hpt 3 1/2

Last night Richard was telling me again that he is so hopeful. I guess it was obvious that I lost hope because he asked me what was wrong, that it seemed like I lost hope from one day to the next. He then asked, "Did you test?" I was quiet for a second, then confessed. I couldn't lie. He said it hit him that I might have since I was positive for a long time and all of a sudden I wasn't anymore. He was upset. Not at me, but at the fact that he put two and two together that if I tested, and I lost hope, I must have gotten a negitive. I felt so bad. He just put his head down for a second. I couldn't fight my tears, I felt so terrible. He told me it was ok that I tested, and I tried explaining why I had to. The 2ww is a killer, and if I can prepare myself a couple days before the "big test" by doing a "pretest" then why not? I'd rather be prepared for a negitive before I get the call so I don't break down on the phone with the nurse. If I can deal with the negitive at home a day or two before then I feel like when she calls it will only confirm my suspicion, and not be such a shocker and slap in the face. So he asked me not to test anymore. I agreed.

This morning I got up early with him because I had to take him to work, his truck is at his mom's. Anyhow. I wanted to test SOOOOOOoooo bad. But when I take the test off the others in the package it makes a lot of noise, and I knew I was wrong for even WANTING to test. Desperate situations require desperate measures... I grabbed the scissors and cut a test out of the packaging. (A moment I am certainly NOT proud of) I closed the door to the bathroom a little so he wouldn't hear me tinkling in the cup. I dipped the strip and placed it behind my facial clensing stuff so he wouldn't see it. I finished getting dressed, and he went in to do his hair, wash up, brush his teeth, ect. I finished getting dressed and was waiting for him to finish up and he asked since I was done to go ahead and start the car. DANGIT! The test is in the bathroom and I gotta get my hands on it. He took forever, and on my way back inside he was coming out and locked the door. So I had to leave it. WITHOUT SEEING IT!!! SHHHHHEEEEIIIIIIITTTTTTT! So now I'm dying to see it. I work to far from home to go during lunch to get it, and I won't make it back in time. What do I do???? I know. I'll go to walmart during my lunch break, get another test and take it. Gah... I've sunk to the lowest of all lows, I'm such a pregnancy-test whore. Jenna said it, I denied it, but I am. That's just what I am.

I'll post after I get those results.