Hopeless

I tested yesterday morning and to much surprise, there was no second line. Not even a little. I did that, squint your eyes, tilt it to the right... Still no second line. I opened the curtains to see it in the sun light. Didn't help. I took it to the kitchen to see it in bright lights, still no line. WTF? I didn't expect that. I had to have jinxed it. I get all 4 other tests from this week, line them up and I got 4 faint second lines, and then NO line on the last one. Thats was such a bummer.

I took a shower, wrapped myself in a blanket (because I didn't wanna get dressed) and I sat on the couch and moped around. I got up and cooked dinner, and that's about it. The rest of the day I spend on the couch watching baby shows. Hating every bad mother on it! Let me explain. This lady skydives, parachute fails, reserve chute tangles and she ends up smashing face first into a pavement parking lot. She gets to the hospital and come to find out, she's pregnant. She ends up having this wonderful, flawless pregnancy and delivers a healthy baby. GOOD FOR HER! But if ya wanna jump out a plane, fine. Find out if your pregnant or not BEFORE ya jump out a plane. That way you're only putting yourself in danger, not yourself and a unborn baby. IDIOT!!!! When I was pregnant I pretty much walked on egg shells. My husband didn't let me lift anything heavier than a 1/2 gallon of milk, and this lady can dive face first in to a parking lot and still have a baby? WHY is that? Oh, and then I watched that show about that damn lady that has 16 kids. SIXTEEN KIDS! I'm talking about wanting one, and she can bust out 16? She can give birth to a fricking football team, and I can't have just one baby. I hate her. I really do. Yea, it was partially my fault for watching TLC daytime, but still. I hate that these shows all gotta end so perfect and sappy. Where are the REAL women? The women that attempt pregnancy for years and painfully never succeed. The women that have to face everyday childless and hurting inside because of it. The women that have reality smack them in the face with infertility. The women that have prayed every night for the miracle of a child. The women that have cried every holiday including her birthdays because its another year spent without a child of her own, or without the child she should've had in her arms. The women that finally get pregnant only to miscarry in the 1st, 2nd or 3rd trimester. The women that for one reason or another, or no reason at all have had to give birth prematurely to a baby they know won't live outside her womb. The women that have had to hold their baby as he slowly dies in her arms. WHERE ARE THEY??? Huh? Where? SOME ONE ??? ANYONE?? Where are they?
I'll tell you where. No where. No one wants to see that on TV. No ones likes the sad endings. But you know what? That's sometimes the way it is, not everything is peachey in life. So show me those women on TV. Because THAT'S what real women are, that's what real women go through every day. ::wiping the tears away:: Why is TTC so difficult? Its not fun, its not a happy time, its not easy, its just not fair.

::Sigh:: Sorry... I didn't mean to jump off into the deep end there... But now that I have, I do feel a tiny bit better.

I guess I better go now. I gotta get to bed and take my progesterone. If you were wondering? Yes I am gonna test tomorrow. I don't know what for... Maybe to help prepare myself for a negative for Monday, if that's what it shall be. I just don't have any more hope for this cycle.
Good night.