallowing up in the corners of my eyes, it hurt so bad. I took the pain as long as I could and she finally stopped not a minute to soon. She stepped out and got the Dr. to review the pics she took. He then proceeded to rescan and thank God, he was so SO very gentle. And my baby must have appreciated his kindness because he moved a little to face us and we were able to finish the scan.

Once that was done it was time for the MRI. It took about 45 minutes, and it was very uncomfortable. The tones & beeps were so loud it vibrated my insides and it stirred him up inside. The nurse doing the scan kept chiming in telling me to try to stay extra still, and I was, but my baby was moving around so much my belly was moving. It was so hard to stay still for that long, but we made it. I got dressed and the Dr. came in and said if he didn’t call me tomorrow he’d see me Tuesday to review the results. (My appt to get the results had to be rescheduled to Tues. 7:30am) He also told me that he didn’t have exact measurements yet from the u/s or the MRI, but that just looking at the images with the naked eye, but trained eye, he didn’t see an amount of fluid that looked extreme. He said, “IF there is ventriculomegaly, it is defiantly a mild case.” So that made me feel somewhat better, we’ll just have to wait and see what’s to come on Tuesday. Hopefully only good news.

p.s. Today at 4:30 we're going back to my MFMD's office for another try at a 3D u/s.

3D ultrasound

2007-07-16T13:37:00.000-05:00

Saturday morning we did our normal morning dr. appointment ritual. We stopped by the donut shop for donuts & chocolate milk, since that's what seems to get our little one bouncing around (which makes for a fun ultrasound.) Then once we were at my Dr.'s office and started the ultrasound she noticed 2 things, 1. He was facing my spine, so all we could see was the back of his head & spine. And 2. He was asleep! That little stinker. All that sugar, and he was still asleep. So she pushed on my belly to give him a little tap on his feet to try to stir him, and he kicked back but was not showing any signs of being ready to wake up. He had his hands behind his head and looked so relaxed. Finally after about an hour he turned a little to where we could see his face, and she was able to get a few pics, but not very clear ones. So, she didn't charge us and she is going to call me sometime this week to reschedule another 3D ultrasound for Friday or Saturday so fingers crossed that he'll be awake and will cooperate. So here they are. They're not as clear as what they could be. Hopefully next week I'll have some better ones.

Here he's a little covered, but you can still see some of his face.
Looks like he's doing the "Elvis lip!"

Little sleepy head.

Oh those cute little cheekies

He gave us a little smile, I love this one!

3rd trimester: Nesting vs. Anxiety

2007-07-13T10:23:00.000-05:00

I don't know which one it is... And its very possible it may be both. But I'm getting really anxious. Yes anxious-excited, but more of me is starting to feel anxious-nervous anxiety.

Monday will be my 13th week on bedrest, and the plan is to be here another 8 more weeks. So I haven't gotten a chance to see any baby items in the stores. Before I was pregnant I was anti-baby aisle in the stores, and when it came time to buying for my sister's or friends' baby showers I went straight for gift cards, or I'd shop the end caps. Anything to keep me away from the dreaded baby aisles. But now that it's me that is possibly having a baby (in less than 2 months) I'm freakin out. I don't have anything, and worse I can't GET anything myself. I want so badly to go to BBiesRUs for a shopping spree, but I know that's outta the question. I lay here in bed thinking all day about the the things we need before our little guy makes his big appearance and its overwhelming. Beside 2 packages of diapers and the little clothing my sis gave me (pics shown in a previous blog entry) that's all I have. That's It! I was so anxious Wednesday night I found myself still awake at 1:30am just thinking of the necessities we gotta get. So the next morning I told Richard to please go out and get us a... I think its called a "pack-n-play." It serves as a co-sleeper next to my bed, then it has a changing table attachment, and once the baby is a little bigger it can be a playpen. I just need somewhere safe to lay this baby down once he's home. And Oh, we also need a carseat, and hooded towels & wash cloths, baby shampoo! Oh gosh, I can go on & on... I'm tellin ya, I'm really getting nervous here. My mom is throwing our baby shower after our baby is here, and I was fine with that because I don't want to be laying down at my shower. But now that time is dwendling down, its putting pressure on me and I'm putting that pressure on my husband to get everything ready. He's working on the weekends on the baby's room, but I can't help him and I want to so bad... UGH, I didn't know it was gonna be so crazy. The baby isn't even here yet and I'm already losing sleeptime over this. My sister says I'm nesting. But is it still considered nesting when I'm physically laying here not allowed to get up and clean, shop and/or prepare my house for this baby? What do you think?

3 hr GTT

2007-07-12T14:47:00.001-05:00

This morning I went in for a 3 hour Glucose Tolerance Test. Talk about feeling like a pin cushion, I got stuck 7 times! SEVEN! Now, don't get me wrong I'm no weenie. I have a pretty high threshold for pain, coming from my experience with fertility testing, surgeries, and giving myself fertility injections and progesterone shots. I'm not scared to be stuck. But These. Were. PAINFUL. The phlebotomist warned me by stick #5 that the last ones were gonna make me jump outta my chair, but thankfully I didn't. It hurt like crazy, and now I look like a junkie with bruises on both arms but its all over and I couldn't be more glad.

When I got home I got a call from TX Children's and got good news & bad news. Bad news, they were not able to coordinate the MRI & ultrasound and the consult for the results for the same day. Good news, I won't have to wait to long for the consultation, I can go back the next day to see the Neonatologist & Pediatric surgeon. (I was so worried they'd make me wait & worry the whole weekend.) The scheduling lady said during the consultation the doctors will let me know if surgery is necessary, and if it would need to be done inner-uterine or after the baby is born. (Hopefully neither will be necessary.) So its set.

MRI - Thurs. 7/19 12:00
Ultrasound - 1:30

Consultation - Fri. 7/20 12:45

GTT & MRI

2007-07-09T13:29:00.000-05:00

I got my test results from my Glucose Tolerance Test, and it came back a bit on the high side. So I'll have to go back sometime this week to do a 3 hour GTT. But on a better note, my Torch Titers (bloodwork) came back negative for any infections.

I also got a call from Texas Child.ren's Hospital to start my preliminary paper work over the phone for my upcoming Fetal MRI. Now I just have to wait for a call back from the scheduling department to set up an appt. I was told to "be prepared, this is going to be an all day affair." More than likely we'd have to be there at 10am-5:00pm!!! She said it takes at least an hour and a half for most parts of the day. Which include:
Sign-in & prepping
the Ultrasound
then the MRI
and lastly we'd have a sit down consultation with a Neonatal and Pediatric Surgeon.

I trying to stay optimistic everything is going to be ok, but the thought of speaking with a Neonatal & Pediatric Surgeon has me shaken up. Right now its just a sit down consultation, but really the thought of surgery on my baby... I can't seem to swallow that. I guess my hormones have me a bit on the emotional side, but I'm still trying really hard to hang on to the chance that this will all blow over and our son will be ok. God, I hope its all gonna be ok.

little rewards

2007-07-05T14:59:00.000-05:00

Finally, a little good news. I just got an exciting phone call from my MFMD's office.

Monday I left my info with one of the front office gals, and I finally got a call back regarding a 3D/4D ultrasound. She said the best time to do it would be 27-30 weeks, and she asked if we wanted to do it tomorrow! I was thinkin, "Oh my Gawd!! Tomorrow? Its to soon!" Then it dawned on me, "Hello ding-dong I AM 27 wks 1 day."

So I asked if we could do it next week. I wanted to put it off for a week because I really wanna see pudgy cheeks, and cute fat baby face. Monday he weighed 2 lbs 1 oz and ya can't expect much pudge yet. So its set. We have our appointment for our ultrasound to be done next Saturday the 14th @ 10:15am. I know that still won't give him much time to pack on the lbs, but since I got pics from Monday's u/s, next week will give him a little time to grow.

I am so excited. I mean, I'm really, REALLY excited. I know we've had tons of ultrasounds with this pregnancy already, but this will be my 1st 3D u/s and I SO can't wait!

(Mild) Ventriculomegaly???

2007-07-02T16:10:00.000-05:00

My plan for this morning was to get my Glucose Tolerance Test done, in time to go to my Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr (MFMD). appt for an ultrasound, then see my Ob/gyn after to discuss my previous appt & do a Ob check-up.
It all started out well. I got the GTT done, went in for the ultrasound and the baby's heart rate was good (146 bpm) and he weighed in at 2 pounds 1 ounce. His foot, from heal to toes, measures 2 inches. He was showing off as usual, and gave us a big opened-mouth yawn, he even had his eyes open! Oh, and my Dr. gave us a picture of the strands of hair that can already be seen on top of his head! SOoo cute! (I will post pics later.)
My dr. measured everything, and all was normal except for the fluid around one of his ventricles in his brain... The normal range of fluid is a 1, and he's measuring a 1.2-1.3. Right now its a "mild case" but the lets just say there are a lot, A LOT, of scary things that can become of this... Absolute worse case scenario, we could lose him. I'm going to make this next part of my blog entry vague because I'm trying to keep my stress level down, and trying not to cry. If you want to learn about what he (might) have you can goo.gle it... Its called "Ventriculomegaly." I will say, I am scared. I love his little boy with all my heart, and as his mommy I want nothing more than to protect him and for him to be ok. I DO have extreme faith in God, that everything will be ok, but that doesn't stop my tears from falling. I hate that this is even an issue we are up against, but I know that if "He leads me to it, He will lead me through it." I know you all have been praying, and I couldn't be more thankful. Please keep sending up the prayers for my little boy.
My last appointment that we went to (that wasn't planned) was back to the lab for more extensive blood work. My MFMD needed "TORCH titers-pronounced 'tighters' " drawn and this was to see if I have any kind of bacterial or viral infections present in my blood that we don't know about, that may have crossed over into the baby therefore causing this elevated level of fluid in his brain.

My next step is: My MFMD is going to refer me to have a Fetal MRI done at Texas Child.ren's Hospital in a week. That way we will be able to see what this fluid is going to do from now until then. Two weeks from then, I'll be going back to MFMD for another ultrasound to see if there was any change from the MRI till then. I guess so we can try to detect a pattern to see if its getting worse, better, or staying the same over a 3 week period of time.

My job for the next few weeks is: Try to stay calm, optimistic, pray. And try not to stress about the unknown. God has His plan for him, we just have to trust Him.

26 Weeks Deep

2007-06-27T07:56:00.000-05:00

Today we made it to 26 weeks! What a milestone this week is. It seems like every week since 22 has been a milestone to me, since we lost Erik at 22 wks. I'm feeling optimistic, but still realistic, and I'm slowly starting to think that this pregnancy just may work out. Its all starting to feel so real, and like there's a good chance that in just 10 more weeks, just 70 days, we could have our little boy in our arms. Its amazing. But that thought seems so... so foreign to me. Its something I've felt before, but when it didn't work out that way, I feel that I'm really cautious about letting myself think and feel that way again. I guess its just one of those things that "pregnancy after loss(es)" does to you.

To think that this trimester is 2 weeks away from being over, then I'll be into my 3rd trimester. Gah... It all feels so scary, I've never been "this pregnant" before. I don't know what a 3rd trimester feels like. Its uncharted territory for me. I've had 3 first trimesters, 2 second trimesters (counting this one) and never have I experienced anything past that point. My body is changing, what seems like, every week. My belly is looking 26 weeks, but my brain doesn't know how to process that. Twenty-six weeks... **sigh** I know it may not seem like a big deal to some. It just may be "another week" to go through... But for some reason, each new week it takes me almost ALL week to believe we've made it this far.

I know its only by the grace of God, and the uplifting of prayers that has me here and we couldn't be more grateful. Every day, every single day, has been a true blessing. And if for some reason, it was all to end (like it has before) I will always thank God for this experience. This has been a difficult pregnancy, from the IUI, then the cerclage surgery, the episodes of bleeding, the hopsital stays, not to mention the 10 long weeks of strict bedrest and 10 more to go. But we are where we are, its all been a blessing, and its all for the sake of this baby.

Not so Luck.y Charms

2007-06-26T09:05:00.000-05:00

This morning, like many mornings, hubby wakes up early gets dressed leaves all my "necessities" near me like the TV remotes, cell phn, house phn, laptop, cross-stitch project, my outfit for the day, a breakfast bar or po.p tart, snacks, water, ect. and he kisses me & my baby belly then leaves for work. Well this morning, was not much different EXCEPT I didn't want a stinkin pop tart, or breakfast bar. I Wanted Luck.y Charms. So in my most pitiful, sweet, still- half-asleep voice, I ask him to please make me a bowl before he leaves. Him, being the wonderful husband he is, makes me my cereal, kisses me and leaves for work. So here I am, content with my bowl of cereal, propped in "my prison" or what others call a "Bed" and I began to eat my cereal. Mmmm. Marshmellowy goodness. I Love Luck.y Charms... All is going well, when I hear something funny. It's a June bug! Ok, I'm not sure yall are familiar with these gross little things, but they're like little beetles that fly around and run into stuff, and they're EVERYwhere outside come the month of June (hence the name.) So one of these little buggies is In My House! So I'm thinking, "its just one little harmless bug, just ignore 'him', MIL will be here in an hour and she'll take care of him, just ignore the little bug." So I do, or at least I try to. I go back to eating my cereal when that Son of a Biotch lands in my bowl! AHHHHHH! Nearly tossing the bowl in the air, I get so mad, I get up, march over the sink and pour it all out. Now I'm pissed off. That dang bug ruined my breakfast. Determined to have my Luck.y Charms, I grab another bowl and the box and that's when I realize there's no more. That WAS the last of the cereal. Now I'm really pissed off! We have, Honey Bun.ches of Oats, Cocoa Pebb.les, Specia.l K w/strawberries, Frosted Flakes and Honey Smacks, but do I want those kinds????? NOOooooo. I want Luck.y Charms. UGH!

So disgusted with this big ole' mishap I call my husband to tell him what happened, because ya know, it is so important I have to bother him at work. I tell him my story and I can hear him trying to hold back his laugh. He's actually laughing. He's actually laughing, AT ME! So, that's when my emotions come flooding out, and the tears start. Ohhh yes. The tears. All because I wanted my bowl of Luck.y Charms, and that damn bug decided that my bowl looked like a nice landing spot, now I'm crying. (It has to be pregnancy hormones, because nobody that's sane, cries over cereal.) He tries to explain that he's not laughing at me, just at the situation, which by the way isn't any better so we hang up. Not 5 minutes later, as I'm turning on my laptop to blog about this tragic experience, my MIL calls. She tells me that my husband has called, and she's coming over earlier than usual with a new box of... You guessed it.
LU-hu hu-CKY CHAR-har har-MS Baby, OOOOOohhhh Yeahhhhh! Mother In Law's ROCK! She should be here soon with my "magically delicious" cereal so now I'm happy again.
That S-O-B June Bug may have stole my last bowl of cereal, but I'm getting the last laugh!
HA! HA! HAAAAA!

Hope everyone in blogland has a great Tuesday and can start today with a smile. But you better not be laughing at me!

Clothes, clothes and more clothes

2007-06-22T13:09:00.000-05:00

Since all I have is time, I thought I'd take some pics to show yall what we've got so far.

My sister came over and gave me a bag of clothes that my nephew has grown out of. My nephew Lucas is 7 wks old, and that little ham has already grown out of his newborn and 0-3 month clothes. I couldn't believe his has already grown out of 0-3, so my sister tried to put an outfit on him to show me, and he looked stuffed in it. The little snaps were busting open, and in some of the footsies outfits he couldn't stretch his legs out straight. He's just so chubby & cute.

So our little one has got a nice little start. Here's pics of some the stuff she gave me.

Onesies, Mittens & Socks:

These onesies are premie, newborn, and justborn and a couple are 0-3 months

mittens on the left and socks on the bottom.

Gowns & Footsies

Hats and a pair of shoes

And these are the few outfits that I bought (on sale) while we were TTC. Ya know, those "too cute to pass up" kinda deals... Come on, I know I'm not the only infertile that buys stuff for my "future" babies.

Race Car overalls

Hoodie, shirt & pant suit.

(Here's the back of the hoodie) SO CUTE!

"Jungle Friends" romper

And this last outfit we bought when we were pregnant with Erik. There are a few items we're keeping that were just for Erik, but this one we're sharing. This one is daddy's favorite.

Houston Rockets onesie & shorts

(Back of onesie) Go Rockets!

Father's Day - Boot Camp

2007-06-19T09:15:00.000-05:00

I gave my husband his Father's Day gift a day early, and paid for him to go to Boot Camp for New Dads. Our hospital offers this class to new dads, four times a year and the next class wouldn't be offered until late October. We're due Oct. 3rd, but doing a C-section the first week of September, so would this was his last chance to go before the baby would be here.

He went to the class that afternoon, and learned so much. He showed me that he learned how to change diapers, strap a baby into a carseat, carry a baby, hand off a baby to someone else, bathe a baby, and so many other really great tips to help me once the baby is here. Richard came home with a Boot Camp t-shirt, a certificate of completion, a folder full of great info for him and I, and most importantly he came home really excited and ready to have a baby. That evening we went through the folder together, and I am so glad that he went. The experience he had is something I'm sure he'll never forget. He said there were about 12-15 other men there, all new dads, and seeing their excitement for their soon-to-be arriving babies, really hyped him up for ours.

Here's a quick pic of a cute camo footsie he bought, his certificate, a handout, and his t-shirt.

Project: Bed Rest

2007-06-15T11:29:00.000-05:00

It's been one week since I've started working on my cross stitching project, and I thought I'd give you a progress report to see how its coming along. Just a reminder, I am a novice, this is my 1st project, and I've never had a formal lesson on how to properly cross stitch I just drove head first into this one...

So, with that being said, here's a picture of my work.

Ob appt - 24wk 1 day

2007-06-14T14:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had two appts. First, I had planned on doing my one-hour Glucose Test at the lab, and getting out just in time for my Ob/gyn appt. Well, only half of that plan worked out. We got to the lab, waited almost 2 hours, still had six people ahead of me in line, and still hadn't gotten to drink the orange syrup. So I just crossed my name off the list and left.

My Ob was ok that I hadn't gotten it done, she said to just try to go some other time. By that time it was noon and I had been fasting for more than 12 hrs. so I was hungry and dehydrated. My Ob measured my fundal height and it was on track, then she used the doppler to hear baby's heartbeat and just when she'd find it he'd kick it and move away. He did that twice and the second time she felt him kick the doppler from under her hand, and we heard the swish of him swimming away. (lol, little stinker) She said he was probably retaliating because I was fasting to long for his liking. So after the appt we went straight to Chik-fil-a for lunch.

Kick baby, Kick!

2007-06-10T23:26:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I noticed that when the baby kicked hard enough, I could actually see my stomach move. My stomach would thrust out in such an unpredictable way, just below my belly button, it was the funniest thing. So I had Richard place his hand on my belly, and we waited. Both of us were silent, breathing so shallow, starring at one another when IT HAPPENED! When his eyes lit up, I just knew he had felt it. It was so amazing. My heart leaped with joy, my husband finally felt his son move. I had been describing the baby's movements, or at least trying to, for some time now. We were so excited that it was now something he too could feel.

I can't even put into words, without falling into a complete pile of blubbery tears, how exciting this was for the both of us. So we laid there together, TV off, in complete silence just waiting for another kick from our little one. It took a while... I could feel little tremors, but he couldn't. Then finally he gave daddy a great big kick, right in the palm of his hand. The tears... They came pouring from my eyes. Happy tears that is.

After today, there's no denying that we now have a little soccer player in there.
Kick, baby KICK!

Project: Bed Rest

2007-06-08T14:18:00.000-05:00

So to pass my time, I've decided to try to do something positive to keep my mind busy. So I've picked up cross stitching, and this is my 1st project. My SIL gave this to me when I was in the hospital with Erik, and after we lost him I stopped working on it. I took a few pics to show you what I'd done, and to document my progress along the way (which isn't much.)

So this is what I'm starting with... Everything that is done here, is what I did 2 yrs ago.

And here's what I've done so far...

Don't laugh. Its not much.

Thank You Anonymous Poster

2007-06-08T08:04:00.000-05:00

THANK YOU anonymous poster, your comment makes me feel a lot better. I don't know ANYONE online or in "real life" that has had this issue during their pregnancy, so as you can imagine its quite scary to be alone in the dark.

I've looked online and can't find much. If you (or anyone else reading this) have any suggestions as to where I can find out more about this Velamentous Insertion of Umbilical Cord, literature, web sites, forums, really anything... Please let me know.

Thanks again for the reassuring post.

-Jennie

Velamentous Insertion of Umbilical Cord

2007-06-07T14:58:00.000-05:00

I had been doing some research online to try to find out exactly what our baby's umbilical cord is doing. I knew the cord wasn't inserted properly, and the risk of fetal demise due to the cord ripping free was a possibility we are up against, but that's all I knew. Well at my last appt I asked more about it. She explained it to me some, and said that we'd have to do a c-section at 36wks (which I have no problem with) and its called Velamentous Insertion of Umbilical Cord.

Well here's what I found online.

http://www.thefetus.net/page.php?id=167

Per this site, VIUC is found in 1.1% in singletons and 8.7% in twin pregnancies.

www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=20497

Per this site, the definition of VIUC

Definition of Velamentous insertion of umbilical cord
Velamentous insertion of umbilical cord: An abnormal condition in which the umbilical cord does not insert into the placental mass but, instead, traverses the fetal membranes before it inserts into the umbilical cord. The main danger is vasa previa, a condition in which the blood vessels may be lodged between the fetus and the entrance to the birth canal. The unprotected vessels may rupture at any time during pregnancy, causing fetal hemorrhage and death.

This is all so scary, but I know it could be worse. I'm determined to continue learning as much as I can about this, and I will make it my priority to stay positive and thank God for every day our baby is still with us. We are so blessed to have gotten this far, I've never made it this far in a pregnancy before, and it is through prayers and God's will that we will have a successful pregnancy.

Ultrasound - 7 Pics

2007-06-04T12:02:00.000-05:00

Appointment with my Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr. was wonderful!

My little chunky monkey now weighs a whopping 1 pound 4 ounces! The u/s tech got all the measurements she needed, and everything checked out great. It was so neat to see the lenses in his eyes. Then we got to see his feet kicking around, she measured them and his little feet are each an inch long. And he is definately all boy. I was telling the u/s tech that at the last u/s (video we showed our family) my dad wasn't 100% convinced that our baby was a boy. My dad thought "his package" might be a part of the umbilical cord and not a "winky." So she said, "Ok, well lets just show him THESE shots." And she printed out two pictures of our baby's "boy parts" just for my dad. lol. She's so funny. She ended up giving us 6 pictures total, along with our video. So here are our baby's pics. Enjoy!

These 1st two are from our May 3rd u/s - 18 wks 1 day

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Giving "THE FINGER!"

These pics are from today - 22 wks 5 days

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Baby waving

Cutest little baby face!
(The "ring" seen inside his left eye is a lens)

And last but not least, here are his "boy parts"

fishy thoughts

2007-06-02T20:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my brother's 30th birthday so he and all the guys went fishing in Freeport, Tx. Richard caught 12 fish, all to small to keep. My dad didn't catch anything. And my brother caught a 3.5 ft. shark in the same beach waters we swim in every summer. SCARY!!!

And yesterday, made one year since I got my one and only tattoo.

On a different note: This thing about having an ultrasound once a month, has gotten me so spoiled, especially since its video-recorded and I can show it to our family and watch it anytime I want. I. Love. That. If there is anything that has made this pregnancy a little easier on us, its the frequent ultrasounds. Richard and I are both so excited about Monday's appt. I really hope everything goes well, we're just so anxious about seeing our little munchkin and seeing how big he's grown. Its amazing to me every time he moves inside my tummy. About ten minutes after I eat this little guy gets to moving around a lot, I can feel him all the way up to my belly button. Its a sensation that's so indescribable. It reminds me of when you have an aquarium full of fish, and once you drop a little fish food in, how they all swim to the surface gobbling up all the food they can. That's what it feels like.

Ok, I'm rambling. I better go we have company on their way.

Erik's B-day & My Dr. appt

2007-05-31T17:00:00.000-05:00

May 27 - Was a day that I'd been thinking about all year, the day our angel son Erik was to turn two. The day finally came and went, and together we got through it. The morning of his birthday I awoke to the sunshine, said a prayer to start my day and wished my son a Happy Birthday. After a late breakfast, Richard loaded up my wheelchair and we went to the cemetery to visit my special little birthday boy. But before we got there, we stopped by the flower shop to get some roses, and balloons. Last year I had made all the preparations for Erik's first birthday, picking out the perfect floral arrangement, buying a cake, making & sending out invites to our immediate family to join us at the cemetery for a balloon release, buying bubbles for my nieces & nephews, ect. So this year with me being on bed rest, I let "daddy" do all the work. At the flower shop he got a dozen white roses, and three balloons. It was so sweet. Richard couldn't decide what theme to go with, so he just went with all of them. One was a birthday balloon with Mickey Mouse (my favorite character), the next one was a sports theme-basketball, soccer ball, baseball & football, and the third birthday balloon had cars, trains, trucks, planes and as Richard says, "very boy-ish." We got there, he wheeled me down into the grass to be near Erik and God couldn't have made it a prettier day. The sun was warm, but hidden behind the clouds, the breeze was cool and so refreshing. We prayed, spent some time out there talking to Erik, and to our surprise my parents showed up shortly after. So all in all, the day went well. I think the good cry I had the night before, helped me get through the day. I cried a little, but for the most part I feel that we were able to celebrate his special day. I know our little Erik is watching over us, and has really "paved the way" for his brother to be here with us, even this long.

May 28- It rained and rained and rained... I'm so glad it did. It was the perfect weather to relax, snuggle up together and watch movies.

May 29- nothin' special happened...

May 30- Yesterday we made it to 22wks, YAY! And I had an Ob appt. and it went well. Dr. measured my belly, and it's measuring on track. Blood pressure was good, urine sample was good, and baby's heartbeat was 152 bpm which is also good. I haven't had any more issues with spotting or bleeding, so I'll be back to see her in 2 wks.

May 31- This morning I had a full house. My MIL & SIL came over and brought my goddaughters/nieces & nephews to visit. They brought me a movie, some magazines, a word search, a coloring book & crayons and a box of candy. They are all so sweet. My nephews were asking if we had decided on a name, and when I told them we haven't they started spouting off names. It was cute, they came out with some "normal" names like Jacob, Brian, Ethan, Brandon... Then it turned into funny, cartoon character names like, Jimmy (Neutron), Bart (Simpson), Donatello & Micheal Angelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) Elmo, and Cailou... We got a good laugh. I told them to keep thinking of good names, because we could use all the help in finding the perfect name.

hour before Erik's 2nd birthday

2007-05-26T23:40:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about Erik all day.

The tears my husband and I cried when we found out it was our last day with our baby.
The last private moments I shared with my baby still alive inside me.
The way my husband kissed my belly for the last time with Erik still in there.
The and last pleading prayers I prayed for a miracle to happen to save the life of our child.
The way my baby kicked inside my womb not knowing he was going to be born.
The physical pain of labor.
The fear of the unknown.
The moment I felt "Mother Nature" tell my body to push.
The moment I looked down and saw my baby leaving my body, yet still connected.
The way my Dr. softly whispered "It's a boy."
The way my Dr. swaddled our son and carefully placed him on my chest.
The way my son looked, so perfect, so tiny, pink and the most precious angelic face I've ever seen.
Touching his palm as he closed his tiny hand around my finger.
Promising him that we will always love him and will never ever forget him.
The warmth of his skin on mine as he laid on my chest.
Realizing that for the first time in my life, I felt like a mom.

The overwhelming rush of love I felt for my son.
Sharing my first and last moments together as a family.
Watching my husband holding and kissing his first born son.
The tears we cried.
Breathing in all that I could, and fearing that I'd forget his beautiful face.
Watching my parents & in-laws meet their grandson for the first and last time.
The feeling of never wanting to let him go.
Seeing the tears in the eyes of the chaplin as he baptized our son.
The moment I said my last good-bye, kissed my last kiss, smelled my last scent of baby, and feeling a huge piece of my heart dying along with my son.
Signing my signature next to the title "mother" on the paper work releasing our son to be taken to a funeral home.
Two days later leaving the hospital with aching empty arms, a lump in my throat, and a white and blue memory box with Erik's angel gown, blanket, baby hat, and footprints in it.

My mind can't forget the details, and my heart still aches like it happened yesterday. A part of me thinks "I should be over this by now" and "just be grateful for the miracle we have growing inside me right now." Well, I am so very grateful. But a stonger part of me feels like I deserve to be weak at least this time of the year. I feel like for the most part I'm strong all year, but once this day rolls around I can't stop the flood of tears. There's no words to express how hard this really is. My husband is being strong for me, but I know he too is dying inside.

Its about time for me to go now... Its 11:35pm and I've got to gather myself.

Heavenly Father, please hold my precious son tonight.
And when the sun rises, kiss his soft cheek and whisper
Happy Birthday.
It's what I'd want to do if he was here with us.

Living moments in our arms, but a lifetime in our hearts.
Erik Michael Gonzales
Born: May 27, 2005 12:09pm
weighing 13.6 ounces, and 10 inches long.

20 wks 6 days - 6th week of bed rest

2007-05-22T15:01:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I'll be 21 weeks and my little sweetheart is getting to be quite active, however he chooses when to be active. Yesterday he was a bit lazy, but this morning he was back to his vibrant kicking self again which was reassuring.

Richard and I are bonding with him but still haven't decided on a name. Heck, we haven't really LOOKED seriously for his name. I'm not really sure why we're "dragging our feet" but we're working on it...

The bed rest is challenging, but I'm more accepting of it. My husband is amazing, and has been a real trooper. The Dr. prescribed "NO ACTION in the bedroom" law is difficult on me at times, but for him he is so focused as to WHY we are being forced to abstain. When I try to stress to him how not having any intimacy what-so-ever is so difficult, he just holds me and reminds me that we are doing this for our future, its not permanant, just a temporary state that we have to be in. He tells me that he loves our baby and me to much to be selfish about his physical urges and nothing is more important to him than, us. So from that I have to gather myself again and refocus myself to make sure my eyes are still on the prize, and I'm not being swayed in the wrong direction. Through this I have gained a new respect for him and his strength. He's a super dad and husband, doing all the house work, cooking, laundry, bills, really everything in the house. He has really done so much to try to make this bed rest easier on me, I know I am so lucky to have him. Another person that is really helping us is my mother-in-law. She comes over in the morning around 8:00 and stays till noon and in those 4 hrs she cooks breakfast for me, does the ironing, folds the laundry, makes me lunch and does the dishes, while my husband is at work. I don't know what I'd without her help. I can only get up to potty & to shower so I haven't seen the kitchen or the other rooms in my house, in over six weeks. S-I-X WEEKS! It's so weird to me, I miss my freedom but I know its for the best.

My next appt is May 30th, and my next ultrasound is June 3rd. I can't wait. I know I'm spoiled to have as many ultrasounds as I have, but I've gotten used to seeing him once a month and with the bed rest the time between ultrasounds seems to be dragging.

I promised u/s pics in my last post, but Richard hasn't scanned them for me yet. I will have to get him to do that soon.

It's SO good to be back.

2007-05-18T18:15:00.000-05:00

Well ladies, have we got some major catchin' up to do! First things first... Many heartfelt thanks to you all for keeping us in your thoughts & prayers. I firmly believe its the wonderful out pour of prayers that have really lifted us and continue to keep us going. And thanks to my good friend Jenna for posting updates and keeping me busy and in-the-loop of real life outside of my house and hospital.

Now, for a quick (as quick as I can make it) catch up.

April 16th- I got home from work, plopped down on the couch to relax before starting dinner and I started bleeding. Freaked out, I called my OB and she told me to get to the hospital asap, she'd be there waiting for me. DH got home in record time and off we went to the hospital. We got stopped twice for speeding but pardoned once the police found out why. Once we finally got there, I was admitted to the Antepartum floor and we got to hear little one's heartbeat. That was so reassuring. The next morning we did and ultrasound and no source of bleeding could be found. I had stopped bleeding and was released that afternoon. But I was put on strict bed rest.

April 23- Exactly one week later, I started bleeding again. Back to the hospital we went. I was admitted again, we heard fetal heart tones, and the following morning during the ultrasound no source of bleeding could be found. AGAIN! So the only thing that we were told was that the placenta MIGHT have had a small separation from the uterine wall causing some bleeding, and because I'm on blood thinners for my blood-clotting disorder, that's what I was bleeding a lot. I was in the hospital for 3 days before the bleeding stopped and I was released. I was sent home with instructions to have a progesterone oil injection once a week to keep my uterus calm. And thank God, I haven't had any more bleeding since the 26th.

The first weeks of bed rest were horrendous! But now as time passes its getting a little easier. And now that I have a new lap top & wireless Internet I'm hoping this will help pass the time.

May 2- My sister went into labor. She had a wonderful delivery and baby Lucas Levi entered the world weighing 7 lbs. 4 oz. and 19 inches long. Mommy & baby are both doing well. And big brother Jacob (2 yrs old) is being such a big help.

May 3- I had an ultrasound with my Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr. (which I'll have to post pics a little later) just to see how we were progressing. The ultrasound went well and with much delight, my husband and I are so excited to announce that we now know what we're having, and......

drum roll please...

It's........

A........

It's a BOY!

We were so shocked, we were so sure we were having a girl. All my family & friends told us they thought we were having a girl too. We were totally surprised. Of course we're excited to know its a boy, but now we're clueless as to what his name is going to be. We had already picked out a girl's first & middle name, and hadn't even thought once about a boy's name... So now the search is on for the perfect baby boy name. I'm sure it'll come to us, it just hasn't yet. During the ultrasound he showed his little "package" it was the cutest little thing I've ever seen! We got a VHS video of the ultrasound, and invited my parents & in-laws over that evening to see it to share the news. They are so excited!

So now its known that God & and our little angel Erik chose a baby boy for us to have, and we couldn't be more happy.

So now to the scary stuff. We found out our baby's cord isn't inserted to the placenta correctly. The cord is being held to the placenta by the two arteries and one vein that run through the cord. Since the arteries & vein are not being protected by the cord at any point in time, the cord could rip free, which would end our pregnancy in fetal demise. So the plan is to be on strict bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy, I can get up to potty, and I get one 10 minutes shower and if and when we make it to 36wks I'll be having a scheduled c-section. Anytime I have an appointment, I am to be driven and I get around on a wheelchair. I don't mind, anything that will get this baby boy here safely, I'm willing to do.

So that's it.... My journey continues and every day I count my blessings because I know that we are so fortunate to have gotten this far. And every day that passes is another day closer to having our baby, and boy is he an active little one! I can feel him moving around and it is reassuring that its all gonna be ok...

Ultrasound # 5 4/2/07

2007-04-12T08:52:00.000-05:00

I know this is a little late... But here's one of the ultrasound pictures I got from my MFMD's office on April 2nd.

Baby at 13wks 5 days

Next ultrasound is May 21st and we can't wait to find out if we're having a little prince or little princess!

"Pink or Blue, either way WE LOVE YOU!"

Easter 2007

2007-04-10T10:58:00.000-05:00

We had a nice Easter holiday and I hope everyone else did too. It was extremely cold, but that didn't stop us from having a good time.

I know I have bad habits... But I'm craft-ier when I procastinate and stay up the night before, so Saturday night I was up past midnight putting together two Easter baskets. Its tradition in our family that the Godparents are in charge of getting thier Godchild(ren) their Easter basket. (Richard and I baptized Aimee a month after we got married and she was only 4 mths old, and we baptized Amanda when she was 1 year old so I've been making their baskets ever since.) Its so much fun, picking out foo-foo frilly girlly things to fill their baskets with. By the time the baskets are finished their mostly filled with pink & purple stuff, a new B.arbie & My.Little.Pony, sparkley hair ties, an assortment of flavored lip glosses and tons of snacks, cookies & candy. I absolutely love to do their baskets. Their only 5 and 6 years old, and Easter is so much fun for them. Even through the years of infertility, I've always loved making their baskets. It gave me a reason and a chance to buy all the fun little girl things I longed to buy all year. So this year when they got their baskets it was like Christmas to them. To see thier eyes bright with excitement makes us so happy... I love it, and can't wait to one day see my child enjoying Easter too.

Easter morning we went to the cemetary to visit Erik. Some of the babies in BabyLand had their sites decorated so beautifully, with Easter lillies, plastic eggs, and stuffed bunnies. It was a beautiful heartwarming sight to see... We took Erik a bouquet of lavender roses, and included one carnation. We added that carnation in honor of our little blessing we have growing inside. It was a flower from this baby to his/or her big brother Erik. We spent some time there talking about what Easter must be like in Heaven for Erik. The clouds must be glowing with brightly colored eggs for all the children, all the angels must be singing praise that the Lord has Risen, and Easter Lillies must adorn the gates of Heaven...

After we left the cemetary we went over to deliver the baskets & celebrate with our family. It was a good day.

Hopefully next year we (and all of you) will be celebrating with a new baby.

Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr. Appt.

2007-04-05T15:58:00.000-05:00

Its been a while since I've posted... My job has had me so tied up lately. My work hours changed (for the better) now I'm working 7-4:00, and so far I'm lovin it. Its so nice to get out before the really bad 5:00 traffic starts. However, I'm not a morning-person, and the gettin'up at 6:00am has me a bit sleepy in the morning. But... I'm getting used to it.

Baby news: Monday I had an appointment with my Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr. (Since that's really long, let's just call her MFMD...) So anyhow. The appointment went well. She's the same MFMD that cared for me while I was pregnant with Erik from 13wks-22wks, she even did my emergent cerclage. After she spent many hours (even off duty) to be with me in the hospital. Its her sincerity & compassionate attitude that has left a lasting impression on me. I really do appriciate her.

She remembered me, and said she was glad to see me back. We reviewed my previous file together, and then she did an ultrasound. Baby's heartbeat was good, and he or she is measuring up to date. Fetal movement is also good. Then when it came time to do the Nuchal Translucency Scan, the baby didn't want to cooperate anymore. The baby was in a comfy position and wouldn't allow them to get a measurement. So she had me undress and she tried with a transvag. ultrasound. Still, baby didn't wanna cooperate. She had me cough, lay on my left side, then my right, she even shook my tummy a little (with the u/s wand on top of my belly) and still, the baby didn't wanna shift positions. So. She had me get dressed, go out in to the waiting room to sit for a while, then walk around some, go to the bathroom, drink some water, and eat a few pieces of candy. In the meantime she took in another patient, did her scan, then took me back to try again. When she started the scan again, the baby was in the same, non-cooperative position with his/or her legs crossed. It was a little frusterating, because I wanted to get the results... But she reassured me that if there was a thickness (indicating a possiblity for Down's) that it would be obvious to see. But that she didn't see any signs of that. So she gave me my VHS videotape of my ultrasound & baby's heartbeat and two pictures and sent me on my way... Little stinker didn't wanna cooperate, however we DID get a really cute video of our baby. At one point the baby was kicking around sucking his/her thumb. And towards the end, the baby opened his/her hand, and I nearly broke down in tears. I was thinking, "You better be waving Hi, little one."

Today we're 14wks 1 day. And feeling ok. Morning sickness is now just in the evening, so I can't complain.

I hope everyone is well. I'll try to comment on yall's blogs tomorrow.

funny but gross

2007-03-27T10:14:00.000-05:00

Yesterday for dinner we didn't have anything planned, so we tossed together a quick Frito pie (Frito's corn chips, chili, shredded cheese & I like to add a little yellow mustard on mine.) When I have Frito pies it always reminds me of when I was a young playing little league girls softball, or when my brothers were in youth football and I was a cheerleader out on the field jumping around cheering. Good times... Anyway. So we had our Frito pies for dinner, watched Dancing w/the Stars, then for dessert I made us root beer floats. It was soooo good. We drank them, then after the show we hopped in the shower. All of a sudden, I didn't feel so good. I told Richard lets just make this shower a quick one, so I can go lay down. I had just gotten shampoo worked into my hair when.... I started throwin' up....ALL over his feet. I felt to bad. Physically I felt better, but I felt terrible that I had vomited on him. I jumped out of the shower and hugged the toilet to finish. All evening I couldn't stop apologizing for doing that, but he was understanding and said as long as I felt better then its ok and at least he was in the shower to wash it off...

Valuable Lesson Learned: Chili & IceCream don't mix well.

Ok, now that I've turned your stomach. Hope all is well with everyone and yall have a great Tuesday.

Monday

2007-03-26T16:03:00.000-05:00

Thank to God, we are finally past 12 wks and we're moving right along. (We're 12 wks 5 days) I know we're not "out of the woods" yet, and won't be till our chubby baby is crying in our arms, but I will breathe a little sigh of relief to be done with our 1st trimester. This weekend was one of the best weekends I've had a while. Not because I got to do anything fun, but because the morning sickness eased up and I actually got to eat and keep it all down. I was so happy. Saturday night my sister, her husband and Jacob came over to spend a night at my house. We ate pizza & had root beer (A&W is caffine free) floats, and it was SOOOO good! Not to jinx it, but I'm still feeling pretty good today. One of my really sweet co-workers told me this morning that I was glowing. I laughed and said, its probably because I don't feel so green today. lol

Regarding my last entry (I know this day in age its a touchy subject) but what I will say is... I REALLY do appriciate everyone's opinion, point of view, comments & support. I understand that unfortunately there are ignorant people in this world that will just never change, and we will have to excuse them from time to time and offer up our prayers for them. But I can do my part as future parent to be amoungst the "Newer Generation" of parents that will teach my child(ren) as I have been taught, to love and respect others regardless race, religion, age and/or gender. To me, Racism = Hatered and that is not acceptable by my standards. I guess that's why it bothers me so much when I hear racial slurs or stereotypes, but the chain can and MUST be broken. I know it probably won't be in my time, but hopefully by my great-great-grandchildren's time this world will see itself to be one of unity. I suppose one could be so hopeful...

VENTING - NOT pregnancy related

2007-03-22T10:54:00.000-05:00

If you heard a conversation like this (being of ANY race) containing these particular comments how would that make you feel? Would you be offended? Would it not effect you at all?

"A guy came in asking if we were hiring, but he didn't have a
resume' and for all I know he probably doesn't even have his 'papers.' "

"It wouldn't matter if he literate or not as long as he can read
numbers off of dials; and most people from Mexico know their numbers."
While holding up his watch, "If he can tell the time from the hands on a
watch, then he's hired!"

If you are one that is offended, would you confront the person? Would you tell a supervisor?
What if the person that said these things IS a supervisor?
(Sad to say, that my boss's boss is the one that said these comments.)

***If you are one that is not offended or don't see anything wrong with these comments, you can stop reading now.***

There aren't many things that can send me over the edge, but this is one thing that does. Racial comments, regardless of the race being targeted, MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL AND MY BLOOD BOIL! I wanted to jump out of my chair, and tell him off so bad! No one, no matter who you are, has the right to say demeaning and discriminatory comments about any race, at any time. You could be the f**king President of the United States for all I care, and that STILL doesn't give you the right!

My hands were shaking, my eyes wallowed up with tears, and my face turned so hot I had to go outside. I called my husband and told him how upset it made me, and to please talk me down before I say something I'm going to regret later. It took a while, but I'm ok now. No, I'm not going to say anything to him or any other supervisor, only because this issue has me so upset I don't want to get so emotional that I end up stressing myself out and it effecting our baby. Nothing is more important than the little miracle we have inside. No ignorant jerk or his comments, are worth what I have going on.

And yes, I do realize that my overly active hormones may be a little of what is fueling my emotions.

There, I said it. Now I'm curious to know what your outtake is on this topic.
Go!

what a day we had yesterday

2007-03-21T10:18:00.000-05:00

Richard said he was on "pins & needles" until after I called to tell him about the ultrasound. When I called him he was at the cemetary having lunch and visiting Erik. He said, that's his place to think, pray and feel close to Erik. And when he is stressed out he goes during his lunch break to sit in the grass and have quiet time and near our baby boy, he said its their "Father & Son time". And it gives him a recharged feeling to make it through what ever it is he's going through. When he got the good news that the baby is ok and still has a heartbeat, he thanked God and our little angel for helping us get through that scare.

So when I got home last night Richard hugged me then pressed his mouth close to my belly and told baby to "be a good, and to not scare us like that anymore." We'll see... I hope he/or she heard him. If that was our last scare from here on till after October, that'll make us one happy couple.

But what I do know is that, God is so good. We prayed so hard, and clung to our faith during our time of uncertainty, and He saw us through it. The power of prayer is amazing!
Our thanks and prayers go out to all those that lifted us up in prayer.

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee." Psalms 55:22

Can't find a heartbeat UPDATE

2007-03-20T10:48:00.001-05:00

I hate to even write this post but, I just got back from my Ob/gyn appt and she wasn't able to find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. She sent in another girl to try, and no luck. They both tried a second time, and neither one could find it. By then I started to panic. They both left the room, talked for a brief moment then my Ob/gyn came back in and said she's going to send me for an ultrasound to see if the pregnancy is still viable. Trying to fight the lump in my throat, I asked her if I should start worrying... And she said, "No, let's just do the ultrasound and find out for sure what's going on." She called the imaging center and asked for a "pregnancy viability ultrasound needed today ASAP." The soonest they could get me in is 11:45, so I came back to work. I'll be here for an hour, before I have to leave again. I know it wasn't worth my time or fuel to drive all the way back to work, but I know if I stayed out I'd be sitting in some parking lot crying and worrying about what may be. So I came back, just to blog to get this off my chest, and to try to do a little work to occupy my mind for a while.

If the ultrasound goes well, I'll come back & update. If not, I'm going home.

My God, I'm terrified.. please just let this litte baby be ok.

**********UPDATE***********

Thank you all for the prayers.

With hope and prayers in my heart, I went in for the ultrasound. And there our little baby was, moving and kicking around so much. And Thank God, we saw a heartbeating. The ultrasound tech couldn't say much, but I did see where she measured the baby and he/or she was measuring exact to date, 11 wks 6 days. Then she pointed out a heartbeat, and tried to measure it but the baby was moving around way to much. She reset the recording like 10 times, and towards the end of each recording the baby would flip around giving us the backside. Finally she got a reading. She didn't give me the baby's heart rate, but she did give me 2 pictures. So with that in mind, if something was wrong I highly doubt she'd give out pictures. But since she did, I'm taking it all is well and I'm feeling really relieved. I'll just have to wait for my Ob/Gyn to call to give me the rest of the details.

My Goodness, that little stinker scared me! The ultrasound tech joking said this little one's middle name should be Trouble-Maker, and I agree!

This rollarcoaster of ups & downs never seems to stop.

Below is one of the ultrasound pictures I got.

Here the baby's arms & hands are up close to his/or her face.

Peek-A-Boo!

Post-Op appt

2007-03-19T16:34:00.001-05:00

The appointment went well, for the most part. My RE did a pevic exam to check on my cervical cerlage, and said I healed nicely. My blood pressure and temperture are both in check and she pressed around on my belly (which always scares me, because I'd never press any where close to as deep as she does) and she said all is well.
Another good thing, tomorrow morning (at 7:00am) she's going to do a 1 hour Glucose test on me to see if I can get off of Metformin. If tomorrow's testing goes well, that's 2 less pills to take everyday, ANNNNND she's going to repeat the thyroid test to see if I can get off of my hyperthryroid pill. And the even better part (oh man, this is great) I can stop taking the progesterone vaginal suppositories! YAYYYYY! I've been on them since.... Since Forever! I'm so glad to be able to stop taking those yucky things now.

Tomorrow I also have an regular Ob/Gyn appt. and I'm really hoping to get to hear my little one's heartbeat. If I don't hear it, or if she doesn't have a doppler (which I HOPE she does) then I'm going to reconsider renting a doppler. I don't mind hearing the baby's heartbeat a few of times, but if I don't EVER get to hear it... I'm not cool with that.

Doppler

2007-03-15T16:46:00.000-05:00

I looked into about 4 or 5 different fetal doppler rental websites, and think I'm pretty convinced that I'm not going to be getting one. I seems like such a good idea to be able to hear the baby's heartbeat anytime... But after really thinking about it, and talking to my husband about it, we both agree that we could see that it might cause us some unnecessary stress. God forbid, if I couldn't find the baby's heartbeat, I'd probably lose my mind. So, its probably better off that I not put myself, my husband, and more importantly the baby through that kind of stress. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there that love thier dopplers, and that's great... But I just don't think its for someone like me (a compulsive worrier & stresser.) Maybe with the next pregnancy, I'll change my mind... But for this one, I don't really think its for us.
Plus, I'm sure we can find something else to spend the $25-40 a month on.

4 days Post-Op

2007-03-13T10:35:00.000-05:00

And I'm feeling great. I don't really notice or feel anything different after the surgery, I guess because my cervix isn't a part of my body that I encounter everyday. To be quite honest and this may be a little gross but, I am a curious as to what it looks like... You know, like after you get stitches on your arm or leg and its all bandaged up and you can't see it. After a while ya get kinda curious as to what it might look like and ya wanna take a peek... Ok, maybe its just me and I'm gross... But either way, I know I'm to chicken to find out. lol

My post-op appt is this coming Monday, and my next Ob/gyn appt is Next Tuesday. I'm wondering if this next time I'll be able to hear baby's heartbeat. I'm hoping between both visits at least one will let me hear it. Its the most beautiful sound ever... I remember hearing Erik's heart beating everyday for the two weeks I was in the hospital with him. I never got tired of it. It was so amazing to know that our hearts were together in my body and they were the closest they'll ever be. The intense feeling of love and complete joy that hearing that baby's heart is something I just can't explain. It just takes my breath away.

I'm considering ordering/renting a fetal heartbeat doppler... I might check into that later on today. I just don't want to get one, and it freak me out if I can't find the baby's heartbeat... Lord knows, I don't need anymore added worries or stress.

Surgery went well

2007-03-12T11:08:00.000-05:00

Thank you all so much for the support. I was so nervous, and knowing I had prayers and friends behind me made me feel so comforted.

The morning of the surgery I woke up late, of course, and had to rush out of the house. When we got to the hospital I was pleasantly surprised to see both my parents there waiting for me. They both came to be with me because they knew how nervous I'd be. It was nice to have them both there, my mom is so calming, and my dad is such a joke-ster it was nice to have my dad making me laugh, my mom to be reassuring and my hubby to be my rock. When it was time we said a quick prayer together, my daddy did the sign of the cross on my forehead, my mom gave me a tight hug and whispered a few words of encouragement, my hubby gave me an "I love you" look, kissed me, then kissed my belly and I was off to the OR. As I was wheeled off I was fighting back the tears in my eyes. I remember hearing the nurses talking about who got eliminated on Amer.ican Idol the night before, at first it was a little irratating because I was trying to pray. But then was a nice little distraction until I drifted off to sleep. It seemed like just a blink, and it was all over. My eyes opened and my family was there with warm smiles on thier faces, my hubby said, "Good Morning Sleeping Beauty." It made me smile, and let me know the worst was over. I was in the recovery room for a couple of hours, and then released to go home. I was so drugged, I don't remember the drive home or much more of that day. I slept the entire day away. Richard told me I talked to a couple of people on the phone but I don't remember who, or what I said... But either way I'm glad I did talk to Jenna and she posted a little update for me. (Thanks Jenna, you're the best!)

One the funny side. After the surgery was over, my RE talked to my family and told them that she had a nurse monitoring the baby while I was in surgery. She said with the anesthiesia the baby was relaxed, so relaxed he or she had his hands up by its head it looked like he was "just chillin'." She reassured them that baby's heartbeat stayed stable throughout the procedure, just that the baby was relaxing right along with me. She said she expected me (and baby) to recover well from the surgery.

The weekend went ok. I didn't do anything interesting, just rest, sleep, watch movies (Bor.at & Barn.yard) and both movies were entertaining. I slept a lot over the weekend. As far as how I feel... I'm relieved the surgery is done. It was such an important step, I feel like now we really have a chance at having a healthy pregnancy. More of a chance than I'd ever had before. Physically I feel well, not 100%, but well enough to return to work. I have take my time when going from a standing to a sitting position & vice versa, and I'm walking a little slower. ** TMI ** I lightly spotted pink on Saturday but by Sunday it was gone.

nervous about the cerclage sugery

2007-03-08T16:54:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow I have to be at the hospital at 5:30am, for admitting. My surgery is scheduled for 6:30am, and it should take an hour. After the surgery, I'll be sent to the recovery room for 2-3 hrs, then sent home. I have bedrest for 2 days and SHOULD be back to work Monday morning. That is if all goes well.

I'm fricking nervous. I'm trying not to be, I really am... Last night I spent the evening picking out the perfect color polish for my toe nails, and I know the dr.'s couldn't give a rat's as$ but I CARE! Once I finished my toes, I started on my finger nails. I cut them short, and went with clear polish. ( I know through past experience, they like to see the nail beds to look for proper blood flow.) Clear wasn't my first choice for my nails, but I can change it later. For now, it'll be ok.

I'm going to try to get my gal-pal Jenna to post for me once I'm out of surgery and we know all is well. Just cuz I'd hate to leave anyone hanging, wondering how it went.

Please keep us in your thoughts tomorrow...

a lot on my mind.

2007-03-06T10:21:00.000-06:00

***UPDATE***

Thank you all for your support, prayers and well wishes. It means so much to me.

Thanks to God, the ultrasound went great, and I'm back at work!
I got to see our little one in there just wiggling around, just as he (or she) should be. The heartbeat is a wonderful 172 bpm, and the baby is measuring right up to date, 9 wks 6 days. I was so SO SOOO relieved to see that little heartbeat. Its amazing how much the baby has grown in the last 2 wks. I got to see a head, and a growing brain, heart, body, legs and arms. And the baby was moving its little arms and legs, its the sweetest thing. I really hate that Richard missed this ultrasound. I had to really fight back the tears, seeing that precious little life inside me growing and thriving before my very own eyes. This baby has really done wonders for my spirits and faith. He (or she) has already shed so much light into our lives, just being with us.

*******Ultrasound pic below********

The oval on the left is baby's body, circle on the right is baby's head. And the little white things coming out from the middle are baby's arms. In this picture you really can't see its legs, but I got to see them during the scan.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Last night I couldn't sleep. My mind was wondering, and planning each and every senario that could possibly happen at my appointment.
Things on my mind:
March 3rd, made 3 years since we lost our first baby and I had a D&C. I remember feeling completely blind-sided, shocked and devastated that we, (a relatively healthy & young happily married couple) could miscarry a baby. I was SO naive to think, it wouldn't happen to me, and that it only happened to women that were not healthy, did drugs or drank while pregnant. To think that I had done everything "by the book" and still, it was out of my hands and we lost our precious little one. I still have my first u/s picture for that baby, and last year at my in-laws house in a photo album I found this baby's picture matted and a journal entry that this was Our special little Valentine baby. Since I had surprised everyone on Valentine's day with the news & ultrasound.
March 16th is my nephew Jacob's 2nd birthday. Our little Erik was born 2 months after my sister's baby was born. Its just sad to think of what should've been when I see her planning a boy's John Deere tractor party. I can see my son in my heart, he's a chubby brown haired little boy sitting next to his only boy cousin wearing a birthday hat singing happy birthday...
March 9th is suppose to be the date for my cerclage. That is if, this appointment goes well. My sister called me this morning to wish me luck, because she new I was going alone. And she reminded me that I should be able to hear the baby's heartbeat this appointment... I hate that I have to go alone. Richard is taking Friday off to be with me on the day of my surgery, so he didn't feel right asking for today off too. I hope everything goes well... I'm so nervous. If everything goes ok, I'm coming back to work and I'll update this post... If not, then I'm going home.

Wish me luck.

Its been a week since I've posted and..

2007-03-02T12:55:00.000-06:00

I’m doing ok; it’s just been a long week for me. I won’t get into all that’s stressing me out, but I will say that yesterday was a good day. Yesterday at work, I got a bonus check that I wasn’t expecting. I must have been a good girl last year because I got a lot more than what I was expecting. Well, I really wasn’t expecting anything, but when I found out I was getting a bonus I definitely didn’t have that dollar amount in mind. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it yet, but I’m sure I’ll find something to spend it on. Richard got a Christmas bonus and bought himself a Playstation 3 and a couple of games, so he told me (before I opened the envelope) that I could do whatever I wanted with my bonus. But with this kind of money, I just don’t think I can spend on myself. I’m to damn responsible and am already thinking of what bills I can pay off. He wants me to spend it on me, but since my RE has me on limited activity (because of my OHSS) its hard to plan a shopping spree. I guess I can just wait, but it’s burning a whole in my pocket! Lol

Well as for the pregnancy, we’re doing well. We’re 9 wks 2 days and progressing right along. I can see my body starting to change some. I lost 10 lbs (on weight watchers) before I got a BFP, and once I got the bfp I quit dieting. Since then I’ve lost another 5 1/2 lbs (NOT trying.) The morning sickness is all day, everyday. I haven’t really vomited but maybe twice; the worst part of it right now is the nausea and complete loss of appetite which is SO not like me. I love food, my family loves food, and anytime we get together it somehow revolves around food. It could be just a normal “come'on over and hang out with us” kinda day and we still manage to bake up some cookies & coffee before the night is over. But now, I can’t stand the thought or sight of food. And I really can’t stand the food commercials, which happens to be majority of the commercials on TV these days, if yall haven’t noticed. Ugh, the burger.king and taco.bell commercials are the worst. I literally have to change the channel when they come on, or it just turns my stomach. Richard laughes at me because if he has the remote and doesn’t change it in time, I cover my eyes the way our mother’s used to when we were kids and a kissing scene was in a movie. I know the nausea is a small SMALL price to pay for the little miracle we have growing inside, so I’d never complain.
The other change I’ve noticed in my body is that my chest is a bit fuller. On the norm, I’m a C, and now I’m more like a full C bordering a D. Again, not complaining, in fact it’s been appreciated by my observant husband. BUT we're still abstaining (per RE’s instruction) so the fun-bags, bah-zoombas, tah-tahs, knockers ( . )( . ) , or whatever ya like to call ‘em, they're are off limits. You can admire the girls, but keep you paws to yourself. (I’m so mean to him) **evil laugh** tee he he

So, my next appt is March 6th, and its gonna be one of many things. Its gonna be my last visit with my RE before she graduates me over to my ob/gyn, its gonna be my last ultrasound with her, AND its gonna be my pre-op. If all goes well, then on March 9th, I’m going in for surgery. Out-patient surgery that is, and my RE will be placing a cerclage. Its basically, stitches on my cervix to keep me from dialating prematurely, again. Because of my last loss, it was ruled that I have an incompetent cervix, so these stitches will be placed to prevent me from miscarrying again. Well… I, of many woman, know anything can happen. But this will be just to protect me from having any issues related to the incompetent cervix. I know only God knows if my little guy (or girl) is gonna make it, and for now I'm just fine with that.

Spilling my thoughts & Ash Wednesday

2007-02-23T16:18:00.000-06:00

Its been a rough two days. It felt like I had taken two steps back, into the grief I thought I was leaving behind. On Ash Wednesday after work, I met Richard at church. After mass, we received the ashes. And as our priest crossed my forehead with ashes he looked me in the eyes and said, "Remember, Man is dust, and unto dust you shall return." Listening to that one short sentence reminded me that life is to short. And that I should not spend the rest of my life beating myself up for what I should've done or said differently. On my way out of church I pick up a card that said "the ashes symbolize penance and contrition, they are also a reminder that God is gracious and merciful to those who call on Him with repentant hearts. His Divine mercy is of utmost importance during the season of Lent, and the Church calls on us to seek that mercy during the entire Lenten season with reflection, prayer, and penance." I tucked the card in my purse. When I got home, I read it again. Its amazing how when I need it the most, the church has a way of hitting a soft spot in my heart.
God is gracious and merciful to those that call on Him and we should seek mercy this Lenten season with prayer & reflection...

The two weeks I spent in the hospital with Erik, we prayed that whatever God's plan was for us we we'd accept. After our son died, I told God that I accepted that Erik was gone, but begged Him every day to please send us the strength and peace to continue living. At times I felt like I was going to die from my deeply broken heart, I've never hurt so bad before in my life. As time passed I began to seek strength in myself and my husband. Our family and friends reached out the best they knew how and embraced us. Although no one truly understood the depth of our pain and I can't really expect anyone to unless they've given birth and have had to hold their dying child in their arms. Since Richard and I really didn't have a decision to make for our son's life, because Erik didn't have a survival rate, the decision was already made for us. So I began to try to pick up the pieces from our shatter lives and gather peace from the short but sweet memories and pictures of my son. It still hurts that I can not see my son everyday, like little Amillia's parents can. But I know the day that I DO see my precious baby boy again, I will look him in the eyes and tell him that his daddy and I love him so much we put his life in God's hands. We did all that we could physically, medically and spiritually, and there are no regrets. And hope that in my son's eyes, and in God's eyes they both see that Richard and I have tried to be the best parents to we could to Erik, during and after his short life.

So this Lenten season, I am going to try to be less hard on myself. I'd like to think I treat my body kindly with all the resting, and pampering I do for myself. But inside, I'm a wreck. I am so hard on myself. I take the little failures in life and over-analyze them to somehow make things out to always be MY fault. Not everything in life is controllable. And its hard for me to accept and believe it, but I know some things are just out of our hands, and in His hands.

( Oh, and... I gave up chocolate for Lent. )

Really struggling with this.. Did we do the right thing?

2007-02-21T14:04:00.000-06:00

Last night on the news, I saw a story about a baby named Amillia Sonja Taylor. She was born in October at 22 wks gestation, weighing less than 10 ounces and was 9 1/2 inches long, and she survived. Its a miracle this child lived, and I'm happy for the family, and for growing technology, but...
My heart is breaking for my son. Erik was born weighing 13.6 ounces and was 10 inches long... He was given 0% survival rate by the doctors, and I accepted that. I, as his mother, accepted that. Seeing this story in the news, makes me think we were wrong for accepting the doctor's zero percent survival rate. Am I wrong for letting my son pass before my very own eyes, and not fighting for his life? I can't stop crying about this. I feel horrible. I was to a point where I thought I was ok, since there was nothing that could've been done. But now that something HAS been done and that little baby girl survived, I can't help but to feel this extreme guilt. I feel saddened that we accepted, what we thought was only reality, and allowed our son to die. It hurts. It hurts me so bad. I know there could be a millions what if's, but the one that has me shaking is what if we would have fought the dr. and demanded that they at least TRY to save him. Would I still be crying today? Or would I be caring for my 21 month old child?

I have to end this post so I can try to gather myself again.

Valentine & Ultrasound 2

2007-02-16T08:42:00.001-06:00

On Valentine's we went to the cemetary to take Erik his Valentine I made him, I was so proud of it. Here's a picture of it hanging on my door. I know I'm not great at making bows, but I'm working on it. When we got to the cemetary I was so happy to see that my parents had visited Erik and gave him a froggie balloon holding a heart that said "I love you." It was so cute!

We spent a little time there talkin to Erik, and from there Richard took me out to one of our favorite Mexican resteraunts. Once I got in there I actually had an appetite, which was surprising because my morning sickness has really been wreaking havoc these days. We ate, and once we got home we exchanged gifts. Richard is such a sweetie. He gave me a beautiful Willow Tree statue to add to my collection, the Angel of New Beginnings. He also gave me a really nice box of chocolates, and a book I had mentioned a while back that I wanted.

Yesterday the ultrasound went well. Its so exciting to see our sweet little dumpling growing. "He's" now a whopping 9mm big! RE said baby's measurements are right on track and so is the heartbeat. I was SO relieved. My ultrasound tech is so great, she gave me 7 pictures, all different poses. (Well, they all pretty much look the same because the only real movement is the heartbeat. But I love 'em) I am so glad to have such a nice ultrasound tech, she's the one that monitored my ovaries while we've been ttc (w/injections) and she did all my ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Erik. She's so great. And my ovaries are looking a little better. The residual follicles/cysts have shrunk, slightly. The 66mm one is now a 61mm, the 57 is a 53, the 56 is a 54, and all the 40-30mm ones are now 35mm and under. My ovaries still look like I have one big, huge, uni-ovary but the shrinkage is a good sign. And the swelling in my tummy has gone down some. I can fit back into my pre-pregnancy jeans without having to hop around.

So yall. Here's one of the pictures I got yesterday.

(Isn't my little babycakes so CUTE!)

Guns & Valentine's Day, don't mix

2007-02-14T11:10:00.000-06:00

I work for the utility company, and my group of guys work in the field turning customer's power off for those that move out and/or didn't pay their bill. They do turn-on's too, but anyway. The guys normally call me on the radio after each disconnect for non-payment, so I can start processing the work order. This morning I got a distrubing call over the radio. One of my guys is yelling "CALL THE POLICE, THIS GUY HAS A GUN!!! CALL THE POLICE!" I run to my bosses office so they can hear what's going on, I get his location and ask him if he is able to leave the location. Thank God, he was able to. We call the police, and are now working on police reports. MY GOD! I'm still shaking. I have a such great group of guys, I'd never want anything to happen to any of them. I love them like my brothers. Its so scary to think of what could've happened. My heart is RACING!

It makes me so mad. ALL THIS, just because a fu^kin idiotic customer didn't pay his bill, and didn't want to get disconnected for non-payment! GAH! My guys are just doing their job.
It doens't take a rocket scientiest to know that when you don't pay your light bill, you're gonna get cut off.

**sigh** What a day.

OK. Now that I've vented that off.

Happy Valentine's Day, ladies.

I hope your day is filled with lots of love and chocolates!

XOXOXO

No Ketones

2007-02-12T15:24:00.000-06:00

Friday evening my family came over to visit. We ate ice-cream and played games all evening together, it was so much fun. Saturday and Sunday I laid around the house all day, like I do every weekend, on bed rest.

This morning I got up early for my RE appt. Well it really wasn't an appointment, I just had to go in and leave a urine sample to see if I still had ketones in my urine. I got a call around 11:30 saying my urine tested clear. I no longer have ketones in my urine, which means I'm now getting enough protein & carbs, and I'm drinking enough water. Gosh, I'm such a good girl. I have been working really hard at trying to drink my 64 oz. a day, 48 oz. of other fluids, and drinking my daily Ensure. Then trying to eat healthy meals. Its hard, but I'm not complaining. The morning sickness is all day, but I haven't "tossed my cookies" yet so I'm doing well. I thought I was this morning, but somehow managed to kept my mind off it till it went away.

Preggo Tip: If your Dr. puts you on an Ensure a day, put a little milk in it. It makes it MUCH easier to drink. You can even mix the Vanilla Ensure with milk and pour it into your favorite cold cereal. MMmm. Oh, and now they have Ensure snacks. Not all grocery stores carry them, our H-E-B does but Wal-mart doesn't.

3 more days till my next ultrasound. I'm hoping we'll be able to hear our litle one's heartbeat, it may still be to early, but we'll see.

Ultrasound

2007-02-08T13:19:00.000-06:00

Have we got some catching up to do. I've been away from my computer, hence the absence of my updates, because Tuesday morning I began spotting. It wasn't a lot, but definitely enough to scare the daylights out of us. (possible tmi) By Wednesday the spotting turned into light brown only when I wiped so that gave us a little hope that everything could still be ok. I put myself on strict bed rest for those 2 days, and waited for my appointment. RE said we couldn't come on any earlier because it might have been to early to see a heartbeat, and that wouldn't ease our fears. So this morning Richard and I went into my RE's office for my first ultrasound and Thank God, our little one has a heartbeat. The ultrasound tech assured us there was only one little guy in there, but that next week we'll do another ultrasound to make sure no one was hiding, and to make sure our little guy is still doing well. We measured 6 weeks 1 day today, right on track. The heartbeat was a little on the low side 103 bpm, but she said it could be because the heart just starting beating a few days ago, and sometimes it takes a little while for it to strengthen. So my next ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday 2/15.

On the not-so-good side of things, I got scolded for not drinking enough water and not eating enough food. My Dr. said it is bad enough that I could be admitted to the hospital if I wanted to. She's giving me till Monday to "get my act together", and if I don't prove that I can do better than I am, I'm in trouble and may need to be admitted. In all honesty, I don't have any kind of an appetite. I know I have to drink lots of water and I am, just not enough. I drink water and get nauseas, so when I do eat I just eat a little. She put me on: Antibiotics for bladder infection and one Ensure drink a day with high calorie & high protein diet. The other not-so-good thing is that I'm hyper-stimulated my ovaries, which is the cause to my severe bloating. I have TONS of 50mm and over residual cysts. Its so bad that my ovaries are actually touching! In the ultrasound she couldn't see where one ovary ended and the other began. So she said in time the pregnancy hormones should shrink them down. It could take a while, so take it easy. No lifting anything over 5 lbs, no exercising, no climbing stairs, no shopping, just to work and home. And we have to abstain. Richard was there and boy did he have his ears on. It was funny because at times during the instructions he'd look at me, and knod his head like, "You listening?!" So I know he's gonna be in mega-strict mode with me. Which is a good thing. He cares.

So we left the Dr.'s office with a book of what-not's and what-to's, my Rx, and a cute little baby picture. Oh, and a BIG smiles on our faces.

So here is what we've been waiting for. Sorry, its a bit fuzzy.
I don't have a scanner at work, so I took this pic on my cell phone.

Baby's First Picture

another relaxing weekend

2007-02-05T10:49:00.000-06:00

This weekend was pretty low key. Richard had me on house arrest/bed rest again. He thinks that since I work all week and can't be down, on my days off I should rest as much as possible. Oh, now how can I fight that?! lol So I'm doing as "Dr. Hubby" orders and resting & relaxing as much as possible while he waits on me hand & foot. Dam*, I'm so spoiled. ;)

Saturday my BIL invited Richard and my dad to play at some Texas Hold'em tournament. So my sis (and Jacob) & mom came over to hang out at my house. Richard didn't really want to leave me, but I convinced him he needed to get out and enjoy some time with the guys. Just to help him take his mind off some of the stress we've had lately. So he went. They got back around 1:30am and Richard ended up winning 2nd place. He profited $50, so needless to say he had a great time and he came home with a big smile on his face. He was so glad he went, it gave him a chance to relax and play with the guys.

Sunday I wanted to go to church, but Richard didn't want me leaving the house for anything. He said "God will understand, us missing church so I could be on bedrest." I'm sure he's right, but I really felt the need to go and thank God for blessing us. I didn't get to go, but I made sure to say an extra prayer last night. I might stop off at the church on my way home for a little bit.

This morning I was getting dressed and Richard saw me hopping into my jeans. Now girls, SOME of us with "junk in our trunk" like me, gotta jump around to shimmy it all in. lol Yall know what I'm talkin about. We'll that's what I was doing. When I finally got my rear in them, I turned around and saw him staring at me with this hilarious "WTH are you doing?" look on his face. I busted out laughing. I was caught! He told me to "un-jump my happy butt out of those jeans, and put on some maternity jeans." I was like, its way to early for maternity. He didn't seem to hear me, or care. So I grabbed a pair of stretchy maternity jeans. Slid them on with much ease, and found a long enough blouse to cover up the elastic waist band. And he was like, "Now isn't that much better?" Of course I hated to admit it, but it did feel really really comfy... He was like, "Who cares if they're maternity jeans, as long as you and baby can breathe in them, that's all that matters." Ugh, I hate it when he's right.

Tonight's mission: Try on all my jeans and slacks to see which ones I can comfortably fit my hinney in, so I can wear them without Richard thinking I'm strangling myself and baby.
Now THAT should be interesting.

Much Love to all.

OMG

2007-02-02T15:55:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I'm saying this, but we got GOOD NEWS! This is total surprise to me, it really is. I'm so excited I can't breathe, much less type. Dr. called at 3:45 to tell me that today my hcg is 1,359. I asked what it should be around, and she said over 900-1,000 is ideal.

I can't believe this. I'm absolutely floored. I wasn't expecting good news. I had already given up, surrendered my worry & stress over to God, and prepared myself for the worst. I am speechless... It's completely beyond me how my baby and my body, managed to pull through this.

Oh dear Jesus, I don't have enough words to express my appreciation I have for all those that were, and still are praying for us. The power of prayer is amazing.
God is Good. God IS Good.

updated

Oh, and the ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday 9:00am. By then I should be 6wks 1 day, and we should be able to detect a heartbeat. YAY!

4th quantative hcg

2007-02-02T08:38:00.000-06:00

Today's the day. I got to my RE's office on time, got my blooddrawn at 6:45, picked up breakfast, and came to work. I thought about calling in, just so I can be home but its probably better I'm here at work to help the time pass faster rather than just sitting at home watching the clock. I'm hoping to get a call with the results before lunch time. Just in case, I've already arranged with my boss that if I get bad news, I'm going home. If its good, I'll stay and finish the day. But its possible that if my hcg is up, that my RE will want to do an ultrasound. Either way, I'm finally ready to know. Richard and I prayed last night, and this morning we said another quick prayer together to start the day. He's been a total saint to me, he's been so patient and he's doing so much to help me around the house, I'm so thankful to have such a great guy. He really knows when to step up his game, and I couldn't be more appriciative of him.

Thanks to all that have kept us in your thoughts. Its is through prayers that I've been able to find the strength to get through this week. Its been a journey this far, and if it ends today I will continue to strongly believe in the power of prayer. Miles, states and even countries apart, you all have touched us in prayer. Thank you so much.

I will post the results, as soon as I get them.

my thoughts

2007-01-31T13:25:00.000-06:00

Two more days till we find out what's going to happen with this pregnancy. In a way, I'm anxious to find out. But in another way, I'm kinda glad I had these few days of not-knowing to prepare myself for what's to come.

Honestly, I can't say I have much hope. With my #'s being as low as they were last week & Monday, I know its not likely for this pregnancy to work out. I know that probably sounds bad, but its what I feel in my heart. I'm really trying to stay realistic... I know the odds, and its not looking good. However, I do have faith, and I do believe in miracles. I don't know that we'll get to experince a miracle, but I believe its still possible since its not over yet. I am sure that whatever happens, we're gonna be ok. It would be heartbreaking if we have to accept another loss, but we can pull through it. We've been through worse. So I know we'll be ok.

I knew going into this, that me being high-risk made our the chances of a successful pregnancy slim and I accepted that. That's life. I don't like it, but I can't change it, and if we want to have the family we've dreamt of we have to continue on forward.

Two more days, and we'll know.

long weekend of waiting

2007-01-29T12:41:00.000-06:00

*********UPDATE***********

I just got the results back from my bloodwork. My hcg didn't double, but it didn't go down either. Friday 233, and today 348. My RE said we'll repeat the beta again this Friday, and if my #'s go up we'll do an ultrasound to look for a heartbeat. So we're gonna have to wait 4 more days to find out what's going on. I'm relieved it didn't go down, so that has me hopeful, but we're still in the same boat as before. Wondering.

-----------------------------------------------
This weekend was a long one. Richard put me on bed rest/house arrest. We watched movies all weekend, ate, laughed, cried, prayed, and tried to sleep as much as possible to make the time pass. At first it was nice, but then by Saturday afternoon I had, had enough. My back hurt, and I felt gross from just laying around all day long. It was so bad my legs had jitters, and made me want to run around the house a couple of times to shake the feeling out. Richard really waited on me hand & foot. He went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, washed dishes, did the laundry, he even made sure I had all the remotes & phones in arms reach just in case I needed them. What would I do without him.

I am really nervous about this blookwork. I'm hopeing this weekend helped and our baby got the boost of energy he/she needed to make it through. I am so hopeful. We prayed so hard this weekend, and we are so thankful to have so many friends and family praying for us and our little sweet dumpling. I really hope that its in God will, for this baby to make it.

I guess time will tell. I'll post the results as soon as I find out...

Not Good News... Prayers Needed

2007-01-26T15:59:00.000-06:00

I got the results to this morning's beta. My RE said she wanted to see it >280, this morning mine was 233. I have to go back Monday morning to re-test to find out what its at. I'm really scared, I can't lose another baby. I just can't. I know I can't give up yet, because as of right now I'm still pregnant. But I don't know for how much longer.

I asked if there was anything else I could do to help this pregnancy, and she said keep drinking lots of water, continue taking my meds, rest, and try not to stress. (Like that's possible)

Then to add "insult to injury", my thyroid levels showed to be elevated. So she's starting me on some kind of medicine for that. Great. Just what I needed. More drugs.

So I'm off to a weekend of worrying.

p.s. Please keep my baby in your prayers.

2nd quantative hcg

2007-01-26T07:42:00.000-06:00

Last night I asked Richard to wake me up early because my appt for 6:45 and it takes me 30 minutes to get to my RE's office. Well, he forgot. He just so happened to wake me up at 6:10 to ask me where the checkbook was. UGH! I had just a couple minutes to jump into whatever outfit I could find, wash up & brush my teeth and run out the door. GAH!
However I did manage to make it on time...
Just call me, Speedy Gonzales! AYE-YA-YA-EEE!

The nurse that always takes my blood, hugged and congratulated me, then took my blood. It was sweet, she said she was thinking about how happy I must have been when she saw that my test came out positive. She's been taking my blood for 2 yrs now, and I'm such a frequent blood-giver, we see a lot of each other. Once she was done, I asked her about when I'd be having a 1st u/s. She said the first week into Feb. 5-7th-ish. That is, if this quant. hcg came out well, and my #'s are doubling as they should. I asked her how far along I'm showing to be and she said 4 wks 6 days. I thought I'd be around 3 wks 5 days... But I'll go with whatever they say.

So I'll be getting a call back w/my #'s and I'll be sure to update yall.

TGIF!

hmmm, I really am pregnant...

2007-01-25T16:49:00.000-06:00

Gosh. Even though its my 4th pregnancy, the thought of ME actually being pregnant its still so new to me right now. Not just being one day after we found out we are, just everything about it. Kinda hard to put into words. I mean in the last few days I went from really hopeful, to trying to think positive, losing hope because I started spotting & cramping, then POW!!! I was hit with a BFP. Its weird. Don't get me wrong. I am SOooo SOOOOooo excited, I guess I'm just really overwhelmed right now. It hasn't really soaked in yet. My mind is stuck in LaLa Land, and it doesn't seem real to me.

Tomorrow morning at 6:45am I have to go in for another quantative hcg bloodwork, to make sure my #'s are doubling like they should. To me I see it as another "hurdle" I have to jump over to get a little closer to the finish line. I know there are gonna be A LOT of hurdles, but I'm ready. As ready as I'm ever gonna be.

BFP!

2007-01-24T15:14:00.000-06:00

THANK YOU JESUS!

FINALLY the day I've been counting down to.
I woke up from a sleepless night at 6:00am and was at my RE's office by 6:30am.
I was so excited, and so ready to know. I put a little make-up on in the car, just to waste a little time, till it was time for my appt. I went in, gave my blood, left, stopped at Whataburger for a quick breakfast, and went home. Now the wait begins.

Last month I knew the results by 9:30am, so I was expecting to get them by then.
9:30 rolled around, and nothing... The phone rang, I jumped up and it was Jenna. lol
We talked for a while, and waited for THE CALL. 10:00.. Nothing...
I was starting to worry. Then finally at 11:08 the phone rang. It was my RE.

"Mrs. Gonzales?"

"yes..."

"How are you?"

"umm ok, just a little nervous & anxious. Well?"

"Well.." LONG PAUSE

"We got a positive, Congratulations!"

"You Mean I'M?"

"Yes m'am, you're pregnant."

"Are you sure?"

She laughed, "yes, I'm sure."

We talked for a little longer, then hung up. Tears streaming down my face, all I could do was Thank God.
Thank Him for blessing us with a 4th chance at having a baby. And thank Him for the tiny miracle He put inside me. No matter what happens, this pregnancy is such a blessing already, and we are so thankful.
Gosh, I still can't believe it. It worked. We did it. We really, Really did it.

I look down at my belly and can't see much, but I know a little baby is in there that we already love so much.

I couldn't be more excited.
Its so hard to put into words... I'm shocked, thrilled, overwhelmed, all at once. I can't stop crying happy tears...

I really want to thank you all for your sincere well wishes, and prayers.

I'm Pregnant! *sigh* I still can't believe it.... I'm pregnant.

Oh... I almost forgot! She said the HCG range the test is looking for would be around 25-50. My HCG was 178, and my progesterone was 164. Both REALLY good.
I go back for a 2nd quantative HCG on Friday to make sure my #'s are doubling like they should, then we'll talk about doing our 1st u/s to find out how many are in there. YAY!

Crazy Talk

2007-01-23T13:22:00.001-06:00

Just one more day till test day. One stinkin more day.
Actually... Its less than one whole day. My appt is at 6:45am, so I have 17 hrs 5 minutes till the blood draw.

I'm going CrAzY. Absolutely NUTS! (If ya can't tell.)
COME ON!!!!! Com-a Com-a COME ONNNNN! Time just won't go by fast enough!

Ok, now its just 17 hrs away. Great! Getting closer by the minute.
I'm so ready to know now. Its really gonna take every bit of me to stay away from the drug store, and to keep me from buying a pack of hpt. Every BIT of me.

Here are my symptoms, just for the record:
Nauseous
Loss of Appetite
Bloated
Crampy
Fatigue
absolutely out of my mind, and loopy

And I've said it before, and I'd say it again. If I'm not pregnant, something is definately going on "in there". I feel pretty crappy, and there has to be an explanation.

I'm trying to be positive, I really am, I'm just ready to find out if this cycle worked or not. This 2ww has to be the worst one I've had in a long time. GAH!

Spotting? - RE appt.

2007-01-22T13:15:00.000-06:00

Saturday evening my whole family got together at a nice Italian restaraunt called "Buca Di Peppo" and we had so much fun. We weren't really celebrating anything, we were just getting together to enjoy each other's company, and spend some time together. We ate so much, but still managed to somehow fit dessert in there. So everything was going so well, all the way until we got home. I started spotting pink. I didn't know what to think. Was it AF coming early? Breakthrough bleeding? Implantation bleeding? I was frickin out. I went to lay down and as soon as I did, I caught the world's worst stomach cramp. It was so bad. It felt more like a contraction that wouldn't let up. The cramp was so intense, it brought tears to my eyes. I have a pretty high threshold for pain, but this one nearly sent me over the edge. I was so close to having Richard take me to the emergency room, that's how bad it was. I forced myself to try to go to sleep so I wouldn't feel so much pain, and it worked. Sunday I woke up feeling a little better. The pain began coming in waves, so at least it gave me some time to recover from one wave of pain to the next. I called my RE and she told me to continue taking all meds, rest as much as possible, keep well hydrated, and to call her if anything changed and she'd see me first thing Monday morning.

This morning I went in for an RE consultation. We discussed my symptoms, and she didn't see to be to alarmed. In fact she said that the spotting (since it stopped) may be implantation bleeding. I asked if it was a little late for implantation, and she said no. She said the spotting could also be the progesterone suppositories irratating my cervix causing it to bleed some. But either way we'll have to wait till Wednesday to find out if we're pg, and we'll go from there. The consultation was really for a Plan Of Action, so we put one together for next month IF this first IUI didn't work. The next Plan Of Action isn't much different than this month's, except for adding another medicine; Antegen. (sp?) We'd grow follicles till mature, than take Antegen to stop the growth on the mature follicles to allow time for some others to catch up, then we'd trigger like normal then do another IUI. RE suggests doing 3 IUI's before moving on to IVF. BUT for now, we need to stay positive that we won't need anymore cycles, that this one will be The One.

2 more days till test day. YAY!

3 Cheers for P4!

2007-01-19T13:12:00.000-06:00

Hip Hip..... Hurray!
Hip Hip ....... Hurray!
HIP HIP.........HURRAY!!!!!

This morning I went in at 7:30am for a progesterone level check/bloodwork. Well I just got a message from my RE saying that it came out great. It needed to be over 20 and its 155. YAY!
And since my levels are good, I could skip my last HCG mini dose injection YAYYY! AND YALL THIS IS THE BEST PART!!! My Beta was bumped up 2 days earlier. So I'll find out Wednesday, instead of Friday. WOO HOO!
OHHHhhhh the difference those 2 little days make.
So I have 5 days left in my 2ww instead of 7.
Gosh, I hope this is it for us. I really, really do.

As for test day I sheduled the day off work. I took it off for 3 reasons, the same 3 reasons I always take test day off.

Reward myself for all that I went through this cycle (injections, transvag. u/s, the cocktail of pills I take daily, progesterone vag. suppositories every night, frequent appts / bloodwork & this time the IUI)
So I can be home to accept the news, whether its good or not-so-good. It'll give me time to accept the news and either CELEBRATE and go shopping. OR do the normal crying, pouting & pity-party I throw for myself each time I get a BFN. Then do some much needed "retail therapy" to make myself feel better.
And lastly just to be away from work for a day to get myself together again. God knows, I'm a basketcase on test days and would be no good at work anyway.

I'll be sure to post from home Wednesday, once I get the news.

Infertility Humor

2007-01-17T15:33:00.000-06:00

Infertility Humor

These jokes may not be funny to some and they are not politically correct. If you're not in the mood please don't read . . . No offense is intended.

How does an RE like his eggs?
Over 20mm!

Why did the RE cross the road?
Because there was an affluent, infertile woman in her 30s on the other side.

One ovary says to the other ovarie, "Hey, did you order any furniture?" The other ovarie says, "No, why?""There are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."

Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions either!

Two sperm were swimming through a woman's body. The first said, "Whew. I'm getting tired. Just how far is it to the uterus?""The uterus?" the second laughed. "We're not even past the esophagus yet!"

How can you tell if a man has a high sperm count?
You have to chew before you swallow!

How do you know that God isn't a woman?
Because if God was a woman then sperm would taste like chocolate!

You know you are trying to get pregnant when:You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . . or . . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21"

Why do gypsies have trouble getting pregnant?
They have crystal balls.

Why do male basketball players have trouble getting their spouses pregnant?
All they do is dribble.

How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two but I dont know how they would get in there.

Getting the Mechanics
There was an RE who decided he no longer wanted to practice. Instead he wanted to restore old cars. To prepare himself for this career change, he signed up for a mechanics course in engine repair. He studied really hard, and the day arrived for the final exam. The task was to find out what was wrong with the engine and repair it. The RE took a little longer than the rest of the class, but he got the job done. A couple of days later he went to see how he did. Up on the wall, beside his name he saw a mark of 150%. He was really puzzled so he went to the instructor. "How can this be?" he asked. The instructor replied, "Well, I gave you 50 points for figuring out the problem, and 50 points more for solving the problem. BUT I had to give you an extra 50 points for doing all the work through the exhaust pipe!"

BBT Lessons
Wake up at 5 a.m. and swing your arm at your bedside table until you find your basal thermometer. Stick the right end of it in your mouth, in the exact same position everyday, and try to stay awake for five minutes. As you begin to wake up, realize how badly you need to urinate and try to resist the urge without squirming too much. Mentally tell yourself, "Just relax, it'll work out" -- chances are you'll hear that a few times today. Try to read the thermometer in the dark while your spouse continues to sleep. When that fails, take it into the bathroom with you. Sit on the toilet and position yourself to either pee in a cup or on a stick. If you're really good, try to squirt a little out first. Give yourself extra points if you manage to do this routine without overfilling your cup or splashing a test window. While you wait, check your genitals for mucus. If you're lucky enough to find some, play with it! Look at it, feel it, stretch it. When you're done, pick up your scientific-looking form and chart your findings. Compute the data, and mutter to yourself, "You're probably just not trying hard enough" -- it won't be the last time you hear that today. If the calculations add up, go back into your bedroom and convince, cajole, and beg your spouse to have intercourse -- and all the while remember not "to let the spontaneity go out of your sex life." After you're done, prop your buttocks up so it's higher than the rest of your body and lay there for a half hour. Figure out exactly how you're going to stay in that position for so long and still have time to shower, dress and have breakfast before you have to leave the house at 6:15. Say aloud, "If you can't even manage to do this, how will you ever manage parenthood?" -- another comment you'll get at some point during the day. When you finally make it out the door, remind yourself that, "This is the easy part" -- you'll hear that later as well. Give yourself a pat on the back for not only completing 5 a.m. chemistry class, but for also getting yourself ready for pop quizzes in interpersonal communication!

The IVF Plunge!
The latest.... The greatest.... Come ride the spectacular new roller coaster, now open at an IVF clinic near you! Take...
THE IVF PLUNGE!
Thrills! Chills! Stabs! Jabs! Laughs! Screams!
What makes THE IVF PLUNGE so unique is that it is actually several rides in one! But not all riders will experience all the rides - automatic track switchers randomly select cars to go on any particular sequence. In addition, selection of a clinic also results in different protocols, behavior, treatment, cost and support. So THE IVF PLUNGE is never the same ride twice!
For more details, read on....
Some riders will experience thrills on the INSURANCE ride! Swinging you around, upside down and inside out, a brass ring of coverage will be tantalizingly close, only to be snatched away at the last minute! For those riders who manage to snatch the brass ring, a FREE RIDE on THE IVF PLUNGE is available! (provided they meet certain restrictions.) Riders who don't grab the brass ring get a consolation prize - a ride on the CASH attraction! Whether maxing out the credit cards, taking a second loan on the house, or sponging off of future grandparents, this is a ride that you will remember for the rest of your life as you struggle to pay off the debt!!
A new attraction for PCO sufferers has recently been added - called DAY ONE. This ride starts with the well-known classic DAY ONE - a big draw in the INFERTILITY group of attractions - and ratchets the anticipation UP!!! Will YOU meet the cut-off date??? Then of course there is the Day 3 FSH - do YOUR ovaries have what it takes?
The first part of the main ride is familiar to those who've been to the INFERTILITY attractions before - OPKs! But the intensity is GREATER - the highs are higher and the lows are lower and the kits are even HARDER to read!! But it all pays off as you move into....
MEDICATIONS! This is the most intense part of THE IVF PLUNGE, described by visitors as the ride from hell!! Whether your shots are sub-cutaneous or intramuscular, you won't want to miss the artificial menopause brought on by lupron, and don't forget THE HORRORMONES! You think you've done injectibles before? You think you're a pro? THINK AGAIN!! With HIGHER levels of injectibles, and DAILY monitoring, this is where the nightmare becomes reality! Then who can forget the terror of HYPERSTIMULATION, one of those random side trips! Another random side trip, POOR RESPONSE, has a chance of ending your ride early!!! Just another sense of anticipation! Can YOU make it through this part of the ride?
If so, it's on to RETRIEVAL AND TRANSFER. This ride is unique in that NO TWO PEOPLE EXPERIENCE THE SAME THING!! Some will sail through with arms raised, careening into the next sequence. Others will be shunted off due to poor egg or sperm quality, incomplete fertilization, or fragmented embryos! Your heart will be in your mouth as you await the phone call telling you how many embryos made it! And will you be sick with anticipation, or is that a reaction to the anesthesia???
Then the TWO WEEKS FROM HELL. Words cannot describe this phenomenon! With daily intramuscular shots of progesterone in oil, this is probably the most painful part of the ride! The highs and lows are even more intense, as you are surrounded by well-meaning but offensive friends and relatives saying "Well?" and otherwise telling you what you SHOULD have done. NOTHING you have experienced in the two week wait of prior cycles will prepare you for this!! You will laugh, cry, scream - all at the same time! You will feel suspended in time as you wait for.....
THE TEST. The most anticipated part of the ride!!! Some random number (depending on clinic stats) will PASS!! Those lucky riders will go on to the PREGNANCY ride, a swirling maelstrom of emotions, changes, and risks! Those who receive a negative beta-HCG are not left out though. They will descend a huge drop of what will seem like ten miles in about 10 seconds!! The misery and tears will be just the beginning, as pregnant women and women with babies and adorable toddlers will be EVERYWHERE! But never fear, because for only thousands of dollars you can once again -
Take THE IVF PLUNGE!!!

80-year-old Sperm Sample
An 80-year-old couple went to the doctor to find out if it was too late for them to have kids. The doctor told them that it would be best if the husband gave a sperm sample, as he could then check his count and see if it was possible for him to father a child.
He gave them a jar and sent them into a side room to get a sample. After much groaning and grunting and even a little screaming the couple came and gave the jar back to the doctor. On checking the doctor found it to be empty and asked the couple to explain.
Well, said the old man, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with my right hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but no matter how we tried we couldnt get the lid off the jar.

The 12 Days of Christmas (for the infertile)
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to mea sperm sample to spin and clean
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me 2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me 3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubs and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me 7 lectures about timing6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 8 reasons for not quitting7 lectures about timing6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me9 new immune tests8 reasons for not quitting7 lectures about timing6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me10 excuses for dreaming9 new immune tests8 reasons for not quitting7 lectures about timing6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me11 mild cramps10 excuses for dreaming9 new immune tests8 reasons for not quitting7 lectures about timing6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 12 HPTs11 mild cramps10 excuses for dreaming9 new immune tests8 reasons for not quitting7 lectures about timing6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned

Labor pains
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. The husband was a little worried about this, but wanted to help out so he agreed.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, telling the husband that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he had experienced ever before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine. The doctor looked a little bewildered and adjusted the machine to give the father 20 percent of the pain. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and heart rate and all seemed perfect. They decided to transfer 50 percent of the pain to the father.
The husband continued doing well and started making wisecracks about how women complain so much about labor and it really wasn't a big deal. In fact, he was willing to take all the pain! The doctor turned the switch to 100 percent. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and she and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their doorstep!

The Gift of Life
A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert when their camel keeled over dead. They prayed a lot, but after several days they gave up hope of being rescued. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've been curious about -- what a woman looks like naked. Would you take off your clothes?" The nun thought about it for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With a little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, Sister, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well, for Lord's sake, Father, stick it in the damn camel and let's get out of here!"

"BBT Lessons" and "The 12 Days of Christmas (for the infertile)"Copyright © 1996, 1997 Rebecca Smith Waddell"The IVF Plunge" Copyright © 1997 Laura W. MitchellAll rights reserved. The text from this page may be distributedas long as copyright is attached and the use is not for profit.http://www.fertilethoughts.net/faq/humor/ihumor.htmlLast revision: January 10, 1997

My 100th blog entry

2007-01-16T15:51:00.000-06:00

As if thats something to commemorate. lol. On to my lovely weekend.
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Friday I spent the evening at my sister's house visiting her, my mom and my nephew Jacob. He's starting to talk and its so cute. He wants to talk so much, he jibber jabbers then a couple of real words come out like "cars" "colors" "tractor" "vroooom" Its the funniest thing to listen to.

Saturday evening we had my parents over for coffee & cookies. Well it was more like hot cocoa and cookies since the only one that drank coffee was my dad. They didn't leave till after 1:00am. We talked & visited and really had a good time. My mom was really interested in what the procedure (IUI) was like. It made me feel good that she actually was taking time and initiative to learn about what I was going through, physically & emotionally. She had so many questions, it was nice to know she was wanting to learn all about what we were doing.

Sunday we did something we haven't done in at least a year, almost 2. We got up early and went to church. Richard has been avoiding church for some time now, and I had been too. But then I started going by myself, but that didn't last long. I stopped going because I felt very alone in church, even though the church was filled with people around me. I still felt alone. Seeing the babies all dressed up in their "Sunday best" hurt me, the church hymns tugged so hard at my heart, and I need a shoulder to lean on. Not having Richard by my side, made me quit going. I couldn't do it alone, it was way to hard. But this Sunday was a new beginning for us. We went, sat no where near anyone with children, and we really listened and ended up enjoying mass. After church was over, we went to the cemetary and visited Erik. We were so uplifted from our church experience, and just topped it off with a peaceful quiet afternoon visit at the cemetary. I got to tell Erik how I truely felt about this IUI. And that his short but meaningful life will forever be remembered and treasured. His memory is a huge part of us now that I would never try to have another baby to take his place in my heart. I know that the hole in my heart will be filled one day when we are all reunited in Heaven. And I'm ok with that.

Monday my work was closed for MLK day, but Richard had to work. However he did come home to enjoy a nice gourmet lunch with me. Frozen Tortino's pizza. Yum.
It was nice being off work, it would have been nice to have the hubby home with me, but I made good use of my time and got to stay in my jammies and catch up on some house work.

Today is ONE week past my IUI. I can't believe that we still have 10 days till we find out if it worked or not. So far I can't say how I really feel. Maybe its just me noticing every little twinge & pain. But I've had some light twinges of pain in my right side, and I've had sore breasts for 2 days. Coincidence? Or AF symptoms??? I don't know. Drives me crazy how AF & Pregnancy symptoms have to be so dang similar. Oh well.. I guess that's how the "normal" 2ww goes.

2 days past IUI

2007-01-11T13:58:00.000-06:00

Physically, I've been feeling kinda yucky lately. I've been nauseas, episodes of cramping, and feeling very bloated. I know its way to early for there to be any kind of preg. symptoms going on, but it seems like I didn't feel this way before the IUI... Maybe coincidence. Or maybe its just me coming down from my nerves. I dunno.

Spiritually I'm doing well. I'm really in a good place right now. For a while I was unsure if I really wanted to an IUI. Being Catholic, and knowing the church's views are on ART... I was hesitant. After much soul-seeking, praying, and religous advice, I accepted and went forward with it. Now that its done, I have no regrets and I'm really glad we did it. Even if it doesn't work, I still will not allow myself to have any regrets.

Emotionally. I'm ok. I'm just really looking forward to finding out if this worked. If this did/does work we'd be due Oct. 7th. That's 7 days before Erik's EDD, and I'm ok with that. Holding our baby(ies) in our arms would be the ultimate ending to such a long & rough journey we've had.

IUI

2007-01-10T08:27:00.000-06:00

Monday night I didn't sleep. My mind was so preoccupied with the thought of how this IUI was gonna be like, what's it gonna feel like, is it gonna hurt, but more importantly is it gonna work... I'd close my eyes and picture myself in the cold room, with my feet up in the stir-ups, legs draped with the pink paper sheet to preserve what little modesty I should have, but after 3 yrs of poking & proding, I don't have. I'd picture my sonographer Linda, standing at one side, and my husband at my other side... She has such a sweet calming voice, I really do like her. I wonder if the trigger shot really made me ovulate 7 eggs... Is she gonna be able to see my ovaries to tell me how many I ovulated... Is it possible even this far for this cycle for it to be cancelled if something isn't right... I wonder what my progesterone level is, I hope its high enough to do this IUI. I hope we don't have to do a 2nd IUI Wednesday... Thoughts just spinning in my mind, questions no one had answers for yet... I was nervous, but still so excited...

Tuesday morning we woke up extra early. Richard smacked the alarm, like he normally does, but remembered and blurted out, "Hey, today's the day!"
Yea. Like I forgot.
We got up, my eyes had 10 gallon bags under them, and we left out a little early just in case we ran into traffic. We got there to my RE's office. By that time, I was awake, ready with knots in my stomache. There's a line in the movie, "Riding in Cars with Boys" staring Drew Berry.more that says, "I knew when she was nervous, because she'd put on way to much make-up. It was like her war-paint she applied before the war." We'll that's me. By the time we got to the RE's office I looked Red Carpet ready. I turned for approval and asked Richard how I looked, and his responce was "Beautiful as usual." He's to sweet. Hell, he was probably thinking "like a 2 dollar whore" but I don't care. I looked Gooood. In the elevater he gazed into my eyes and told me how excited he was that today was the day we could become a family. I fought the tears back, as he held me & sealed it with a kiss. I was called in pretty fast and they took my blood. After that we were sent up 2 more floors so Richard could "give his contribution." This time, he went prepared. The last time he had to do that was in Oct. the morning before my surgery, and that's when we found out that the office wasn't equiped with any kind of visual aids. So this time, we made a special trip to the fun shop to get him a video. He loaded up his Ipod with the video, and I wished him luck, reminded him not to spill, and let him go. Last time I went in to "help" but ended up just making him nervous. So this time he was on his own. I sat in the waiting room and read a Sept.2006 magazine. Once the deed was done, we went for breakfast at the Kolache Factory (which I don't care for) and I began to try to drink the 64 oz. of water. I got about 1/2 way done and it was time to go back for the IUI.
Linda came in and started to do an ultrasound on top of my belly so see if my bladder was full. It wasn't. So I continued to drink water. After the 3rd cup she checked again and still, my bladder wasn't full. My belly was full, but not my bladder. So, Maryanne came in saying she could do the IUI without a full bladder, she had been taught to do it with an empty bladder unlike the other doctors. So we started. First the septum "duckie" was inserted, I hate that thing. It seems like it has to be really cold going in. UGH. Then she fed the cathetor up, it was a little uncomfortable and made me cramp. She asked if we were ready, and in they went. It was amazing! I didn't know what to expect to see, but it looked like a puff of white smoke the wiggly white lights scattering everywhere. Wow, was the only thing that fell out of my mouth. I'm so glad Richard was there to see that. Once it was over, she tilted the bed so my head would be down & hips up. Basically upside down. I have to say, that brought back memories of being in the hospital the week before I lost my baby Erik. They had me lay in that "lumbarder" position for so many days, the blood had been up in my head for so long that I had busted blood vessels in my eyes and a constant bloody nose. Yesterday I had to lay there for 10-15 minutes, so that was easy! During that time Richard held me and told me how proud he was of me, and how grateful he was that I'd do all this for us. Once it was all over, he took me home and went to work. RE said I could go back to normal activity, but Richard put me on bedrest. So I laid around all day, napped with I could, and watched daytime television. I'm glad I took the day off. I caught up on my sleep and it gave me a chance to really relax and allow myself to be nice to my body. For these next two weeks, I'm gonna work really hard to treat my body as if I was pregnant. I need to start drinking more water, and stop drinking so many drinks with artificial sweetners.

So today, I'm back at work. So far I feel fine. I did have some light cramping this morning but nothing to bad.

Jan. 26 is Test day. I haven't decided if I want to test before, like I normally do, or this time wait... I still have some time to think about it. So we'll see how that goes.

Whoa, this is all going so fast!

2007-01-08T14:00:00.000-06:00

*******update*******
Lab work came back that my Estragen level is 1,218.
Don't really know what that means, but she said it's good.
And RE is gonna have me do 10,000iu of Novrell (trigger) injection. I guess we're going for the GOLD!

This morning I went in for routine bloodowork, and had an ultrasound to find out how my follicles are progressing. I didn't expect much, normally my first ultrasound goes by and I have do a couple more days of shots before the trigger... Well this morning I was very proud of my ovaries. I have 11 growing follicles, and 7 GOOD mature follicles!!! SEVEN! I couldn't believe my eyes! Since I have so many potential eggs, the RN suggested that we only trigger 5,000iu of HCG, instead of the normal 10,000iu HCG. She said that'll hopefully only pop 1/2 of the follicles so I'll only ovulate 3-4 eggs instead of all 7. She's gonna talk to my RE about it, and see what she thinks... So I've gotta wait on a call back for the trigger plan.

Right Ovary:
19.36
17.65
15.92
14.49
14.02
13.65

Left Ovary:
15.40
14.48
14.67
11.36
12.65

So, for the Plan of Action.

P.O.A
Today 1/8/07: Start Estrace 2mg, and tonight I TRIGGER!
1/9/07 7:00am: bloodwork for me, and Richard's got to give his sample
1/9/07 9:00am: Drink 64oz. of fluid, then we do the IUI YAY!
1/10/07: Possibly go back for a 2nd IUI if 1/9/07's bloodwork shows progesterone is low.
1/13/07: Start progesterone 400mg vag. suppositories
1/16/07: Mini Dose injection of HCG
1/19/07: Go in for bloodwork to check on progesterone
1/20/07 Mini Dose injection of HCG
1/22/07 Consultation w/RE
1/26/07 Pregnancy Test

I am so very excited. I have high hopes, and I hope that's a good thing. I wouldn't be attempting something so radical if I didn't believe it would work. I really am so excited, I'm nervous too, but more excited than nervous.
Enough rambling. I'll update once I hear back from my RE.

Shot 3

2007-01-05T09:06:00.000-06:00

Yesterday the shot went much better. I set it out a little longer and it went much better than the shot before.

This morning I went in to my RE's office for bloodwork. She's checking my estrogen level, she said that if my # is good then I'll keep the same dose for the shots. If its high or to low, then she'll have me come in tomorrow for an ultrasound & bloodwork to change my dose. We'll see how that goes. I'll update this post once I get a call back.

TGIF!

Shot 2

2007-01-04T12:51:00.000-06:00

I think I'm getting the hang of the pen. But I think I've gotta allow more time for the med to warm up to room temp. Yesterday I injected the medicine and it was still a little cold and it hurt going in... Oh well.. I'm learnin.

Follistim Shot #1

2007-01-03T13:35:00.000-06:00

Yesterday when I got home from work, I watched the instructional dvd on how to work the Foll.istim pen. For the most part, it was pretty easy. I loaded the pen, and followed along with the video. I think after a few more injections I'll get used to it, but for now I really like that I don't have to mix the drugs myself, its already done. It normally takes me about 5-7 minutes to prep my Gonal-F inj. but doing the Follistim inj. it was super fast, and not to painful. So yesterday's shot #1 went well.

Friday morning I have to go in for routine blood work to check on my other hormones to see how we're doing. Hopefully all is well, guess we'll have to wait & see.

Friday I'll try to post a better Plan Of Action. But for now its...

P.O.A
12/31/06 AF arrived. CD1
1/2-1/4 Start injections of Follistim Pen 150IU
1/5 RE appt for blood work 6:45am

Flash from the past. TTC journey.

2007-01-02T12:46:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year. I hope everyone had a fun & safe holiday.

Here's a flash from my past TTC journey.

Sept. 1, 2001 I married my bestfriend, and our life together began.
Sept. 11, 2001 Our first day back from our Honeymoon the tragedy of 9/11 struck.
Dec. 31, 2003 We bought our house
Jan. 1, 2004 was the beginning of our chapter of TTC, and we became pregnant.
Mar. 3, 2004 Our hearts were shattered, I miscarried our baby and had a D&C
May 2004 We became pregnant again.
July 3, 2004 Our nightmare repeated itself, I miscarried our baby (naturally)
Aug. 2004 My sister annouced she was preg.
Sept. 2004 I began seeing my RE & was diagnosed w/MTHFR
Oct. 16, 2004 I had a hysteroscopy to remove uterine fibroid (contributing factor to m/c's)
Nov. 2004 Failed "Clomid Challange"
Dec. 2004 Failed Gonal-F injection Cycle
Jan. 31, 2005 Day of my sister's baby shower, RE called to tell me we're pregnant.
Mar. 3, 2005 1 yr anniv. from the day we miscarried our first baby.
Mar. 16, 2005 My sister had her baby boy, Jacob Jude.
May 16, 2005 Admitted to hospital for premature dialation, resulting in uterine infection
May 25, 2005 (Mom's b-day) Cerclage was placed to try to save our baby.
May 27, 2005 I was induced, the infection in my uterus became life threating to me. I gave birth to our son Erik Michael and he died in our arms.
May 29, 2005 I was released from the hospital.
June 1, 2005 (Brother's b-day) Our little Erik was laid to rest. Wearing an outfit my MIL made for him, and swaddled in a blanket my mom made for him.
July 3, 2005 Jacob was baptized, I cried as the priest resited the same words he said to baptize my son 2 month earlier. Also it was the 1 yr anniv. for my 2nd baby I miscarried.
Oct. 16, 2005 Erik's EDD, I spent the day with my grandma at church
Feb. 20, 2006 Started attending Wee Care Support Group meetings to help me cope with my losses.
Mar. 16, 2006 Sister's baby Jacob turned 1 yr old.
Apr. 10, 2006 Started seeing my RE again to get back to ttc.
May 14-21 We spent a week in Disneyworld Resort-Our early anniversary trip
May 27, 2006 We did a balloon release at the cemetary for Erik's 1 yr birth day.
June 1, 2006 I got my memorial tattoo, 1 yr anniv. of my baby Erik's funeral/burial.
June 26, 2006 I started Blog.ging
July 2006 Failed Gonal-F cycle
Sept 1, 2006 We celebrated our 5 yr wedding anniversary.
Sept 11, 2006 My sister announces she's pregnant, again.
Sept 26, 2006 Failed Gonal-F cycle
Oct. 16, 2006 Erik's EDD.
Oct. 20, 2006 Had another Hysteroscopy, and a Laproscopy (tubes were blocked, but were successfully opened.)
Oct. 25, 2006 Richard had a S/A and got an A++
Dec. 27, 2006 RE ok'd cyst was small enough to start new cycle of injections for an IUI
Jan. 1, 2007 3 Yr anniversary of TTC baby #1
Jan. 2, 2007 Day 1 of Follistim shots.

I'm hoping this year is the year we can have a successful pregnancy. There's nothing more we could wish for in this year than to hold our baby in our arms. Our faith will have to pull us through.

Happy Holidays.

2006-12-27T11:08:00.000-06:00

Ok, before I tell ya about my Christmas, I have GREAT NEWS! Last Monday at my support group meeting my friend Velma, bless her heart, she got pregnant & miscarried a 16 wks. Well, she told me she had something for me in her car, so after the meeting I followed her out and she gave me 2 boxes of Follistim, unopened, refrigerated, unused boxes. She said that the drugs were left over from the study she quilified for, and she wanted me to have them since she was not gonna be ttc for a while. So I graciously took it. Velma & I coincidently have the same RE. So this morning I went in for a baseline ultrasound, and I took the drugs with me. I wasn't sure that my RE was gonna approve, but it was "worth a shot." Well after the u/s I was told that the cyst had shrunk down to a 14mm. We really need it to be <10mm. So I'll have to be on BCP for 2 more days. After that, I'll hopefully have a visit from AF within 5 days and on Cycle Day 3 I can start Follistim! WOO HOOO! I'm so excitied! My RE gave me a new pen & a DVD to show me how to "dial up" the correct dosage, but she said the drugs were good as long as they stayed refrigerated. I was so excited. She told me that I was so lucky to have these drugs just given to me. I did offer to pay Velma for them, but she refused to take my money since the drugs were given to her for free from the study. My goodness, if this cycle is THE ONE, my baby's middle name is gonna have to be Velma as the biggest Thanks I could ever give. But if its a boy... We'll have to rethink that. "Velma" doesn't sound to masculine. LOL, I guess we'll get there when we get there.

So Christmas Eve we spent it at my parents house. My family was all together so of course we had a good time. I made dinner, and my mom and sister made desserts. We all ate, then opened gifts. Then my brothers opened a bottle of Tequila. Between the 3 of us, we put away a bottle of Sauza Hornitos Tequila. We did shots, so the bottle didn't last long. Then they wanted to start a new bottle of Crown, which I found out on Christmas that they started & finished around 5:00am. Bad, bad, bad. I didn't stick around for that. We left around 11pm to my sister in laws, and we played "Deal. or No Deal" on her tv. It was fun, especially with a little alcohol to make me brave, lol. We spent the night there, then had Christmas breakfast the next morning with my in-laws. It was good. We opened gifts there, then we hung out a little while then went home. Once we got home, we were exhausted. But not to tired to open our gifts. So we sat on the floor next to the tree and gave each other gifts. By gift #3 I was in tears. Everything that I got Richard was wrong. He already had the CD that I gave him (he has over 600 cds, how was I suppose to know he had that one? Guh.) The radio walkman he wanted didn't have an AM setting, it just had FM. He really wanted to listen to Sports Radio on the AM setting, and I didn't even notice when I bought it, it didn't have it. Ok. Then the beard trimmer thing I got him, his mom gave him the exact same one... CRAP! I couldn't help but to cry. Now I feel stupid for crying about it, but at the time I think it was just emotional moment for me. Richard felt so bad, that I felt so bad about it... He tried to cheer me up, and told me I wasn't allowed to open any gifts till my "tears were tucked away." So I put them away and tried to enjoy the rest of the day. After we opened them, we cleaned up then went to visit my little Erik. When we got to the cemetary, he had all kinds of new Christmas "gifts." He had a stuffed brown puppy wearing a red scarf, pointsettas, a green bow on his marker, and some snowman & present picks. It was so CUTE. I loved it. We took him some fresh gerber daisies, a new green & silver pinwheel, and a christmas statue of a little boy knealing before the cross. (I took a few pics I might post later.) Richard was sick w/fever & feeling achey, it was so cold and the ground was really wet so we didn't stay very long. We were there maybe 15 minutes. This Christmas was so much easier on our hearts, it was still hard at times, but over all it was a lot better than last years.

I, like many others, hope that this Christmas is the last one we have with out a baby in our arms.

So from mine to yours.
Merry Christmas.

BIRTHDAY WEEKEND

2006-12-18T13:03:00.000-06:00

Friday I took the day off...because.... It was my BIRTHDAY!
I turned the big 2-6. I took the day off work and went and got pampered. I got a massage, mani/pedi, eye brows waxed and hair cut. I walked out of the spa feeling like a new woman! I can't believe I got a short hair cut, but its growin on me. It sits on top of my shoulders so its not THAT short, Richard likes it... So that's a good thing. That evening he took me out to dinner at my favorite resteraunt, Joe's Crab Shack, and I had the BIGGEST plate of king crab ever. I ate crab like there was no tomorrow. I absolutely LOVE crab.

Saturday was my parent's 28th wedding anniversary. We gave them reservations to stay a night in a snazy hotel in Galveston in a room over looking the Gulf. And my sister & brothers gave them dinner reservations out on a steam boat tour. Sunday they came back with beautiful pictures and stories to tell. We got together for dinner Sunday evening to give them their gift, and they LOVED IT. When they saw the pictures, tears welled up in my daddy's eyes. It was so sweet. We told them how we all had such a great time together for lunch and at the Galleria how the guys were misbehaving and it was like we were all kids again, enjoying ourselves. It really was probably the least expensive gift we've ever given to them, but seeing the looks on their faces, said it all. It really meant the a lot to them. We had so many great pics from that afternoon, we made my mom a "brag book" and we filled it up with all the rest of the pictures.

This morning my husband woke up and said, "Its Sunday, right??" I hate it when that happens. This weekend flew by so fast, we needed one more day to sleep in. We just had a really busy weekend. In between times were spent last minute Christmas shopping, and cleaning... I'm tired. But I have to say, my hair looks GREAT! lol.

Our Pics

2006-12-14T08:49:00.000-06:00

Here are the pics from this weekend. My siblings and I got together to take these pics as a little surprise for my parents anniversary. We're having one blown up & framed for them, and we're giving it to them this weekend. I know my mom's gonna cry. These are the first pictures we've taken together in over 15 years. Just two months ago my family was reunited for the first time, and now we're never letting go of each other. So here they are. Enjoy!

Me & Christy

Steve, Jennie, Christy, Eddie

Jennie, Steve, Christy, Eddie

weekend

2006-12-11T11:29:00.000-06:00

Yesterday my brothers and my sister and I got together at the Galleria Mall in Houston to take pictures. My parent's 28th wedding anniversary is this coming Saturday (the day after my 26th Birthday) and we secretly planned this little get together to take some pictures. It went well, for the most part. Yesterday was the first time ever that all of us kids got together without my parents. My friend Amanda has this badas$ professional photographer-lookin camera, and offered to take some shots of us. She's gonna put them on a CD, and my sis and I are gonna choose the best one, have it blown up, and go in together and have it matted & framed as a gift to my parents. The last picture my siblings and I took together was for swim team and I was 8 years old. Both my brothers have been gone for a number of years (which I won't go in to) but now our family is back together for the first time in over 15 years. So I know this picture is gonna mean a lot to my parents. I can't wait to see it finished & framed.

The down part of the day was my sister, being pregnant, and completely over doing the "ah, I gotta go pee again. Lucas is sitting on my bladder" every 15 minutes. Then my brother's wife asked if she's gonna breastfeed this baby too, if it hurts, BLAH BLAH BLAHHHH. Everyone joined in the conversation and the only way to keep myself from falling apart was to excuse myself, and walk away. Before I left I asked her to please change the subject. That didn't work. Then I looked my sister dead-straight in the eye, and asked a second time this time a little more stern. PLEASE CHANGE the SUBJECT. Didn't work... She went into all kinds of graphic details of what it felt like for her milk to come in, the terrible sensation of dry nipples.... I just couldn't take anymore. So I walked away. I know I didn't get to nurse my child, but I do know what its like to get my milk in. And nothing is worse to have lost your baby, then have a painful reminder like breast milk, something so nurishing to a baby, let go to waste. Then binding my breasts as tightly as I could, so I'd dry up. Stuffing cabbage leaves in my bra, since old-wives tale says that works... Stepping out of the shower and dripping milk... It was tourture. How cruel could my body be to me? My body knew I had my baby, but it didn't know I lost him and didn't need breastmilk... Yes, after a year and 7 months. It still hurts.

I want to tell my sister how I felt yesterday, but I don't know that I can. She's never suffered a loss, so how can I expect her to understand? She knows how hard this pregnancy is on us, and for the most part we've been TRYING to be ok with everything. But I nearly lost it in the mall yesterday. I bit my lip, sucked up the tears, and refused to let her make me cry. Its been a long time since I've felt that helpless, and defeated. Why couldn't she just change the subject? Why is she so insensitive at times? Doesn't she know that the holiday blues on top of baby blues only makes things worse? Maybe I'm wrong for expecting her to think outside her little innocent box... Perhaps she can't see past her "rosey shades" (which she shouldn't have to) to see that life is not peachy all the time for everyone.

Anyhow... After I got home Richard held me, and let me vent some. Together we went to the cemetary, decorated Erik's place for Christmas, and that was so stress relieving. I am so thankful that I at least have a place to let go of my pain, and feel close to my baby. When I leave from there (it never fails) I always leave with peace and contentment. Its such a precious gift, it has to be from God. There's no way to explain it, its just beautiful. Its an even sweeter feeling when I see holiday decorations there, that we didn't put there. It reminds me that my precious little one is loved, and being remembered by others. Definatly another proud mommy moment for me.

worrying isn't gonna fix anything

2006-12-07T14:30:00.000-06:00

it'll only stress me out even more.

Yesterday, I was a mess. A complete emotional disaster. I wallowed in my own self pity all day yesterday and this morning out of no where came this feeling of "everything is gonna be ok." I don't know where this came from, or why? I guess I'm not gonna question it, just enjoy it, and be thankful for another day. Last night I came to the realization that, I got delt a crappy hand, and crying about it wasn't gonna change anything. I can only try to see the good in what I've got, and be thankful that I'm not dealing with anything worse than what I already have. Birth Control isn't all that bad, its just temporary until we fix the ovary issue. I have a great RE, she knows what she's doing, and I am grateful to be under such a close watch. I also thank God that my husband and I have the great relationship we do, and have the finances to fund this on going dream. Its hard to see that the day bad news smacks ya, but I see it now. And I'm ready for the challange.

So, today after work my sister and I have a "date." We're gonna meet up at the spa, and get some MUCH needed pampering. I can't wait! We're getting mani/pedies, brows waxed and our hair cut. We've never gone together, so I'm sure we're gonna have a good time.

Hope all is well with everyone...

I can't believe I watched another

2006-12-06T14:37:00.000-06:00

year pass by. All the while I'm still left with the thought that I might never be a mother to a living child.

As you probably guessed it, this morning's appointment didn't go well... I went in for my baseline ultrasound and my left ovary was clear, but my right ovary has a 40.5mm cyst in it (which is 1.58 inches)... So, unfortunatly I won't be able to do one last try I wanted to do this year... Which means we're out of running for a Christmas miracle... I'm upset. Hurt.. Disappointed.. And just let down, right now. I really was hopeful this month. I was so excited about doing the IUI & I was already hopeful that this would be the month for a miracle... Guess this year just wasn't my year for a baby. $&%# ! !
I hate infertility.. As if ya didn't already know that..

So. The the next step is birth control. Ironic, I know... I have to take it for 3 weeks, to try to shrink the cyst. So that puts me at 12/27 for my next appointment. Hopefully by then the cyst will be reabsorbed or at least small enough to get the ok to start injectables. The nurse told me to "look at the bright side, at least you know you can have a couple of drinks" for my birthday & Christmas. Like that's some consolation to being completely incapable of conceiving since I'm on, ahem... BIRTH CONTOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now THAT's something to drink to. Let's friggin celebrate!! Pass me a lime & double vodka why don'cha! UGHHH I'm so upset.

I hate to be the "bad news bear", so I'm gonna go now before the water works begin.
F*** infertility, F*** IT!

CD????????? ONE!!!!!

2006-12-04T10:04:00.000-06:00

GIRLS, EXCITING NEWS!!!
I woke up this morning with a pleasant little surprise.... in my undies.
I STARTED! LOL, WOOOO HOOOO. ***doing my insanely funny but embarrassing happy dance*** Cycle Day ONE BABY, uh huh!! uh huh!!! OH YEAHHHH!!!!
I couldn't be more excited to see that AF came to visit. B!tch was late enough, but nonetheless "she's " here now and that's all that matters. Today would've CD67... Man... I guess the Prometrium did its job. I'm stoked! I called my RE, now I'm waiting on her to return my call to schedule baseline u/s & bloodwork, I'll update later.

IUI, HERE WE COME!!!! FULL SPEED AHEAD!

***** Update*****

Re called back. I have a baseline bloodwork & u/s scheduled for this Wednesday 7:15 am.
And I can discontinue Prometium pills, YAY!!!! So now, we start praying that my ovaries are clear, no cysts, so we can get started on injections.

"tars in da ky"

2006-12-01T13:14:00.000-06:00

Earlier this week my sister showed my nephew (Jacob 20mth old) the stars. She told him that God made the sky and the stars... She told him that his cousin Erik is up there in heaven, and he is the brightest star in the sky, as she pointed towards the sky. Well. Last night she asked Jacob, just to see if he was listening, and if he remembered what they had talked about. She asked him, "Jacob, where is Erik?" And he told her, in his own little words, "tars in da ky" as he pointed up. Apparently he was listening. When my sister told me this, I had to fight back the tears. Happy Tears, that is. I was so happy to know that my baby is being talked about, loved and remembered. Its heartwarming. And it was a very proud mommy moment for me. I don't get many proud mommy moments, but when I do it stays with me for a long time.

Well, my sister told me they named their baby. His name is going to be, Lucas Levy(pronounced Levi) and her Dr. said Lucas already weighs 7 ounces. She said they chose the names because they're both biblical names, and since her other son's first & middle name start w/the same letter (Jacob Jude), they thought they'd keep that going.

(Im)patiently Waiting My Turn

Jenna/Adventures In Waiting

The End. and lots of pics.

1st Christmas Pictures

Pictures: Baby showers, Halloween, Thanksgiving & Christmas

Update 11/20/07

GI

PooPoo & FooFoo baby shower

6wk Postpartum

5th week

My Picture Perfect Birth Story

Pediatric Neurologist appt

Oct. 3rd

Unloading about Post-op & BF'ing

2 Week Check-up & pics

Week 1

We're Home! (Baby Pics)

Happy Birth Day!

This is it.

Our 6th year Wedding Anniversary

NEW Birth Date

Last ultrasound pic

The 2ww

Ultrasound

33wks.

32wks

31st week - Baby's Name

Long update-MRI results

MRI & ultrasound 4/19

3D ultrasound

3rd trimester: Nesting vs. Anxiety

3 hr GTT

GTT & MRI

little rewards

(Mild) Ventriculomegaly???

26 Weeks Deep

Not so Luck.y Charms

Clothes, clothes and more clothes

Father's Day - Boot Camp

Project: Bed Rest

Ob appt - 24wk 1 day

Kick baby, Kick!

Project: Bed Rest

Thank You Anonymous Poster

Velamentous Insertion of Umbilical Cord

Ultrasound - 7 Pics

fishy thoughts

Erik's B-day & My Dr. appt

hour before Erik's 2nd birthday

20 wks 6 days - 6th week of bed rest

It's SO good to be back.

Ultrasound # 5 4/2/07

Easter 2007

Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr. Appt.

funny but gross

Monday

VENTING - NOT pregnancy related

what a day we had yesterday

Can't find a heartbeat **** UPDATE ****

Post-Op appt

Doppler

4 days Post-Op

Surgery went well

nervous about the cerclage sugery

a lot on my mind.

Its been a week since I've posted and..

Spilling my thoughts & Ash Wednesday

Really struggling with this.. Did we do the right thing?

Valentine & Ultrasound 2

Guns & Valentine's Day, don't mix

No Ketones

Ultrasound

another relaxing weekend

OMG

4th quantative hcg

my thoughts

long weekend of waiting

Not Good News... Prayers Needed

2nd quantative hcg

hmmm, I really am pregnant...

Can't find a heartbeat UPDATE