November 1st

So now that October has come and gone I realized today that I didn't have a period in October. My LMP was Sept.29th, so that makes today CD34. AF isn't that late, but now I'm wondering if the surgery messed up my cycle. I guess its not a big deal if it did, but now I'm in the woods about when AF's gonna show up. The average length of my cycles, over a 16 month period of time is 30.375 days... Call it obsessive of me, but yes I've kept up with my cycle days for over 16 months straight. And I hate that there wasn't a BFP anywhere in those last 16 months.

Oh my god, Oh. My God. Panic attack!!!!!!!!!!! breathe...... Breathe.. Breathe Its gonna be ok.

I seriously an having a lot on anxiety today. One of the gals here at work mentioned there was 4 paychecks left before Christmas. OMG. I haven't even started shopping. What's wrong with me, everyone else has at least started.

But before Christmas is Thanksgiving. Its up in the air if its gonna be at my house this year. I really, REALLY don't want it to be. But two weeks ago it stormed & flooded, my parents evacuated to my house for 3 days, and when they went home they found the roof had collapsed in the living room. So they're repairing the roof, and after they do that they have to replace the floors, carpet, and couches. So I'm sure my house is gonna come up in the Thanksgiving plans.

So many holidays are coming, and I'm not ready. I'm not. God, I miss my baby Erik so much. I feel like such a terrible mommy to him because I haven't even ordered his headstone. What kinda mother am I? (tears rolling down my face)
Damnit.
There are babies that were buried after my son, and they already have their headstones, and my poor baby doesn't have his yet. Why can't I just commit myself to one design and just order it? Why am I being so picky? It shouldn't matter to me what it looks like, its not for me, its for him. That's IT! That. Is. IT! I'm taking a day off. I declare Novemeber 17th is Jennie & Erik's day. I'm gonna go to that headstone place, and I'm gonna tell him what I want and have it made. I'm tired of looking, and feeling so guilty about him still having his temporary marker. Its been 1 year & 6 months, today, since we laid him to rest. I have to see his name in stone. I have to. My baby deserves the best, and its about I give it to him. I know I'll never have the chance to buy him a graduation ring, or car. So this is it. This is the only purchase I will EVER get to make for him that is a big one. I have to trust I'm making the right decision on the design & color. I know its not gonna be an easy choice for me, because its to permanant, but its time. I have to get this for him now. If I want him to have it before his 2nd Birthday, I have to do this now.