hpt 1 & 2

I tested yesterday (Saturday) morning. It was negitive. I tried not to be upset because I should be used to seeing bfn's by now, but I guess it never is easy seeing a negitive no matter how long you've been ttc. I didn't tell Richard I tested because he asked me not to test. But now I'm wondering if I should tell him. He's so SO hopeful, and I don't want him to be completely crushed if this cycle was to fail. I know I should have hope, but I don't. I lost what little I had yesterday morning.

So early this morning, I snuck out of bed and tested again. Again it was negitive. I did it for me, I had to try to restore ANY little bit of hope I could by retesting and searching for any reminant of a second line. The test was clear, to clear. It was a definate negitive. Now what little hope I thought I might find, is long gone. I'm trying not to make it obvious to Richard that I'm hopeless, but its hard. He can read me like a book which sometimes is good, but times like this its not so good.

Now if Tuesday's bloodwork comes out that we are pregnant. I'm gonna hit the roof. Right now, hope or faith isn't something I have. So if it comes out that we are successful this cycle someone's gonna have to scrape me up off the floor to revive me. I'm just so sure this cycle didn't take. So sure.
Two more days and we'll know the real truth... But I think I know what it is... Now to prepare my heart and my husband for another another let down, and I hope he's gonna take it ok.