Erik's B-day & My Dr. appt

May 27 - Was a day that I'd been thinking about all year, the day our angel son Erik was to turn two. The day finally came and went, and together we got through it. The morning of his birthday I awoke to the sunshine, said a prayer to start my day and wished my son a Happy Birthday. After a late breakfast, Richard loaded up my wheelchair and we went to the cemetery to visit my special little birthday boy. But before we got there, we stopped by the flower shop to get some roses, and balloons. Last year I had made all the preparations for Erik's first birthday, picking out the perfect floral arrangement, buying a cake, making & sending out invites to our immediate family to join us at the cemetery for a balloon release, buying bubbles for my nieces & nephews, ect. So this year with me being on bed rest, I let "daddy" do all the work. At the flower shop he got a dozen white roses, and three balloons. It was so sweet. Richard couldn't decide what theme to go with, so he just went with all of them. One was a birthday balloon with Mickey Mouse (my favorite character), the next one was a sports theme-basketball, soccer ball, baseball & football, and the third birthday balloon had cars, trains, trucks, planes and as Richard says, "very boy-ish." We got there, he wheeled me down into the grass to be near Erik and God couldn't have made it a prettier day. The sun was warm, but hidden behind the clouds, the breeze was cool and so refreshing. We prayed, spent some time out there talking to Erik, and to our surprise my parents showed up shortly after. So all in all, the day went well. I think the good cry I had the night before, helped me get through the day. I cried a little, but for the most part I feel that we were able to celebrate his special day. I know our little Erik is watching over us, and has really "paved the way" for his brother to be here with us, even this long.





May 28- It rained and rained and rained... I'm so glad it did. It was the perfect weather to relax, snuggle up together and watch movies.


May 29- nothin' special happened...


May 30- Yesterday we made it to 22wks, YAY! And I had an Ob appt. and it went well. Dr. measured my belly, and it's measuring on track. Blood pressure was good, urine sample was good, and baby's heartbeat was 152 bpm which is also good. I haven't had any more issues with spotting or bleeding, so I'll be back to see her in 2 wks.


May 31- This morning I had a full house. My MIL & SIL came over and brought my goddaughters/nieces & nephews to visit. They brought me a movie, some magazines, a word search, a coloring book & crayons and a box of candy. They are all so sweet. My nephews were asking if we had decided on a name, and when I told them we haven't they started spouting off names. It was cute, they came out with some "normal" names like Jacob, Brian, Ethan, Brandon... Then it turned into funny, cartoon character names like, Jimmy (Neutron), Bart (Simpson), Donatello & Micheal Angelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) Elmo, and Cailou... We got a good laugh. I told them to keep thinking of good names, because we could use all the help in finding the perfect name.

hour before Erik's 2nd birthday

I've been thinking about Erik all day.

The tears my husband and I cried when we found out it was our last day with our baby.
The last private moments I shared with my baby still alive inside me.
The way my husband kissed my belly for the last time with Erik still in there.
The and last pleading prayers I prayed for a miracle to happen to save the life of our child.
The way my baby kicked inside my womb not knowing he was going to be born.
The physical pain of labor.
The fear of the unknown.
The moment I felt "Mother Nature" tell my body to push.
The moment I looked down and saw my baby leaving my body, yet still connected.
The way my Dr. softly whispered "It's a boy."
The way my Dr. swaddled our son and carefully placed him on my chest.
The way my son looked, so perfect, so tiny, pink and the most precious angelic face I've ever seen.
Touching his palm as he closed his tiny hand around my finger.
Promising him that we will always love him and will never ever forget him.
The warmth of his skin on mine as he laid on my chest.
Realizing that for the first time in my life, I felt like a mom.

The overwhelming rush of love I felt for my son.
Sharing my first and last moments together as a family.
Watching my husband holding and kissing his first born son.
The tears we cried.
Breathing in all that I could, and fearing that I'd forget his beautiful face.
Watching my parents & in-laws meet their grandson for the first and last time.
The feeling of never wanting to let him go.
Seeing the tears in the eyes of the chaplin as he baptized our son.
The moment I said my last good-bye, kissed my last kiss, smelled my last scent of baby, and feeling a huge piece of my heart dying along with my son.
Signing my signature next to the title "mother" on the paper work releasing our son to be taken to a funeral home.
Two days later leaving the hospital with aching empty arms, a lump in my throat, and a white and blue memory box with Erik's angel gown, blanket, baby hat, and footprints in it.

My mind can't forget the details, and my heart still aches like it happened yesterday. A part of me thinks "I should be over this by now" and "just be grateful for the miracle we have growing inside me right now." Well, I am so very grateful. But a stonger part of me feels like I deserve to be weak at least this time of the year. I feel like for the most part I'm strong all year, but once this day rolls around I can't stop the flood of tears. There's no words to express how hard this really is. My husband is being strong for me, but I know he too is dying inside.

Its about time for me to go now... Its 11:35pm and I've got to gather myself.


Heavenly Father, please hold my precious son tonight.
And when the sun rises, kiss his soft cheek and whisper
Happy Birthday.
It's what I'd want to do if he was here with us.

Living moments in our arms, but a lifetime in our hearts.
Erik Michael Gonzales
Born: May 27, 2005 12:09pm
weighing 13.6 ounces, and 10 inches long.

20 wks 6 days - 6th week of bed rest

Tomorrow I'll be 21 weeks and my little sweetheart is getting to be quite active, however he chooses when to be active. Yesterday he was a bit lazy, but this morning he was back to his vibrant kicking self again which was reassuring.

Richard and I are bonding with him but still haven't decided on a name. Heck, we haven't really LOOKED seriously for his name. I'm not really sure why we're "dragging our feet" but we're working on it...

The bed rest is challenging, but I'm more accepting of it. My husband is amazing, and has been a real trooper. The Dr. prescribed "NO ACTION in the bedroom" law is difficult on me at times, but for him he is so focused as to WHY we are being forced to abstain. When I try to stress to him how not having any intimacy what-so-ever is so difficult, he just holds me and reminds me that we are doing this for our future, its not permanant, just a temporary state that we have to be in. He tells me that he loves our baby and me to much to be selfish about his physical urges and nothing is more important to him than, us. So from that I have to gather myself again and refocus myself to make sure my eyes are still on the prize, and I'm not being swayed in the wrong direction. Through this I have gained a new respect for him and his strength. He's a super dad and husband, doing all the house work, cooking, laundry, bills, really everything in the house. He has really done so much to try to make this bed rest easier on me, I know I am so lucky to have him. Another person that is really helping us is my mother-in-law. She comes over in the morning around 8:00 and stays till noon and in those 4 hrs she cooks breakfast for me, does the ironing, folds the laundry, makes me lunch and does the dishes, while my husband is at work. I don't know what I'd without her help. I can only get up to potty & to shower so I haven't seen the kitchen or the other rooms in my house, in over six weeks. S-I-X WEEKS! It's so weird to me, I miss my freedom but I know its for the best.

My next appt is May 30th, and my next ultrasound is June 3rd. I can't wait. I know I'm spoiled to have as many ultrasounds as I have, but I've gotten used to seeing him once a month and with the bed rest the time between ultrasounds seems to be dragging.

I promised u/s pics in my last post, but Richard hasn't scanned them for me yet. I will have to get him to do that soon.

It's SO good to be back.

Well ladies, have we got some major catchin' up to do! First things first... Many heartfelt thanks to you all for keeping us in your thoughts & prayers. I firmly believe its the wonderful out pour of prayers that have really lifted us and continue to keep us going. And thanks to my good friend Jenna for posting updates and keeping me busy and in-the-loop of real life outside of my house and hospital.

Now, for a quick (as quick as I can make it) catch up.

April 16th- I got home from work, plopped down on the couch to relax before starting dinner and I started bleeding. Freaked out, I called my OB and she told me to get to the hospital asap, she'd be there waiting for me. DH got home in record time and off we went to the hospital. We got stopped twice for speeding but pardoned once the police found out why. Once we finally got there, I was admitted to the Antepartum floor and we got to hear little one's heartbeat. That was so reassuring. The next morning we did and ultrasound and no source of bleeding could be found. I had stopped bleeding and was released that afternoon. But I was put on strict bed rest.

April 23- Exactly one week later, I started bleeding again. Back to the hospital we went. I was admitted again, we heard fetal heart tones, and the following morning during the ultrasound no source of bleeding could be found. AGAIN! So the only thing that we were told was that the placenta MIGHT have had a small separation from the uterine wall causing some bleeding, and because I'm on blood thinners for my blood-clotting disorder, that's what I was bleeding a lot. I was in the hospital for 3 days before the bleeding stopped and I was released. I was sent home with instructions to have a progesterone oil injection once a week to keep my uterus calm. And thank God, I haven't had any more bleeding since the 26th.


The first weeks of bed rest were horrendous! But now as time passes its getting a little easier. And now that I have a new lap top & wireless Internet I'm hoping this will help pass the time.

May 2- My sister went into labor. She had a wonderful delivery and baby Lucas Levi entered the world weighing 7 lbs. 4 oz. and 19 inches long. Mommy & baby are both doing well. And big brother Jacob (2 yrs old) is being such a big help.

May 3- I had an ultrasound with my Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr. (which I'll have to post pics a little later) just to see how we were progressing. The ultrasound went well and with much delight, my husband and I are so excited to announce that we now know what we're having, and......



drum roll please...

It's........

A........

It's a BOY!

We were so shocked, we were so sure we were having a girl. All my family & friends told us they thought we were having a girl too. We were totally surprised. Of course we're excited to know its a boy, but now we're clueless as to what his name is going to be. We had already picked out a girl's first & middle name, and hadn't even thought once about a boy's name... So now the search is on for the perfect baby boy name. I'm sure it'll come to us, it just hasn't yet. During the ultrasound he showed his little "package" it was the cutest little thing I've ever seen! We got a VHS video of the ultrasound, and invited my parents & in-laws over that evening to see it to share the news. They are so excited!

So now its known that God & and our little angel Erik chose a baby boy for us to have, and we couldn't be more happy.


So now to the scary stuff. We found out our baby's cord isn't inserted to the placenta correctly. The cord is being held to the placenta by the two arteries and one vein that run through the cord. Since the arteries & vein are not being protected by the cord at any point in time, the cord could rip free, which would end our pregnancy in fetal demise. So the plan is to be on strict bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy, I can get up to potty, and I get one 10 minutes shower and if and when we make it to 36wks I'll be having a scheduled c-section. Anytime I have an appointment, I am to be driven and I get around on a wheelchair. I don't mind, anything that will get this baby boy here safely, I'm willing to do.

So that's it.... My journey continues and every day I count my blessings because I know that we are so fortunate to have gotten this far. And every day that passes is another day closer to having our baby, and boy is he an active little one! I can feel him moving around and it is reassuring that its all gonna be ok...