pms hormones and venting...

The holidays are just around the corner, and we're not really looking forward to them. I feel so sad that I haven' t decided on a design for a headstone for Erik. Our little angel will have spend another Christmas without one, all because I'm not willing to commit to one design... I'm such a bad mommy.

In January it'll be 3 years that we've been trying for a baby. Its so tiring, and its robbing us from our 20's. Its such a dark place. I know we're aren't alone in this journey, but it feels like we are. Tuesday at lunch, Richard told me, he wants his wife back. Can you imagine what that must feel like? Not just hearing that from your husband, but imagine what he's going through to say something like that to me. He didn't want to hurt me by saying it, I know it was a just genuine feeling that came out. And he's right. I want my husband back to. I feel like this is a personal war we're fighting against infertility, and no one can help. Everyone is on the sidelines watching, telling us to have faith and cheering us on, but no one can help. The Dr's and specialists are there to set up strategic plans for us to try something different to defeat this monster. But at the same time Richard and I are side by side taking bullets to the chest and we can't do anything but just take the pain, try to help each other while we keep fighting. Till either one of two things happen. Either we have a miracle child by the mercy and grace of God's hand. Or we let this beat us, and give in and let it crush us till we die together drained emotionally and physically, childless and grieving for our losses. Not only for the babies we lost, but lost-parenthood, lost-love that we'll never share with a child of our blood, lost-experience of being in labor and giving life to a kicking screaming baby, lost-faith in all that is good, lost-years that we spent fighting this war against something that was gonna beat us anyway, the lose of innocence that we could succeed if we had faith and love in our hearts. There are so many losses that go along with this. Every day feels like another day gone, and we're closer to the end. I can't give up and give in this easily I have to fight, give it my all and hope that if there is a plan for us (like everyone keep telling us there is) that it involves a happy ending. I have to do it for the man that stands by my side taking the same bullets I'm taking and keeps fighting for me. If there is a point to this personal war we didn't want to fight but chose to, I just hope that it ends in our favor. It would make this fight so worth the time and energy... I guess only time will tell.

Electric guitar & CD1

Weird mix, huh! LOL
Yesterday after work Richard got "an itch" and wanted a new electric guitar. Which is fine, however he doesn't know how to play one... So off to the music store we go. We got word from a reliable sourse that H&H music stores are going out of business and are clearancing all their inventory. So we went. They had 5 guitars to choose from that were all over a thousand dollars... NOT HAPPENING! So we went to the Guitar Center "just to look" (yea right). The salesman that helped him of course wanted to sell him the most expensive guitar. Which I was not gonna let slide, so we agreed on getting a good guitar, not the cheapest ($99) one but not the most expensive one either ($5,000). So he ended up really liking one that was in the budget, and the salesman agreed it was a good one to start learning on, so he got it. So all evening he was tuning it, which wasn't to earpiercing because he doesn't have an amp, yet. But today he's going to pick up his brother's extra one he's letting him borrow. UGH, thanks a lot Brother in law! I've gotta stock up on earplugs now.


This morning AF woke me up.
I called the nurse triage line to report it, and the nurse just returned the call back. She suggested that I keep my Monday appointment for the consultation, which will be CD5 and see what my RE wants to do. I mentioned to her that since I have enough Gonal-F for another round/month of injections I'd like to do that if we can, just so it all doesn't go to waste. She said she's seen my RE start patients on CD5 before so we'll just wait and see.

I'm actually glad AF is here, because she's RIGHT on time. Which is unusual.
Guess I've just got the "get'er done" attitude, so we can get moving on to the next cycle.

Retail Therepy really does work.

In other words... Shopping.

Yesterday I was pretty bummed out so I treated myself to a nice little shopping trip. I needed it. It made me feel so much better and helped me out of the funk I was in. Hell I coulda cried and moped around the house all day long, but chose not to. I bought me 2 pairs of gauchos, 3 blouses, a belt, a pair of sandles, and some new earrings. Oh and a great new hair brush. The brush costed me more than the two pairs of gauchos put together. But its a dang good brush. Its 7 inches in diameter and the barrel is ceramic so when I use the blow dryer it straightens, smooths, and curls the ends under (or out if I want). And it cuts my hair time in half, so it was worth it.

So now I'm waiting for AF. Where ever the hell she's at, who knows. But that's ok. Today's only cd29 so she's not late yet. I guess I'm just impatient and wanting to get goin' on another cycle. This weekend I think I'm gonna have a couple of drinks to take the edge off and "celebrate" the new beginning of a new cycle. Hopefully AF will join me.

Test day FINALLY!

Today is finally the Big Day. Test day. I woke up, we showered, got ready and before we went our separate ways he kissed me, then my tummy and wished me good luck at my appointment. I just know he's so hopeful. I went in, simi-hopeful, gave my blood and went home. The whole way home I thought about what could be happening in my body at the exact moment, a tiny life could be forming, and growing and we didn't even know it. And that tiny life was already loved so much.

So I get home and I wait... I'm expecting a call around 10:00am for results. Its now 8:27am, I'm home watching TLC "The Baby Story" and the phone rings... OMG, its my RE!
I run, grab a blanket and sit down.

"Mrs. Gonzales I'm really sorry..... its a negitive."

My heart sinks.

Negitive. Tears pour from my sleepy eyes.

I tried preparing myself for that earlier, but hearing it confirmed is still something you're never really ready to hear.

God I hate this. Why must I go through this? Why do I have to do this again and again? Why can't I just... MAN!
My husband is the world's greatest, he deserves so much better than this. I did everything right this time. I didn't miss a thing. My levels looked so great, so WTH? Why is this so hard? We did everything right on time.

God... it hurts.

I take a second to gather myself and called my mom. I can't even get out the words to tell her. I'm crying to hard for the words to come out, she knows. I talk to her for a second then to my dad. I'm such a daddy little girl, just hearing his voice makes me lose it. I want to curl up in my daddy's arms and cry. But I know he hurts for me too. He tries to make me laugh, and manages to get a little smile from me. He always does. And leaves me with some encouraging words. I just love him so much.

I call my sister. BIG MISTAKE. Don't get me wrong I love her, but right now I hate her. She's pregnant and doesn't know the first thing I'm going through. The only two hpts she's ever taken she's gotten positives. She has a one year old son, and one on the way. ANYWAYS, she like, "maybe you should just stop all the medicine and trust God to give you the miracle. You're RE isn't God and its not right for yall to be doing all this to try to play God." I'm NOT gonna comment on what I wanted to say to her. I'm a woman and refuse to slump to something less than that by saying what was really going through my mind at the time... I politely excused myself by telling her I have tons of calls to make and hang up with her.

Then call Jenna. Of course she tries to make me feel better. But really, nothing will. I have to cry. At least I know she knows what I'm feeling, and she can offer better words of comfort. Thanks Jenna.

And now I'm posting. Its 9:25am nearly an hour after I got the news.
I thank you all for the kind words of support, for standing beside me, and for all the prayers.

This cycle is done. I guess I'm now off to the next, just like before.
So... For the last Plan of Action for this month.

P.O.A
1. 9/26 (today) Cry, mope, have lunch with Richard, do a little shopping for myself to make me feel better. And maybe have a drink or two.

2. 9/27-29 Work, and look forward to the weekend. Wait for AF.

3. 9/30-10/1 Drink myself to a mess of emotions

4. 10/2 Have a sit down consultation with my RE to see what my next step is.

other 1/2 of hpt

So, I went to walmart during my lunch break and bought a two pack of First Response hpts. I came back to work, and took one. It has a faint, faint second line, to my surprise. I tried taking a picture (high resolution) to share it, but the faint line won't show up on the pic. I tried several times to get it, but can't.

Oh well... I guess now that I have another test left I'll use it tomorrow morning before my scheduled blood work. Come on, you know you would too. Its just I'm brave enough to admit it.

I'm glad I saw at least a faint faint second line. It gave me a tiny bit of hope, definatly more than I had yesterday for sure.

hpt 3 1/2

Last night Richard was telling me again that he is so hopeful. I guess it was obvious that I lost hope because he asked me what was wrong, that it seemed like I lost hope from one day to the next. He then asked, "Did you test?" I was quiet for a second, then confessed. I couldn't lie. He said it hit him that I might have since I was positive for a long time and all of a sudden I wasn't anymore. He was upset. Not at me, but at the fact that he put two and two together that if I tested, and I lost hope, I must have gotten a negitive. I felt so bad. He just put his head down for a second. I couldn't fight my tears, I felt so terrible. He told me it was ok that I tested, and I tried explaining why I had to. The 2ww is a killer, and if I can prepare myself a couple days before the "big test" by doing a "pretest" then why not? I'd rather be prepared for a negitive before I get the call so I don't break down on the phone with the nurse. If I can deal with the negitive at home a day or two before then I feel like when she calls it will only confirm my suspicion, and not be such a shocker and slap in the face. So he asked me not to test anymore. I agreed.

This morning I got up early with him because I had to take him to work, his truck is at his mom's. Anyhow. I wanted to test SOOOOOOoooo bad. But when I take the test off the others in the package it makes a lot of noise, and I knew I was wrong for even WANTING to test. Desperate situations require desperate measures... I grabbed the scissors and cut a test out of the packaging. (A moment I am certainly NOT proud of) I closed the door to the bathroom a little so he wouldn't hear me tinkling in the cup. I dipped the strip and placed it behind my facial clensing stuff so he wouldn't see it. I finished getting dressed, and he went in to do his hair, wash up, brush his teeth, ect. I finished getting dressed and was waiting for him to finish up and he asked since I was done to go ahead and start the car. DANGIT! The test is in the bathroom and I gotta get my hands on it. He took forever, and on my way back inside he was coming out and locked the door. So I had to leave it. WITHOUT SEEING IT!!! SHHHHHEEEEIIIIIIITTTTTTT! So now I'm dying to see it. I work to far from home to go during lunch to get it, and I won't make it back in time. What do I do???? I know. I'll go to walmart during my lunch break, get another test and take it. Gah... I've sunk to the lowest of all lows, I'm such a pregnancy-test whore. Jenna said it, I denied it, but I am. That's just what I am.

I'll post after I get those results.

hpt 1 & 2

I tested yesterday (Saturday) morning. It was negitive. I tried not to be upset because I should be used to seeing bfn's by now, but I guess it never is easy seeing a negitive no matter how long you've been ttc. I didn't tell Richard I tested because he asked me not to test. But now I'm wondering if I should tell him. He's so SO hopeful, and I don't want him to be completely crushed if this cycle was to fail. I know I should have hope, but I don't. I lost what little I had yesterday morning.

So early this morning, I snuck out of bed and tested again. Again it was negitive. I did it for me, I had to try to restore ANY little bit of hope I could by retesting and searching for any reminant of a second line. The test was clear, to clear. It was a definate negitive. Now what little hope I thought I might find, is long gone. I'm trying not to make it obvious to Richard that I'm hopeless, but its hard. He can read me like a book which sometimes is good, but times like this its not so good.

Now if Tuesday's bloodwork comes out that we are pregnant. I'm gonna hit the roof. Right now, hope or faith isn't something I have. So if it comes out that we are successful this cycle someone's gonna have to scrape me up off the floor to revive me. I'm just so sure this cycle didn't take. So sure.
Two more days and we'll know the real truth... But I think I know what it is... Now to prepare my heart and my husband for another another let down, and I hope he's gonna take it ok.

YAY for Progesterone!

Wednesday night my husband admitted to me that he wasn't hopeful last cycle, but this cycle he is. I'm happy for him but I just don't want him to be so upset if he is shot down by another bfn. As for myself, I'm cautiously hopeful. Of course I'd like to get a bfp, but I'm gonna try to not be to upset if we don't... If that's possible.
The ups & downs of this rollarcoaster ride can be so stressful.
This cycle my sister in law asked me to call her before my every step. She wanted to get a feel of what I go through day by day, with all the shots, and cramps, everything. So I am. I call her before I do anything. Its become a hassel for me (and her too I'm sure) but that is what she asked me to do. She didn't understand any of what I was talking about when I told her all the fertility treatment stuff is stressful. Now she knows. Advising me to "just relax" now seems something totally not possible and now she sees that. Of course she'll never know the beginning of what I'm going through but at least I know I've helped her understand a little bit of what its like going through infertility treatment.
This morning I had an appt at 6:45am for blood work to test my progesterone. It needed to be above a 20 and I got a call back from my RE's office and my progesterone level was a 63.6!!!! WOO HOOO. So if we are successful my progesterone level won't be an issue. Its above the minimum, more like 3X the minimum. :) So we're at least on the right track...
Tuesday's the BIG day to see if we were successful this cycle, or not. I'm gonna poas Sunday (even though Richard asked me not to) just to see what it says. I can't stand the wait anymore. If I can I'll post Sunday to update yall.

This weekend I spend off my feet, relaxing and being nothing but a couch-potato. I cooked some, cleaned some, but other than that I've been home. So nothing really exciting to report... Other than today I finally, FINALLY got my new washing machine. I'm sure yall had already forgotten about it. My washer broke the same week my TV went out, and that was at the end of July. The delivery guys picked up my old one (that I had for 1 1/2 yrs) and they dropped off and hooked up my new one. Thank God, I'm done with stinky, humid laundry mats. I can wash at home again. YAY!

Tomorrow (monday) I've got to do another hCG mini-dose injection, I've got to call to schedule my progesterone lab work, and my pregnancy test blood test, and tomorrow I'm meeting with my support group.

I better get to bed... night night!

2ww

So I'm one week down, and I got one more to go. I kinda want it to fly by, and I kinda don't cuz I'm a little worried about getting another BFN, especially after all that I've been through this week (with my sister and all). So for the moment I'm just gonna enjoy the weekend and try not to worry to much. What's done is done. Its not like we can go back and "do it" anymore than we did, so we'll just have to see what next week holds.

I'm not gonna over-analyze every little ache & pain to be pg symptoms. But yesterday I had four episodes of weird pain in my uterus area. I went from a sitting to a standing position, and the only way to discribe the pain would be to say that it felt like my uterus was lodged under my pelvic bone and when I stood up it ripped it out from there. It was this stabbing pain that doubled me over, and made me sit back down. I gave it some time and stood up slowly and it didn't hurt anymore, but it left me sore. All the other episode of pains were not quite as intense... I don't know... All I know is that it hurt like a motha!

Hopefully it was forshadowing... But yesterday Richard and I had chinese food for dinner, and when we were done we got fortune cookies. My fortune read, "Never let your dreams be clouded by the struggle." Hmm, that's a pretty good fortune... I turned it over and it had a chinese word, and its translation... The word was "Children = Haiz-en". Now THAT makes it a really good fortune! Hope its right!

random thoughts

Sorry for the gap in my blog entires... I'm doing somewhat better (Thanks Jenna for helping me gather myself again.) I've been an emotional crying, moping, pouting, feeling-sorry-for-myself, blob for 4 days now. And I've kinda been slowly creeping my way out of the funk, and trying to refocus my attention back on my cycle.

I mentioned my sister is pregnant. Yesterday she told me she's 7 wks. Yay, good for her.
Nothing more to say about that.

On to other things... I started progesterone suppositories Tuesday and will be on them till after we test. Bubbly pee-pee is the new "IN" thing (those who've been on progesterone suppositories know what I mean.) If you haven't had bubbly pee-pee you're missing out! LOL.
I'm also on Estace, and thankfully neither have given me any real side effects. **knock on wood**

So other than that, nothing else is really happinin'.
Side note: Infertility Sucks! I'm sure no one really needs to be reminded, just thought I'd restate the fact.

The unthinkable

Forgive me, I can't go into detail, because my heart is so broken. My sister (ONLY sister) called to annouce that she's pregnant, again.
God, I don't think I have another tear in my body to cry. I just can't believe it...

Triggered

Last night I triggered. And it hurt like a son-of-a-biscuit!

Ok, so I mix the solution with the powder (Novrell 10,000iu) then I prepped the meds and injection site. Then I realized what the pharmacist did... CRAP! Apparently my pharmacist got my needle size wrong, instead of giving me a 25 1/2 gauge he gave me a 27 gauge. I know it doesn't sound like a big difference but believe me, it is. For those unfamiliar with needles, the smaller the number the thicker the needle is, the larger the number the thinner the needle is. That thinner needle wasn't gonna let my meds flow easily through it, I persuaded my husband to give me the shot since he did all my other intramuscular injections for me. So he did. Once he stuck me, he was having to fight the meds through the syrenge. It burned so bad. He finally got it all in, and by 9:00 last night I had a nice big purple bruise on my rear end. I iced it down to take the swelling down some so its a little better today, but its sore. Oh the price we pay...

But needless to say, I've triggered and we're ovulating.
Gah, I hope this works...

P.O.A 9/6/06

I got a call back regarding my bloodwork they took this morning.
Yesterday my estrogen level was 238, today its 462. So now for my Plan of Action.

P.O.A
9/6 (today) 75iu Gonal-F injection, start taking 81mg Asprin to increase endometrial thickness, and start Estrace 2mg.
9/7 Trigger! 10,000iu Novrell (hCG) injection intramuscularly. (no sex)
9/8 Day 1 Sweet Lovin
9/9 Day 2 More Sweet Lovin
9/10 Day 3 And one more day of Sweet Lovin (if we can muster up the energy.)
9/12 Begin progesterone suppository 400mg
9/15 Mini dose of hCG 2.5k units injection
9/19 Mini dose of hCG 2.5K units injection
9/26 PG TEST! ! ! !

5 day weekend

Friday was our 5 year wedding anniversary. It sure is amazing how time flies. I can remember the day my daddy walked me down the aisle like it was yesterday. At the time I didn't think I could love my husband anymore than I did that day, but now, five years later my love for him is far beyond words can describe.

Friday I took the day off and enjoyed my day at the spa. The massage was wonderful, it ended up being a 2 hours long. I left there feeling 2 feet taller, so relaxed (almost intoxicated.) I am definatly going back to him, he was so good with his hands. From the top of my head to the bottom of my toes, I felt amazing. Then I went to my hair appt to see Arthur, ya know-the gay dude. Well anyways, 2:00 rolled around and I went to his suite. He wasn't there. So I told one of the girls that I was gonna wait for him in the waiting area. So I waited, and waited... An hour passed, still no Arthur. That doodee-head stood me up! So I ended up having my hair done by his partner Donna. It came out cute, I really like it.

Saturday we left for the weekend. I went to San Juan catholic church, then we went to Progresso, Mexico to go shopping. Later that night we went to a family BBQ in Mercedes, TX and visited my relatives. We had so much fun.

Sunday we drove back to Port O'Connor to go fishing. My sister met us up there and while the guys went boating and fishing, we took my nephew to the beach. It was Jacob's first beach experience, it was so funny to watch him. He was running in circles screaming, "Outside! Outside! Outside!" He had a blast. I took tons of pictures for my sister.

Monday the guys went fishing again, and we went back to the beach. Monday afternoon we came home and slept the rest of the day.

Tuesday I caught up on my chores, and today I'm back to work.

On to TTC news.
We're moving FAST. I started my injections Friday, today I had an ultrasound to check my follicle progress and on my
Left ovary: 15.7 , 15 and 3 little ones
Right ovary: 14, 12, 11 and 2 little ones
The nurse said that I she's gonna wait for my blood work to discuss it with my RE, and she'll call me back to let me know what my dose will be. Yesterday I had blood work done and she said my estrogen was good, so she dropped my dose from 150iu to 75iu. She said I have one to two days of growth left for my follicles then we'll trigger. I can't believe it! It just seems so fast. The only one not-so-good thing is that my lining was 6.3 and she'd like to see it at an 8 or more. So hopefully that'll fix itself. But other than that, we're on a roll here.