Its been a rough two days. It felt like I had taken two steps back, into the grief I thought I was leaving behind. On Ash Wednesday after work, I met Richard at church. After mass, we received the ashes. And as our priest crossed my forehead with ashes he looked me in the eyes and said, "Remember, Man is dust, and unto dust you shall return." Listening to that one short sentence reminded me that life is to short. And that I should not spend the rest of my life beating myself up for what I should've done or said differently. On my way out of church I pick up a card that said "the ashes symbolize penance and contrition, they are also a reminder that God is gracious and merciful to those who call on Him with repentant hearts. His Divine mercy is of utmost importance during the season of Lent, and the Church calls on us to seek that mercy during the entire Lenten season with reflection, prayer, and penance." I tucked the card in my purse. When I got home, I read it again. Its amazing how when I need it the most, the church has a way of hitting a soft spot in my heart.
God is gracious and merciful to those that call on Him and we should seek mercy this Lenten season with prayer & reflection...
The two weeks I spent in the hospital with Erik, we prayed that whatever God's plan was for us we we'd accept. After our son died, I told God that I accepted that Erik was gone, but begged Him every day to please send us the strength and peace to continue living. At times I felt like I was going to die from my deeply broken heart, I've never hurt so bad before in my life. As time passed I began to seek strength in myself and my husband. Our family and friends reached out the best they knew how and embraced us. Although no one truly understood the depth of our pain and I can't really expect anyone to unless they've given birth and have had to hold their dying child in their arms. Since Richard and I really didn't have a decision to make for our son's life, because Erik didn't have a survival rate, the decision was already made for us. So I began to try to pick up the pieces from our shatter lives and gather peace from the short but sweet memories and pictures of my son. It still hurts that I can not see my son everyday, like little Amillia's parents can. But I know the day that I DO see my precious baby boy again, I will look him in the eyes and tell him that his daddy and I love him so much we put his life in God's hands. We did all that we could physically, medically and spiritually, and there are no regrets. And hope that in my son's eyes, and in God's eyes they both see that Richard and I have tried to be the best parents to we could to Erik, during and after his short life.
So this Lenten season, I am going to try to be less hard on myself. I'd like to think I treat my body kindly with all the resting, and pampering I do for myself. But inside, I'm a wreck. I am so hard on myself. I take the little failures in life and over-analyze them to somehow make things out to always be MY fault. Not everything in life is controllable. And its hard for me to accept and believe it, but I know some things are just out of our hands, and in His hands.
( Oh, and... I gave up chocolate for Lent. )
Friday, February 23, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Really struggling with this.. Did we do the right thing?
Last night on the news, I saw a story about a baby named Amillia Sonja Taylor. She was born in October at 22 wks gestation, weighing less than 10 ounces and was 9 1/2 inches long, and she survived. Its a miracle this child lived, and I'm happy for the family, and for growing technology, but...
My heart is breaking for my son. Erik was born weighing 13.6 ounces and was 10 inches long... He was given 0% survival rate by the doctors, and I accepted that. I, as his mother, accepted that. Seeing this story in the news, makes me think we were wrong for accepting the doctor's zero percent survival rate. Am I wrong for letting my son pass before my very own eyes, and not fighting for his life? I can't stop crying about this. I feel horrible. I was to a point where I thought I was ok, since there was nothing that could've been done. But now that something HAS been done and that little baby girl survived, I can't help but to feel this extreme guilt. I feel saddened that we accepted, what we thought was only reality, and allowed our son to die. It hurts. It hurts me so bad. I know there could be a millions what if's, but the one that has me shaking is what if we would have fought the dr. and demanded that they at least TRY to save him. Would I still be crying today? Or would I be caring for my 21 month old child?
I have to end this post so I can try to gather myself again.
My heart is breaking for my son. Erik was born weighing 13.6 ounces and was 10 inches long... He was given 0% survival rate by the doctors, and I accepted that. I, as his mother, accepted that. Seeing this story in the news, makes me think we were wrong for accepting the doctor's zero percent survival rate. Am I wrong for letting my son pass before my very own eyes, and not fighting for his life? I can't stop crying about this. I feel horrible. I was to a point where I thought I was ok, since there was nothing that could've been done. But now that something HAS been done and that little baby girl survived, I can't help but to feel this extreme guilt. I feel saddened that we accepted, what we thought was only reality, and allowed our son to die. It hurts. It hurts me so bad. I know there could be a millions what if's, but the one that has me shaking is what if we would have fought the dr. and demanded that they at least TRY to save him. Would I still be crying today? Or would I be caring for my 21 month old child?
I have to end this post so I can try to gather myself again.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Valentine & Ultrasound 2
On Valentine's we went to the cemetary to take Erik his Valentine I made him, I was so proud of it. Here's a picture of it hanging on my door. I know I'm not great at making bows, but I'm working on it. When we got to the cemetary I was so happy to see that my parents had visited Erik and gave him a froggie balloon holding a heart that said "I love you." It was so cute!
We spent a little time there talkin to Erik, and from there Richard took me out to one of our favorite Mexican resteraunts. Once I got in there I actually had an appetite, which was surprising because my morning sickness has really been wreaking havoc these days. We ate, and once we got home we exchanged gifts. Richard is such a sweetie. He gave me a beautiful Willow Tree statue to add to my collection, the Angel of New Beginnings. He also gave me a really nice box of chocolates, and a book I had mentioned a while back that I wanted.
Yesterday the ultrasound went well. Its so exciting to see our sweet little dumpling growing. "He's" now a whopping 9mm big! RE said baby's measurements are right on track and so is the heartbeat. I was SO relieved. My ultrasound tech is so great, she gave me 7 pictures, all different poses. (Well, they all pretty much look the same because the only real movement is the heartbeat. But I love 'em) I am so glad to have such a nice ultrasound tech, she's the one that monitored my ovaries while we've been ttc (w/injections) and she did all my ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Erik. She's so great. And my ovaries are looking a little better. The residual follicles/cysts have shrunk, slightly. The 66mm one is now a 61mm, the 57 is a 53, the 56 is a 54, and all the 40-30mm ones are now 35mm and under. My ovaries still look like I have one big, huge, uni-ovary but the shrinkage is a good sign. And the swelling in my tummy has gone down some. I can fit back into my pre-pregnancy jeans without having to hop around.
Yesterday the ultrasound went well. Its so exciting to see our sweet little dumpling growing. "He's" now a whopping 9mm big! RE said baby's measurements are right on track and so is the heartbeat. I was SO relieved. My ultrasound tech is so great, she gave me 7 pictures, all different poses. (Well, they all pretty much look the same because the only real movement is the heartbeat. But I love 'em) I am so glad to have such a nice ultrasound tech, she's the one that monitored my ovaries while we've been ttc (w/injections) and she did all my ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Erik. She's so great. And my ovaries are looking a little better. The residual follicles/cysts have shrunk, slightly. The 66mm one is now a 61mm, the 57 is a 53, the 56 is a 54, and all the 40-30mm ones are now 35mm and under. My ovaries still look like I have one big, huge, uni-ovary but the shrinkage is a good sign. And the swelling in my tummy has gone down some. I can fit back into my pre-pregnancy jeans without having to hop around.
So yall. Here's one of the pictures I got yesterday.
(Isn't my little babycakes so CUTE!)
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Guns & Valentine's Day, don't mix
I work for the utility company, and my group of guys work in the field turning customer's power off for those that move out and/or didn't pay their bill. They do turn-on's too, but anyway. The guys normally call me on the radio after each disconnect for non-payment, so I can start processing the work order. This morning I got a distrubing call over the radio. One of my guys is yelling "CALL THE POLICE, THIS GUY HAS A GUN!!! CALL THE POLICE!" I run to my bosses office so they can hear what's going on, I get his location and ask him if he is able to leave the location. Thank God, he was able to. We call the police, and are now working on police reports. MY GOD! I'm still shaking. I have a such great group of guys, I'd never want anything to happen to any of them. I love them like my brothers. Its so scary to think of what could've happened. My heart is RACING!
It makes me so mad. ALL THIS, just because a fu^kin idiotic customer didn't pay his bill, and didn't want to get disconnected for non-payment! GAH! My guys are just doing their job.
It doens't take a rocket scientiest to know that when you don't pay your light bill, you're gonna get cut off.
**sigh** What a day.
OK. Now that I've vented that off.
Happy Valentine's Day, ladies.
I hope your day is filled with lots of love and chocolates!
XOXOXO
It makes me so mad. ALL THIS, just because a fu^kin idiotic customer didn't pay his bill, and didn't want to get disconnected for non-payment! GAH! My guys are just doing their job.
It doens't take a rocket scientiest to know that when you don't pay your light bill, you're gonna get cut off.
**sigh** What a day.
OK. Now that I've vented that off.
Happy Valentine's Day, ladies.
I hope your day is filled with lots of love and chocolates!
XOXOXO
Monday, February 12, 2007
No Ketones
Friday evening my family came over to visit. We ate ice-cream and played games all evening together, it was so much fun. Saturday and Sunday I laid around the house all day, like I do every weekend, on bed rest.
This morning I got up early for my RE appt. Well it really wasn't an appointment, I just had to go in and leave a urine sample to see if I still had ketones in my urine. I got a call around 11:30 saying my urine tested clear. I no longer have ketones in my urine, which means I'm now getting enough protein & carbs, and I'm drinking enough water. Gosh, I'm such a good girl. I have been working really hard at trying to drink my 64 oz. a day, 48 oz. of other fluids, and drinking my daily Ensure. Then trying to eat healthy meals. Its hard, but I'm not complaining. The morning sickness is all day, but I haven't "tossed my cookies" yet so I'm doing well. I thought I was this morning, but somehow managed to kept my mind off it till it went away.
Preggo Tip: If your Dr. puts you on an Ensure a day, put a little milk in it. It makes it MUCH easier to drink. You can even mix the Vanilla Ensure with milk and pour it into your favorite cold cereal. MMmm. Oh, and now they have Ensure snacks. Not all grocery stores carry them, our H-E-B does but Wal-mart doesn't.
3 more days till my next ultrasound. I'm hoping we'll be able to hear our litle one's heartbeat, it may still be to early, but we'll see.
This morning I got up early for my RE appt. Well it really wasn't an appointment, I just had to go in and leave a urine sample to see if I still had ketones in my urine. I got a call around 11:30 saying my urine tested clear. I no longer have ketones in my urine, which means I'm now getting enough protein & carbs, and I'm drinking enough water. Gosh, I'm such a good girl. I have been working really hard at trying to drink my 64 oz. a day, 48 oz. of other fluids, and drinking my daily Ensure. Then trying to eat healthy meals. Its hard, but I'm not complaining. The morning sickness is all day, but I haven't "tossed my cookies" yet so I'm doing well. I thought I was this morning, but somehow managed to kept my mind off it till it went away.
Preggo Tip: If your Dr. puts you on an Ensure a day, put a little milk in it. It makes it MUCH easier to drink. You can even mix the Vanilla Ensure with milk and pour it into your favorite cold cereal. MMmm. Oh, and now they have Ensure snacks. Not all grocery stores carry them, our H-E-B does but Wal-mart doesn't.
3 more days till my next ultrasound. I'm hoping we'll be able to hear our litle one's heartbeat, it may still be to early, but we'll see.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Ultrasound
Have we got some catching up to do. I've been away from my computer, hence the absence of my updates, because Tuesday morning I began spotting. It wasn't a lot, but definitely enough to scare the daylights out of us. (possible tmi) By Wednesday the spotting turned into light brown only when I wiped so that gave us a little hope that everything could still be ok. I put myself on strict bed rest for those 2 days, and waited for my appointment. RE said we couldn't come on any earlier because it might have been to early to see a heartbeat, and that wouldn't ease our fears. So this morning Richard and I went into my RE's office for my first ultrasound and Thank God, our little one has a heartbeat. The ultrasound tech assured us there was only one little guy in there, but that next week we'll do another ultrasound to make sure no one was hiding, and to make sure our little guy is still doing well. We measured 6 weeks 1 day today, right on track. The heartbeat was a little on the low side 103 bpm, but she said it could be because the heart just starting beating a few days ago, and sometimes it takes a little while for it to strengthen. So my next ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday 2/15.
On the not-so-good side of things, I got scolded for not drinking enough water and not eating enough food. My Dr. said it is bad enough that I could be admitted to the hospital if I wanted to. She's giving me till Monday to "get my act together", and if I don't prove that I can do better than I am, I'm in trouble and may need to be admitted. In all honesty, I don't have any kind of an appetite. I know I have to drink lots of water and I am, just not enough. I drink water and get nauseas, so when I do eat I just eat a little. She put me on: Antibiotics for bladder infection and one Ensure drink a day with high calorie & high protein diet. The other not-so-good thing is that I'm hyper-stimulated my ovaries, which is the cause to my severe bloating. I have TONS of 50mm and over residual cysts. Its so bad that my ovaries are actually touching! In the ultrasound she couldn't see where one ovary ended and the other began. So she said in time the pregnancy hormones should shrink them down. It could take a while, so take it easy. No lifting anything over 5 lbs, no exercising, no climbing stairs, no shopping, just to work and home. And we have to abstain. Richard was there and boy did he have his ears on. It was funny because at times during the instructions he'd look at me, and knod his head like, "You listening?!" So I know he's gonna be in mega-strict mode with me. Which is a good thing. He cares.
So we left the Dr.'s office with a book of what-not's and what-to's, my Rx, and a cute little baby picture. Oh, and a BIG smiles on our faces.
So here is what we've been waiting for. Sorry, its a bit fuzzy.
I don't have a scanner at work, so I took this pic on my cell phone.
On the not-so-good side of things, I got scolded for not drinking enough water and not eating enough food. My Dr. said it is bad enough that I could be admitted to the hospital if I wanted to. She's giving me till Monday to "get my act together", and if I don't prove that I can do better than I am, I'm in trouble and may need to be admitted. In all honesty, I don't have any kind of an appetite. I know I have to drink lots of water and I am, just not enough. I drink water and get nauseas, so when I do eat I just eat a little. She put me on: Antibiotics for bladder infection and one Ensure drink a day with high calorie & high protein diet. The other not-so-good thing is that I'm hyper-stimulated my ovaries, which is the cause to my severe bloating. I have TONS of 50mm and over residual cysts. Its so bad that my ovaries are actually touching! In the ultrasound she couldn't see where one ovary ended and the other began. So she said in time the pregnancy hormones should shrink them down. It could take a while, so take it easy. No lifting anything over 5 lbs, no exercising, no climbing stairs, no shopping, just to work and home. And we have to abstain. Richard was there and boy did he have his ears on. It was funny because at times during the instructions he'd look at me, and knod his head like, "You listening?!" So I know he's gonna be in mega-strict mode with me. Which is a good thing. He cares.
So we left the Dr.'s office with a book of what-not's and what-to's, my Rx, and a cute little baby picture. Oh, and a BIG smiles on our faces.
So here is what we've been waiting for. Sorry, its a bit fuzzy.
I don't have a scanner at work, so I took this pic on my cell phone.
Baby's First Picture
Monday, February 05, 2007
another relaxing weekend
This weekend was pretty low key. Richard had me on house arrest/bed rest again. He thinks that since I work all week and can't be down, on my days off I should rest as much as possible. Oh, now how can I fight that?! lol So I'm doing as "Dr. Hubby" orders and resting & relaxing as much as possible while he waits on me hand & foot. Dam*, I'm so spoiled. ;)
Saturday my BIL invited Richard and my dad to play at some Texas Hold'em tournament. So my sis (and Jacob) & mom came over to hang out at my house. Richard didn't really want to leave me, but I convinced him he needed to get out and enjoy some time with the guys. Just to help him take his mind off some of the stress we've had lately. So he went. They got back around 1:30am and Richard ended up winning 2nd place. He profited $50, so needless to say he had a great time and he came home with a big smile on his face. He was so glad he went, it gave him a chance to relax and play with the guys.
Sunday I wanted to go to church, but Richard didn't want me leaving the house for anything. He said "God will understand, us missing church so I could be on bedrest." I'm sure he's right, but I really felt the need to go and thank God for blessing us. I didn't get to go, but I made sure to say an extra prayer last night. I might stop off at the church on my way home for a little bit.
This morning I was getting dressed and Richard saw me hopping into my jeans. Now girls, SOME of us with "junk in our trunk" like me, gotta jump around to shimmy it all in. lol Yall know what I'm talkin about. We'll that's what I was doing. When I finally got my rear in them, I turned around and saw him staring at me with this hilarious "WTH are you doing?" look on his face. I busted out laughing. I was caught! He told me to "un-jump my happy butt out of those jeans, and put on some maternity jeans." I was like, its way to early for maternity. He didn't seem to hear me, or care. So I grabbed a pair of stretchy maternity jeans. Slid them on with much ease, and found a long enough blouse to cover up the elastic waist band. And he was like, "Now isn't that much better?" Of course I hated to admit it, but it did feel really really comfy... He was like, "Who cares if they're maternity jeans, as long as you and baby can breathe in them, that's all that matters." Ugh, I hate it when he's right.
Tonight's mission: Try on all my jeans and slacks to see which ones I can comfortably fit my hinney in, so I can wear them without Richard thinking I'm strangling myself and baby.
Now THAT should be interesting.
Much Love to all.
Saturday my BIL invited Richard and my dad to play at some Texas Hold'em tournament. So my sis (and Jacob) & mom came over to hang out at my house. Richard didn't really want to leave me, but I convinced him he needed to get out and enjoy some time with the guys. Just to help him take his mind off some of the stress we've had lately. So he went. They got back around 1:30am and Richard ended up winning 2nd place. He profited $50, so needless to say he had a great time and he came home with a big smile on his face. He was so glad he went, it gave him a chance to relax and play with the guys.
Sunday I wanted to go to church, but Richard didn't want me leaving the house for anything. He said "God will understand, us missing church so I could be on bedrest." I'm sure he's right, but I really felt the need to go and thank God for blessing us. I didn't get to go, but I made sure to say an extra prayer last night. I might stop off at the church on my way home for a little bit.
This morning I was getting dressed and Richard saw me hopping into my jeans. Now girls, SOME of us with "junk in our trunk" like me, gotta jump around to shimmy it all in. lol Yall know what I'm talkin about. We'll that's what I was doing. When I finally got my rear in them, I turned around and saw him staring at me with this hilarious "WTH are you doing?" look on his face. I busted out laughing. I was caught! He told me to "un-jump my happy butt out of those jeans, and put on some maternity jeans." I was like, its way to early for maternity. He didn't seem to hear me, or care. So I grabbed a pair of stretchy maternity jeans. Slid them on with much ease, and found a long enough blouse to cover up the elastic waist band. And he was like, "Now isn't that much better?" Of course I hated to admit it, but it did feel really really comfy... He was like, "Who cares if they're maternity jeans, as long as you and baby can breathe in them, that's all that matters." Ugh, I hate it when he's right.
Tonight's mission: Try on all my jeans and slacks to see which ones I can comfortably fit my hinney in, so I can wear them without Richard thinking I'm strangling myself and baby.
Now THAT should be interesting.
Much Love to all.
Friday, February 02, 2007
OMG
I can't believe I'm saying this, but we got GOOD NEWS! This is total surprise to me, it really is. I'm so excited I can't breathe, much less type. Dr. called at 3:45 to tell me that today my hcg is 1,359. I asked what it should be around, and she said over 900-1,000 is ideal.
I can't believe this. I'm absolutely floored. I wasn't expecting good news. I had already given up, surrendered my worry & stress over to God, and prepared myself for the worst. I am speechless... It's completely beyond me how my baby and my body, managed to pull through this.
Oh dear Jesus, I don't have enough words to express my appreciation I have for all those that were, and still are praying for us. The power of prayer is amazing.
God is Good. God IS Good.
updated
Oh, and the ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday 9:00am. By then I should be 6wks 1 day, and we should be able to detect a heartbeat. YAY!
I can't believe this. I'm absolutely floored. I wasn't expecting good news. I had already given up, surrendered my worry & stress over to God, and prepared myself for the worst. I am speechless... It's completely beyond me how my baby and my body, managed to pull through this.
Oh dear Jesus, I don't have enough words to express my appreciation I have for all those that were, and still are praying for us. The power of prayer is amazing.
God is Good. God IS Good.
updated
Oh, and the ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday 9:00am. By then I should be 6wks 1 day, and we should be able to detect a heartbeat. YAY!
4th quantative hcg
Today's the day. I got to my RE's office on time, got my blooddrawn at 6:45, picked up breakfast, and came to work. I thought about calling in, just so I can be home but its probably better I'm here at work to help the time pass faster rather than just sitting at home watching the clock. I'm hoping to get a call with the results before lunch time. Just in case, I've already arranged with my boss that if I get bad news, I'm going home. If its good, I'll stay and finish the day. But its possible that if my hcg is up, that my RE will want to do an ultrasound. Either way, I'm finally ready to know. Richard and I prayed last night, and this morning we said another quick prayer together to start the day. He's been a total saint to me, he's been so patient and he's doing so much to help me around the house, I'm so thankful to have such a great guy. He really knows when to step up his game, and I couldn't be more appriciative of him.
Thanks to all that have kept us in your thoughts. Its is through prayers that I've been able to find the strength to get through this week. Its been a journey this far, and if it ends today I will continue to strongly believe in the power of prayer. Miles, states and even countries apart, you all have touched us in prayer. Thank you so much.
I will post the results, as soon as I get them.
Thanks to all that have kept us in your thoughts. Its is through prayers that I've been able to find the strength to get through this week. Its been a journey this far, and if it ends today I will continue to strongly believe in the power of prayer. Miles, states and even countries apart, you all have touched us in prayer. Thank you so much.
I will post the results, as soon as I get them.
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