Day 2

So today is Day 2 of Love Fest.

I'm doing well today, can't complain. Off subject.. Today is Richard's last day at his job, Monday he'll be starting a new job, thats only 5 mintues away from our house AND the best part is that he's getting 2 dollars more an hour! YAY! I'm so happy for him.

Back on the subject of TTC. Its GREAT not having to do anymore shots (for the mean time). If we have to do another round of shots, that's fine. But getting a break from all that, whew! Its stress relieving in itself.

Day 1

Last night we triggered. It went well, Richard gave it to me in the same injection location as all the rest, so it wasn't all that bad.

So today is Day 1 of our 3 day love-fest. When I get home I'm gonna clean up our room, cook dinner, take a shower, and light some candles to get him in the mood when he gets home. Its gonna be a long night! LOL.

Triggering

I just got a call back from my RE. We are for sure triggering tonight, WOOO HOOO!
My Estrogen level came back good. Its at 500 today, so we're on right on track.

So the plan I listed, before this post, is the one we're gonna be following.

Wish Me Luck!

Two Good

So this morning I went in for my RE appt. She drew some more blood work, and brought me in to have another ultrasound. And to much surprise, my ovaries made me proud.

Right Ovary:
1-19mm follie
1-18mm follie
1-14mm follie
and about 6 little ones about 6-9mm each

Left Ovary:
2-13mm
and about 5 little ones about 6-9mm each

So the nurse said she's gonna talk to my RE and we should getting the Ok to do the trigger shot either tonight, or tomorrow. So I have two good follies. YAY!

So here's the plan if we trigger tonight.
6/28/06 No hanky-panky tonight.
Start taking Estrace 2mg (which is estrogen) 6/28-7/17

Thursday-Sunday 6/29-7/1
Make love, and lots of it!

Monday
Start progesterone (vag. suppositories) 7/3-7/17
1 in morning-1 at night

Thursday 7/6 Mini Dose of hCG

Monday 7/10 Schedule Progesterone blood test & consult w/ RE

Monday 7/17 Pregnancy Test!

I'm so excited to have already gotten this far into our first cycle ttc again. Its such a huge step for us.

Come On Ovaries, YOU CAN DO IT!!

This morning's appt went well with my RE. I had more blood drawn and it came back that my Estrogen level went up quite a bit. Friday it was a 38, today it is a 304. Which is good, but not high enough to trigger (to force ovulation).

My ultrasound showed:
Right Ovary:
2-15mm follies
1-13mm follie
and a couple of 7 & 9mm follies

Left Ovary:
2-10mm follies
1-9mm follie

(a mature follicle is 18-20mm)

So my Right side is doing great, and my Left is dragging along.

My Re just called and said she's gonna have me do one shot tonight and I've got to go back in the morning for another ultrasound and more lab work to check the progress again. Its amazing that one shot can make all the difference. So we're anticipating triggering Ovulation Wednesday. Gosh, its getting so exciting. I'm just praying this cycle is successful. So far it looks like we've got a shot at this one working.

Butt Load of Gonal-F

Ok, so last night's shot was by far the worst one ever. I mixed my saline in the Gonal-F powder, and got the serenge ready, gave it to Richard and he gave it to me. OMG, it hurt like a Son of a Gun! WOOO! I cried my eyes out, it felt like my spinal cord was wrapped around the needle and the medicine was bees stinging my spinal cord. It was seriously more painful then an epideral. So finally that shot was done. Richard felt terrible for me, so he held me till I stopped crying and was reassuring me he only is doing the shots to help. He never wants to hurt me. So after all that fiasco, I went to put the needles, and trash away and realized, I didn't mix the shot in both powders! OMG, that meant I had to mix a second shot and have Richard do it again. I wanted to scream, I was so mad at myself. How could I forget?! UGH! So I mixed it, and had him give it to me in the other butt cheeck. That one was ok. Thank God.

A weekend with Jenna

This weekend was so much fun. Jenna came down to visit me, and stayed for 2 days. We did so much in such little time. Saturday Richard had a gig out of town so it was a nice to spend time with a girl-friend. We went swimming, and out to eat Mexican food. The restraunt was near Erik's site so I took Jenna to visit my son. When we got there, all his flowers were gone. I was so sad, so we went shopping to get him more flowers. Jenna helped me pick out some flowers for him and helped me put them in a pretty little bouquet. By that time it was time for me to take my shot so we went to my house. I was gonna let Jenna give my my injection, since Richard wasn't there, but she was to nervous to do it. So I did it. After my shot was done we went back to give Erik his new flowers. I'm sure he was happy to meet his "aunt" Jenna, and thankful for the flowers. :)

The next day I made breakfast at my house, and after we watched a movie we went to the Kemah Boardwalk. It was so nice outside, we walked around for a while and looked at all the shops. For lunch we went to Joe's Crab Shack and sat outside to watch the yahts go by. It was so nice.

After that we had to go drop Jenna off. I was sad she had to go, I had had such a good time with her. Although so many miles separate us, I'm sure we'll remain close if not closer now.

To Jenna: Thanks for spending the weekend with us. I can't wait till we can do that again. Hopefully its sooner than later.

Increased

So Friday's blood work showed that my Estrogen level was low (38) so my RE increased my dose of Gonal F. I'm now taking 150iu, instead of 75iu. Its just a matter of me injecting the saline into 2 powders, instead of one. So its not so bad.

I have an appointment on Tuesday 6/27/06 for more lab work and an ultrasound to check the follicle progress. I pray that all is well. So far I feel ok, no side effects yet, I'm just anxious.

My job is getting really stressful. I hope I'm coping with it well enough to not let it effect this cycle, because nothing is more important to me right now than to have this cycle work.

Lab wk

Yesterday I had shot #4 of Gonal-F, so this morning at 6:45am I had blood drawn at my RE's office. I asked the medical assistant what the blood work was looking for, and she said Estrogen. If the Gonal-F is working, I should be producing Estrogen, and if so that means the Gonal-F is stimulating follicle(s). She should be calling me today to let me know how it comes out... When I get the call, I'll update.

p.s. TGIF!

Three shots down

Yesterday was day 3 of Gonal-F injections. So far Richard has been doing a great job. And I'm doing ok, no side effects yet, and I'm still hopeful for this cycle. Yesterday afternoon I felt a little tinge of pain in my right ovary area and it was a little reassuring that SOMETHING is going on in there. This Friday I have to go in for lab work, and possibly an ultrasound to check my follicle(s) progress. I hope all is well and we're on track.

In May, right before we went on our Florida vacation, we both had lab work drawn for genetic testing. We were told it would take up to 6 wks to get our results. Last week Richard got a call from my RE to tell him his blood work came out good. No abnormalities. I anxiously awaited for my results. Yesterday I finally got my call, and everything checked normal for me too. THANK GOD! I'm so relieved. That's one less thing we don't have to worry about.

I got a tattoo

Here's a pic of my new tattoo. Its my memorial tattoo I got June 1st, on the one year anniv. of Erik's funeral & burial. These are Erik's footprints. I had them the done at the exact size, shape and detail. I got two two twinkles in honor of my first two babies we lost at 7 weeks. And the other two tiny sparkles are mine & my husband's hope for children in our future. I got the tattoo on my back, left shoulder blade. I chose that spot because my losses are behind me, but they are and forever will be in my heart. I'll never forget my angels, and this way I will always have them with me. This was my first tattoo. I was so scared, but I've been wanting it for a long time and it really wasn't all that bad. The first 10 minutes was pretty intense, but the last 2o minutes of it was a breeze. I just closed my eyes are thought of all the beautiful memories I had being pregnant with my three babies. Each one of them was different. I thanked God for giving me the blessings of pregnancy and allowing me to briefly feel what it like to be a mom, even if it was only for a little while. These babies showed me what it was to love instantly, because I didn't think that was possible before them. I thought I'd have to grow to love, but once I saw each baby in ultrasound, that changed my way of thinking. I LOVE this tattoo. Its something I know I will forever love.

I don't see myself getting any more tattoos, I guess because I don't see any reason to get another. My memorial tattoo means so much to me, getting a tattoo just for the sake of getting one doesn't seem like something I'd do. (No offense to those that have "just for fun" tattoos)

RE appt.

I'm starting this blog to document our 4th try at having a baby. My next blog entry will be for those that don't know me and for those that do, and still wanna "refresher". Yesterday I had an RE appt for a baseline ultrasound and lab work. It went well, my ovaries are clear and we got the Ok to start trying again. YAY! I was prescribed Gonal-F, the same dose that we got pregnant on last year. So I went over to the pharmacy to get my Rx filled, and to my surprise my insurance covered over $400 of it. I only had to pay 96 dollars. OMG I was so happy, I wanted to jump over the counter and hug my pharmacist. So last night we started our shots. I talked Richard into giving them to me. They're done intramuscularly so he gave it to me in my hip/love handle area. The shot isn't all the bad, its the medicine that burns when its going in. (So I made him put it in slow.) But I know it’ll be worth it. We have to do 75IU every day this week till Friday. Friday morning I have an appt to check the progress of my follies and if all is on track we’ll then do the trigger shot.I have so much faith and hope right now. God is so good. I know He will bless us all in good time, I just hope its my turn soon. So I'm (Im)patiently waiting my turn...

My Story

My life has been so consumed with having a family its become my wish on a shooting star, my yearly birthday wish and my morning and nightly prayer request. Something so easy for others to have is seems so hard for us to reach. My husband and I love each other so deeply, we have a very solid marriage, and so much love to give. We have a brick house with 2 empty rooms we call the "future nursery" and the "middle room" just waiting for our baby(ies). Now how sad is that?! When we first got married we planned to spend our first 2 yrs enjoying the married life, party, travel, save up for a house, and really get ourselves together before settleing down. We did. We lived the life, we traveled, partied, saved up and bought our house. We began try to conceive (TTC) January 1, 2004. On Feb 3rd, I took a pregnancy test and got a positive. I was so excited, I couldn't wait to tell my husband. But I thought since it was so close to Valentine's day, I'd wait. I never thought keeping a secret could be so hard. I went to the Dr. and he confirmed I was pregnant, and gave me all kinds of new-mommy handouts, freebies... ect. The first thing I did when I left the office I went to Hallmark and bought him a pregnancy calender to keep up with the weeks to follow, and to show him how big our baby is growing, and what to look forward to over the next months. I was on cloud 9. I literally wanted to shout from every roof top that I was pregnant and we were gonna have a baby. I bought all kinds of pregnancy stuff and put it together for him for Valentines. Feb. 14th FINALLY rolled around and he had a gig that night. (He's in a band) Anyhow we got home pretty early that next morning but I couldn't wait to give him his gift. So at 2:00 in the morning I gave it to him in bed. He pulled out the calender and looked at me with this look like, "Is this what I think it is?" I told him "You're gonna be a Daddy! We're having a baby!!" We cried, laughed, hugged and celebrated. We got a few hours of sleep and went to our parents house to tell them the news. I was 5 weeks pregnant. The next week I had a Dr. appointment for my first ultrasound. Everything was so perfect. My eyes were glued to that screen, and I got to see the tiniest little thing in my belly. That was the most awesome thing to see. The ultrasound tech measured my little bity "beanie" and zoomed in to find the heart beat. There it was. It was so tiny that it could not be heard, but it could be seen. It looked like a tiny bean with a flashing dot inside it. That flashing was the heartbeat. She counted them and said "Everything looks great mommy". She said, "...mommy" I never thought I'd actually be a mommy. But it was true. I had seen it with my own eyes. The ultrasound tech gave me a couple of ultrasound pictures of my little bean and sent me back to my Ob/Gyn to get the remainder of the scan results. I went back to my Dr and he took me into his office. He told me pretty much with the u/s tech told me, and that he recommends to all his patients to keep the pregnancy a secret till we reach 12 weeks because of the risk of miscarriage. He proceeded to tell me ratios, and percentages of miscarriage in the world and all kinds of stuff, but I was only halfway listening because I was so preoccupied with the thought of being pregnant. I took care of myself. I don't smoke, an occassional drinker (BUT NOT WHILE PREG.) and I ate well balanced meals, and taking prenatals... What could possibly go wrong? We told everyone, I mean everyone. Even down to the cashier at Walmart. We were just so excited. A week after that ultrasound I began spotting. I was panicing. I called my Ob/Gyn and he ordered an emergency ultrasound to be done that morning. I went in and the ultrasound tech was really quiet. It was so different than last time. She bearly even let me see the screen. I felt in my heart something was wrong. That little flashing light that was there last time wasn't there. But surely everything would be ok... She sent me back to my Ob/Gyn and he again, like last time took me into his office. He said, "Mrs. Gonzales... I'm terribly sorry. But you lost the baby" I was so dumbfounded, shocked, scared, mad, confused just to name a few. The first words that fell out of my mouth was, "What happened to my baby?" I knew what a miscarriage was, but didn't know what a missed miscarriage was... He explained it that my baby stopped growing shortly after 6 weeks, and there was no longer a heartbeat. My baby died. I couldn't believe what he was telling me. I couldn't process the facts in my mind. I went from cloud 9 to the lowest of low in seconds. He made an appointment for a D&C to remove "the contents in the uterus." The contents of the uterus, was my baby. My precious little baby that we loved. We had already dreamed up so many hopes and dreams for this baby.We told everyone that we were having a baby, and now we weren't. I cried all day, and that evening I went to the hospital for the surgery. I had never had surgery before so you can imagine how scared I was. I kissed my husband, was wheeled into the f*ing labor & delivery floor and into the OR room counted to 10 and was fast asleep. When I woke up I was in the L&D recovery room. I was in a pink & blue wall papered room with baby posters. At that moment I hated the world, I hated the hospital I hated the Dr.s I hated the stupid posters mocking me, I hated the wall paper, but mostly I hated the fact that I felt empty, so vialated and robbed, I just wanted to rest in my husbands arms and I wanted to cruel world to go away. The Dr sent me home empty handed, and with a fist full of perscriptions to help for the pain and to help me sleep. But nothing to help my broken heart. That day a part of my heart died with that baby, and when they "removed the contents of my uterus" they removed a part of me that I will never get back. Our little "angel" forever remembered 3/3/04. At my post-op appointment my Dr. said we could try again after 2-3 periods. So we did. We felt we deserved another shot at having a baby. God took our first one, for sure he would let us have our second. A few months of healing emotionally and physically and we were back to TTC again. This time, we were head strong. After my 2nd cycle we tried and to much surprise we were successful. I took a pregnancy test in June and it was positive. So back to my Ob/Gyn I went. He did a pregnancy test and ultrasound and just as before took me to his office and told me, "Congratulations, you're pregnant." Oh my goodness. I was so estatic. I couldn't wait to tell my husband. I thought since it was sooo close to Father's day, I'd wait. I went to Hallmark and bought him another pregnancy calendar and a book that was called, "The Joys of Fatherhood". Again keeping that secret was so hard, but finally Father's day rolled around. He opened his gift and saw the book. He couldn't believe it, we were pregnant again. This time there was a little more caution to our happiness. A part of me was nervous, but a bigger part of me was convinced that I should enjoy every pregnancy as much as the first because if it was to work out one day our child would ask us how it was to be pregnant with him or her. I would be lying if I was to say I was happy, excited and not scared or worried. So I let myself fall in love with my baby. I had an ultrasound and there my little baby was. So tiny, yet so loved, and that heartbeat was there just beating up a storm. The ultrasound tech gave me a picture of our baby. This time we kept it a secret. No one except my husband and I knew. This time we were gonna wait till we reached 12 weeks to tell everyone. That way we wouldn't have to relive the loss evertime someone asked how our pregnancy was going, IF I was to lose this one. We finally reached the dreaded 7 weeks and that night I started spotting. I couldn't believe it. It was my nightmare repeating. I went my Ob/Gyn, had the ultrasound, Dr. pulled me into his office and had the same exact grim words to say, "Mrs. Gonzales, I'm terribly sorry... You had a missed miscarriage." I dropped to my knees and cried. I had to be escorted from his office to my car. I was a complete basket case, my legs felt like jello, my heart ached, my eyes pouring tears faster than what I could wipe... It happened again. I don't know how I got home but when I did all I could think of is how am I gonna tell my husband? No one knows I'm pregnant. Now I have to tell our parents we WERE pregnant but we lost another baby. This time I opted to miscarry naturally. I could've opted for another D&C but the Dr. said the chances of something going wrong were greater the 2nd time around. I felt that 2 surgeries in less than 6 months would be to risky. My Ob/Gyn said it could take up to a few months for my body to realize that the baby is deceased before it would miscarry it. We agreed that if it took longer than a week, I would have the D&C done. I couldn't walk around pregnant with a dead baby inside me. As it was I felt like a walking casket. It wasn't fair. That afternoon my mom came over and I told her the news. She didn't know what to say, but her hug said enough. She felt we should get out of the house for a while to ease my mind from all the emotions so we went to the mall. We hit one store, and in the middle of the mall at Abercrombie & Fitch I gushed blood. So much blood it came out my shorts, went down my leg and into my socks. I looked at my mom, and ran to the bathroom. It started. I cried, tried to collect the biggest clots to take to my Dr to identitfy it, and maybe do some testing. It was to much to fit inside my purse, and continued to bleed through the toilet paper so I had to make the decision to leave it. I was losing my baby and felt so alone. I remember hearing the little girl and her mommy in the next stall. She was trying to use the bathroom but she wanted her privacy and didn't want her mom's help. They were totally oblivious to what has happening only a stall away. It was painful and so gruesome. Our sweet baby, forever remembered 7/3/04 I went to my Ob/Gyn to make sure I had passed everything and I did. I discussed with him my next steps. I wanted to be tested. There had to be a logical reason to me miscarrying my babies at 7 weeks, not a day sooner, not a day later. He said I needed to have a 3rd miscarriage before he'd test. I didn't take that for an answer and I sought the help of a Reproductive Endocrinologist. At my first appointment, within the first 30 minutes I found out one of the major reasons why I was miscarrying. I had a huge fibroid on my uterine lining that was pressing my uterus unto the shape of a bean. It was big as day, it was so big it looked like the size of an orange. That was pressing on my uterus not allowing enough room for my babies to grow past 7 weeks. I needed surgery. So I went under the knife Oct. 16, 2004. I needed some time to recover and we were good to try again after one normal cycle. We tried in November and failed. My new Dr, the Repro. Endocrinologist wanted to take a more active approach so we moved on to taking Clomid, didn't work. She upped the dose, didn't work. We continued testing and found out I have a rare blood clotting disorder called, "MTHFR". Its thromophilia. Everyone's body has emzynes that break down the natural blood clots that our bodies make, well I'm missing that emzyne. So I have to be on meds to correct that. Since Clomid didn't work we moved on to bigger things. Fertility injections and a few thousands of dollars later we were pregnant. We made it to 7 weeks and my heart dropped when I began spotting. For sure I was miscarrying again a 3rd time, I went in and was pleasantly surprised when I saw my baby in there wiggling around and very much alive. I was put on 10 days bed rest and progressed with the pregnancy. It was a WONDERFUL time for us. I was sicker than sick. But being sick only reassured me that my body was changing and progressing along. I couldn't be more happier leaning over every toilet in town, throwing up because my pregnancy symptoms were strong. I began to grow a belly. It was so exciting. I wore that pregnant belly like it was my favorite outfit. I was so proud of it. I loved shopping for cute maternity clothes. I had the glow. We had finally made it to 12 weeks and it was SO obvious that I was pregnant. I told everyone and we really started to enjoy it. We didn't want to know what our baby was, we wanted it to be a surprise so during the ultrasounds we'd turn our head when it came time for the dr to see the anatomy. That little bean grew into a tiny wiggly baby, and that tiny wiggly baby grew into a big baby that could suck its thumb. It was the neatest thing to see. I was due October 16, 2005 and was SO ready. Every day I'd thank God for letting me be one day closer to holding my baby. Before my husband would leave for work, he'd kiss me, then my belly. And when he got home, he'd kiss my belly and sometimes forget to kiss me. lol. We had weekly ultrasounds to make sure everything was ok, and twice we got to take a VHS tape and have a recorded ultrasound. It was amazing. May 5th was my last taped ultrasound. That day our baby wouldn't cooperate with us long enough to take all the pictures the DR needed. Our little one was playing around and hiding. We laughed, for sure it had to be our child already misbehaving. We finished the ultrasound, everything was perfect and we went home. May 16 I was home for lunch and I started bleeding. I was rushed to the ER and had to wait 6 hours to be looked at. I was 19 weeks pregnant and I knew the baby wouldn't make it if I had it. I had dialated 2 cm, and the bag of waters was pooching out. Because I dialated, I got an infection in my uterus. I was admitted, put on complete bedrest and stayed for 2 full weeks. We had good days and bad days. There were so many people praying for my baby and me. The power of prayer is amazing, so we gave our worries to God. Everyday we were one day closer to having our baby. Every day we heard our baby's heartbeat on the fetal doppler, and every day I enjoyed the feeling of my little one kicking and moving around in my belly. May 25th I got news that my infection was down enough to get a cerclage placed. The surgery was successful. They were able to push the bag of water back in and stitch my cervix closed I was monitored closely and two days after the worst news came back. The infection that laid dormant, now was raging again and my baby's life and my life now was in danger. This time there was nothing we could do. I had to have this baby and get me on antibiotics asap. I was about 22 weeks and there was absolutly no chance of survival for my baby. I was rushed to L&D, the stitches/cerclage was removed (with no time for numbing) I was given pitocin to start my contractions. Three hours later I had an epidural and two hrs later I gave birth to my baby. The moment we had been waiting for all my life was finally here, but not in the best circumstances. My baby was going to die and there was nothing anyone could do. I was numb, not just because of all the drugs, but my mind was numb with having to accept that I was going to have to give birth to my baby and my baby was going to die. The room was quiet, my husband stood there by my side during all the contractions, holding my leg and coaching me. My sister in law was there on the other side holding my other leg, reminding me to breathe. And so quickly and quietly my baby was born. The Dr. caught it, and laid him on my chest. I asked him, "What it is? Is it a boy?" He checked and whispered, "Its a boy." The announcement I have been longing to hear were suppose to be celebrated, and joyous. Instead, his tone was soft and was followed by complete silence. He was so tiny. The Dr. cleaned him up. He was so beautiful. He was still alive, his tiny hand opened and closed holding my finger. His tiny mouth was opened so slowly, I looked in it and saw his tongue and cute little gums. I studied his face and promised him that I would never forget him. For the first time in my life I felt like a mom. He gave me such a warm feeling inside that I've never felt before. I loved him from the moment he was conceived, and will forever keep him and his memories in my heart. I couldn't help but to apologize to him for making him go through the birthing experience so soon, but that I would make it my goal in life to live the Christian life as best as I knew how so that one day we could be together again in heaven. And that time it would be for eternity. And I intend on keeping my promise to my son. I remember that day like it was yesterday... Today it makes 1 year, and 24 days since I held my son. Holding my son for the first and only time was so bittersweet. I longed to hold a baby of my own for so long, but knowing he was dying in our arms was so hard to accept. I wanted to press my mouth to his to breathe life into his body for him, but it would be of no use. His tiny lungs were to small and under developed for him to breathe on his own. He moved so softly and gently on my chest. The doctors stepped out of the room and gave us a private moment with him alone... It was so surreal to feel the weight of his tiny body on my chest, the blessing of life was laying before me and God was taking him back before our eyes. I cried my eyes out that day. I prayed his journey to heaven would be a short one, so he could bask in the light of the Lord and have no suffering. To this day if I close my eyes, whisper his name in my heart, I can see his face. I hope till the day I die I will remember that angelic face. I know there will probably be more children in my future, but this one... This one was my first born son. The priest came in and baptized our baby into the Catholic family. I looked into that priests eyes and saw the tenderness of his heart. He blessed us and left the room. We went from planning for a future for our baby to planning a funeral for our baby. I was released from the hospital two days later, and was wheeled out of the hospital without my baby. All I had was a purple folder with information to help plan a funeral, a couple of poems, a memory box with our son's angel gown, blanket, booties, and a copy of his foot prints, and a broken heart. But no baby. I went in pregnant, and went home not. I felt like I was standing still behind a one way mirror watching everyone continue on with their life. It was the weirdest thing. I mean everyone one outside was doing what they normally did and I wasn't. Almost like no one cared... No one knew what I was going through... No one understood my pain.
The next day my husband took me to the flower shop to pick out an arrangement to have on top of my baby's casket. When I told the girl what I needed, she said... "Oh.. for the baby." Apparently someone had already ordered flowers for him already because she had his name. I said yes. And she asked what the relation was, and for the first time, I said.. "I'm his mom" We looked in so many books for arrangements. None of the books had anything small enough. They were all really big and would cover the entire casket. I told her forget the arrangement, I just want a single white rose with a blue ribbon tied to it. Just make an arrangement to have on a stand. We prepared ourselves for his funeral. My mom made his baby blanket, and my mother in law made his gown and hat he was to be buried in. I'm so glad they did. It meant so much to me. When I saw my son's casket, it was so tiny. Only 18 inches of white ivory stood before me. My love, my heart, my joy, my happiness, my son was all going to be buried in a 18 inch casket. The single white rose was perfect. My family sat behind me to support me. The service was short, but sweet. And before I knew it, it was over. The priest placed his hand on my head and my husbands and said "God bless you with the Father, the Son, and the Holy spirit. The love of Christ be with you in all your days to come, Amen." We said our good-byes, sprinkled sand on top of the casket, and just like that my son was forever gone.

I miss him with my every breath. There nothing I wouldn't do to hold my baby boy again. But I know we'll be togerther one perfect day. Until then, I hold him in my heart, and in my sweetest dreams.

A moment in my arms,
forever in my heart.
Erik Michael Gonzales
Born: May 27, 2005 at 12:06pm
weighing 13.6 ounces, 10 inches long.