Happy Holidays.

Ok, before I tell ya about my Christmas, I have GREAT NEWS! Last Monday at my support group meeting my friend Velma, bless her heart, she got pregnant & miscarried a 16 wks. Well, she told me she had something for me in her car, so after the meeting I followed her out and she gave me 2 boxes of Follistim, unopened, refrigerated, unused boxes. She said that the drugs were left over from the study she quilified for, and she wanted me to have them since she was not gonna be ttc for a while. So I graciously took it. Velma & I coincidently have the same RE. So this morning I went in for a baseline ultrasound, and I took the drugs with me. I wasn't sure that my RE was gonna approve, but it was "worth a shot." Well after the u/s I was told that the cyst had shrunk down to a 14mm. We really need it to be <10mm. So I'll have to be on BCP for 2 more days. After that, I'll hopefully have a visit from AF within 5 days and on Cycle Day 3 I can start Follistim! WOO HOOO! I'm so excitied! My RE gave me a new pen & a DVD to show me how to "dial up" the correct dosage, but she said the drugs were good as long as they stayed refrigerated. I was so excited. She told me that I was so lucky to have these drugs just given to me. I did offer to pay Velma for them, but she refused to take my money since the drugs were given to her for free from the study. My goodness, if this cycle is THE ONE, my baby's middle name is gonna have to be Velma as the biggest Thanks I could ever give. But if its a boy... We'll have to rethink that. "Velma" doesn't sound to masculine. LOL, I guess we'll get there when we get there.

So Christmas Eve we spent it at my parents house. My family was all together so of course we had a good time. I made dinner, and my mom and sister made desserts. We all ate, then opened gifts. Then my brothers opened a bottle of Tequila. Between the 3 of us, we put away a bottle of Sauza Hornitos Tequila. We did shots, so the bottle didn't last long. Then they wanted to start a new bottle of Crown, which I found out on Christmas that they started & finished around 5:00am. Bad, bad, bad. I didn't stick around for that. We left around 11pm to my sister in laws, and we played "Deal. or No Deal" on her tv. It was fun, especially with a little alcohol to make me brave, lol. We spent the night there, then had Christmas breakfast the next morning with my in-laws. It was good. We opened gifts there, then we hung out a little while then went home. Once we got home, we were exhausted. But not to tired to open our gifts. So we sat on the floor next to the tree and gave each other gifts. By gift #3 I was in tears. Everything that I got Richard was wrong. He already had the CD that I gave him (he has over 600 cds, how was I suppose to know he had that one? Guh.) The radio walkman he wanted didn't have an AM setting, it just had FM. He really wanted to listen to Sports Radio on the AM setting, and I didn't even notice when I bought it, it didn't have it. Ok. Then the beard trimmer thing I got him, his mom gave him the exact same one... CRAP! I couldn't help but to cry. Now I feel stupid for crying about it, but at the time I think it was just emotional moment for me. Richard felt so bad, that I felt so bad about it... He tried to cheer me up, and told me I wasn't allowed to open any gifts till my "tears were tucked away." So I put them away and tried to enjoy the rest of the day. After we opened them, we cleaned up then went to visit my little Erik. When we got to the cemetary, he had all kinds of new Christmas "gifts." He had a stuffed brown puppy wearing a red scarf, pointsettas, a green bow on his marker, and some snowman & present picks. It was so CUTE. I loved it. We took him some fresh gerber daisies, a new green & silver pinwheel, and a christmas statue of a little boy knealing before the cross. (I took a few pics I might post later.) Richard was sick w/fever & feeling achey, it was so cold and the ground was really wet so we didn't stay very long. We were there maybe 15 minutes. This Christmas was so much easier on our hearts, it was still hard at times, but over all it was a lot better than last years.

I, like many others, hope that this Christmas is the last one we have with out a baby in our arms.

So from mine to yours.
Merry Christmas.

BIRTHDAY WEEKEND

Friday I took the day off...because.... It was my BIRTHDAY!
I turned the big 2-6. I took the day off work and went and got pampered. I got a massage, mani/pedi, eye brows waxed and hair cut. I walked out of the spa feeling like a new woman! I can't believe I got a short hair cut, but its growin on me. It sits on top of my shoulders so its not THAT short, Richard likes it... So that's a good thing. That evening he took me out to dinner at my favorite resteraunt, Joe's Crab Shack, and I had the BIGGEST plate of king crab ever. I ate crab like there was no tomorrow. I absolutely LOVE crab.

Saturday was my parent's 28th wedding anniversary. We gave them reservations to stay a night in a snazy hotel in Galveston in a room over looking the Gulf. And my sister & brothers gave them dinner reservations out on a steam boat tour. Sunday they came back with beautiful pictures and stories to tell. We got together for dinner Sunday evening to give them their gift, and they LOVED IT. When they saw the pictures, tears welled up in my daddy's eyes. It was so sweet. We told them how we all had such a great time together for lunch and at the Galleria how the guys were misbehaving and it was like we were all kids again, enjoying ourselves. It really was probably the least expensive gift we've ever given to them, but seeing the looks on their faces, said it all. It really meant the a lot to them. We had so many great pics from that afternoon, we made my mom a "brag book" and we filled it up with all the rest of the pictures.

This morning my husband woke up and said, "Its Sunday, right??" I hate it when that happens. This weekend flew by so fast, we needed one more day to sleep in. We just had a really busy weekend. In between times were spent last minute Christmas shopping, and cleaning... I'm tired. But I have to say, my hair looks GREAT! lol.

Our Pics

Here are the pics from this weekend. My siblings and I got together to take these pics as a little surprise for my parents anniversary. We're having one blown up & framed for them, and we're giving it to them this weekend. I know my mom's gonna cry. These are the first pictures we've taken together in over 15 years. Just two months ago my family was reunited for the first time, and now we're never letting go of each other. So here they are. Enjoy!
















Me & Christy

















Steve, Jennie, Christy, Eddie















Jennie, Steve, Christy, Eddie

weekend

Yesterday my brothers and my sister and I got together at the Galleria Mall in Houston to take pictures. My parent's 28th wedding anniversary is this coming Saturday (the day after my 26th Birthday) and we secretly planned this little get together to take some pictures. It went well, for the most part. Yesterday was the first time ever that all of us kids got together without my parents. My friend Amanda has this badas$ professional photographer-lookin camera, and offered to take some shots of us. She's gonna put them on a CD, and my sis and I are gonna choose the best one, have it blown up, and go in together and have it matted & framed as a gift to my parents. The last picture my siblings and I took together was for swim team and I was 8 years old. Both my brothers have been gone for a number of years (which I won't go in to) but now our family is back together for the first time in over 15 years. So I know this picture is gonna mean a lot to my parents. I can't wait to see it finished & framed.

The down part of the day was my sister, being pregnant, and completely over doing the "ah, I gotta go pee again. Lucas is sitting on my bladder" every 15 minutes. Then my brother's wife asked if she's gonna breastfeed this baby too, if it hurts, BLAH BLAH BLAHHHH. Everyone joined in the conversation and the only way to keep myself from falling apart was to excuse myself, and walk away. Before I left I asked her to please change the subject. That didn't work. Then I looked my sister dead-straight in the eye, and asked a second time this time a little more stern. PLEASE CHANGE the SUBJECT. Didn't work... She went into all kinds of graphic details of what it felt like for her milk to come in, the terrible sensation of dry nipples.... I just couldn't take anymore. So I walked away. I know I didn't get to nurse my child, but I do know what its like to get my milk in. And nothing is worse to have lost your baby, then have a painful reminder like breast milk, something so nurishing to a baby, let go to waste. Then binding my breasts as tightly as I could, so I'd dry up. Stuffing cabbage leaves in my bra, since old-wives tale says that works... Stepping out of the shower and dripping milk... It was tourture. How cruel could my body be to me? My body knew I had my baby, but it didn't know I lost him and didn't need breastmilk... Yes, after a year and 7 months. It still hurts.

I want to tell my sister how I felt yesterday, but I don't know that I can. She's never suffered a loss, so how can I expect her to understand? She knows how hard this pregnancy is on us, and for the most part we've been TRYING to be ok with everything. But I nearly lost it in the mall yesterday. I bit my lip, sucked up the tears, and refused to let her make me cry. Its been a long time since I've felt that helpless, and defeated. Why couldn't she just change the subject? Why is she so insensitive at times? Doesn't she know that the holiday blues on top of baby blues only makes things worse? Maybe I'm wrong for expecting her to think outside her little innocent box... Perhaps she can't see past her "rosey shades" (which she shouldn't have to) to see that life is not peachy all the time for everyone.

Anyhow... After I got home Richard held me, and let me vent some. Together we went to the cemetary, decorated Erik's place for Christmas, and that was so stress relieving. I am so thankful that I at least have a place to let go of my pain, and feel close to my baby. When I leave from there (it never fails) I always leave with peace and contentment. Its such a precious gift, it has to be from God. There's no way to explain it, its just beautiful. Its an even sweeter feeling when I see holiday decorations there, that we didn't put there. It reminds me that my precious little one is loved, and being remembered by others. Definatly another proud mommy moment for me.

worrying isn't gonna fix anything

it'll only stress me out even more.

Yesterday, I was a mess. A complete emotional disaster. I wallowed in my own self pity all day yesterday and this morning out of no where came this feeling of "everything is gonna be ok." I don't know where this came from, or why? I guess I'm not gonna question it, just enjoy it, and be thankful for another day. Last night I came to the realization that, I got delt a crappy hand, and crying about it wasn't gonna change anything. I can only try to see the good in what I've got, and be thankful that I'm not dealing with anything worse than what I already have. Birth Control isn't all that bad, its just temporary until we fix the ovary issue. I have a great RE, she knows what she's doing, and I am grateful to be under such a close watch. I also thank God that my husband and I have the great relationship we do, and have the finances to fund this on going dream. Its hard to see that the day bad news smacks ya, but I see it now. And I'm ready for the challange.

So, today after work my sister and I have a "date." We're gonna meet up at the spa, and get some MUCH needed pampering. I can't wait! We're getting mani/pedies, brows waxed and our hair cut. We've never gone together, so I'm sure we're gonna have a good time.

Hope all is well with everyone...

I can't believe I watched another

year pass by. All the while I'm still left with the thought that I might never be a mother to a living child.

As you probably guessed it, this morning's appointment didn't go well... I went in for my baseline ultrasound and my left ovary was clear, but my right ovary has a 40.5mm cyst in it (which is 1.58 inches)... So, unfortunatly I won't be able to do one last try I wanted to do this year... Which means we're out of running for a Christmas miracle... I'm upset. Hurt.. Disappointed.. And just let down, right now. I really was hopeful this month. I was so excited about doing the IUI & I was already hopeful that this would be the month for a miracle... Guess this year just wasn't my year for a baby. $&%# ! !
I hate infertility.. As if ya didn't already know that..

So. The the next step is birth control. Ironic, I know... I have to take it for 3 weeks, to try to shrink the cyst. So that puts me at 12/27 for my next appointment. Hopefully by then the cyst will be reabsorbed or at least small enough to get the ok to start injectables. The nurse told me to "look at the bright side, at least you know you can have a couple of drinks" for my birthday & Christmas. Like that's some consolation to being completely incapable of conceiving since I'm on, ahem... BIRTH CONTOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now THAT's something to drink to. Let's friggin celebrate!! Pass me a lime & double vodka why don'cha! UGHHH I'm so upset.

I hate to be the "bad news bear", so I'm gonna go now before the water works begin.
F*** infertility, F*** IT!

CD????????? ONE!!!!!

GIRLS, EXCITING NEWS!!!
I woke up this morning with a pleasant little surprise.... in my undies.
I STARTED! LOL, WOOOO HOOOO. ***doing my insanely funny but embarrassing happy dance*** Cycle Day ONE BABY, uh huh!! uh huh!!! OH YEAHHHH!!!!
I couldn't be more excited to see that AF came to visit. B!tch was late enough, but nonetheless "she's " here now and that's all that matters. Today would've CD67... Man... I guess the Prometrium did its job. I'm stoked! I called my RE, now I'm waiting on her to return my call to schedule baseline u/s & bloodwork, I'll update later.

IUI, HERE WE COME!!!! FULL SPEED AHEAD!

***** Update*****

Re called back. I have a baseline bloodwork & u/s scheduled for this Wednesday 7:15 am.
And I can discontinue Prometium pills, YAY!!!! So now, we start praying that my ovaries are clear, no cysts, so we can get started on injections.

"tars in da ky"

Earlier this week my sister showed my nephew (Jacob 20mth old) the stars. She told him that God made the sky and the stars... She told him that his cousin Erik is up there in heaven, and he is the brightest star in the sky, as she pointed towards the sky. Well. Last night she asked Jacob, just to see if he was listening, and if he remembered what they had talked about. She asked him, "Jacob, where is Erik?" And he told her, in his own little words, "tars in da ky" as he pointed up. Apparently he was listening. When my sister told me this, I had to fight back the tears. Happy Tears, that is. I was so happy to know that my baby is being talked about, loved and remembered. Its heartwarming. And it was a very proud mommy moment for me. I don't get many proud mommy moments, but when I do it stays with me for a long time.

Well, my sister told me they named their baby. His name is going to be, Lucas Levy(pronounced Levi) and her Dr. said Lucas already weighs 7 ounces. She said they chose the names because they're both biblical names, and since her other son's first & middle name start w/the same letter (Jacob Jude), they thought they'd keep that going.

Oh boy.

November 30th. Guess that means no visit from AF this month... CD63

Yesterday my sister found out, she's having a boy. Another boy, I should say. She's due in April, and both her and the baby doing well. **sigh** Good for her... I know that sounds bad.... Its just that Richard and I are having a really hard time seeing her progress with another pregnancy... Its nothing against the baby, its just... well.. ya know. I don't gotta explain, I'm sure yall understand. Infertility has so many ugly effects.

On a brighter note.

Weight watcher update. Tuesday evening I weighed in and lost
**********droll roll please************
2.8 lbs Thanksgiving weekend. YAAAAY! Total I've lost 5.2 lbs, and got my first 5 lb *Star* book mark. Hopefully there will be more celebrations to come, whether its with my weight, or my baby wait.

Cocktail of drugs

Here's a schedule I've worked out for the meds I'm on...

3 hrs before Breakfast-
Prometrium

Breakfast-
Foltabs
Halfprin
Prenatal-U

Lunch-
no pills, wooo hooo

Dinner-
Foltabs
2 pills of Metformin

3 hrs after Dinner-
Prometrium

Now if I can remember to take them all at the right time, I'll be in good shape.

Tueday

CD60, 6:45 yesterday morning I went in for bloodwork. RE confirmed, I'm not pregnant. I wasn't really surprised, cause we didn't think we were anyway. Bad part is, I didn't ovulate. Progesterone was low, crappola! So she Rx'ed me 200mg of Prometrium twice a day on an empty stomach. All my other meds have to be taken w/food, so now I have to carry around pills so I can work them all into some sort of schedule... Anyhow. Prometrium is "micronized progesterone" and is suppose to start my period. I have to take it for 10 days or until I start my period. The side effects listed seem horrible, and I'm trying not to think about them to much and just keep my focus on the positives, I'm just scared. Its like when someone starts talking about head lice, and all of a sudden your head starts itching just thinking about it... Its kinda like that, **as I scratch my head.** So far I feel ok... Last night I got a dizzy spell, but I was already in bed so I was ok. Like I said, I really just gotta stop worrying about what COULD happen so I'm not freakin myself out.

So we had a great Thanksgiving. And an really great Black Friday. I got all my Christmas shopping done. Now we just have to get our christmas tree so I can start wrapping. Which is my favorite part. My mom, sis and I all went shopping together and it was so much fun. We were good girls and didn't snatch anything away from anyone this year (kudos to us) and we didn't have to steal anything from anyone's shopping baskets... Except for a couple of movies, but that doesn't count. We had to. There weren't any more of those movies left that we..um.. borrowed, then decided to buy. But Really, it was so worth getting up early for. Oh! Ohhh! I saw two guys duke-ing it out for a Playstation 3, security kicked both men out of the store and NEITHER one of them got to buy it. It was great!

I can't believe this month is already gone... Geez. Where does the time go?! I guess we'll be doing a December IUI. If I get my visit from AF soon, I should be doing my my IUI around my birthday (December 15th) When I blow out the 26 candles, I guess we all know what my wish will be, probably the same as all you guy's birthday wishes.

Thanxgivin' Eve

Since AF hasn't shown up, am I getting a little tired of waiting & worrying, I called my RE. She told me to come in Monday morning at 6:45am for blood work. She's gonna do a pregnancy test & progesterone count. Today is CD55, and Monday will make it CD60. She's doing both tests to:
1. Check to see if we're pregnant (which I am 99% sure we aren't)
2. See what my progesterone level is "JUST IN CASE" we are pregnant.
3. If we're NOT pregnant she'll know by my progest. level if I ovulated.
4. If my progesterone number is elevated we'll know that Metformin is working and helping me O, without injections.
If we aren't pregnant, she's gonna Rx me Prometrium to induce a period. If we are pregnant... I can't even think of what that would be like.... But I really don't think we are. This is WHY.
Sept 29th CD1
Oct. 19th CBC pre-op pregnancy test came back negitive
Oct 20th I had the 2 surgeries
Abstained until Nov. 5th (CD39)
And here we are CD55, with no sign of AF. Oh well, I guess we'll see what's going on Monday. Till then we're just gonna have to sit tight, and try to have a good Thanksgiving holiday.

Speaking of, I SOOOO can't wait till Black Friday. My mom, sis & I are all going shopping, its tradition. We go every year and fight the crowds, I love it. We're the ones that they show on the news, jumping over baby stollers, stealing stuff from unattended shopping baskets (un-paid for items in the store, that is), and running through the aisles towards the hot items and grabbing 4 or 5 of everything. Its so SOoo SOOOooo much fun. Now THAT is the way to start the holiday season. Getting up at 3:30am, and getting to the stores by 4 to get in line for opening at 5. Yes, its insane, I know. But its way to much fun to not join in. We're normally done shopping by noon. Hopefully we do well.

I better wrap this up. So from mine to yours, Have a Happy & Safe Thanksgiving.

God Bless.

Monday again

So much has happened this past week... Where do I start?!

First of all, AF still isn't here. Its CD53, and I'm STILL (im)patiently waiting. I think I'm gonna call my RE. She told me to give it 2 wks from my post-op appt, and if I didn't get my period to call it in. I'm thinking this means birth control... Fingers crossed it doesn't.

Last Monday my support group Wee Care had our 9th Annual Remeberance Ceremony. The ceremony is done in honor of the babies lost during pregnancy or infancy. The ceremony was absolutely beautiful. Everything was done by the candle light and it was during sunset. It was a very emotional evening yet a very heartwarming experience. To be around so many other parents, mingling, sharing, and really connecting felt so good. We listened to a song called, "My Name" and its written in the point of view of the baby in utero. It says that he knows his parents love him, even though they don't know his name. Then it comes time for birth, and he knows its to soon. His scared, but things begin to get bright. He sees a hand reaching for him and he takes it. As he's being guided not into Dr.'s arms but into the arms of Our Father. As they approach the pearly gates they open for them. Its a really beautiful song, makes me cry every time.
Anyway, back to the cermony... It was really nice, we listened to that song, then we had a moment in silence. The glow of our candles lit the area we were in. We have a concrete bench we stood near. Its a memorial bench and we all have painted tiles with our children's name on it. Each tile is different, once we paint one, the Wee Care facilitator has them grouted & glazed over. Its really pretty. I did Erik's tile with yellow stars a baseball bat & ball and it says "Our Star" his name and birthdate. I haven't made one for my other two babies, but I've been thinking about doing a tile for them too. After the ceremony was done, we close with a prayer and if anyone wanted to share anything they could. A few girls were strong enough to talk, one being a recent bereaved mom. She miscarried her son 4 wks ago. Seeing her strength, MADE me want to share what was on my mind. I had been really hard myself for not being further along with the grieving process as what I'd like to be by now. So I shared that, even after a year and half of grieving I wasn't done. But I recently read, in the book "Lost Parenthood" that a study showed the "normal" time range for grieving the loss of a baby is 2-3 years. I don't know why, but that made me feel somewhat better. Knowing I'm not just a crazy lady, crying for my losses, that its ok to still be grieving. Even though the book said its a 2-3 year process, it also stated that its not abnormal to grieve after that point. Its just an average. After the ceremony was done, we mingled, I met some of the parents & in-laws of some of the bereaved moms. I also got to meet some of their children they had after their losses. It was enlightening to see their involvement with the ceremony. One little boy said that he sometimes dreams of how beautiful she must be in heaven. I had to fight back the tears. I can only image what its like for a child to feel the effects of a loss, along with thier parents.

Well once we left I felt really good. I felt I really got to connect with the others, and I felt really happy to have honored our angels in the way we did. Our children we lost don't get to have big birthday parties, or soccer games. We as parents of angels don't get to attend kindergarten graduations, or get handmade Mother's Day cards made with elbow noodles... This, the Rememberance Ceremony, is all we have. Its our one and only real get together with others that we have to share the special short memories we had with our baby. Its the one place you can talk so freely about your baby, and people really care, listen, and know what you are talking about.

The next day, I got an email from our Wee Care facilitator. She told me, that she noticed me hugging the mom's, and sharing & listening to their stories. She said it made her proud that Wee Care has opened me up to be a caring and supportive person. And she proposed an offer. An offer I don't think I can pass up. She told me that if I would accept the offer, she would like to hand over the Wee Care support group to, yours truly. Me!!! If I accepted she'd pay for me to attend a 2-day RTS training (Resolve Through Sharing). And she would pay for me to attend a facilatator training course.
I WAS SO EXCITED! I can't believe this. This is so HUGE for me. Wee Care is such an established group, with so many caring individuals, and support. I was speechless. I'm still speechless. I haven't given her an answer yet, only because I have some questions before I say yes. She did tell me that I would have a co-facilitator to help me, so that's good. I really want to talk to her about my husband and I, TTC again. I wouldn't feel right hosting support group meetings with a pregnant growing belly, IF we were to get pregnant. That wouldn't be fair for them to have to see me progress through a pregnancy after losing theirs. I know how hard it is, because my sister is pregnant again. So I'd like to get her input on that.
Her plans are to hand the group over for 2008. This coming year would be her last, she formed this group and this coming year would be the 10th year in opperation.

Saturday was my Spa Party. It was great, I have a good turn out and got some free spa stuff for hosting the party & sales. I can't wait to get the rest of my stuff, so I could start to pamper myself a little more.

Oh, and my weightwatcher update. Last week I lost 3.6 lbs!!!! YAY!
So far, so good. I'm a little worried about blowing it for Thanksgiving, but we'll see.

Monday

This weekend went so fast. Saturday I went to a Tupper.ware party, drank a glass of Merlot, and Sunday I went to a Pamper.ed chef party and drank a glass of Strawberry White Zinfandel. (My absolute favorite!) I coulda drank the entire bottle by myself, but due to metformin, weight watchers, and the fact that I had to drive myself home; I was a good girl and stopped after glass #1.

Tonight at 6:30 we're having our candle light Rememberance Ceremony. This will be our second one to attend since we lost Erik. Last year's ceremony was really nice. They had a butterfly release, and it was beautiful to see them fly out all together. I'm hoping they do that again. Its such an emotional, but heartwarming event. So this evening I will be thinking about my angels, as well as yours.

Today's CD46, and we're still waiting for AF... As soon as "she" makes an appearance we can get started on our next cycle of ttc... I'm such an impatient person (hey, at least I can admit it), but in a small way I'm glad she's taking her time. Its giving me some time to convince myself that we should do an IUI this next cycle. I still have a couple of personal doubts about wanting to do it. And I'm kinda scared of what the procedure will be like... I know it won't hurt any more than what I've already been through, but I'm still kinda nervous about it.

My Son

I talk a lot about my son Erik. So I figured I'd share his resting place with yall. Here's where my son, Erik Michael Gonzales, rests.

I spend so much time out here. Sometimes I take a blanket out there and I lay back on the grass next to him and talk to him. On holidays, we take him fresh flowers, "boy"stuffed animals, and balloons. And we make wishes of gifts for God to give him, that are age appropriate for what he would've been. Its just so peaceful out there. Its so open, and free. I've never felt comfortable in a cemetary before, until my baby was buried here. Here is the place where I feel the closest to him. When I miss him, had a stressful day, got good or bad news, I go here to spend time with him. When I'm there my joys are when his pinwheels goes from a still position to spinning so fast it rattles, my joys are when the sun peeks around from the clouds and casts rays in the sky, my joys are when the sun is setting and he shows me that pink and orange really do look good together, my joys are when the wind blows and dries my tears. Its like he's telling me in his own little way that he hears me, loves me, doesn't want me to cry for him anymore.



I know its hard to see his marker through all the stuffed animals & flowers... But its got a blue bow tied to it, if you didn't see it yet. I just love the big blue bunny. On the star on his blue bunny say's "Jesus love me" and when you press it, it plays the song.

God, I so love this baby, I really do. He was, and will forever be my special little boy. Its amazing the love we have for him. The day of his burial, I let him go. But in my heart I will never let him go.

I wish I could show you what I mean about it being so peaceful. Ya really wouldn't get it, unless you've been there before. Jenna knows what I mean. She's come to visit my son once, and when we left she told me it really is a peaceful place. Its so quiet. Its like the world is in slow motion, but time flies. And the only thing thats around you is grass, the sun and the wind. Its a breath of fresh air, and so relaxing to be there. I used to be scared to be in a cemetary, but that has changed. There's nothing creepy or scary about it. There, I'm surrounded by peace, beauty, and genuine love and there's nothing scary or creepy about that.

Thanks to all that have helped and continue to help me through the grief. I don't know where I'd be without the love and support.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Erik Michael Gonzales

Born and passed May 27, 2005

at 12:06pm

Weighing 13.6 ounces, 10 inches long

Taking a baby step for my baby

I decided its time for me to get healthy again. Actually its passed that time, but I gotta start somewhere so that our next baby will have the best start he/she or THEY can have. This past year, I gained so much. I quit caring and was so depressed with losing my son, that I lost myself in the process. Its been a year and half since we lost him, and still it hurts really bad. Some days my heart hurts like the day I held him in my arms, I really can't think about it to much or I'll cry again... I'm a little upset with myself that I'm not doing better than I am. I'd thought by now I'd better, but I'm not. I don't blog about it much, because it the same ole thing. I miss him, I love him, I still can't believe he's gone, and I'll never hold him again. I know he's in a better place, I know I'll hold him again in heaven, I know he loves me as much as I love him, and I know I just have to give myself time... I know. But it still hurts.

So... To get my mind off of my pain for a little while I decided it was time that I start to take care of myself. For to long I've put off exercising, and I remember how well I slept when I did. I've put off eating healthy & drinking water, and I remember how well I felt and how good my skin looked when I did... I have to start to get myself back together again. I think feeling better about myself, sleeping better, looking better may help me move forward. Hell, I know that may sound stupid, but I've got it in my mind that my future baby's health is at stake here. I HAVE to do this for my baby.

So, last night I took a baby step for my future baby and joined weight watchers.

Today is going well. I had a good lunch, and its now 4:00 and I've resisted hittin up the vending machine. So yay for me.

**update** Post Op appt

My appt went well. My RE showed me color pictures of my insides, which btw were AWESOME!!!! I got to see what my ovaries, fallopian tubes & uterus looked like. I do have a pretty uterus, she told me I did a while back, and now that I saw it, I agree. Its so pink & round. It would be even prettier with a baby in there, but oh well. We'll get there.

Q1. What was removed during my surgery?
A. Biopsy report states it was endometrial polyps. Both polyps were removed from the inside of my fallopian tubes. The polyps were acting as veils (like a wedding veil) shielding the opening to my uterus. Kinda like "leaves in the gutters". The sperm can't swim thru it, egg can't get passed it, therefore preventing me from getting pregnant.

Q2. Now that its removed, are my chances increased for a ectopic pregnancy?
A. No, not any higher of a chance as before the surgery.

Q3. What are the chances of this coming back?
A. If we were to have a couple more miscarriages (which of course isn't on the agenda) then there is a chance of the endometrial polyps returning. But other than that, they shouldn't come back. We're gonna keep an eye out for them, just in case.

Q4. What's Next?
A. Wait for AF. Give her 1-2 weeks to make an appearance, and if she's a no show. I'll get a prescription to MAKE her come.

Q5. Once AF starts, what's the plan? Are we gonna do a cycle of just drugs like before? Or are we gonna do an IUI?
A. IUI. There's no sense in putting it off and waiting another month to do it. Doing an IUI will increase our chances greatly now that my tubes are cleared, and now that we know Richard's S/A came out great. There's nothiing holding us back from conceiving... Well, it is up to God's timing of course, but it wouldn't hurt to help things along if we can.

I had a couple other less important Questions that she answered, but all in all. After she did a pelvic exam, looked @ my incisions, she told me I healed very well. And she gave me the Green Light to resume to normal activities, including sex. WOO HOOO!!!


Oh, I almost forgot. She gave me an Rx for metformin. She said I've got a touch of insulin resistance and that should fix me right up.

Post-Op appt.

Today's CD40. And I don't know where the heck AF is. I don't even feel her coming, its weird. I'm not so worried about it, I'm just tired of being prepared everyday for nothin'.

At 1:45 this afternoon I have my post-op appt. I'm so anxious, I have TONS of questions.
Like (most importantly) What's Next? I'm wondering if she's gonna suggest going on with an IUI? Or since my fallopian tube(s) was blocked, and the surgery fixed it, if she's gonna suggest one more cycle of Gonal-f injections just for good measure... Either way I'm ok with whatever my RE suggests. I'm just ready to get the show on the road here. With only one more month left in this year, SOMEONE's gotta get the last BFP. And I totally don't mind if its Me! :)

What a weekend. Saturday Richard and I started our Christmas shopping, we did ok. We're done with 2 of our 7 nieces & nephews. We got a long way to go, but I refuse to stress about that. I've got other more important things going on to stress about. And Christmas isn't one of them. Yet.

Yesterday I had a Birthday party at my house for my Dad. He turns 52 today. It was fun, we had a fish fry and had TONS of shrimp. We had Shrimp gumbo, fried shrimp, boiled shrimp, grilled shrimp lol I sound like Bubba Gump! But really we had shrimp prepared just about every way I can think of, just about. It was so good. And my brother & his wife came over to my house for the first time. My brother really liked my house, it made me feel so proud. Then he pissed me off... Ok. When you show someone your house for the first time, do you think its rude for them to ask how much you paid for it? I do. That's like asking my husband, "How much did you spend on the engagement ring or wedding ring?" That's Rude! My response was, "Richard and I haven't told anyone what we paid for our house, not even our parents. Since no one pays our bills or helped us buy it, we keep it between us. But we did get a good deal." I know that probably sounds a bit rude, but its true. I wasn't trying to offend him, and I can understand his curiosity, but there's some things that you just shouldn't ask.

So after all the guests were gone, I was exhausted. I had enough strength to take the trash out so my house wouldn't smell fishy in the morning, while Richard washed the last few dishes.

It was a short weekend because we stayed busy, so this morning was a t-shirt & ponytail day. I'm so tired.

(A bit of TMI)
Oh, and yesterday we broke the abstainance record. lol.
We figured a day before the appt wouldn't hurt anything. Heck, we were good for making it this long without. We deserved a little fun. And it was groundbreaking, leg shaking goooood.

Have a great Monday. I'll update after I get back from my appt.

Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead)

Yesterday was just a bad day for me. I called my hubby after blogging and he calmed me down some, enough to go back to work and finish out the day. I was feeling so sad, I was sick to my stomache, dizzy, out of breath, and nauseas. I just worked myself up I nearly had an anxiety attack.

When I'm really stressed out, or just down in the dumps, I put on my favorite relaxing CD "Come away with me" by Nora Jones. That CD has some mileage on it! If I had to choose one CD in the world to hear over & over it would be Nora Jones. There's something about it that no other CD can do to me, its so frickin relaxing. Song 1 "Don't know why" gets my attention, song 2 "Seven Years" makes me clear my mind, song 3 "Cold Cold heart" I'm starting to relax, song 4 "Feeling the same way" I'm relaxed and starting to sing along because I can relate to that song, song 5 "Come away with me" I'm singing along, song 6-14 I'm enjoying the CD and sometimes I'm ready to hear it all over again before its even over. I just never get tired of it, I absolutely love it. I should make a copy of the CD, heaven forbid anything every happen to this one. So yesterday I had a "double dose" of Nora Jones, and it worked.

Today my day is going much better, this far.

Today happens to be El Dia De Los Muertos (The Day of the Dead) which is a Mexican holiday. So I'm wearing my purple ribbon in honor of the loved ones I've lost.
This holiday goes back to more than 500 years ago, when the Spanish Conquistadors landed in what is now Mexico, they encountered natives practicing a ritual that seemed to mock death.
It was a ritual the indigenous people had been practicing at least 3,000 years. A ritual the Spaniards would try unsuccessfully to eradicate.
A ritual known today as Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead.
The ritual is celebrated in Mexico and certain parts of the United States, including the Valley.
Although the ritual has since been merged with Catholic theology, it still maintains the basic principles of the Aztec ritual, such as the use of skulls. Today, people don wooden skull masks called calacas and dance in honor of their deceased relatives. The skulls were used to symbolize death and rebirth.

Unlike the Spaniards, who viewed death as the end of life, the natives viewed it as the continuation of life. Instead of fearing death, they embraced it. To them, life was a dream and only in death did they become truly awake.

However, the Spaniards considered the ritual to be sacrilegious. They perceived the indigenous people to be barbaric and pagan. In their attempts to convert them to Catholicism, the Spaniards tried to kill the ritual. But like the old Aztec spirits, the ritual refused to die.
To make the ritual more Christian, the Spaniards moved it so it coincided with All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day (Nov. 1 and 2), which is when it is celebrated today.
Previously it fell on the ninth month of the Aztec Solar Calendar, approximately the beginning of August, and was celebrated for the entire month. Festivities were presided over by the goddess Mictecacihuatl. The goddess, known as "Lady of the Dead," was believed to have died at birth.
Today, Day of the Dead is celebrated in Mexico and in certain parts of the United States and Central America. It's celebrated different depending on where you go.
In rural Mexico, people visit the cemetery where their loved ones are buried. They decorate gravesites with marigold flowers and candles. They bring toys for dead children and bottles of tequila to adults. They sit on picnic blankets next to gravesites and eat the favorite food of their loved ones.

Here the people spend the day in the cemetery, and the graves are decorated real pretty by the people.

In the United States and in Mexico's larger cities, families build altars in their homes, dedicating them to the dead. They surround these altars with flowers, and pictures of the deceased. They light candles and place them next to the altar.


Rest in Peace.
My beloved son
Erik Michael Gonzales
Born and passed May 27, 2005

Baby Gonzales
miscarried March 3, 2004

Baby Gonzales
miscarried July 3, 2004

Baby Jennie (my mom's baby girl she lost before me)
Born sleeping: August 1978

To all my loved ones that have passed.
And to all my friend's loved ones that have passed.

May God's peace and love fill the hearts of those whom have lost someone they truly love.

November 1st

So now that October has come and gone I realized today that I didn't have a period in October. My LMP was Sept.29th, so that makes today CD34. AF isn't that late, but now I'm wondering if the surgery messed up my cycle. I guess its not a big deal if it did, but now I'm in the woods about when AF's gonna show up. The average length of my cycles, over a 16 month period of time is 30.375 days... Call it obsessive of me, but yes I've kept up with my cycle days for over 16 months straight. And I hate that there wasn't a BFP anywhere in those last 16 months.

Oh my god, Oh. My God. Panic attack!!!!!!!!!!! breathe...... Breathe.. Breathe Its gonna be ok.

I seriously an having a lot on anxiety today. One of the gals here at work mentioned there was 4 paychecks left before Christmas. OMG. I haven't even started shopping. What's wrong with me, everyone else has at least started.

But before Christmas is Thanksgiving. Its up in the air if its gonna be at my house this year. I really, REALLY don't want it to be. But two weeks ago it stormed & flooded, my parents evacuated to my house for 3 days, and when they went home they found the roof had collapsed in the living room. So they're repairing the roof, and after they do that they have to replace the floors, carpet, and couches. So I'm sure my house is gonna come up in the Thanksgiving plans.

So many holidays are coming, and I'm not ready. I'm not. God, I miss my baby Erik so much. I feel like such a terrible mommy to him because I haven't even ordered his headstone. What kinda mother am I? (tears rolling down my face)
Damnit.
There are babies that were buried after my son, and they already have their headstones, and my poor baby doesn't have his yet. Why can't I just commit myself to one design and just order it? Why am I being so picky? It shouldn't matter to me what it looks like, its not for me, its for him. That's IT! That. Is. IT! I'm taking a day off. I declare Novemeber 17th is Jennie & Erik's day. I'm gonna go to that headstone place, and I'm gonna tell him what I want and have it made. I'm tired of looking, and feeling so guilty about him still having his temporary marker. Its been 1 year & 6 months, today, since we laid him to rest. I have to see his name in stone. I have to. My baby deserves the best, and its about I give it to him. I know I'll never have the chance to buy him a graduation ring, or car. So this is it. This is the only purchase I will EVER get to make for him that is a big one. I have to trust I'm making the right decision on the design & color. I know its not gonna be an easy choice for me, because its to permanant, but its time. I have to get this for him now. If I want him to have it before his 2nd Birthday, I have to do this now.

YAY! Its Halloween

HAPPY Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope your day is a Spoooooktacular one with lots of sweets surprises.

This morning I came to work with my cute-sy halloween treats and they were a hit. I handed them out wearing my old lady mask and it had the girls laughing. It was so much fun. Everyone brought treats, and surprisingly not all were candy. One gal gave out halloween mugs filled with granola bars and a halloween pencil & halloween straw. Another gal gave out individual carmel dip and an apple tied on top with a orange ribbon, she even decorated the apple to be a jack-o-lantern, its really cute. They look like girl jack-o-lantern with big bow on it's head. My boss gave out orange bath poofs with french vanilla bean Bath & Body works bubble bath. The rest of the gals gave out candy goodie bags, cupcakes & cookies. My boss had on a masquerade sequin mask on, and my other boss had on a Jason hocky mask. Other than them two, I was the only other one that had a mask & dressed up. So we took pictures together. I know now I probably look like a kiss as$, but it wasn't planned. It just worked out that way. Anyhow.

I better get to work. Again, its before 10am and we've all managed to get back up on that sugar high.

Have a Great Day!

Halloween Eve

Its not even 10 am yet, and we've all managed to get ourselves on a nice little sugar high here at work. One of the gals brought chocolate cupcakes frosted w/oreo cookie crumbles for dirt and gummie worms, and a couple of 2 liter sodas... We're bad.

This weekend I made my halloween treats for tomorrow's office party. They're super cute! I made (stampin up) cardstock black pocket boxes with embossed shiny orange pumpkins & blk/white gingham ribbon, and orange ribbon. I just LOVE them. I can't wait to give them out. One of the gals I work with does crafts and we have just a tiny bit of friendly competition between us. But my crafts are always better than hers, cause I'm just good like that!
Well I am. Can't a girl toot 'er horn every once in a while?! :) Toot TOOooT!

Today I'm working the second half of the day in a different office. YAY! That office is way closer to home. Maybe I'll pay my hubby a little visit at his work to take him a treat. ME!

Ok woman to women, this abstaining thing is getting really hard. We're not suppose to till after my post-op appt, but I don't know how much longer we can hold out. We almost caved, ok I almost caved yesterday. Richard's been so kissy kissy on me, and its killin' me. I politely asked him to stop, and he's like... "I can't help it, I'm just 'lovin you lots & lots.' (phrase we use from a song in the movie, "That Thing You Do.") This is sad, but seriously last night I prayed for the desire to go away. I ended up falling asleep praying, so I guess God heard me.
Gah, its not suppose to be this tough. I've lived the majority of my life without it, what's my problem that I can't hold off a couple wks?! I'm so weak. If Richard caves, we're in trouble.
Next Monday is my post-op appt. I can't promise that we'll make it till then, but we're definatly gonna try.

Day 7 Post-Op

My incisions are healing and the pain & swelling is pretty much gone. Still have a little pain when I bend down to pick up something floor level, but other than that, all is well. My belly button incision looks the best, the bruise is now in the yellow stage so its looking somewhat better. (Yellow is still yuck, but its better than dark purple bruises) The lower incision looks good too, just not as good as the other. It looks like ------ that long. My only problem with that one now is that the area on either side of the incision is getting irratated from the adhesive from the bandages, and it itches. I'm trying not to scratch but sometimes I just can't help it. I know scratching is bad and it only makes the skin more sensitive, but its so itchy.

Off the subject... November 18th I'm having a spa party at my house, and I'm getting really excited about it. The last one I went to (was the first one I went to) was so much fun! It was SOooo relaxing, and such a treat to get pampered for the afternoon. I've been using all the facial clensing stuff, and I'm actually seeing a huge improvement. My complextion is clear, my pores are not as noticable. My sister is using the same as me, and she loves it too. With her being pregnant her hormones haven't been nice to her face. She said that when she uses it religiously she sees the difference. My mom (whom never wears makeup or uses anything other than normal body soap to wash her face) started using the "gold" line for over 40 women and she loves it. She has sun freckles, and she said that its actually lightened her freckles giving her a more even skin tone. Anyhow, enough bout that.

This weekends plans... Make my halloween treats for co-workers and do some house cleaning.

Richard's The MAN!!!!

lol He asked me to title this entry like that.

I just got a call from my RE regarding Richard's SA.

9% morphology____________ >4 is normal
8 pH_____________________ 7.1-8.2 is normal
1.4 vol.___________________ 1-6 is normal
60% motility_______________ 60% is the normal range
295 million total concentration____ 20-150 million is normal
248 million moving sperm = A+

I told Richard and he yelled, "YEAHHHHHHH!! I'M THE MANNNNNN!" LOL.
He's so proud of himself, now he's all cocky! (No pun intented.)

I'm just glad his #'s are ok. Now that I know he's ok, and I've had the surgeries and should be ok. I'm really anxious to get started TTC again. This was the little-picker-upper we needed. Or in Richard's case, the BIG picker-upper! LOL

Day 4 Post-Op

I'm back to work. Yesterday I had my RE fax over a medical release to my work so I can return today, so I'm back in action! I'm doing pretty good (so far) just really glad to be out of the house, and away from Day Time TV. Man, it was bad. I didn't realize how many crap shows go on during the day, till I was forced to sit, rest and relax on the couch. I really wanna be a stay a home mom... But I'm thinking about chaning that title to something more along the lines of... Shopping Soccer Mom, or Mall Shoppin' Momma. Well, now that I think about it, I'm sure the little one(s) would be keeping me busy enough to not have time to watch day time tv... I hope.

Richard had his appointment. I went with him as moral support and I think just me being there made it rough for him. He said it didn't, but I feel it did. He got his cup & instructions and we were put in this huge dr. office room. It had a small chair, and an examining table in it... Nothing else. No visual aids, like I expected, or anything... Poor guy. He was so nervous, and I was nervous for him. I tried turning off the lights, but that made it WAY to dark and he was worried about spilling or missing... There were so many people walking by the door, and talking in the halls... It really made it difficult for him. I won't go into anymore details, but he did it, finally. He said it wasn't his best, but he did it. So I'm proud of him. He was under so much pressure. I had to be at the hospital at 11:30 for check in, so he was really rushed to produce his sample. And with it being his first time to do that, and being under so much pressure... He's a real trooper.

We got to the hopsital, got checked in, and I slipped into the "fashionable" hospital gown. We waited about an hour in little holding area. When it was time to go, Richard gave me a good bye/good luck kiss and when I opened my eyes, we both had tears in our eyes. I could see the fear in his eyes, and I know he could see mine. I just said a quick prayer, and took a couple of deep breaths of the "oxygen" and drifted off to La-La Land. Anesthesia sleep is the deepest sleep one could experience. I lost track of time, day, everything. And I never dream while I'm under. Its just enough time to close your eyes, and open them and its all over. No pain, no recollection of what just happened, its so weird. I guess that's why its so scary.

After the surgery my RE showed Richard some color pictures of what my insides looked like, then what they looked like after the surgery was done. Apparently, from what little info I can gather from Richard, I had adhesions (scar tissue) blocking my fallpian tube(s) (don't know if it was one or both) But after it was removed the blue dye ran through like it was suppose to. And I had additional adhesions on my uterus. I think... Richard didn't ask her any questions, and didn't really hear anything my RE had to say just that I was ok, and the surgery was successful. I have a post-op appt scheduled for November 6th, and I guess I'll just save my questions till then.

The first night was a bad night. Once the pain medication wore off, I was hurting. Hydrocodone was my saving grace and I spend those first two days & nights on the living room recliner. Getting the bandages off my incisions wasn't fun. One incision is in my belly button, and that one looks really good. Ya can't even see it. I know where its at only because its bruised there. And the bottom incision is doing well too. That one is on the pubic bone area, and the only problem with that one is that when I stand or sit, and the transition between the two, it hurts. It bled a little more than the belly button incision, but its not as bruised as my belly button incision. Yesterday I called my RE's office and begged a nurse to send my work a medical release. My job isn't a very physical one, so I promised her I'd take it really easy here, and I am. Its so good to be back in the groove of normal work. Its healing on my mind.

Thanks for all the prayers & support.

Surgery Day--nervous aimless rambling

Yesterday I went to my pre-op appt and watched 2 dvd's on the surgeries. Both were really good, and pretty informative. The best part is that they actually managed to calm my nerves a little. After the mountain of paperwork was signed at my RE's office I went next door to the hospital to get pre-registered. Man, now THAT was a lot of paperwork & forms... It made me feel like we're closing on another house, how much crap I had to sign & initial. Anywho.
Richard's appointment (to leave his contribution) is at 11:00am at my RE's office, and I have to be at the hospital at 11:30am for check-in. I'm HOPING he'll be "done" by then. He should!

My surgery time got moved up, it was suppose to be at 2:30 and it got moved up to 1:30. The scheduling chick told me that the cerclage surgery she had to do before me, is now gonna be a D&C surgery. My heart sank... Another woman just lost their baby... And I prayed for her.

But I'm feeling ok today. Still nervous, but now its more of a determined feeling. Determined to get this over with so we can move on. I hate worrying. I worried so much I have a nice pimple on my cheek to show for it. DAMN! But I'll be ok... I hope I will... Yea. I'll be ok.

Jenna, if you could ever so kindly to be my contact chica, and post after my surgery is done. I'll have Richard call ya as soon as I wake up. Thanks girlfriend! You're the best!
LOL, like how I ASSUMED you'd say Yes! Heee hee hee. I knew you would.

Anyhow. It's getting close to 9:30 and I'm STARVING!!!!! At 11:54 last night I woke up to have a bowl of Lucky Charms because my cut off time to eat was midnight. It reminded me of being in High School again. Before any competition it was tradition that our dance team would snack on Lucky Charms for Good Luck. Gah, I keep catching myself wondering over to the dang kitchen... I knew I shouldn't of baked those chocolate chip cookies Thursday... They're torturing me! All wrapped up on that cute cookie plate...

I better start getting ready. I can't wear any make-up (dr.'s orders) so I guess I oughta at least do my hair.

I'm glad I did take the day off work... I'd be a basketcase there.

When my RE makes an incision on my stomach she's probably gonne see the butterflies I have in there. lol I'm just so nervous.

Please send your prayers.

Sorry bout the aimless ramblings, its my nerves.

I love you guys, and appriciate all the love, support and most importantly the prayers.

Hugs to all,
Jennie

Un Sure-gery day is coming

I'm sure the procedures will go ok, I'm just nervous about the anestesia. That's the only thing that has me freakin' out.

A couple days ago Richard and I had "the talk". We have "the talk" anytime one of us is gonna have surgery and be put under anesthesia. We talk about what the other should do in case something was to happen, if God decides its time to go. And this time, for the first time, I told him I'd want him to remarry. He is such a wonderful man, I'd want him to love, and be loved. And perhaps one day be the dad. Even if it is without me, I would want for him to be happy and share that love. I know it sounds a little extreme to be having that kinda talk when its just outpatient/minor surgeries, but ya never know.

Tomorrow I have a pre-op appointment at 1:15 to discuss what the plans are, and to watch 2 dvd's, 1 on each procedure. And I have to sign all the consents for my RE. I'll post tomorrow when I get back from my appt.

my weekend

This weekend went ok. Friday evening Richard went to my sister's house for a Texas Hold'em tournament. While the guys were there she (and my nephew) came to my house and ended up spending the night. She didn't talk much about her being pregnant, but the next morning at breakfast Jacob pointed to her belly, and says "be-le". She was like, "Yea that's momma's belly, and what's in momma's belly? A baby..." And Jacob repeats baaaaaby.
I'm like great. You taught your 18 month old that there's a baby in there, now whats gonna happen if God forbid you lose the baby? Huh? Ever thought about that? Nooooo. Of course not. You're young, and stupid, and nothing will ever happen like that. HELLLOOOO!!! OPEN YOUR FRICKIN EYES!!!!! Your sister, of your own flesh & blood, has problems maintaining a pregnancy and you just forget (or don't care) and treat this pregnancy like any ole' pregnancy. Yea, I know worrying about it isn't gonna help... But $HIT at least be cautious with what you expose you child to. UGGHHHH. She pi$ses me off sometimes...

Saturday we laid around the house, napped and watched tv. It rained so we spend that day just cuddling.

Sunday we went to a BBQ at Richard's sister's house. Her husband BBQ'd chicken, mushroom & shrimp kabobs. We went over and watched the Texans vs. Cowboys football game and we oinked out on junk food. The Texans got their as$es handed to them, as usual, but that's ok. I'm a true blue, and stick to my team through thick & thin. TEXANS ALL THE WAY BABY!

Today was suppose to be our Candlelit Remeberance Ceremony with our support group. But since its raining & flooding in the area its postponed till November 13th. Also, today is Erik's EDD, and had he been born on his EDD he'd be a year old today... I'm doing ok. Just keeping myself busy and I'm not really thinking a whole lot about it. Just trying to get through the day.

week away

Gosh, its been a hectic week. Last week my boss asked for a volunteer to work in a different office to fill in for a girl that's gonna be out. Of course, me being the nice person I am, I volunteered. So they're paying my gas & milage, woo-hooo!

Anyhow... I didn't know how much work would be involved or what I would be responsible for, but apparently I have some HUGE shoes to fill here. This one lady is taking 2 wks off, and she runs the entire department of servicemen BY HER SELF!!! So here I am, little ole' me, not knowing what to do, how to do it, and who to ask for help... Lets just say, its been a long week. Friday is my last day doing this, so Monday I'll be back to my normal office again. And the crazy thing is, I'm actually looking forward to going back. (oh, gah..Did I just say that?)

Don't get me wrong now, the guys here are super sweet (almost a bit flirty) but they're much older, old enough to be my dad, and they're MARRIED, VERRRY MARRIED. LIKE MEEEEE! But what women doesn't like a little tiny bit of extra attention? But I've been a good girl and haven't paid them much attention... lol Its like that commercial for diet coke. The muscular hot & sweaty construction worker walks by the window just so the office full of women can gawk at him... And you can't help but to "admire" him but wouldn't DARE get caught lookin' or admit to lookin'. LOL Its kinda like that. Oh hell, we're all women here. Ok there's this one, dark hair, hazel eyes, and he's got a cute tight little... uh, I better just stop, I'm gonna get myself into trouble. You know where I was goin' with that one!

funeral

This afternoon we went to Richard's cousin's funeral & burial. Sally was 36 years old, survived by her husband of 6 years and son of18mths. She and her husband TTC for 3 yrs, got pregnant but sadly miscarried. The baby they have now is an IVF baby. Sally passed away on Oct 2nd, from a rare heart disease she was diagnosed with 4 wks ago. Originally her Dr. told her she had a year to live, but God had other plans. The services were nice, but so sad. She was laid to rest at Oak Park cemetary, about 10 yards away from my son. I'm glad my son will have some family near by.

Richard's taking it ok. He's just become extra clingy, which I don't mind. Last night he woke up every couple of hrs and hugged me, or brushed the hair away to kiss my forehead and cheeks. He snuggled up a little more than he usually does... This morning I asked how he was feeling because I didn't think he sleept very well. He said all night he was thinking of what Sally's husband must be going through. And that he hopes he never has to experience that. Death has a way of reminding us that life is short. Anytime someone dies, we always get reminded not to take life for granted, and to tell your loved ones that you love them. I know I don't say it often enough but, I am so grateful for the friends and family I have. Life is hard at times, and I don't know how of if I'd be able to make it without. Life is just to short to take for granted and to hold grudges. Because ya never know if the last "I love you" or "good-bye" you tell someone is the last.

I love you all.

Date is set

I called my RE's office and scheduled my appointments. Thursday Oct. 19that 1:15pm I have a pre-op appt. I have to watch a dvd about both the surgeries, and sign all consents. Then I have to go next door, to the hospital to sign all consents there.

Surgery day is October 20th at 2:30pm. I have to be there 2 hrs prior for paper work & prepping. I'm taking a half day off work Thursday, all day Friday & Monday. And I should be back to work Tuesday the 24th if all goes well.

But I'm so nervous. I know its not "major" surgery, but it still scares me. I hate going under anesthesia, its so scarey feeling like I have no control over my body. I know ultimately we don't have control, but I like to feel like I do somewhat.
Richard has been so clingy lately. He's home today from work, he's running fever again. He was sick all weekend, and it looks like he's relapsed. He wants me to make him soup, but he doesn't want me to leave his side. He wants me to rub his tummy, and take his temp... I have him so spoiled rotten, but he babys me when I'm sick so I have to baby him too.

Anyhow... Today won't go by fast enough. I'm so ready to go home. My head feels like its gonna explode, with this migraine. Took 2 Advils and its not working fast enough... I'm so impatient.

2 SURGERIES and a partridge in a pear tree.

This afternoon I had a sit down consultation appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist Dr. Schnell. It went ok. My start date with her was August 26, 2004, and because we are here over two years later with no baby we're gonna have to start moving a little quicker. Which is fine by me, but still makes be a bit nervous. So here's the plan of action.

Because our last pregnancy was unsuccessful due to the infection, that may have caused some problems. My uterine tissue could be inflamed, not so much to show up on ultrasound or bloodwork, but enough to prohibit implantation for embryo(s). The infection could have also caused adhesions (scar tissue) to develop and can block my fallopean tubes, not allowing egg(s) to ovulate. Oct 16, 2004 I had a hysteroscopy (surgery) to remove a fibroid from my uterine lining which was thought to have been the culprit for my first two miscarriages. Because I have that history that needs to be looked at again. So, in the next two weeks I'm going to have to have 2 surgeries, a hysteroscopy and a laproscopy. Because I need both surgeries, they'll be done one after the other, while I'm under anesthisia. Its an out patient surgery so it'll be done on a Friday morning, and I'll be released that evening. That same day, Richard's gonna have a SA done. So he'll have to provide his "specimen". (If ya know what I mean.) That way by the time I'm healed and ready to attempt the next cycle in a month we'll know how "his guys" are doing.

Once the surgeries are done, I heal. Mid-November we'll attempt another cycle. This time we're going to do an IUI, intrauterine insimination. I'd do my injections just like before to grow the follicles, once they're mature I do the trigger shot and ovuate. (All this is what we've been doing before.) The procedure will be done inner-office and I stay laying down for a while, then I can go back to work. So when the egg(s) comes down, hopefully they meet, hopefully they fertilize and HOPEFULLY they implant in my uterus. And hopefully we can hang on to our sanity for the 9 more months to meet the baby(ies). :)

I'm hopeful, if ya can't tell. Yea, I'm nervous about doing two surgeries at once, but if that's what we have to do... Then by God we will.

P.S. I'll update yall to let you know when the surgery is scheduled for. I'm gonna try to schedule it for the 20th.

pms hormones and venting...

The holidays are just around the corner, and we're not really looking forward to them. I feel so sad that I haven' t decided on a design for a headstone for Erik. Our little angel will have spend another Christmas without one, all because I'm not willing to commit to one design... I'm such a bad mommy.

In January it'll be 3 years that we've been trying for a baby. Its so tiring, and its robbing us from our 20's. Its such a dark place. I know we're aren't alone in this journey, but it feels like we are. Tuesday at lunch, Richard told me, he wants his wife back. Can you imagine what that must feel like? Not just hearing that from your husband, but imagine what he's going through to say something like that to me. He didn't want to hurt me by saying it, I know it was a just genuine feeling that came out. And he's right. I want my husband back to. I feel like this is a personal war we're fighting against infertility, and no one can help. Everyone is on the sidelines watching, telling us to have faith and cheering us on, but no one can help. The Dr's and specialists are there to set up strategic plans for us to try something different to defeat this monster. But at the same time Richard and I are side by side taking bullets to the chest and we can't do anything but just take the pain, try to help each other while we keep fighting. Till either one of two things happen. Either we have a miracle child by the mercy and grace of God's hand. Or we let this beat us, and give in and let it crush us till we die together drained emotionally and physically, childless and grieving for our losses. Not only for the babies we lost, but lost-parenthood, lost-love that we'll never share with a child of our blood, lost-experience of being in labor and giving life to a kicking screaming baby, lost-faith in all that is good, lost-years that we spent fighting this war against something that was gonna beat us anyway, the lose of innocence that we could succeed if we had faith and love in our hearts. There are so many losses that go along with this. Every day feels like another day gone, and we're closer to the end. I can't give up and give in this easily I have to fight, give it my all and hope that if there is a plan for us (like everyone keep telling us there is) that it involves a happy ending. I have to do it for the man that stands by my side taking the same bullets I'm taking and keeps fighting for me. If there is a point to this personal war we didn't want to fight but chose to, I just hope that it ends in our favor. It would make this fight so worth the time and energy... I guess only time will tell.

Electric guitar & CD1

Weird mix, huh! LOL
Yesterday after work Richard got "an itch" and wanted a new electric guitar. Which is fine, however he doesn't know how to play one... So off to the music store we go. We got word from a reliable sourse that H&H music stores are going out of business and are clearancing all their inventory. So we went. They had 5 guitars to choose from that were all over a thousand dollars... NOT HAPPENING! So we went to the Guitar Center "just to look" (yea right). The salesman that helped him of course wanted to sell him the most expensive guitar. Which I was not gonna let slide, so we agreed on getting a good guitar, not the cheapest ($99) one but not the most expensive one either ($5,000). So he ended up really liking one that was in the budget, and the salesman agreed it was a good one to start learning on, so he got it. So all evening he was tuning it, which wasn't to earpiercing because he doesn't have an amp, yet. But today he's going to pick up his brother's extra one he's letting him borrow. UGH, thanks a lot Brother in law! I've gotta stock up on earplugs now.


This morning AF woke me up.
I called the nurse triage line to report it, and the nurse just returned the call back. She suggested that I keep my Monday appointment for the consultation, which will be CD5 and see what my RE wants to do. I mentioned to her that since I have enough Gonal-F for another round/month of injections I'd like to do that if we can, just so it all doesn't go to waste. She said she's seen my RE start patients on CD5 before so we'll just wait and see.

I'm actually glad AF is here, because she's RIGHT on time. Which is unusual.
Guess I've just got the "get'er done" attitude, so we can get moving on to the next cycle.

Retail Therepy really does work.

In other words... Shopping.

Yesterday I was pretty bummed out so I treated myself to a nice little shopping trip. I needed it. It made me feel so much better and helped me out of the funk I was in. Hell I coulda cried and moped around the house all day long, but chose not to. I bought me 2 pairs of gauchos, 3 blouses, a belt, a pair of sandles, and some new earrings. Oh and a great new hair brush. The brush costed me more than the two pairs of gauchos put together. But its a dang good brush. Its 7 inches in diameter and the barrel is ceramic so when I use the blow dryer it straightens, smooths, and curls the ends under (or out if I want). And it cuts my hair time in half, so it was worth it.

So now I'm waiting for AF. Where ever the hell she's at, who knows. But that's ok. Today's only cd29 so she's not late yet. I guess I'm just impatient and wanting to get goin' on another cycle. This weekend I think I'm gonna have a couple of drinks to take the edge off and "celebrate" the new beginning of a new cycle. Hopefully AF will join me.

Test day FINALLY!

Today is finally the Big Day. Test day. I woke up, we showered, got ready and before we went our separate ways he kissed me, then my tummy and wished me good luck at my appointment. I just know he's so hopeful. I went in, simi-hopeful, gave my blood and went home. The whole way home I thought about what could be happening in my body at the exact moment, a tiny life could be forming, and growing and we didn't even know it. And that tiny life was already loved so much.

So I get home and I wait... I'm expecting a call around 10:00am for results. Its now 8:27am, I'm home watching TLC "The Baby Story" and the phone rings... OMG, its my RE!
I run, grab a blanket and sit down.

"Mrs. Gonzales I'm really sorry..... its a negitive."

My heart sinks.

Negitive. Tears pour from my sleepy eyes.

I tried preparing myself for that earlier, but hearing it confirmed is still something you're never really ready to hear.

God I hate this. Why must I go through this? Why do I have to do this again and again? Why can't I just... MAN!
My husband is the world's greatest, he deserves so much better than this. I did everything right this time. I didn't miss a thing. My levels looked so great, so WTH? Why is this so hard? We did everything right on time.

God... it hurts.

I take a second to gather myself and called my mom. I can't even get out the words to tell her. I'm crying to hard for the words to come out, she knows. I talk to her for a second then to my dad. I'm such a daddy little girl, just hearing his voice makes me lose it. I want to curl up in my daddy's arms and cry. But I know he hurts for me too. He tries to make me laugh, and manages to get a little smile from me. He always does. And leaves me with some encouraging words. I just love him so much.

I call my sister. BIG MISTAKE. Don't get me wrong I love her, but right now I hate her. She's pregnant and doesn't know the first thing I'm going through. The only two hpts she's ever taken she's gotten positives. She has a one year old son, and one on the way. ANYWAYS, she like, "maybe you should just stop all the medicine and trust God to give you the miracle. You're RE isn't God and its not right for yall to be doing all this to try to play God." I'm NOT gonna comment on what I wanted to say to her. I'm a woman and refuse to slump to something less than that by saying what was really going through my mind at the time... I politely excused myself by telling her I have tons of calls to make and hang up with her.

Then call Jenna. Of course she tries to make me feel better. But really, nothing will. I have to cry. At least I know she knows what I'm feeling, and she can offer better words of comfort. Thanks Jenna.

And now I'm posting. Its 9:25am nearly an hour after I got the news.
I thank you all for the kind words of support, for standing beside me, and for all the prayers.

This cycle is done. I guess I'm now off to the next, just like before.
So... For the last Plan of Action for this month.

P.O.A
1. 9/26 (today) Cry, mope, have lunch with Richard, do a little shopping for myself to make me feel better. And maybe have a drink or two.

2. 9/27-29 Work, and look forward to the weekend. Wait for AF.

3. 9/30-10/1 Drink myself to a mess of emotions

4. 10/2 Have a sit down consultation with my RE to see what my next step is.

other 1/2 of hpt

So, I went to walmart during my lunch break and bought a two pack of First Response hpts. I came back to work, and took one. It has a faint, faint second line, to my surprise. I tried taking a picture (high resolution) to share it, but the faint line won't show up on the pic. I tried several times to get it, but can't.

Oh well... I guess now that I have another test left I'll use it tomorrow morning before my scheduled blood work. Come on, you know you would too. Its just I'm brave enough to admit it.

I'm glad I saw at least a faint faint second line. It gave me a tiny bit of hope, definatly more than I had yesterday for sure.

hpt 3 1/2

Last night Richard was telling me again that he is so hopeful. I guess it was obvious that I lost hope because he asked me what was wrong, that it seemed like I lost hope from one day to the next. He then asked, "Did you test?" I was quiet for a second, then confessed. I couldn't lie. He said it hit him that I might have since I was positive for a long time and all of a sudden I wasn't anymore. He was upset. Not at me, but at the fact that he put two and two together that if I tested, and I lost hope, I must have gotten a negitive. I felt so bad. He just put his head down for a second. I couldn't fight my tears, I felt so terrible. He told me it was ok that I tested, and I tried explaining why I had to. The 2ww is a killer, and if I can prepare myself a couple days before the "big test" by doing a "pretest" then why not? I'd rather be prepared for a negitive before I get the call so I don't break down on the phone with the nurse. If I can deal with the negitive at home a day or two before then I feel like when she calls it will only confirm my suspicion, and not be such a shocker and slap in the face. So he asked me not to test anymore. I agreed.

This morning I got up early with him because I had to take him to work, his truck is at his mom's. Anyhow. I wanted to test SOOOOOOoooo bad. But when I take the test off the others in the package it makes a lot of noise, and I knew I was wrong for even WANTING to test. Desperate situations require desperate measures... I grabbed the scissors and cut a test out of the packaging. (A moment I am certainly NOT proud of) I closed the door to the bathroom a little so he wouldn't hear me tinkling in the cup. I dipped the strip and placed it behind my facial clensing stuff so he wouldn't see it. I finished getting dressed, and he went in to do his hair, wash up, brush his teeth, ect. I finished getting dressed and was waiting for him to finish up and he asked since I was done to go ahead and start the car. DANGIT! The test is in the bathroom and I gotta get my hands on it. He took forever, and on my way back inside he was coming out and locked the door. So I had to leave it. WITHOUT SEEING IT!!! SHHHHHEEEEIIIIIIITTTTTTT! So now I'm dying to see it. I work to far from home to go during lunch to get it, and I won't make it back in time. What do I do???? I know. I'll go to walmart during my lunch break, get another test and take it. Gah... I've sunk to the lowest of all lows, I'm such a pregnancy-test whore. Jenna said it, I denied it, but I am. That's just what I am.

I'll post after I get those results.

hpt 1 & 2

I tested yesterday (Saturday) morning. It was negitive. I tried not to be upset because I should be used to seeing bfn's by now, but I guess it never is easy seeing a negitive no matter how long you've been ttc. I didn't tell Richard I tested because he asked me not to test. But now I'm wondering if I should tell him. He's so SO hopeful, and I don't want him to be completely crushed if this cycle was to fail. I know I should have hope, but I don't. I lost what little I had yesterday morning.

So early this morning, I snuck out of bed and tested again. Again it was negitive. I did it for me, I had to try to restore ANY little bit of hope I could by retesting and searching for any reminant of a second line. The test was clear, to clear. It was a definate negitive. Now what little hope I thought I might find, is long gone. I'm trying not to make it obvious to Richard that I'm hopeless, but its hard. He can read me like a book which sometimes is good, but times like this its not so good.

Now if Tuesday's bloodwork comes out that we are pregnant. I'm gonna hit the roof. Right now, hope or faith isn't something I have. So if it comes out that we are successful this cycle someone's gonna have to scrape me up off the floor to revive me. I'm just so sure this cycle didn't take. So sure.
Two more days and we'll know the real truth... But I think I know what it is... Now to prepare my heart and my husband for another another let down, and I hope he's gonna take it ok.

YAY for Progesterone!

Wednesday night my husband admitted to me that he wasn't hopeful last cycle, but this cycle he is. I'm happy for him but I just don't want him to be so upset if he is shot down by another bfn. As for myself, I'm cautiously hopeful. Of course I'd like to get a bfp, but I'm gonna try to not be to upset if we don't... If that's possible.
The ups & downs of this rollarcoaster ride can be so stressful.
This cycle my sister in law asked me to call her before my every step. She wanted to get a feel of what I go through day by day, with all the shots, and cramps, everything. So I am. I call her before I do anything. Its become a hassel for me (and her too I'm sure) but that is what she asked me to do. She didn't understand any of what I was talking about when I told her all the fertility treatment stuff is stressful. Now she knows. Advising me to "just relax" now seems something totally not possible and now she sees that. Of course she'll never know the beginning of what I'm going through but at least I know I've helped her understand a little bit of what its like going through infertility treatment.
This morning I had an appt at 6:45am for blood work to test my progesterone. It needed to be above a 20 and I got a call back from my RE's office and my progesterone level was a 63.6!!!! WOO HOOO. So if we are successful my progesterone level won't be an issue. Its above the minimum, more like 3X the minimum. :) So we're at least on the right track...
Tuesday's the BIG day to see if we were successful this cycle, or not. I'm gonna poas Sunday (even though Richard asked me not to) just to see what it says. I can't stand the wait anymore. If I can I'll post Sunday to update yall.

This weekend I spend off my feet, relaxing and being nothing but a couch-potato. I cooked some, cleaned some, but other than that I've been home. So nothing really exciting to report... Other than today I finally, FINALLY got my new washing machine. I'm sure yall had already forgotten about it. My washer broke the same week my TV went out, and that was at the end of July. The delivery guys picked up my old one (that I had for 1 1/2 yrs) and they dropped off and hooked up my new one. Thank God, I'm done with stinky, humid laundry mats. I can wash at home again. YAY!

Tomorrow (monday) I've got to do another hCG mini-dose injection, I've got to call to schedule my progesterone lab work, and my pregnancy test blood test, and tomorrow I'm meeting with my support group.

I better get to bed... night night!

2ww

So I'm one week down, and I got one more to go. I kinda want it to fly by, and I kinda don't cuz I'm a little worried about getting another BFN, especially after all that I've been through this week (with my sister and all). So for the moment I'm just gonna enjoy the weekend and try not to worry to much. What's done is done. Its not like we can go back and "do it" anymore than we did, so we'll just have to see what next week holds.

I'm not gonna over-analyze every little ache & pain to be pg symptoms. But yesterday I had four episodes of weird pain in my uterus area. I went from a sitting to a standing position, and the only way to discribe the pain would be to say that it felt like my uterus was lodged under my pelvic bone and when I stood up it ripped it out from there. It was this stabbing pain that doubled me over, and made me sit back down. I gave it some time and stood up slowly and it didn't hurt anymore, but it left me sore. All the other episode of pains were not quite as intense... I don't know... All I know is that it hurt like a motha!

Hopefully it was forshadowing... But yesterday Richard and I had chinese food for dinner, and when we were done we got fortune cookies. My fortune read, "Never let your dreams be clouded by the struggle." Hmm, that's a pretty good fortune... I turned it over and it had a chinese word, and its translation... The word was "Children = Haiz-en". Now THAT makes it a really good fortune! Hope its right!

random thoughts

Sorry for the gap in my blog entires... I'm doing somewhat better (Thanks Jenna for helping me gather myself again.) I've been an emotional crying, moping, pouting, feeling-sorry-for-myself, blob for 4 days now. And I've kinda been slowly creeping my way out of the funk, and trying to refocus my attention back on my cycle.

I mentioned my sister is pregnant. Yesterday she told me she's 7 wks. Yay, good for her.
Nothing more to say about that.

On to other things... I started progesterone suppositories Tuesday and will be on them till after we test. Bubbly pee-pee is the new "IN" thing (those who've been on progesterone suppositories know what I mean.) If you haven't had bubbly pee-pee you're missing out! LOL.
I'm also on Estace, and thankfully neither have given me any real side effects. **knock on wood**

So other than that, nothing else is really happinin'.
Side note: Infertility Sucks! I'm sure no one really needs to be reminded, just thought I'd restate the fact.