The holidays are just around the corner, and we're not really looking forward to them. I feel so sad that I haven' t decided on a design for a headstone for Erik. Our little angel will have spend another Christmas without one, all because I'm not willing to commit to one design... I'm such a bad mommy.
In January it'll be 3 years that we've been trying for a baby. Its so tiring, and its robbing us from our 20's. Its such a dark place. I know we're aren't alone in this journey, but it feels like we are. Tuesday at lunch, Richard told me, he wants his wife back. Can you imagine what that must feel like? Not just hearing that from your husband, but imagine what he's going through to say something like that to me. He didn't want to hurt me by saying it, I know it was a just genuine feeling that came out. And he's right. I want my husband back to. I feel like this is a personal war we're fighting against infertility, and no one can help. Everyone is on the sidelines watching, telling us to have faith and cheering us on, but no one can help. The Dr's and specialists are there to set up strategic plans for us to try something different to defeat this monster. But at the same time Richard and I are side by side taking bullets to the chest and we can't do anything but just take the pain, try to help each other while we keep fighting. Till either one of two things happen. Either we have a miracle child by the mercy and grace of God's hand. Or we let this beat us, and give in and let it crush us till we die together drained emotionally and physically, childless and grieving for our losses. Not only for the babies we lost, but lost-parenthood, lost-love that we'll never share with a child of our blood, lost-experience of being in labor and giving life to a kicking screaming baby, lost-faith in all that is good, lost-years that we spent fighting this war against something that was gonna beat us anyway, the lose of innocence that we could succeed if we had faith and love in our hearts. There are so many losses that go along with this. Every day feels like another day gone, and we're closer to the end. I can't give up and give in this easily I have to fight, give it my all and hope that if there is a plan for us (like everyone keep telling us there is) that it involves a happy ending. I have to do it for the man that stands by my side taking the same bullets I'm taking and keeps fighting for me. If there is a point to this personal war we didn't want to fight but chose to, I just hope that it ends in our favor. It would make this fight so worth the time and energy... I guess only time will tell.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Just the other day I was thinking that I might actually need to take a break from TTC if we have to do IVF (wait until '07)and I even mentioned it to Daniel just because I feel like we're losing who we were because of all this. Unfortunately, if I take a break it'll mean another lap early next year so I just don't know. I've only been dealing with this for a little over a year so I can only imagine how it feels after 3. Do you ever wonder if you could be happy without a child? It's something I've thought about but I just think we'd eventually adopt if we couldn't have one on our own. I love Daniel to pieces but I know we need a child or children in our lives, mainly because I know we would be great parents, just as you & Richard.
I know it's hard to keep hearing that there's a plan for you...but there is and realizing that and believing that is all in the struggle of building your faith. So many would have just given up by this point but you are still going strong and have kept the faith, which means a lot.
I'm quite surprised by my p4, too, but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I was on such a high dosage of Repronex. Only time will tell!!
Have a great weekend : )
Jennie,
Reading this makes me so sad for you. I hate to know that you are hurting so much. Infertility is a pain that no one should have to feel.
I know that I have lost myself, it is something I deal with everyday, I can't imagine how I would feel if J told me that he missed the old me, it would just open so many scars that I don't want to have opened.
If you ever need to talk, or if there is ever anything I can do, let me know... I want to be here for you....
Post a Comment