weekend

Yesterday my brothers and my sister and I got together at the Galleria Mall in Houston to take pictures. My parent's 28th wedding anniversary is this coming Saturday (the day after my 26th Birthday) and we secretly planned this little get together to take some pictures. It went well, for the most part. Yesterday was the first time ever that all of us kids got together without my parents. My friend Amanda has this badas$ professional photographer-lookin camera, and offered to take some shots of us. She's gonna put them on a CD, and my sis and I are gonna choose the best one, have it blown up, and go in together and have it matted & framed as a gift to my parents. The last picture my siblings and I took together was for swim team and I was 8 years old. Both my brothers have been gone for a number of years (which I won't go in to) but now our family is back together for the first time in over 15 years. So I know this picture is gonna mean a lot to my parents. I can't wait to see it finished & framed.

The down part of the day was my sister, being pregnant, and completely over doing the "ah, I gotta go pee again. Lucas is sitting on my bladder" every 15 minutes. Then my brother's wife asked if she's gonna breastfeed this baby too, if it hurts, BLAH BLAH BLAHHHH. Everyone joined in the conversation and the only way to keep myself from falling apart was to excuse myself, and walk away. Before I left I asked her to please change the subject. That didn't work. Then I looked my sister dead-straight in the eye, and asked a second time this time a little more stern. PLEASE CHANGE the SUBJECT. Didn't work... She went into all kinds of graphic details of what it felt like for her milk to come in, the terrible sensation of dry nipples.... I just couldn't take anymore. So I walked away. I know I didn't get to nurse my child, but I do know what its like to get my milk in. And nothing is worse to have lost your baby, then have a painful reminder like breast milk, something so nurishing to a baby, let go to waste. Then binding my breasts as tightly as I could, so I'd dry up. Stuffing cabbage leaves in my bra, since old-wives tale says that works... Stepping out of the shower and dripping milk... It was tourture. How cruel could my body be to me? My body knew I had my baby, but it didn't know I lost him and didn't need breastmilk... Yes, after a year and 7 months. It still hurts.

I want to tell my sister how I felt yesterday, but I don't know that I can. She's never suffered a loss, so how can I expect her to understand? She knows how hard this pregnancy is on us, and for the most part we've been TRYING to be ok with everything. But I nearly lost it in the mall yesterday. I bit my lip, sucked up the tears, and refused to let her make me cry. Its been a long time since I've felt that helpless, and defeated. Why couldn't she just change the subject? Why is she so insensitive at times? Doesn't she know that the holiday blues on top of baby blues only makes things worse? Maybe I'm wrong for expecting her to think outside her little innocent box... Perhaps she can't see past her "rosey shades" (which she shouldn't have to) to see that life is not peachy all the time for everyone.

Anyhow... After I got home Richard held me, and let me vent some. Together we went to the cemetary, decorated Erik's place for Christmas, and that was so stress relieving. I am so thankful that I at least have a place to let go of my pain, and feel close to my baby. When I leave from there (it never fails) I always leave with peace and contentment. Its such a precious gift, it has to be from God. There's no way to explain it, its just beautiful. Its an even sweeter feeling when I see holiday decorations there, that we didn't put there. It reminds me that my precious little one is loved, and being remembered by others. Definatly another proud mommy moment for me.