Today is finally the Big Day. Test day. I woke up, we showered, got ready and before we went our separate ways he kissed me, then my tummy and wished me good luck at my appointment. I just know he's so hopeful. I went in, simi-hopeful, gave my blood and went home. The whole way home I thought about what could be happening in my body at the exact moment, a tiny life could be forming, and growing and we didn't even know it. And that tiny life was already loved so much.
So I get home and I wait... I'm expecting a call around 10:00am for results. Its now 8:27am, I'm home watching TLC "The Baby Story" and the phone rings... OMG, its my RE!
I run, grab a blanket and sit down.
"Mrs. Gonzales I'm really sorry..... its a negitive."
My heart sinks.
Negitive. Tears pour from my sleepy eyes.
I tried preparing myself for that earlier, but hearing it confirmed is still something you're never really ready to hear.
God I hate this. Why must I go through this? Why do I have to do this again and again? Why can't I just... MAN!
My husband is the world's greatest, he deserves so much better than this. I did everything right this time. I didn't miss a thing. My levels looked so great, so WTH? Why is this so hard? We did everything right on time.
God... it hurts.
I take a second to gather myself and called my mom. I can't even get out the words to tell her. I'm crying to hard for the words to come out, she knows. I talk to her for a second then to my dad. I'm such a daddy little girl, just hearing his voice makes me lose it. I want to curl up in my daddy's arms and cry. But I know he hurts for me too. He tries to make me laugh, and manages to get a little smile from me. He always does. And leaves me with some encouraging words. I just love him so much.
I call my sister. BIG MISTAKE. Don't get me wrong I love her, but right now I hate her. She's pregnant and doesn't know the first thing I'm going through. The only two hpts she's ever taken she's gotten positives. She has a one year old son, and one on the way. ANYWAYS, she like, "maybe you should just stop all the medicine and trust God to give you the miracle. You're RE isn't God and its not right for yall to be doing all this to try to play God." I'm NOT gonna comment on what I wanted to say to her. I'm a woman and refuse to slump to something less than that by saying what was really going through my mind at the time... I politely excused myself by telling her I have tons of calls to make and hang up with her.
Then call Jenna. Of course she tries to make me feel better. But really, nothing will. I have to cry. At least I know she knows what I'm feeling, and she can offer better words of comfort. Thanks Jenna.
And now I'm posting. Its 9:25am nearly an hour after I got the news.
I thank you all for the kind words of support, for standing beside me, and for all the prayers.
This cycle is done. I guess I'm now off to the next, just like before.
So... For the last Plan of Action for this month.
P.O.A
1. 9/26 (today) Cry, mope, have lunch with Richard, do a little shopping for myself to make me feel better. And maybe have a drink or two.
2. 9/27-29 Work, and look forward to the weekend. Wait for AF.
3. 9/30-10/1 Drink myself to a mess of emotions
4. 10/2 Have a sit down consultation with my RE to see what my next step is.
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3 comments:
Jennie - I am crying with you as I sit and read this... I am so sorry... it is so unfair!!! So very unfair... I wish there were better words... this just sucks....
You are in my thoughts.
Crap. I am so, so sorry. I know today is such a hard day. I absolutely hate making those calls. It's one of those moments I wish I had never told anyone what we were going through.
We're all sending you hugs...take care of yourself and do something that you enjoy doing to help lift your spirits.
I'm praying for you.
I'm really sorry to hear that Jennie, I wish there was something I could say to make you fell better! Take care and don't listen to your sister...you have plenty of online sisters here supporting you.
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