Oh boy.

November 30th. Guess that means no visit from AF this month... CD63

Yesterday my sister found out, she's having a boy. Another boy, I should say. She's due in April, and both her and the baby doing well. **sigh** Good for her... I know that sounds bad.... Its just that Richard and I are having a really hard time seeing her progress with another pregnancy... Its nothing against the baby, its just... well.. ya know. I don't gotta explain, I'm sure yall understand. Infertility has so many ugly effects.

On a brighter note.

Weight watcher update. Tuesday evening I weighed in and lost
**********droll roll please************
2.8 lbs Thanksgiving weekend. YAAAAY! Total I've lost 5.2 lbs, and got my first 5 lb *Star* book mark. Hopefully there will be more celebrations to come, whether its with my weight, or my baby wait.

Cocktail of drugs

Here's a schedule I've worked out for the meds I'm on...

3 hrs before Breakfast-
Prometrium

Breakfast-
Foltabs
Halfprin
Prenatal-U

Lunch-
no pills, wooo hooo

Dinner-
Foltabs
2 pills of Metformin

3 hrs after Dinner-
Prometrium

Now if I can remember to take them all at the right time, I'll be in good shape.

Tueday

CD60, 6:45 yesterday morning I went in for bloodwork. RE confirmed, I'm not pregnant. I wasn't really surprised, cause we didn't think we were anyway. Bad part is, I didn't ovulate. Progesterone was low, crappola! So she Rx'ed me 200mg of Prometrium twice a day on an empty stomach. All my other meds have to be taken w/food, so now I have to carry around pills so I can work them all into some sort of schedule... Anyhow. Prometrium is "micronized progesterone" and is suppose to start my period. I have to take it for 10 days or until I start my period. The side effects listed seem horrible, and I'm trying not to think about them to much and just keep my focus on the positives, I'm just scared. Its like when someone starts talking about head lice, and all of a sudden your head starts itching just thinking about it... Its kinda like that, **as I scratch my head.** So far I feel ok... Last night I got a dizzy spell, but I was already in bed so I was ok. Like I said, I really just gotta stop worrying about what COULD happen so I'm not freakin myself out.

So we had a great Thanksgiving. And an really great Black Friday. I got all my Christmas shopping done. Now we just have to get our christmas tree so I can start wrapping. Which is my favorite part. My mom, sis and I all went shopping together and it was so much fun. We were good girls and didn't snatch anything away from anyone this year (kudos to us) and we didn't have to steal anything from anyone's shopping baskets... Except for a couple of movies, but that doesn't count. We had to. There weren't any more of those movies left that we..um.. borrowed, then decided to buy. But Really, it was so worth getting up early for. Oh! Ohhh! I saw two guys duke-ing it out for a Playstation 3, security kicked both men out of the store and NEITHER one of them got to buy it. It was great!

I can't believe this month is already gone... Geez. Where does the time go?! I guess we'll be doing a December IUI. If I get my visit from AF soon, I should be doing my my IUI around my birthday (December 15th) When I blow out the 26 candles, I guess we all know what my wish will be, probably the same as all you guy's birthday wishes.

Thanxgivin' Eve

Since AF hasn't shown up, am I getting a little tired of waiting & worrying, I called my RE. She told me to come in Monday morning at 6:45am for blood work. She's gonna do a pregnancy test & progesterone count. Today is CD55, and Monday will make it CD60. She's doing both tests to:
1. Check to see if we're pregnant (which I am 99% sure we aren't)
2. See what my progesterone level is "JUST IN CASE" we are pregnant.
3. If we're NOT pregnant she'll know by my progest. level if I ovulated.
4. If my progesterone number is elevated we'll know that Metformin is working and helping me O, without injections.
If we aren't pregnant, she's gonna Rx me Prometrium to induce a period. If we are pregnant... I can't even think of what that would be like.... But I really don't think we are. This is WHY.
Sept 29th CD1
Oct. 19th CBC pre-op pregnancy test came back negitive
Oct 20th I had the 2 surgeries
Abstained until Nov. 5th (CD39)
And here we are CD55, with no sign of AF. Oh well, I guess we'll see what's going on Monday. Till then we're just gonna have to sit tight, and try to have a good Thanksgiving holiday.

Speaking of, I SOOOO can't wait till Black Friday. My mom, sis & I are all going shopping, its tradition. We go every year and fight the crowds, I love it. We're the ones that they show on the news, jumping over baby stollers, stealing stuff from unattended shopping baskets (un-paid for items in the store, that is), and running through the aisles towards the hot items and grabbing 4 or 5 of everything. Its so SOoo SOOOooo much fun. Now THAT is the way to start the holiday season. Getting up at 3:30am, and getting to the stores by 4 to get in line for opening at 5. Yes, its insane, I know. But its way to much fun to not join in. We're normally done shopping by noon. Hopefully we do well.

I better wrap this up. So from mine to yours, Have a Happy & Safe Thanksgiving.

God Bless.

Monday again

So much has happened this past week... Where do I start?!

First of all, AF still isn't here. Its CD53, and I'm STILL (im)patiently waiting. I think I'm gonna call my RE. She told me to give it 2 wks from my post-op appt, and if I didn't get my period to call it in. I'm thinking this means birth control... Fingers crossed it doesn't.

Last Monday my support group Wee Care had our 9th Annual Remeberance Ceremony. The ceremony is done in honor of the babies lost during pregnancy or infancy. The ceremony was absolutely beautiful. Everything was done by the candle light and it was during sunset. It was a very emotional evening yet a very heartwarming experience. To be around so many other parents, mingling, sharing, and really connecting felt so good. We listened to a song called, "My Name" and its written in the point of view of the baby in utero. It says that he knows his parents love him, even though they don't know his name. Then it comes time for birth, and he knows its to soon. His scared, but things begin to get bright. He sees a hand reaching for him and he takes it. As he's being guided not into Dr.'s arms but into the arms of Our Father. As they approach the pearly gates they open for them. Its a really beautiful song, makes me cry every time.
Anyway, back to the cermony... It was really nice, we listened to that song, then we had a moment in silence. The glow of our candles lit the area we were in. We have a concrete bench we stood near. Its a memorial bench and we all have painted tiles with our children's name on it. Each tile is different, once we paint one, the Wee Care facilitator has them grouted & glazed over. Its really pretty. I did Erik's tile with yellow stars a baseball bat & ball and it says "Our Star" his name and birthdate. I haven't made one for my other two babies, but I've been thinking about doing a tile for them too. After the ceremony was done, we close with a prayer and if anyone wanted to share anything they could. A few girls were strong enough to talk, one being a recent bereaved mom. She miscarried her son 4 wks ago. Seeing her strength, MADE me want to share what was on my mind. I had been really hard myself for not being further along with the grieving process as what I'd like to be by now. So I shared that, even after a year and half of grieving I wasn't done. But I recently read, in the book "Lost Parenthood" that a study showed the "normal" time range for grieving the loss of a baby is 2-3 years. I don't know why, but that made me feel somewhat better. Knowing I'm not just a crazy lady, crying for my losses, that its ok to still be grieving. Even though the book said its a 2-3 year process, it also stated that its not abnormal to grieve after that point. Its just an average. After the ceremony was done, we mingled, I met some of the parents & in-laws of some of the bereaved moms. I also got to meet some of their children they had after their losses. It was enlightening to see their involvement with the ceremony. One little boy said that he sometimes dreams of how beautiful she must be in heaven. I had to fight back the tears. I can only image what its like for a child to feel the effects of a loss, along with thier parents.

Well once we left I felt really good. I felt I really got to connect with the others, and I felt really happy to have honored our angels in the way we did. Our children we lost don't get to have big birthday parties, or soccer games. We as parents of angels don't get to attend kindergarten graduations, or get handmade Mother's Day cards made with elbow noodles... This, the Rememberance Ceremony, is all we have. Its our one and only real get together with others that we have to share the special short memories we had with our baby. Its the one place you can talk so freely about your baby, and people really care, listen, and know what you are talking about.

The next day, I got an email from our Wee Care facilitator. She told me, that she noticed me hugging the mom's, and sharing & listening to their stories. She said it made her proud that Wee Care has opened me up to be a caring and supportive person. And she proposed an offer. An offer I don't think I can pass up. She told me that if I would accept the offer, she would like to hand over the Wee Care support group to, yours truly. Me!!! If I accepted she'd pay for me to attend a 2-day RTS training (Resolve Through Sharing). And she would pay for me to attend a facilatator training course.
I WAS SO EXCITED! I can't believe this. This is so HUGE for me. Wee Care is such an established group, with so many caring individuals, and support. I was speechless. I'm still speechless. I haven't given her an answer yet, only because I have some questions before I say yes. She did tell me that I would have a co-facilitator to help me, so that's good. I really want to talk to her about my husband and I, TTC again. I wouldn't feel right hosting support group meetings with a pregnant growing belly, IF we were to get pregnant. That wouldn't be fair for them to have to see me progress through a pregnancy after losing theirs. I know how hard it is, because my sister is pregnant again. So I'd like to get her input on that.
Her plans are to hand the group over for 2008. This coming year would be her last, she formed this group and this coming year would be the 10th year in opperation.

Saturday was my Spa Party. It was great, I have a good turn out and got some free spa stuff for hosting the party & sales. I can't wait to get the rest of my stuff, so I could start to pamper myself a little more.

Oh, and my weightwatcher update. Last week I lost 3.6 lbs!!!! YAY!
So far, so good. I'm a little worried about blowing it for Thanksgiving, but we'll see.

Monday

This weekend went so fast. Saturday I went to a Tupper.ware party, drank a glass of Merlot, and Sunday I went to a Pamper.ed chef party and drank a glass of Strawberry White Zinfandel. (My absolute favorite!) I coulda drank the entire bottle by myself, but due to metformin, weight watchers, and the fact that I had to drive myself home; I was a good girl and stopped after glass #1.

Tonight at 6:30 we're having our candle light Rememberance Ceremony. This will be our second one to attend since we lost Erik. Last year's ceremony was really nice. They had a butterfly release, and it was beautiful to see them fly out all together. I'm hoping they do that again. Its such an emotional, but heartwarming event. So this evening I will be thinking about my angels, as well as yours.

Today's CD46, and we're still waiting for AF... As soon as "she" makes an appearance we can get started on our next cycle of ttc... I'm such an impatient person (hey, at least I can admit it), but in a small way I'm glad she's taking her time. Its giving me some time to convince myself that we should do an IUI this next cycle. I still have a couple of personal doubts about wanting to do it. And I'm kinda scared of what the procedure will be like... I know it won't hurt any more than what I've already been through, but I'm still kinda nervous about it.

My Son

I talk a lot about my son Erik. So I figured I'd share his resting place with yall. Here's where my son, Erik Michael Gonzales, rests.

I spend so much time out here. Sometimes I take a blanket out there and I lay back on the grass next to him and talk to him. On holidays, we take him fresh flowers, "boy"stuffed animals, and balloons. And we make wishes of gifts for God to give him, that are age appropriate for what he would've been. Its just so peaceful out there. Its so open, and free. I've never felt comfortable in a cemetary before, until my baby was buried here. Here is the place where I feel the closest to him. When I miss him, had a stressful day, got good or bad news, I go here to spend time with him. When I'm there my joys are when his pinwheels goes from a still position to spinning so fast it rattles, my joys are when the sun peeks around from the clouds and casts rays in the sky, my joys are when the sun is setting and he shows me that pink and orange really do look good together, my joys are when the wind blows and dries my tears. Its like he's telling me in his own little way that he hears me, loves me, doesn't want me to cry for him anymore.



I know its hard to see his marker through all the stuffed animals & flowers... But its got a blue bow tied to it, if you didn't see it yet. I just love the big blue bunny. On the star on his blue bunny say's "Jesus love me" and when you press it, it plays the song.

God, I so love this baby, I really do. He was, and will forever be my special little boy. Its amazing the love we have for him. The day of his burial, I let him go. But in my heart I will never let him go.

I wish I could show you what I mean about it being so peaceful. Ya really wouldn't get it, unless you've been there before. Jenna knows what I mean. She's come to visit my son once, and when we left she told me it really is a peaceful place. Its so quiet. Its like the world is in slow motion, but time flies. And the only thing thats around you is grass, the sun and the wind. Its a breath of fresh air, and so relaxing to be there. I used to be scared to be in a cemetary, but that has changed. There's nothing creepy or scary about it. There, I'm surrounded by peace, beauty, and genuine love and there's nothing scary or creepy about that.

Thanks to all that have helped and continue to help me through the grief. I don't know where I'd be without the love and support.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Erik Michael Gonzales

Born and passed May 27, 2005

at 12:06pm

Weighing 13.6 ounces, 10 inches long

Taking a baby step for my baby

I decided its time for me to get healthy again. Actually its passed that time, but I gotta start somewhere so that our next baby will have the best start he/she or THEY can have. This past year, I gained so much. I quit caring and was so depressed with losing my son, that I lost myself in the process. Its been a year and half since we lost him, and still it hurts really bad. Some days my heart hurts like the day I held him in my arms, I really can't think about it to much or I'll cry again... I'm a little upset with myself that I'm not doing better than I am. I'd thought by now I'd better, but I'm not. I don't blog about it much, because it the same ole thing. I miss him, I love him, I still can't believe he's gone, and I'll never hold him again. I know he's in a better place, I know I'll hold him again in heaven, I know he loves me as much as I love him, and I know I just have to give myself time... I know. But it still hurts.

So... To get my mind off of my pain for a little while I decided it was time that I start to take care of myself. For to long I've put off exercising, and I remember how well I slept when I did. I've put off eating healthy & drinking water, and I remember how well I felt and how good my skin looked when I did... I have to start to get myself back together again. I think feeling better about myself, sleeping better, looking better may help me move forward. Hell, I know that may sound stupid, but I've got it in my mind that my future baby's health is at stake here. I HAVE to do this for my baby.

So, last night I took a baby step for my future baby and joined weight watchers.

Today is going well. I had a good lunch, and its now 4:00 and I've resisted hittin up the vending machine. So yay for me.

**update** Post Op appt

My appt went well. My RE showed me color pictures of my insides, which btw were AWESOME!!!! I got to see what my ovaries, fallopian tubes & uterus looked like. I do have a pretty uterus, she told me I did a while back, and now that I saw it, I agree. Its so pink & round. It would be even prettier with a baby in there, but oh well. We'll get there.

Q1. What was removed during my surgery?
A. Biopsy report states it was endometrial polyps. Both polyps were removed from the inside of my fallopian tubes. The polyps were acting as veils (like a wedding veil) shielding the opening to my uterus. Kinda like "leaves in the gutters". The sperm can't swim thru it, egg can't get passed it, therefore preventing me from getting pregnant.

Q2. Now that its removed, are my chances increased for a ectopic pregnancy?
A. No, not any higher of a chance as before the surgery.

Q3. What are the chances of this coming back?
A. If we were to have a couple more miscarriages (which of course isn't on the agenda) then there is a chance of the endometrial polyps returning. But other than that, they shouldn't come back. We're gonna keep an eye out for them, just in case.

Q4. What's Next?
A. Wait for AF. Give her 1-2 weeks to make an appearance, and if she's a no show. I'll get a prescription to MAKE her come.

Q5. Once AF starts, what's the plan? Are we gonna do a cycle of just drugs like before? Or are we gonna do an IUI?
A. IUI. There's no sense in putting it off and waiting another month to do it. Doing an IUI will increase our chances greatly now that my tubes are cleared, and now that we know Richard's S/A came out great. There's nothiing holding us back from conceiving... Well, it is up to God's timing of course, but it wouldn't hurt to help things along if we can.

I had a couple other less important Questions that she answered, but all in all. After she did a pelvic exam, looked @ my incisions, she told me I healed very well. And she gave me the Green Light to resume to normal activities, including sex. WOO HOOO!!!


Oh, I almost forgot. She gave me an Rx for metformin. She said I've got a touch of insulin resistance and that should fix me right up.

Post-Op appt.

Today's CD40. And I don't know where the heck AF is. I don't even feel her coming, its weird. I'm not so worried about it, I'm just tired of being prepared everyday for nothin'.

At 1:45 this afternoon I have my post-op appt. I'm so anxious, I have TONS of questions.
Like (most importantly) What's Next? I'm wondering if she's gonna suggest going on with an IUI? Or since my fallopian tube(s) was blocked, and the surgery fixed it, if she's gonna suggest one more cycle of Gonal-f injections just for good measure... Either way I'm ok with whatever my RE suggests. I'm just ready to get the show on the road here. With only one more month left in this year, SOMEONE's gotta get the last BFP. And I totally don't mind if its Me! :)

What a weekend. Saturday Richard and I started our Christmas shopping, we did ok. We're done with 2 of our 7 nieces & nephews. We got a long way to go, but I refuse to stress about that. I've got other more important things going on to stress about. And Christmas isn't one of them. Yet.

Yesterday I had a Birthday party at my house for my Dad. He turns 52 today. It was fun, we had a fish fry and had TONS of shrimp. We had Shrimp gumbo, fried shrimp, boiled shrimp, grilled shrimp lol I sound like Bubba Gump! But really we had shrimp prepared just about every way I can think of, just about. It was so good. And my brother & his wife came over to my house for the first time. My brother really liked my house, it made me feel so proud. Then he pissed me off... Ok. When you show someone your house for the first time, do you think its rude for them to ask how much you paid for it? I do. That's like asking my husband, "How much did you spend on the engagement ring or wedding ring?" That's Rude! My response was, "Richard and I haven't told anyone what we paid for our house, not even our parents. Since no one pays our bills or helped us buy it, we keep it between us. But we did get a good deal." I know that probably sounds a bit rude, but its true. I wasn't trying to offend him, and I can understand his curiosity, but there's some things that you just shouldn't ask.

So after all the guests were gone, I was exhausted. I had enough strength to take the trash out so my house wouldn't smell fishy in the morning, while Richard washed the last few dishes.

It was a short weekend because we stayed busy, so this morning was a t-shirt & ponytail day. I'm so tired.

(A bit of TMI)
Oh, and yesterday we broke the abstainance record. lol.
We figured a day before the appt wouldn't hurt anything. Heck, we were good for making it this long without. We deserved a little fun. And it was groundbreaking, leg shaking goooood.

Have a great Monday. I'll update after I get back from my appt.

Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead)

Yesterday was just a bad day for me. I called my hubby after blogging and he calmed me down some, enough to go back to work and finish out the day. I was feeling so sad, I was sick to my stomache, dizzy, out of breath, and nauseas. I just worked myself up I nearly had an anxiety attack.

When I'm really stressed out, or just down in the dumps, I put on my favorite relaxing CD "Come away with me" by Nora Jones. That CD has some mileage on it! If I had to choose one CD in the world to hear over & over it would be Nora Jones. There's something about it that no other CD can do to me, its so frickin relaxing. Song 1 "Don't know why" gets my attention, song 2 "Seven Years" makes me clear my mind, song 3 "Cold Cold heart" I'm starting to relax, song 4 "Feeling the same way" I'm relaxed and starting to sing along because I can relate to that song, song 5 "Come away with me" I'm singing along, song 6-14 I'm enjoying the CD and sometimes I'm ready to hear it all over again before its even over. I just never get tired of it, I absolutely love it. I should make a copy of the CD, heaven forbid anything every happen to this one. So yesterday I had a "double dose" of Nora Jones, and it worked.

Today my day is going much better, this far.

Today happens to be El Dia De Los Muertos (The Day of the Dead) which is a Mexican holiday. So I'm wearing my purple ribbon in honor of the loved ones I've lost.
This holiday goes back to more than 500 years ago, when the Spanish Conquistadors landed in what is now Mexico, they encountered natives practicing a ritual that seemed to mock death.
It was a ritual the indigenous people had been practicing at least 3,000 years. A ritual the Spaniards would try unsuccessfully to eradicate.
A ritual known today as Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead.
The ritual is celebrated in Mexico and certain parts of the United States, including the Valley.
Although the ritual has since been merged with Catholic theology, it still maintains the basic principles of the Aztec ritual, such as the use of skulls. Today, people don wooden skull masks called calacas and dance in honor of their deceased relatives. The skulls were used to symbolize death and rebirth.

Unlike the Spaniards, who viewed death as the end of life, the natives viewed it as the continuation of life. Instead of fearing death, they embraced it. To them, life was a dream and only in death did they become truly awake.

However, the Spaniards considered the ritual to be sacrilegious. They perceived the indigenous people to be barbaric and pagan. In their attempts to convert them to Catholicism, the Spaniards tried to kill the ritual. But like the old Aztec spirits, the ritual refused to die.
To make the ritual more Christian, the Spaniards moved it so it coincided with All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day (Nov. 1 and 2), which is when it is celebrated today.
Previously it fell on the ninth month of the Aztec Solar Calendar, approximately the beginning of August, and was celebrated for the entire month. Festivities were presided over by the goddess Mictecacihuatl. The goddess, known as "Lady of the Dead," was believed to have died at birth.
Today, Day of the Dead is celebrated in Mexico and in certain parts of the United States and Central America. It's celebrated different depending on where you go.
In rural Mexico, people visit the cemetery where their loved ones are buried. They decorate gravesites with marigold flowers and candles. They bring toys for dead children and bottles of tequila to adults. They sit on picnic blankets next to gravesites and eat the favorite food of their loved ones.

Here the people spend the day in the cemetery, and the graves are decorated real pretty by the people.

In the United States and in Mexico's larger cities, families build altars in their homes, dedicating them to the dead. They surround these altars with flowers, and pictures of the deceased. They light candles and place them next to the altar.


Rest in Peace.
My beloved son
Erik Michael Gonzales
Born and passed May 27, 2005

Baby Gonzales
miscarried March 3, 2004

Baby Gonzales
miscarried July 3, 2004

Baby Jennie (my mom's baby girl she lost before me)
Born sleeping: August 1978

To all my loved ones that have passed.
And to all my friend's loved ones that have passed.

May God's peace and love fill the hearts of those whom have lost someone they truly love.

November 1st

So now that October has come and gone I realized today that I didn't have a period in October. My LMP was Sept.29th, so that makes today CD34. AF isn't that late, but now I'm wondering if the surgery messed up my cycle. I guess its not a big deal if it did, but now I'm in the woods about when AF's gonna show up. The average length of my cycles, over a 16 month period of time is 30.375 days... Call it obsessive of me, but yes I've kept up with my cycle days for over 16 months straight. And I hate that there wasn't a BFP anywhere in those last 16 months.

Oh my god, Oh. My God. Panic attack!!!!!!!!!!! breathe...... Breathe.. Breathe Its gonna be ok.

I seriously an having a lot on anxiety today. One of the gals here at work mentioned there was 4 paychecks left before Christmas. OMG. I haven't even started shopping. What's wrong with me, everyone else has at least started.

But before Christmas is Thanksgiving. Its up in the air if its gonna be at my house this year. I really, REALLY don't want it to be. But two weeks ago it stormed & flooded, my parents evacuated to my house for 3 days, and when they went home they found the roof had collapsed in the living room. So they're repairing the roof, and after they do that they have to replace the floors, carpet, and couches. So I'm sure my house is gonna come up in the Thanksgiving plans.

So many holidays are coming, and I'm not ready. I'm not. God, I miss my baby Erik so much. I feel like such a terrible mommy to him because I haven't even ordered his headstone. What kinda mother am I? (tears rolling down my face)
Damnit.
There are babies that were buried after my son, and they already have their headstones, and my poor baby doesn't have his yet. Why can't I just commit myself to one design and just order it? Why am I being so picky? It shouldn't matter to me what it looks like, its not for me, its for him. That's IT! That. Is. IT! I'm taking a day off. I declare Novemeber 17th is Jennie & Erik's day. I'm gonna go to that headstone place, and I'm gonna tell him what I want and have it made. I'm tired of looking, and feeling so guilty about him still having his temporary marker. Its been 1 year & 6 months, today, since we laid him to rest. I have to see his name in stone. I have to. My baby deserves the best, and its about I give it to him. I know I'll never have the chance to buy him a graduation ring, or car. So this is it. This is the only purchase I will EVER get to make for him that is a big one. I have to trust I'm making the right decision on the design & color. I know its not gonna be an easy choice for me, because its to permanant, but its time. I have to get this for him now. If I want him to have it before his 2nd Birthday, I have to do this now.

YAY! Its Halloween

HAPPY Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope your day is a Spoooooktacular one with lots of sweets surprises.

This morning I came to work with my cute-sy halloween treats and they were a hit. I handed them out wearing my old lady mask and it had the girls laughing. It was so much fun. Everyone brought treats, and surprisingly not all were candy. One gal gave out halloween mugs filled with granola bars and a halloween pencil & halloween straw. Another gal gave out individual carmel dip and an apple tied on top with a orange ribbon, she even decorated the apple to be a jack-o-lantern, its really cute. They look like girl jack-o-lantern with big bow on it's head. My boss gave out orange bath poofs with french vanilla bean Bath & Body works bubble bath. The rest of the gals gave out candy goodie bags, cupcakes & cookies. My boss had on a masquerade sequin mask on, and my other boss had on a Jason hocky mask. Other than them two, I was the only other one that had a mask & dressed up. So we took pictures together. I know now I probably look like a kiss as$, but it wasn't planned. It just worked out that way. Anyhow.

I better get to work. Again, its before 10am and we've all managed to get back up on that sugar high.

Have a Great Day!

Halloween Eve

Its not even 10 am yet, and we've all managed to get ourselves on a nice little sugar high here at work. One of the gals brought chocolate cupcakes frosted w/oreo cookie crumbles for dirt and gummie worms, and a couple of 2 liter sodas... We're bad.

This weekend I made my halloween treats for tomorrow's office party. They're super cute! I made (stampin up) cardstock black pocket boxes with embossed shiny orange pumpkins & blk/white gingham ribbon, and orange ribbon. I just LOVE them. I can't wait to give them out. One of the gals I work with does crafts and we have just a tiny bit of friendly competition between us. But my crafts are always better than hers, cause I'm just good like that!
Well I am. Can't a girl toot 'er horn every once in a while?! :) Toot TOOooT!

Today I'm working the second half of the day in a different office. YAY! That office is way closer to home. Maybe I'll pay my hubby a little visit at his work to take him a treat. ME!

Ok woman to women, this abstaining thing is getting really hard. We're not suppose to till after my post-op appt, but I don't know how much longer we can hold out. We almost caved, ok I almost caved yesterday. Richard's been so kissy kissy on me, and its killin' me. I politely asked him to stop, and he's like... "I can't help it, I'm just 'lovin you lots & lots.' (phrase we use from a song in the movie, "That Thing You Do.") This is sad, but seriously last night I prayed for the desire to go away. I ended up falling asleep praying, so I guess God heard me.
Gah, its not suppose to be this tough. I've lived the majority of my life without it, what's my problem that I can't hold off a couple wks?! I'm so weak. If Richard caves, we're in trouble.
Next Monday is my post-op appt. I can't promise that we'll make it till then, but we're definatly gonna try.

Day 7 Post-Op

My incisions are healing and the pain & swelling is pretty much gone. Still have a little pain when I bend down to pick up something floor level, but other than that, all is well. My belly button incision looks the best, the bruise is now in the yellow stage so its looking somewhat better. (Yellow is still yuck, but its better than dark purple bruises) The lower incision looks good too, just not as good as the other. It looks like ------ that long. My only problem with that one now is that the area on either side of the incision is getting irratated from the adhesive from the bandages, and it itches. I'm trying not to scratch but sometimes I just can't help it. I know scratching is bad and it only makes the skin more sensitive, but its so itchy.

Off the subject... November 18th I'm having a spa party at my house, and I'm getting really excited about it. The last one I went to (was the first one I went to) was so much fun! It was SOooo relaxing, and such a treat to get pampered for the afternoon. I've been using all the facial clensing stuff, and I'm actually seeing a huge improvement. My complextion is clear, my pores are not as noticable. My sister is using the same as me, and she loves it too. With her being pregnant her hormones haven't been nice to her face. She said that when she uses it religiously she sees the difference. My mom (whom never wears makeup or uses anything other than normal body soap to wash her face) started using the "gold" line for over 40 women and she loves it. She has sun freckles, and she said that its actually lightened her freckles giving her a more even skin tone. Anyhow, enough bout that.

This weekends plans... Make my halloween treats for co-workers and do some house cleaning.

Richard's The MAN!!!!

lol He asked me to title this entry like that.

I just got a call from my RE regarding Richard's SA.

9% morphology____________ >4 is normal
8 pH_____________________ 7.1-8.2 is normal
1.4 vol.___________________ 1-6 is normal
60% motility_______________ 60% is the normal range
295 million total concentration____ 20-150 million is normal
248 million moving sperm = A+

I told Richard and he yelled, "YEAHHHHHHH!! I'M THE MANNNNNN!" LOL.
He's so proud of himself, now he's all cocky! (No pun intented.)

I'm just glad his #'s are ok. Now that I know he's ok, and I've had the surgeries and should be ok. I'm really anxious to get started TTC again. This was the little-picker-upper we needed. Or in Richard's case, the BIG picker-upper! LOL

Day 4 Post-Op

I'm back to work. Yesterday I had my RE fax over a medical release to my work so I can return today, so I'm back in action! I'm doing pretty good (so far) just really glad to be out of the house, and away from Day Time TV. Man, it was bad. I didn't realize how many crap shows go on during the day, till I was forced to sit, rest and relax on the couch. I really wanna be a stay a home mom... But I'm thinking about chaning that title to something more along the lines of... Shopping Soccer Mom, or Mall Shoppin' Momma. Well, now that I think about it, I'm sure the little one(s) would be keeping me busy enough to not have time to watch day time tv... I hope.

Richard had his appointment. I went with him as moral support and I think just me being there made it rough for him. He said it didn't, but I feel it did. He got his cup & instructions and we were put in this huge dr. office room. It had a small chair, and an examining table in it... Nothing else. No visual aids, like I expected, or anything... Poor guy. He was so nervous, and I was nervous for him. I tried turning off the lights, but that made it WAY to dark and he was worried about spilling or missing... There were so many people walking by the door, and talking in the halls... It really made it difficult for him. I won't go into anymore details, but he did it, finally. He said it wasn't his best, but he did it. So I'm proud of him. He was under so much pressure. I had to be at the hospital at 11:30 for check in, so he was really rushed to produce his sample. And with it being his first time to do that, and being under so much pressure... He's a real trooper.

We got to the hopsital, got checked in, and I slipped into the "fashionable" hospital gown. We waited about an hour in little holding area. When it was time to go, Richard gave me a good bye/good luck kiss and when I opened my eyes, we both had tears in our eyes. I could see the fear in his eyes, and I know he could see mine. I just said a quick prayer, and took a couple of deep breaths of the "oxygen" and drifted off to La-La Land. Anesthesia sleep is the deepest sleep one could experience. I lost track of time, day, everything. And I never dream while I'm under. Its just enough time to close your eyes, and open them and its all over. No pain, no recollection of what just happened, its so weird. I guess that's why its so scary.

After the surgery my RE showed Richard some color pictures of what my insides looked like, then what they looked like after the surgery was done. Apparently, from what little info I can gather from Richard, I had adhesions (scar tissue) blocking my fallpian tube(s) (don't know if it was one or both) But after it was removed the blue dye ran through like it was suppose to. And I had additional adhesions on my uterus. I think... Richard didn't ask her any questions, and didn't really hear anything my RE had to say just that I was ok, and the surgery was successful. I have a post-op appt scheduled for November 6th, and I guess I'll just save my questions till then.

The first night was a bad night. Once the pain medication wore off, I was hurting. Hydrocodone was my saving grace and I spend those first two days & nights on the living room recliner. Getting the bandages off my incisions wasn't fun. One incision is in my belly button, and that one looks really good. Ya can't even see it. I know where its at only because its bruised there. And the bottom incision is doing well too. That one is on the pubic bone area, and the only problem with that one is that when I stand or sit, and the transition between the two, it hurts. It bled a little more than the belly button incision, but its not as bruised as my belly button incision. Yesterday I called my RE's office and begged a nurse to send my work a medical release. My job isn't a very physical one, so I promised her I'd take it really easy here, and I am. Its so good to be back in the groove of normal work. Its healing on my mind.

Thanks for all the prayers & support.

Surgery Day--nervous aimless rambling

Yesterday I went to my pre-op appt and watched 2 dvd's on the surgeries. Both were really good, and pretty informative. The best part is that they actually managed to calm my nerves a little. After the mountain of paperwork was signed at my RE's office I went next door to the hospital to get pre-registered. Man, now THAT was a lot of paperwork & forms... It made me feel like we're closing on another house, how much crap I had to sign & initial. Anywho.
Richard's appointment (to leave his contribution) is at 11:00am at my RE's office, and I have to be at the hospital at 11:30am for check-in. I'm HOPING he'll be "done" by then. He should!

My surgery time got moved up, it was suppose to be at 2:30 and it got moved up to 1:30. The scheduling chick told me that the cerclage surgery she had to do before me, is now gonna be a D&C surgery. My heart sank... Another woman just lost their baby... And I prayed for her.

But I'm feeling ok today. Still nervous, but now its more of a determined feeling. Determined to get this over with so we can move on. I hate worrying. I worried so much I have a nice pimple on my cheek to show for it. DAMN! But I'll be ok... I hope I will... Yea. I'll be ok.

Jenna, if you could ever so kindly to be my contact chica, and post after my surgery is done. I'll have Richard call ya as soon as I wake up. Thanks girlfriend! You're the best!
LOL, like how I ASSUMED you'd say Yes! Heee hee hee. I knew you would.

Anyhow. It's getting close to 9:30 and I'm STARVING!!!!! At 11:54 last night I woke up to have a bowl of Lucky Charms because my cut off time to eat was midnight. It reminded me of being in High School again. Before any competition it was tradition that our dance team would snack on Lucky Charms for Good Luck. Gah, I keep catching myself wondering over to the dang kitchen... I knew I shouldn't of baked those chocolate chip cookies Thursday... They're torturing me! All wrapped up on that cute cookie plate...

I better start getting ready. I can't wear any make-up (dr.'s orders) so I guess I oughta at least do my hair.

I'm glad I did take the day off work... I'd be a basketcase there.

When my RE makes an incision on my stomach she's probably gonne see the butterflies I have in there. lol I'm just so nervous.

Please send your prayers.

Sorry bout the aimless ramblings, its my nerves.

I love you guys, and appriciate all the love, support and most importantly the prayers.

Hugs to all,
Jennie

Un Sure-gery day is coming

I'm sure the procedures will go ok, I'm just nervous about the anestesia. That's the only thing that has me freakin' out.

A couple days ago Richard and I had "the talk". We have "the talk" anytime one of us is gonna have surgery and be put under anesthesia. We talk about what the other should do in case something was to happen, if God decides its time to go. And this time, for the first time, I told him I'd want him to remarry. He is such a wonderful man, I'd want him to love, and be loved. And perhaps one day be the dad. Even if it is without me, I would want for him to be happy and share that love. I know it sounds a little extreme to be having that kinda talk when its just outpatient/minor surgeries, but ya never know.

Tomorrow I have a pre-op appointment at 1:15 to discuss what the plans are, and to watch 2 dvd's, 1 on each procedure. And I have to sign all the consents for my RE. I'll post tomorrow when I get back from my appt.

my weekend

This weekend went ok. Friday evening Richard went to my sister's house for a Texas Hold'em tournament. While the guys were there she (and my nephew) came to my house and ended up spending the night. She didn't talk much about her being pregnant, but the next morning at breakfast Jacob pointed to her belly, and says "be-le". She was like, "Yea that's momma's belly, and what's in momma's belly? A baby..." And Jacob repeats baaaaaby.
I'm like great. You taught your 18 month old that there's a baby in there, now whats gonna happen if God forbid you lose the baby? Huh? Ever thought about that? Nooooo. Of course not. You're young, and stupid, and nothing will ever happen like that. HELLLOOOO!!! OPEN YOUR FRICKIN EYES!!!!! Your sister, of your own flesh & blood, has problems maintaining a pregnancy and you just forget (or don't care) and treat this pregnancy like any ole' pregnancy. Yea, I know worrying about it isn't gonna help... But $HIT at least be cautious with what you expose you child to. UGGHHHH. She pi$ses me off sometimes...

Saturday we laid around the house, napped and watched tv. It rained so we spend that day just cuddling.

Sunday we went to a BBQ at Richard's sister's house. Her husband BBQ'd chicken, mushroom & shrimp kabobs. We went over and watched the Texans vs. Cowboys football game and we oinked out on junk food. The Texans got their as$es handed to them, as usual, but that's ok. I'm a true blue, and stick to my team through thick & thin. TEXANS ALL THE WAY BABY!

Today was suppose to be our Candlelit Remeberance Ceremony with our support group. But since its raining & flooding in the area its postponed till November 13th. Also, today is Erik's EDD, and had he been born on his EDD he'd be a year old today... I'm doing ok. Just keeping myself busy and I'm not really thinking a whole lot about it. Just trying to get through the day.