Last night on the news, I saw a story about a baby named Amillia Sonja Taylor. She was born in October at 22 wks gestation, weighing less than 10 ounces and was 9 1/2 inches long, and she survived. Its a miracle this child lived, and I'm happy for the family, and for growing technology, but...
My heart is breaking for my son. Erik was born weighing 13.6 ounces and was 10 inches long... He was given 0% survival rate by the doctors, and I accepted that. I, as his mother, accepted that. Seeing this story in the news, makes me think we were wrong for accepting the doctor's zero percent survival rate. Am I wrong for letting my son pass before my very own eyes, and not fighting for his life? I can't stop crying about this. I feel horrible. I was to a point where I thought I was ok, since there was nothing that could've been done. But now that something HAS been done and that little baby girl survived, I can't help but to feel this extreme guilt. I feel saddened that we accepted, what we thought was only reality, and allowed our son to die. It hurts. It hurts me so bad. I know there could be a millions what if's, but the one that has me shaking is what if we would have fought the dr. and demanded that they at least TRY to save him. Would I still be crying today? Or would I be caring for my 21 month old child?
I have to end this post so I can try to gather myself again.
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5 comments:
I don't know if my words are going to help Jennie - because I can't even comprehend how you feel. What I do know is that - the story you read is getting so much media attention - because it is a MIRACLE - it has nothing to do with giving up or not giving up.
Erik is watching over you now and that beautiful little bean growing inside of you. Hold on to that - all the what ifs in the world will not change the past.
As much as it hurts - things have a way of working out - please have faith.
I hope you feel better soon.
I'm so sorry, I know it must be extremely difficult. In my heart, I believe everything happens for a reason. The decisions we make have really already been made for us; we just have to struggle sometimes to get to the point of finally making that decision.
Of course, I pray that this little girl has a long & healthy life but her tiny body has already been through so very much.
I hope you feel better and, like pp said, remember that Erik is still with you always. You've got a beautiful life inside of you and I know he had something to do with that :)
Jennie, I'm so sorry you're hurting. I wish there was something I could say to take your pain away. I've never met you but I know one thing for sure. You made the absolute best decision you could. If you or the doctors thought for a moment that there was a chance of saving him, you would have thrown everything you had into that fight. Please don't be so hard on yourself. It's not good for you and it's not good for Erik's new brother or sister. Take good care!
I had a 23.5 weeker and a 25 weeker both die in my arms.
No one told me the incredible pain our sons would endure in the NICU ... they were in soooo much pain it was more than what was fair. Brain bleeds, tubes down their throats and needles in their hands, belly and arms, surgeries, seizures, blood transfusions, drugs and so much more.
Mercy allowed me to finally let them go in peace. As hard as it is to imagine, you truly made the most compassionate, loving, selfless decision. Knowing now, what I didn't know then, I wish I would have had the courage to do the same.
Stay encouraged.
I found this website that describes life after prematurity. Check it out .. it offers a often neglected perspective ....
http://thepreemieexperiment.blogspot.com/
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