Happy Holidays.

Ok, before I tell ya about my Christmas, I have GREAT NEWS! Last Monday at my support group meeting my friend Velma, bless her heart, she got pregnant & miscarried a 16 wks. Well, she told me she had something for me in her car, so after the meeting I followed her out and she gave me 2 boxes of Follistim, unopened, refrigerated, unused boxes. She said that the drugs were left over from the study she quilified for, and she wanted me to have them since she was not gonna be ttc for a while. So I graciously took it. Velma & I coincidently have the same RE. So this morning I went in for a baseline ultrasound, and I took the drugs with me. I wasn't sure that my RE was gonna approve, but it was "worth a shot." Well after the u/s I was told that the cyst had shrunk down to a 14mm. We really need it to be <10mm. So I'll have to be on BCP for 2 more days. After that, I'll hopefully have a visit from AF within 5 days and on Cycle Day 3 I can start Follistim! WOO HOOO! I'm so excitied! My RE gave me a new pen & a DVD to show me how to "dial up" the correct dosage, but she said the drugs were good as long as they stayed refrigerated. I was so excited. She told me that I was so lucky to have these drugs just given to me. I did offer to pay Velma for them, but she refused to take my money since the drugs were given to her for free from the study. My goodness, if this cycle is THE ONE, my baby's middle name is gonna have to be Velma as the biggest Thanks I could ever give. But if its a boy... We'll have to rethink that. "Velma" doesn't sound to masculine. LOL, I guess we'll get there when we get there.

So Christmas Eve we spent it at my parents house. My family was all together so of course we had a good time. I made dinner, and my mom and sister made desserts. We all ate, then opened gifts. Then my brothers opened a bottle of Tequila. Between the 3 of us, we put away a bottle of Sauza Hornitos Tequila. We did shots, so the bottle didn't last long. Then they wanted to start a new bottle of Crown, which I found out on Christmas that they started & finished around 5:00am. Bad, bad, bad. I didn't stick around for that. We left around 11pm to my sister in laws, and we played "Deal. or No Deal" on her tv. It was fun, especially with a little alcohol to make me brave, lol. We spent the night there, then had Christmas breakfast the next morning with my in-laws. It was good. We opened gifts there, then we hung out a little while then went home. Once we got home, we were exhausted. But not to tired to open our gifts. So we sat on the floor next to the tree and gave each other gifts. By gift #3 I was in tears. Everything that I got Richard was wrong. He already had the CD that I gave him (he has over 600 cds, how was I suppose to know he had that one? Guh.) The radio walkman he wanted didn't have an AM setting, it just had FM. He really wanted to listen to Sports Radio on the AM setting, and I didn't even notice when I bought it, it didn't have it. Ok. Then the beard trimmer thing I got him, his mom gave him the exact same one... CRAP! I couldn't help but to cry. Now I feel stupid for crying about it, but at the time I think it was just emotional moment for me. Richard felt so bad, that I felt so bad about it... He tried to cheer me up, and told me I wasn't allowed to open any gifts till my "tears were tucked away." So I put them away and tried to enjoy the rest of the day. After we opened them, we cleaned up then went to visit my little Erik. When we got to the cemetary, he had all kinds of new Christmas "gifts." He had a stuffed brown puppy wearing a red scarf, pointsettas, a green bow on his marker, and some snowman & present picks. It was so CUTE. I loved it. We took him some fresh gerber daisies, a new green & silver pinwheel, and a christmas statue of a little boy knealing before the cross. (I took a few pics I might post later.) Richard was sick w/fever & feeling achey, it was so cold and the ground was really wet so we didn't stay very long. We were there maybe 15 minutes. This Christmas was so much easier on our hearts, it was still hard at times, but over all it was a lot better than last years.

I, like many others, hope that this Christmas is the last one we have with out a baby in our arms.

So from mine to yours.
Merry Christmas.

BIRTHDAY WEEKEND

Friday I took the day off...because.... It was my BIRTHDAY!
I turned the big 2-6. I took the day off work and went and got pampered. I got a massage, mani/pedi, eye brows waxed and hair cut. I walked out of the spa feeling like a new woman! I can't believe I got a short hair cut, but its growin on me. It sits on top of my shoulders so its not THAT short, Richard likes it... So that's a good thing. That evening he took me out to dinner at my favorite resteraunt, Joe's Crab Shack, and I had the BIGGEST plate of king crab ever. I ate crab like there was no tomorrow. I absolutely LOVE crab.

Saturday was my parent's 28th wedding anniversary. We gave them reservations to stay a night in a snazy hotel in Galveston in a room over looking the Gulf. And my sister & brothers gave them dinner reservations out on a steam boat tour. Sunday they came back with beautiful pictures and stories to tell. We got together for dinner Sunday evening to give them their gift, and they LOVED IT. When they saw the pictures, tears welled up in my daddy's eyes. It was so sweet. We told them how we all had such a great time together for lunch and at the Galleria how the guys were misbehaving and it was like we were all kids again, enjoying ourselves. It really was probably the least expensive gift we've ever given to them, but seeing the looks on their faces, said it all. It really meant the a lot to them. We had so many great pics from that afternoon, we made my mom a "brag book" and we filled it up with all the rest of the pictures.

This morning my husband woke up and said, "Its Sunday, right??" I hate it when that happens. This weekend flew by so fast, we needed one more day to sleep in. We just had a really busy weekend. In between times were spent last minute Christmas shopping, and cleaning... I'm tired. But I have to say, my hair looks GREAT! lol.

Our Pics

Here are the pics from this weekend. My siblings and I got together to take these pics as a little surprise for my parents anniversary. We're having one blown up & framed for them, and we're giving it to them this weekend. I know my mom's gonna cry. These are the first pictures we've taken together in over 15 years. Just two months ago my family was reunited for the first time, and now we're never letting go of each other. So here they are. Enjoy!
















Me & Christy

















Steve, Jennie, Christy, Eddie















Jennie, Steve, Christy, Eddie

weekend

Yesterday my brothers and my sister and I got together at the Galleria Mall in Houston to take pictures. My parent's 28th wedding anniversary is this coming Saturday (the day after my 26th Birthday) and we secretly planned this little get together to take some pictures. It went well, for the most part. Yesterday was the first time ever that all of us kids got together without my parents. My friend Amanda has this badas$ professional photographer-lookin camera, and offered to take some shots of us. She's gonna put them on a CD, and my sis and I are gonna choose the best one, have it blown up, and go in together and have it matted & framed as a gift to my parents. The last picture my siblings and I took together was for swim team and I was 8 years old. Both my brothers have been gone for a number of years (which I won't go in to) but now our family is back together for the first time in over 15 years. So I know this picture is gonna mean a lot to my parents. I can't wait to see it finished & framed.

The down part of the day was my sister, being pregnant, and completely over doing the "ah, I gotta go pee again. Lucas is sitting on my bladder" every 15 minutes. Then my brother's wife asked if she's gonna breastfeed this baby too, if it hurts, BLAH BLAH BLAHHHH. Everyone joined in the conversation and the only way to keep myself from falling apart was to excuse myself, and walk away. Before I left I asked her to please change the subject. That didn't work. Then I looked my sister dead-straight in the eye, and asked a second time this time a little more stern. PLEASE CHANGE the SUBJECT. Didn't work... She went into all kinds of graphic details of what it felt like for her milk to come in, the terrible sensation of dry nipples.... I just couldn't take anymore. So I walked away. I know I didn't get to nurse my child, but I do know what its like to get my milk in. And nothing is worse to have lost your baby, then have a painful reminder like breast milk, something so nurishing to a baby, let go to waste. Then binding my breasts as tightly as I could, so I'd dry up. Stuffing cabbage leaves in my bra, since old-wives tale says that works... Stepping out of the shower and dripping milk... It was tourture. How cruel could my body be to me? My body knew I had my baby, but it didn't know I lost him and didn't need breastmilk... Yes, after a year and 7 months. It still hurts.

I want to tell my sister how I felt yesterday, but I don't know that I can. She's never suffered a loss, so how can I expect her to understand? She knows how hard this pregnancy is on us, and for the most part we've been TRYING to be ok with everything. But I nearly lost it in the mall yesterday. I bit my lip, sucked up the tears, and refused to let her make me cry. Its been a long time since I've felt that helpless, and defeated. Why couldn't she just change the subject? Why is she so insensitive at times? Doesn't she know that the holiday blues on top of baby blues only makes things worse? Maybe I'm wrong for expecting her to think outside her little innocent box... Perhaps she can't see past her "rosey shades" (which she shouldn't have to) to see that life is not peachy all the time for everyone.

Anyhow... After I got home Richard held me, and let me vent some. Together we went to the cemetary, decorated Erik's place for Christmas, and that was so stress relieving. I am so thankful that I at least have a place to let go of my pain, and feel close to my baby. When I leave from there (it never fails) I always leave with peace and contentment. Its such a precious gift, it has to be from God. There's no way to explain it, its just beautiful. Its an even sweeter feeling when I see holiday decorations there, that we didn't put there. It reminds me that my precious little one is loved, and being remembered by others. Definatly another proud mommy moment for me.

worrying isn't gonna fix anything

it'll only stress me out even more.

Yesterday, I was a mess. A complete emotional disaster. I wallowed in my own self pity all day yesterday and this morning out of no where came this feeling of "everything is gonna be ok." I don't know where this came from, or why? I guess I'm not gonna question it, just enjoy it, and be thankful for another day. Last night I came to the realization that, I got delt a crappy hand, and crying about it wasn't gonna change anything. I can only try to see the good in what I've got, and be thankful that I'm not dealing with anything worse than what I already have. Birth Control isn't all that bad, its just temporary until we fix the ovary issue. I have a great RE, she knows what she's doing, and I am grateful to be under such a close watch. I also thank God that my husband and I have the great relationship we do, and have the finances to fund this on going dream. Its hard to see that the day bad news smacks ya, but I see it now. And I'm ready for the challange.

So, today after work my sister and I have a "date." We're gonna meet up at the spa, and get some MUCH needed pampering. I can't wait! We're getting mani/pedies, brows waxed and our hair cut. We've never gone together, so I'm sure we're gonna have a good time.

Hope all is well with everyone...

I can't believe I watched another

year pass by. All the while I'm still left with the thought that I might never be a mother to a living child.

As you probably guessed it, this morning's appointment didn't go well... I went in for my baseline ultrasound and my left ovary was clear, but my right ovary has a 40.5mm cyst in it (which is 1.58 inches)... So, unfortunatly I won't be able to do one last try I wanted to do this year... Which means we're out of running for a Christmas miracle... I'm upset. Hurt.. Disappointed.. And just let down, right now. I really was hopeful this month. I was so excited about doing the IUI & I was already hopeful that this would be the month for a miracle... Guess this year just wasn't my year for a baby. $&%# ! !
I hate infertility.. As if ya didn't already know that..

So. The the next step is birth control. Ironic, I know... I have to take it for 3 weeks, to try to shrink the cyst. So that puts me at 12/27 for my next appointment. Hopefully by then the cyst will be reabsorbed or at least small enough to get the ok to start injectables. The nurse told me to "look at the bright side, at least you know you can have a couple of drinks" for my birthday & Christmas. Like that's some consolation to being completely incapable of conceiving since I'm on, ahem... BIRTH CONTOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now THAT's something to drink to. Let's friggin celebrate!! Pass me a lime & double vodka why don'cha! UGHHH I'm so upset.

I hate to be the "bad news bear", so I'm gonna go now before the water works begin.
F*** infertility, F*** IT!

CD????????? ONE!!!!!

GIRLS, EXCITING NEWS!!!
I woke up this morning with a pleasant little surprise.... in my undies.
I STARTED! LOL, WOOOO HOOOO. ***doing my insanely funny but embarrassing happy dance*** Cycle Day ONE BABY, uh huh!! uh huh!!! OH YEAHHHH!!!!
I couldn't be more excited to see that AF came to visit. B!tch was late enough, but nonetheless "she's " here now and that's all that matters. Today would've CD67... Man... I guess the Prometrium did its job. I'm stoked! I called my RE, now I'm waiting on her to return my call to schedule baseline u/s & bloodwork, I'll update later.

IUI, HERE WE COME!!!! FULL SPEED AHEAD!

***** Update*****

Re called back. I have a baseline bloodwork & u/s scheduled for this Wednesday 7:15 am.
And I can discontinue Prometium pills, YAY!!!! So now, we start praying that my ovaries are clear, no cysts, so we can get started on injections.

"tars in da ky"

Earlier this week my sister showed my nephew (Jacob 20mth old) the stars. She told him that God made the sky and the stars... She told him that his cousin Erik is up there in heaven, and he is the brightest star in the sky, as she pointed towards the sky. Well. Last night she asked Jacob, just to see if he was listening, and if he remembered what they had talked about. She asked him, "Jacob, where is Erik?" And he told her, in his own little words, "tars in da ky" as he pointed up. Apparently he was listening. When my sister told me this, I had to fight back the tears. Happy Tears, that is. I was so happy to know that my baby is being talked about, loved and remembered. Its heartwarming. And it was a very proud mommy moment for me. I don't get many proud mommy moments, but when I do it stays with me for a long time.

Well, my sister told me they named their baby. His name is going to be, Lucas Levy(pronounced Levi) and her Dr. said Lucas already weighs 7 ounces. She said they chose the names because they're both biblical names, and since her other son's first & middle name start w/the same letter (Jacob Jude), they thought they'd keep that going.