Its been a week since I've posted and..

I’m doing ok; it’s just been a long week for me. I won’t get into all that’s stressing me out, but I will say that yesterday was a good day. Yesterday at work, I got a bonus check that I wasn’t expecting. I must have been a good girl last year because I got a lot more than what I was expecting. Well, I really wasn’t expecting anything, but when I found out I was getting a bonus I definitely didn’t have that dollar amount in mind. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it yet, but I’m sure I’ll find something to spend it on. Richard got a Christmas bonus and bought himself a Playstation 3 and a couple of games, so he told me (before I opened the envelope) that I could do whatever I wanted with my bonus. But with this kind of money, I just don’t think I can spend on myself. I’m to damn responsible and am already thinking of what bills I can pay off. He wants me to spend it on me, but since my RE has me on limited activity (because of my OHSS) its hard to plan a shopping spree. I guess I can just wait, but it’s burning a whole in my pocket! Lol

Well as for the pregnancy, we’re doing well. We’re 9 wks 2 days and progressing right along. I can see my body starting to change some. I lost 10 lbs (on weight watchers) before I got a BFP, and once I got the bfp I quit dieting. Since then I’ve lost another 5 1/2 lbs (NOT trying.) The morning sickness is all day, everyday. I haven’t really vomited but maybe twice; the worst part of it right now is the nausea and complete loss of appetite which is SO not like me. I love food, my family loves food, and anytime we get together it somehow revolves around food. It could be just a normal “come'on over and hang out with us” kinda day and we still manage to bake up some cookies & coffee before the night is over. But now, I can’t stand the thought or sight of food. And I really can’t stand the food commercials, which happens to be majority of the commercials on TV these days, if yall haven’t noticed. Ugh, the burger.king and taco.bell commercials are the worst. I literally have to change the channel when they come on, or it just turns my stomach. Richard laughes at me because if he has the remote and doesn’t change it in time, I cover my eyes the way our mother’s used to when we were kids and a kissing scene was in a movie. I know the nausea is a small SMALL price to pay for the little miracle we have growing inside, so I’d never complain.
The other change I’ve noticed in my body is that my chest is a bit fuller. On the norm, I’m a C, and now I’m more like a full C bordering a D. Again, not complaining, in fact it’s been appreciated by my observant husband. BUT we're still abstaining (per RE’s instruction) so the fun-bags, bah-zoombas, tah-tahs, knockers ( . )( . ) , or whatever ya like to call ‘em, they're are off limits. You can admire the girls, but keep you paws to yourself. (I’m so mean to him) **evil laugh** tee he he

So, my next appt is March 6th, and its gonna be one of many things. Its gonna be my last visit with my RE before she graduates me over to my ob/gyn, its gonna be my last ultrasound with her, AND its gonna be my pre-op. If all goes well, then on March 9th, I’m going in for surgery. Out-patient surgery that is, and my RE will be placing a cerclage. Its basically, stitches on my cervix to keep me from dialating prematurely, again. Because of my last loss, it was ruled that I have an incompetent cervix, so these stitches will be placed to prevent me from miscarrying again. Well… I, of many woman, know anything can happen. But this will be just to protect me from having any issues related to the incompetent cervix. I know only God knows if my little guy (or girl) is gonna make it, and for now I'm just fine with that.

Spilling my thoughts & Ash Wednesday

Its been a rough two days. It felt like I had taken two steps back, into the grief I thought I was leaving behind. On Ash Wednesday after work, I met Richard at church. After mass, we received the ashes. And as our priest crossed my forehead with ashes he looked me in the eyes and said, "Remember, Man is dust, and unto dust you shall return." Listening to that one short sentence reminded me that life is to short. And that I should not spend the rest of my life beating myself up for what I should've done or said differently. On my way out of church I pick up a card that said "the ashes symbolize penance and contrition, they are also a reminder that God is gracious and merciful to those who call on Him with repentant hearts. His Divine mercy is of utmost importance during the season of Lent, and the Church calls on us to seek that mercy during the entire Lenten season with reflection, prayer, and penance." I tucked the card in my purse. When I got home, I read it again. Its amazing how when I need it the most, the church has a way of hitting a soft spot in my heart.
God is gracious and merciful to those that call on Him and we should seek mercy this Lenten season with prayer & reflection...

The two weeks I spent in the hospital with Erik, we prayed that whatever God's plan was for us we we'd accept. After our son died, I told God that I accepted that Erik was gone, but begged Him every day to please send us the strength and peace to continue living. At times I felt like I was going to die from my deeply broken heart, I've never hurt so bad before in my life. As time passed I began to seek strength in myself and my husband. Our family and friends reached out the best they knew how and embraced us. Although no one truly understood the depth of our pain and I can't really expect anyone to unless they've given birth and have had to hold their dying child in their arms. Since Richard and I really didn't have a decision to make for our son's life, because Erik didn't have a survival rate, the decision was already made for us. So I began to try to pick up the pieces from our shatter lives and gather peace from the short but sweet memories and pictures of my son. It still hurts that I can not see my son everyday, like little Amillia's parents can. But I know the day that I DO see my precious baby boy again, I will look him in the eyes and tell him that his daddy and I love him so much we put his life in God's hands. We did all that we could physically, medically and spiritually, and there are no regrets. And hope that in my son's eyes, and in God's eyes they both see that Richard and I have tried to be the best parents to we could to Erik, during and after his short life.

So this Lenten season, I am going to try to be less hard on myself. I'd like to think I treat my body kindly with all the resting, and pampering I do for myself. But inside, I'm a wreck. I am so hard on myself. I take the little failures in life and over-analyze them to somehow make things out to always be MY fault. Not everything in life is controllable. And its hard for me to accept and believe it, but I know some things are just out of our hands, and in His hands.

( Oh, and... I gave up chocolate for Lent. )

Really struggling with this.. Did we do the right thing?

Last night on the news, I saw a story about a baby named Amillia Sonja Taylor. She was born in October at 22 wks gestation, weighing less than 10 ounces and was 9 1/2 inches long, and she survived. Its a miracle this child lived, and I'm happy for the family, and for growing technology, but...
My heart is breaking for my son. Erik was born weighing 13.6 ounces and was 10 inches long... He was given 0% survival rate by the doctors, and I accepted that. I, as his mother, accepted that. Seeing this story in the news, makes me think we were wrong for accepting the doctor's zero percent survival rate. Am I wrong for letting my son pass before my very own eyes, and not fighting for his life? I can't stop crying about this. I feel horrible. I was to a point where I thought I was ok, since there was nothing that could've been done. But now that something HAS been done and that little baby girl survived, I can't help but to feel this extreme guilt. I feel saddened that we accepted, what we thought was only reality, and allowed our son to die. It hurts. It hurts me so bad. I know there could be a millions what if's, but the one that has me shaking is what if we would have fought the dr. and demanded that they at least TRY to save him. Would I still be crying today? Or would I be caring for my 21 month old child?

I have to end this post so I can try to gather myself again.

Valentine & Ultrasound 2

On Valentine's we went to the cemetary to take Erik his Valentine I made him, I was so proud of it. Here's a picture of it hanging on my door. I know I'm not great at making bows, but I'm working on it. When we got to the cemetary I was so happy to see that my parents had visited Erik and gave him a froggie balloon holding a heart that said "I love you." It was so cute!

We spent a little time there talkin to Erik, and from there Richard took me out to one of our favorite Mexican resteraunts. Once I got in there I actually had an appetite, which was surprising because my morning sickness has really been wreaking havoc these days. We ate, and once we got home we exchanged gifts. Richard is such a sweetie. He gave me a beautiful Willow Tree statue to add to my collection, the Angel of New Beginnings. He also gave me a really nice box of chocolates, and a book I had mentioned a while back that I wanted.

Yesterday the ultrasound went well. Its so exciting to see our sweet little dumpling growing. "He's" now a whopping 9mm big! RE said baby's measurements are right on track and so is the heartbeat. I was SO relieved. My ultrasound tech is so great, she gave me 7 pictures, all different poses. (Well, they all pretty much look the same because the only real movement is the heartbeat. But I love 'em) I am so glad to have such a nice ultrasound tech, she's the one that monitored my ovaries while we've been ttc (w/injections) and she did all my ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Erik. She's so great. And my ovaries are looking a little better. The residual follicles/cysts have shrunk, slightly. The 66mm one is now a 61mm, the 57 is a 53, the 56 is a 54, and all the 40-30mm ones are now 35mm and under. My ovaries still look like I have one big, huge, uni-ovary but the shrinkage is a good sign. And the swelling in my tummy has gone down some. I can fit back into my pre-pregnancy jeans without having to hop around.

So yall. Here's one of the pictures I got yesterday.

(Isn't my little babycakes so CUTE!)

Guns & Valentine's Day, don't mix

I work for the utility company, and my group of guys work in the field turning customer's power off for those that move out and/or didn't pay their bill. They do turn-on's too, but anyway. The guys normally call me on the radio after each disconnect for non-payment, so I can start processing the work order. This morning I got a distrubing call over the radio. One of my guys is yelling "CALL THE POLICE, THIS GUY HAS A GUN!!! CALL THE POLICE!" I run to my bosses office so they can hear what's going on, I get his location and ask him if he is able to leave the location. Thank God, he was able to. We call the police, and are now working on police reports. MY GOD! I'm still shaking. I have a such great group of guys, I'd never want anything to happen to any of them. I love them like my brothers. Its so scary to think of what could've happened. My heart is RACING!

It makes me so mad. ALL THIS, just because a fu^kin idiotic customer didn't pay his bill, and didn't want to get disconnected for non-payment! GAH! My guys are just doing their job.
It doens't take a rocket scientiest to know that when you don't pay your light bill, you're gonna get cut off.

**sigh** What a day.

OK. Now that I've vented that off.

Happy Valentine's Day, ladies.

I hope your day is filled with lots of love and chocolates!

XOXOXO

No Ketones

Friday evening my family came over to visit. We ate ice-cream and played games all evening together, it was so much fun. Saturday and Sunday I laid around the house all day, like I do every weekend, on bed rest.

This morning I got up early for my RE appt. Well it really wasn't an appointment, I just had to go in and leave a urine sample to see if I still had ketones in my urine. I got a call around 11:30 saying my urine tested clear. I no longer have ketones in my urine, which means I'm now getting enough protein & carbs, and I'm drinking enough water. Gosh, I'm such a good girl. I have been working really hard at trying to drink my 64 oz. a day, 48 oz. of other fluids, and drinking my daily Ensure. Then trying to eat healthy meals. Its hard, but I'm not complaining. The morning sickness is all day, but I haven't "tossed my cookies" yet so I'm doing well. I thought I was this morning, but somehow managed to kept my mind off it till it went away.

Preggo Tip: If your Dr. puts you on an Ensure a day, put a little milk in it. It makes it MUCH easier to drink. You can even mix the Vanilla Ensure with milk and pour it into your favorite cold cereal. MMmm. Oh, and now they have Ensure snacks. Not all grocery stores carry them, our H-E-B does but Wal-mart doesn't.

3 more days till my next ultrasound. I'm hoping we'll be able to hear our litle one's heartbeat, it may still be to early, but we'll see.

Ultrasound

Have we got some catching up to do. I've been away from my computer, hence the absence of my updates, because Tuesday morning I began spotting. It wasn't a lot, but definitely enough to scare the daylights out of us. (possible tmi) By Wednesday the spotting turned into light brown only when I wiped so that gave us a little hope that everything could still be ok. I put myself on strict bed rest for those 2 days, and waited for my appointment. RE said we couldn't come on any earlier because it might have been to early to see a heartbeat, and that wouldn't ease our fears. So this morning Richard and I went into my RE's office for my first ultrasound and Thank God, our little one has a heartbeat. The ultrasound tech assured us there was only one little guy in there, but that next week we'll do another ultrasound to make sure no one was hiding, and to make sure our little guy is still doing well. We measured 6 weeks 1 day today, right on track. The heartbeat was a little on the low side 103 bpm, but she said it could be because the heart just starting beating a few days ago, and sometimes it takes a little while for it to strengthen. So my next ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday 2/15.

On the not-so-good side of things, I got scolded for not drinking enough water and not eating enough food. My Dr. said it is bad enough that I could be admitted to the hospital if I wanted to. She's giving me till Monday to "get my act together", and if I don't prove that I can do better than I am, I'm in trouble and may need to be admitted. In all honesty, I don't have any kind of an appetite. I know I have to drink lots of water and I am, just not enough. I drink water and get nauseas, so when I do eat I just eat a little. She put me on: Antibiotics for bladder infection and one Ensure drink a day with high calorie & high protein diet. The other not-so-good thing is that I'm hyper-stimulated my ovaries, which is the cause to my severe bloating. I have TONS of 50mm and over residual cysts. Its so bad that my ovaries are actually touching! In the ultrasound she couldn't see where one ovary ended and the other began. So she said in time the pregnancy hormones should shrink them down. It could take a while, so take it easy. No lifting anything over 5 lbs, no exercising, no climbing stairs, no shopping, just to work and home. And we have to abstain. Richard was there and boy did he have his ears on. It was funny because at times during the instructions he'd look at me, and knod his head like, "You listening?!" So I know he's gonna be in mega-strict mode with me. Which is a good thing. He cares.

So we left the Dr.'s office with a book of what-not's and what-to's, my Rx, and a cute little baby picture. Oh, and a BIG smiles on our faces.


So here is what we've been waiting for. Sorry, its a bit fuzzy.
I don't have a scanner at work, so I took this pic on my cell phone.

Baby's First Picture

another relaxing weekend

This weekend was pretty low key. Richard had me on house arrest/bed rest again. He thinks that since I work all week and can't be down, on my days off I should rest as much as possible. Oh, now how can I fight that?! lol So I'm doing as "Dr. Hubby" orders and resting & relaxing as much as possible while he waits on me hand & foot. Dam*, I'm so spoiled. ;)

Saturday my BIL invited Richard and my dad to play at some Texas Hold'em tournament. So my sis (and Jacob) & mom came over to hang out at my house. Richard didn't really want to leave me, but I convinced him he needed to get out and enjoy some time with the guys. Just to help him take his mind off some of the stress we've had lately. So he went. They got back around 1:30am and Richard ended up winning 2nd place. He profited $50, so needless to say he had a great time and he came home with a big smile on his face. He was so glad he went, it gave him a chance to relax and play with the guys.

Sunday I wanted to go to church, but Richard didn't want me leaving the house for anything. He said "God will understand, us missing church so I could be on bedrest." I'm sure he's right, but I really felt the need to go and thank God for blessing us. I didn't get to go, but I made sure to say an extra prayer last night. I might stop off at the church on my way home for a little bit.

This morning I was getting dressed and Richard saw me hopping into my jeans. Now girls, SOME of us with "junk in our trunk" like me, gotta jump around to shimmy it all in. lol Yall know what I'm talkin about. We'll that's what I was doing. When I finally got my rear in them, I turned around and saw him staring at me with this hilarious "WTH are you doing?" look on his face. I busted out laughing. I was caught! He told me to "un-jump my happy butt out of those jeans, and put on some maternity jeans." I was like, its way to early for maternity. He didn't seem to hear me, or care. So I grabbed a pair of stretchy maternity jeans. Slid them on with much ease, and found a long enough blouse to cover up the elastic waist band. And he was like, "Now isn't that much better?" Of course I hated to admit it, but it did feel really really comfy... He was like, "Who cares if they're maternity jeans, as long as you and baby can breathe in them, that's all that matters." Ugh, I hate it when he's right.

Tonight's mission: Try on all my jeans and slacks to see which ones I can comfortably fit my hinney in, so I can wear them without Richard thinking I'm strangling myself and baby.
Now THAT should be interesting.

Much Love to all.

OMG

I can't believe I'm saying this, but we got GOOD NEWS! This is total surprise to me, it really is. I'm so excited I can't breathe, much less type. Dr. called at 3:45 to tell me that today my hcg is 1,359. I asked what it should be around, and she said over 900-1,000 is ideal.

I can't believe this. I'm absolutely floored. I wasn't expecting good news. I had already given up, surrendered my worry & stress over to God, and prepared myself for the worst. I am speechless... It's completely beyond me how my baby and my body, managed to pull through this.

Oh dear Jesus, I don't have enough words to express my appreciation I have for all those that were, and still are praying for us. The power of prayer is amazing.
God is Good. God IS Good.



updated

Oh, and the ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday 9:00am. By then I should be 6wks 1 day, and we should be able to detect a heartbeat. YAY!

4th quantative hcg

Today's the day. I got to my RE's office on time, got my blooddrawn at 6:45, picked up breakfast, and came to work. I thought about calling in, just so I can be home but its probably better I'm here at work to help the time pass faster rather than just sitting at home watching the clock. I'm hoping to get a call with the results before lunch time. Just in case, I've already arranged with my boss that if I get bad news, I'm going home. If its good, I'll stay and finish the day. But its possible that if my hcg is up, that my RE will want to do an ultrasound. Either way, I'm finally ready to know. Richard and I prayed last night, and this morning we said another quick prayer together to start the day. He's been a total saint to me, he's been so patient and he's doing so much to help me around the house, I'm so thankful to have such a great guy. He really knows when to step up his game, and I couldn't be more appriciative of him.

Thanks to all that have kept us in your thoughts. Its is through prayers that I've been able to find the strength to get through this week. Its been a journey this far, and if it ends today I will continue to strongly believe in the power of prayer. Miles, states and even countries apart, you all have touched us in prayer. Thank you so much.

I will post the results, as soon as I get them.

my thoughts

Two more days till we find out what's going to happen with this pregnancy. In a way, I'm anxious to find out. But in another way, I'm kinda glad I had these few days of not-knowing to prepare myself for what's to come.

Honestly, I can't say I have much hope. With my #'s being as low as they were last week & Monday, I know its not likely for this pregnancy to work out. I know that probably sounds bad, but its what I feel in my heart. I'm really trying to stay realistic... I know the odds, and its not looking good. However, I do have faith, and I do believe in miracles. I don't know that we'll get to experince a miracle, but I believe its still possible since its not over yet. I am sure that whatever happens, we're gonna be ok. It would be heartbreaking if we have to accept another loss, but we can pull through it. We've been through worse. So I know we'll be ok.

I knew going into this, that me being high-risk made our the chances of a successful pregnancy slim and I accepted that. That's life. I don't like it, but I can't change it, and if we want to have the family we've dreamt of we have to continue on forward.

Two more days, and we'll know.

long weekend of waiting

*********UPDATE***********

I just got the results back from my bloodwork. My hcg didn't double, but it didn't go down either. Friday 233, and today 348. My RE said we'll repeat the beta again this Friday, and if my #'s go up we'll do an ultrasound to look for a heartbeat. So we're gonna have to wait 4 more days to find out what's going on. I'm relieved it didn't go down, so that has me hopeful, but we're still in the same boat as before. Wondering.

-----------------------------------------------
This weekend was a long one. Richard put me on bed rest/house arrest. We watched movies all weekend, ate, laughed, cried, prayed, and tried to sleep as much as possible to make the time pass. At first it was nice, but then by Saturday afternoon I had, had enough. My back hurt, and I felt gross from just laying around all day long. It was so bad my legs had jitters, and made me want to run around the house a couple of times to shake the feeling out. Richard really waited on me hand & foot. He went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, washed dishes, did the laundry, he even made sure I had all the remotes & phones in arms reach just in case I needed them. What would I do without him.

I am really nervous about this blookwork. I'm hopeing this weekend helped and our baby got the boost of energy he/she needed to make it through. I am so hopeful. We prayed so hard this weekend, and we are so thankful to have so many friends and family praying for us and our little sweet dumpling. I really hope that its in God will, for this baby to make it.

I guess time will tell. I'll post the results as soon as I find out...

Not Good News... Prayers Needed

I got the results to this morning's beta. My RE said she wanted to see it >280, this morning mine was 233. I have to go back Monday morning to re-test to find out what its at. I'm really scared, I can't lose another baby. I just can't. I know I can't give up yet, because as of right now I'm still pregnant. But I don't know for how much longer.

I asked if there was anything else I could do to help this pregnancy, and she said keep drinking lots of water, continue taking my meds, rest, and try not to stress. (Like that's possible)

Then to add "insult to injury", my thyroid levels showed to be elevated. So she's starting me on some kind of medicine for that. Great. Just what I needed. More drugs.

So I'm off to a weekend of worrying.



p.s. Please keep my baby in your prayers.

2nd quantative hcg

Last night I asked Richard to wake me up early because my appt for 6:45 and it takes me 30 minutes to get to my RE's office. Well, he forgot. He just so happened to wake me up at 6:10 to ask me where the checkbook was. UGH! I had just a couple minutes to jump into whatever outfit I could find, wash up & brush my teeth and run out the door. GAH!
However I did manage to make it on time...
Just call me, Speedy Gonzales! AYE-YA-YA-EEE!

The nurse that always takes my blood, hugged and congratulated me, then took my blood. It was sweet, she said she was thinking about how happy I must have been when she saw that my test came out positive. She's been taking my blood for 2 yrs now, and I'm such a frequent blood-giver, we see a lot of each other. Once she was done, I asked her about when I'd be having a 1st u/s. She said the first week into Feb. 5-7th-ish. That is, if this quant. hcg came out well, and my #'s are doubling as they should. I asked her how far along I'm showing to be and she said 4 wks 6 days. I thought I'd be around 3 wks 5 days... But I'll go with whatever they say.

So I'll be getting a call back w/my #'s and I'll be sure to update yall.

TGIF!

hmmm, I really am pregnant...

Gosh. Even though its my 4th pregnancy, the thought of ME actually being pregnant its still so new to me right now. Not just being one day after we found out we are, just everything about it. Kinda hard to put into words. I mean in the last few days I went from really hopeful, to trying to think positive, losing hope because I started spotting & cramping, then POW!!! I was hit with a BFP. Its weird. Don't get me wrong. I am SOooo SOOOOooo excited, I guess I'm just really overwhelmed right now. It hasn't really soaked in yet. My mind is stuck in LaLa Land, and it doesn't seem real to me.

Tomorrow morning at 6:45am I have to go in for another quantative hcg bloodwork, to make sure my #'s are doubling like they should. To me I see it as another "hurdle" I have to jump over to get a little closer to the finish line. I know there are gonna be A LOT of hurdles, but I'm ready. As ready as I'm ever gonna be.

BFP!

THANK YOU JESUS!

FINALLY the day I've been counting down to.
I woke up from a sleepless night at 6:00am and was at my RE's office by 6:30am.
I was so excited, and so ready to know. I put a little make-up on in the car, just to waste a little time, till it was time for my appt. I went in, gave my blood, left, stopped at Whataburger for a quick breakfast, and went home. Now the wait begins.

Last month I knew the results by 9:30am, so I was expecting to get them by then.
9:30 rolled around, and nothing... The phone rang, I jumped up and it was Jenna. lol
We talked for a while, and waited for THE CALL. 10:00.. Nothing...
I was starting to worry. Then finally at 11:08 the phone rang. It was my RE.

"Mrs. Gonzales?"

"yes..."

"How are you?"

"umm ok, just a little nervous & anxious. Well?"

"Well.." LONG PAUSE

"We got a positive, Congratulations!"

"You Mean I'M?"

"Yes m'am, you're pregnant."

"Are you sure?"

She laughed, "yes, I'm sure."

We talked for a little longer, then hung up. Tears streaming down my face, all I could do was Thank God.
Thank Him for blessing us with a 4th chance at having a baby. And thank Him for the tiny miracle He put inside me. No matter what happens, this pregnancy is such a blessing already, and we are so thankful.
Gosh, I still can't believe it. It worked. We did it. We really, Really did it.

I look down at my belly and can't see much, but I know a little baby is in there that we already love so much.

I couldn't be more excited.
Its so hard to put into words... I'm shocked, thrilled, overwhelmed, all at once. I can't stop crying happy tears...

I really want to thank you all for your sincere well wishes, and prayers.





I'm Pregnant! *sigh* I still can't believe it.... I'm pregnant.




Oh... I almost forgot! She said the HCG range the test is looking for would be around 25-50. My HCG was 178, and my progesterone was 164. Both REALLY good.
I go back for a 2nd quantative HCG on Friday to make sure my #'s are doubling like they should, then we'll talk about doing our 1st u/s to find out how many are in there. YAY!

Crazy Talk

Just one more day till test day. One stinkin more day.
Actually... Its less than one whole day. My appt is at 6:45am, so I have 17 hrs 5 minutes till the blood draw.

I'm going CrAzY. Absolutely NUTS! (If ya can't tell.)
COME ON!!!!! Com-a Com-a COME ONNNNN! Time just won't go by fast enough!

Ok, now its just 17 hrs away. Great! Getting closer by the minute.
I'm so ready to know now. Its really gonna take every bit of me to stay away from the drug store, and to keep me from buying a pack of hpt. Every BIT of me.

Here are my symptoms, just for the record:
Nauseous
Loss of Appetite
Bloated
Crampy
Fatigue
absolutely out of my mind, and loopy

And I've said it before, and I'd say it again. If I'm not pregnant, something is definately going on "in there". I feel pretty crappy, and there has to be an explanation.

I'm trying to be positive, I really am, I'm just ready to find out if this cycle worked or not. This 2ww has to be the worst one I've had in a long time. GAH!

Spotting? - RE appt.

Saturday evening my whole family got together at a nice Italian restaraunt called "Buca Di Peppo" and we had so much fun. We weren't really celebrating anything, we were just getting together to enjoy each other's company, and spend some time together. We ate so much, but still managed to somehow fit dessert in there. So everything was going so well, all the way until we got home. I started spotting pink. I didn't know what to think. Was it AF coming early? Breakthrough bleeding? Implantation bleeding? I was frickin out. I went to lay down and as soon as I did, I caught the world's worst stomach cramp. It was so bad. It felt more like a contraction that wouldn't let up. The cramp was so intense, it brought tears to my eyes. I have a pretty high threshold for pain, but this one nearly sent me over the edge. I was so close to having Richard take me to the emergency room, that's how bad it was. I forced myself to try to go to sleep so I wouldn't feel so much pain, and it worked. Sunday I woke up feeling a little better. The pain began coming in waves, so at least it gave me some time to recover from one wave of pain to the next. I called my RE and she told me to continue taking all meds, rest as much as possible, keep well hydrated, and to call her if anything changed and she'd see me first thing Monday morning.

This morning I went in for an RE consultation. We discussed my symptoms, and she didn't see to be to alarmed. In fact she said that the spotting (since it stopped) may be implantation bleeding. I asked if it was a little late for implantation, and she said no. She said the spotting could also be the progesterone suppositories irratating my cervix causing it to bleed some. But either way we'll have to wait till Wednesday to find out if we're pg, and we'll go from there. The consultation was really for a Plan Of Action, so we put one together for next month IF this first IUI didn't work. The next Plan Of Action isn't much different than this month's, except for adding another medicine; Antegen. (sp?) We'd grow follicles till mature, than take Antegen to stop the growth on the mature follicles to allow time for some others to catch up, then we'd trigger like normal then do another IUI. RE suggests doing 3 IUI's before moving on to IVF. BUT for now, we need to stay positive that we won't need anymore cycles, that this one will be The One.

2 more days till test day. YAY!

3 Cheers for P4!

Hip Hip..... Hurray!
Hip Hip ....... Hurray!
HIP HIP.........HURRAY!!!!!

This morning I went in at 7:30am for a progesterone level check/bloodwork. Well I just got a message from my RE saying that it came out great. It needed to be over 20 and its 155. YAY!
And since my levels are good, I could skip my last HCG mini dose injection YAYYY! AND YALL THIS IS THE BEST PART!!! My Beta was bumped up 2 days earlier. So I'll find out Wednesday, instead of Friday. WOO HOO!
OHHHhhhh the difference those 2 little days make.
So I have 5 days left in my 2ww instead of 7.
Gosh, I hope this is it for us. I really, really do.

As for test day I sheduled the day off work. I took it off for 3 reasons, the same 3 reasons I always take test day off.

1. Reward myself for all that I went through this cycle (injections, transvag. u/s, the cocktail of pills I take daily, progesterone vag. suppositories every night, frequent appts / bloodwork & this time the IUI)
2. So I can be home to accept the news, whether its good or not-so-good. It'll give me time to accept the news and either CELEBRATE and go shopping. OR do the normal crying, pouting & pity-party I throw for myself each time I get a BFN. Then do some much needed "retail therapy" to make myself feel better.
3. And lastly just to be away from work for a day to get myself together again. God knows, I'm a basketcase on test days and would be no good at work anyway.

I'll be sure to post from home Wednesday, once I get the news.

Infertility Humor

Infertility Humor

These jokes may not be funny to some and they are not politically correct. If you're not in the mood please don't read . . . No offense is intended.

How does an RE like his eggs?
Over 20mm!

Why did the RE cross the road?
Because there was an affluent, infertile woman in her 30s on the other side.

One ovary says to the other ovarie, "Hey, did you order any furniture?" The other ovarie says, "No, why?""There are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."

Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions either!

Two sperm were swimming through a woman's body. The first said, "Whew. I'm getting tired. Just how far is it to the uterus?""The uterus?" the second laughed. "We're not even past the esophagus yet!"

How can you tell if a man has a high sperm count?
You have to chew before you swallow!

How do you know that God isn't a woman?
Because if God was a woman then sperm would taste like chocolate!

You know you are trying to get pregnant when:You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . . or . . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21"


Why do gypsies have trouble getting pregnant?
They have crystal balls.

Why do male basketball players have trouble getting their spouses pregnant?
All they do is dribble.

How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two but I dont know how they would get in there.

Getting the Mechanics
There was an RE who decided he no longer wanted to practice. Instead he wanted to restore old cars. To prepare himself for this career change, he signed up for a mechanics course in engine repair. He studied really hard, and the day arrived for the final exam. The task was to find out what was wrong with the engine and repair it. The RE took a little longer than the rest of the class, but he got the job done. A couple of days later he went to see how he did. Up on the wall, beside his name he saw a mark of 150%. He was really puzzled so he went to the instructor. "How can this be?" he asked. The instructor replied, "Well, I gave you 50 points for figuring out the problem, and 50 points more for solving the problem. BUT I had to give you an extra 50 points for doing all the work through the exhaust pipe!"

BBT Lessons
Wake up at 5 a.m. and swing your arm at your bedside table until you find your basal thermometer. Stick the right end of it in your mouth, in the exact same position everyday, and try to stay awake for five minutes. As you begin to wake up, realize how badly you need to urinate and try to resist the urge without squirming too much. Mentally tell yourself, "Just relax, it'll work out" -- chances are you'll hear that a few times today. Try to read the thermometer in the dark while your spouse continues to sleep. When that fails, take it into the bathroom with you. Sit on the toilet and position yourself to either pee in a cup or on a stick. If you're really good, try to squirt a little out first. Give yourself extra points if you manage to do this routine without overfilling your cup or splashing a test window. While you wait, check your genitals for mucus. If you're lucky enough to find some, play with it! Look at it, feel it, stretch it. When you're done, pick up your scientific-looking form and chart your findings. Compute the data, and mutter to yourself, "You're probably just not trying hard enough" -- it won't be the last time you hear that today. If the calculations add up, go back into your bedroom and convince, cajole, and beg your spouse to have intercourse -- and all the while remember not "to let the spontaneity go out of your sex life." After you're done, prop your buttocks up so it's higher than the rest of your body and lay there for a half hour. Figure out exactly how you're going to stay in that position for so long and still have time to shower, dress and have breakfast before you have to leave the house at 6:15. Say aloud, "If you can't even manage to do this, how will you ever manage parenthood?" -- another comment you'll get at some point during the day. When you finally make it out the door, remind yourself that, "This is the easy part" -- you'll hear that later as well. Give yourself a pat on the back for not only completing 5 a.m. chemistry class, but for also getting yourself ready for pop quizzes in interpersonal communication!

The IVF Plunge!
The latest.... The greatest.... Come ride the spectacular new roller coaster, now open at an IVF clinic near you! Take...
THE IVF PLUNGE!
Thrills! Chills! Stabs! Jabs! Laughs! Screams!
What makes THE IVF PLUNGE so unique is that it is actually several rides in one! But not all riders will experience all the rides - automatic track switchers randomly select cars to go on any particular sequence. In addition, selection of a clinic also results in different protocols, behavior, treatment, cost and support. So THE IVF PLUNGE is never the same ride twice!
For more details, read on....
Some riders will experience thrills on the INSURANCE ride! Swinging you around, upside down and inside out, a brass ring of coverage will be tantalizingly close, only to be snatched away at the last minute! For those riders who manage to snatch the brass ring, a FREE RIDE on THE IVF PLUNGE is available! (provided they meet certain restrictions.) Riders who don't grab the brass ring get a consolation prize - a ride on the CASH attraction! Whether maxing out the credit cards, taking a second loan on the house, or sponging off of future grandparents, this is a ride that you will remember for the rest of your life as you struggle to pay off the debt!!
A new attraction for PCO sufferers has recently been added - called DAY ONE. This ride starts with the well-known classic DAY ONE - a big draw in the INFERTILITY group of attractions - and ratchets the anticipation UP!!! Will YOU meet the cut-off date??? Then of course there is the Day 3 FSH - do YOUR ovaries have what it takes?
The first part of the main ride is familiar to those who've been to the INFERTILITY attractions before - OPKs! But the intensity is GREATER - the highs are higher and the lows are lower and the kits are even HARDER to read!! But it all pays off as you move into....
MEDICATIONS! This is the most intense part of THE IVF PLUNGE, described by visitors as the ride from hell!! Whether your shots are sub-cutaneous or intramuscular, you won't want to miss the artificial menopause brought on by lupron, and don't forget THE HORRORMONES! You think you've done injectibles before? You think you're a pro? THINK AGAIN!! With HIGHER levels of injectibles, and DAILY monitoring, this is where the nightmare becomes reality! Then who can forget the terror of HYPERSTIMULATION, one of those random side trips! Another random side trip, POOR RESPONSE, has a chance of ending your ride early!!! Just another sense of anticipation! Can YOU make it through this part of the ride?
If so, it's on to RETRIEVAL AND TRANSFER. This ride is unique in that NO TWO PEOPLE EXPERIENCE THE SAME THING!! Some will sail through with arms raised, careening into the next sequence. Others will be shunted off due to poor egg or sperm quality, incomplete fertilization, or fragmented embryos! Your heart will be in your mouth as you await the phone call telling you how many embryos made it! And will you be sick with anticipation, or is that a reaction to the anesthesia???
Then the TWO WEEKS FROM HELL. Words cannot describe this phenomenon! With daily intramuscular shots of progesterone in oil, this is probably the most painful part of the ride! The highs and lows are even more intense, as you are surrounded by well-meaning but offensive friends and relatives saying "Well?" and otherwise telling you what you SHOULD have done. NOTHING you have experienced in the two week wait of prior cycles will prepare you for this!! You will laugh, cry, scream - all at the same time! You will feel suspended in time as you wait for.....
THE TEST. The most anticipated part of the ride!!! Some random number (depending on clinic stats) will PASS!! Those lucky riders will go on to the PREGNANCY ride, a swirling maelstrom of emotions, changes, and risks! Those who receive a negative beta-HCG are not left out though. They will descend a huge drop of what will seem like ten miles in about 10 seconds!! The misery and tears will be just the beginning, as pregnant women and women with babies and adorable toddlers will be EVERYWHERE! But never fear, because for only thousands of dollars you can once again -
Take THE IVF PLUNGE!!!

80-year-old Sperm Sample
An 80-year-old couple went to the doctor to find out if it was too late for them to have kids. The doctor told them that it would be best if the husband gave a sperm sample, as he could then check his count and see if it was possible for him to father a child.
He gave them a jar and sent them into a side room to get a sample. After much groaning and grunting and even a little screaming the couple came and gave the jar back to the doctor. On checking the doctor found it to be empty and asked the couple to explain.
Well, said the old man, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with my right hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but no matter how we tried we couldnt get the lid off the jar.

The 12 Days of Christmas (for the infertile)
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to mea sperm sample to spin and clean
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me 2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me 3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubs and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me 7 lectures about timing6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 8 reasons for not quitting7 lectures about timing6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me9 new immune tests8 reasons for not quitting7 lectures about timing6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me10 excuses for dreaming9 new immune tests8 reasons for not quitting7 lectures about timing6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me11 mild cramps10 excuses for dreaming9 new immune tests8 reasons for not quitting7 lectures about timing6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 12 HPTs11 mild cramps10 excuses for dreaming9 new immune tests8 reasons for not quitting7 lectures about timing6 positive stories5 mood swings4 new thermometers3 pink pills2 post-IUI foot rubsand a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned

Labor pains
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. The husband was a little worried about this, but wanted to help out so he agreed.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, telling the husband that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he had experienced ever before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine. The doctor looked a little bewildered and adjusted the machine to give the father 20 percent of the pain. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and heart rate and all seemed perfect. They decided to transfer 50 percent of the pain to the father.
The husband continued doing well and started making wisecracks about how women complain so much about labor and it really wasn't a big deal. In fact, he was willing to take all the pain! The doctor turned the switch to 100 percent. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and she and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their doorstep!

The Gift of Life
A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert when their camel keeled over dead. They prayed a lot, but after several days they gave up hope of being rescued. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've been curious about -- what a woman looks like naked. Would you take off your clothes?" The nun thought about it for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With a little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, Sister, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well, for Lord's sake, Father, stick it in the damn camel and let's get out of here!"


"BBT Lessons" and "The 12 Days of Christmas (for the infertile)"Copyright © 1996, 1997 Rebecca Smith Waddell"The IVF Plunge" Copyright © 1997 Laura W. MitchellAll rights reserved. The text from this page may be distributedas long as copyright is attached and the use is not for profit.http://www.fertilethoughts.net/faq/humor/ihumor.htmlLast revision: January 10, 1997

My 100th blog entry

As if thats something to commemorate. lol. On to my lovely weekend.
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Friday I spent the evening at my sister's house visiting her, my mom and my nephew Jacob. He's starting to talk and its so cute. He wants to talk so much, he jibber jabbers then a couple of real words come out like "cars" "colors" "tractor" "vroooom" Its the funniest thing to listen to.

Saturday evening we had my parents over for coffee & cookies. Well it was more like hot cocoa and cookies since the only one that drank coffee was my dad. They didn't leave till after 1:00am. We talked & visited and really had a good time. My mom was really interested in what the procedure (IUI) was like. It made me feel good that she actually was taking time and initiative to learn about what I was going through, physically & emotionally. She had so many questions, it was nice to know she was wanting to learn all about what we were doing.

Sunday we did something we haven't done in at least a year, almost 2. We got up early and went to church. Richard has been avoiding church for some time now, and I had been too. But then I started going by myself, but that didn't last long. I stopped going because I felt very alone in church, even though the church was filled with people around me. I still felt alone. Seeing the babies all dressed up in their "Sunday best" hurt me, the church hymns tugged so hard at my heart, and I need a shoulder to lean on. Not having Richard by my side, made me quit going. I couldn't do it alone, it was way to hard. But this Sunday was a new beginning for us. We went, sat no where near anyone with children, and we really listened and ended up enjoying mass. After church was over, we went to the cemetary and visited Erik. We were so uplifted from our church experience, and just topped it off with a peaceful quiet afternoon visit at the cemetary. I got to tell Erik how I truely felt about this IUI. And that his short but meaningful life will forever be remembered and treasured. His memory is a huge part of us now that I would never try to have another baby to take his place in my heart. I know that the hole in my heart will be filled one day when we are all reunited in Heaven. And I'm ok with that.

Monday my work was closed for MLK day, but Richard had to work. However he did come home to enjoy a nice gourmet lunch with me. Frozen Tortino's pizza. Yum.
It was nice being off work, it would have been nice to have the hubby home with me, but I made good use of my time and got to stay in my jammies and catch up on some house work.

Today is ONE week past my IUI. I can't believe that we still have 10 days till we find out if it worked or not. So far I can't say how I really feel. Maybe its just me noticing every little twinge & pain. But I've had some light twinges of pain in my right side, and I've had sore breasts for 2 days. Coincidence? Or AF symptoms??? I don't know. Drives me crazy how AF & Pregnancy symptoms have to be so dang similar. Oh well.. I guess that's how the "normal" 2ww goes.

2 days past IUI

Physically, I've been feeling kinda yucky lately. I've been nauseas, episodes of cramping, and feeling very bloated. I know its way to early for there to be any kind of preg. symptoms going on, but it seems like I didn't feel this way before the IUI... Maybe coincidence. Or maybe its just me coming down from my nerves. I dunno.

Spiritually I'm doing well. I'm really in a good place right now. For a while I was unsure if I really wanted to an IUI. Being Catholic, and knowing the church's views are on ART... I was hesitant. After much soul-seeking, praying, and religous advice, I accepted and went forward with it. Now that its done, I have no regrets and I'm really glad we did it. Even if it doesn't work, I still will not allow myself to have any regrets.

Emotionally. I'm ok. I'm just really looking forward to finding out if this worked. If this did/does work we'd be due Oct. 7th. That's 7 days before Erik's EDD, and I'm ok with that. Holding our baby(ies) in our arms would be the ultimate ending to such a long & rough journey we've had.

IUI

Monday night I didn't sleep. My mind was so preoccupied with the thought of how this IUI was gonna be like, what's it gonna feel like, is it gonna hurt, but more importantly is it gonna work... I'd close my eyes and picture myself in the cold room, with my feet up in the stir-ups, legs draped with the pink paper sheet to preserve what little modesty I should have, but after 3 yrs of poking & proding, I don't have. I'd picture my sonographer Linda, standing at one side, and my husband at my other side... She has such a sweet calming voice, I really do like her. I wonder if the trigger shot really made me ovulate 7 eggs... Is she gonna be able to see my ovaries to tell me how many I ovulated... Is it possible even this far for this cycle for it to be cancelled if something isn't right... I wonder what my progesterone level is, I hope its high enough to do this IUI. I hope we don't have to do a 2nd IUI Wednesday... Thoughts just spinning in my mind, questions no one had answers for yet... I was nervous, but still so excited...

Tuesday morning we woke up extra early. Richard smacked the alarm, like he normally does, but remembered and blurted out, "Hey, today's the day!"
Yea. Like I forgot.
We got up, my eyes had 10 gallon bags under them, and we left out a little early just in case we ran into traffic. We got there to my RE's office. By that time, I was awake, ready with knots in my stomache. There's a line in the movie, "Riding in Cars with Boys" staring Drew Berry.more that says, "I knew when she was nervous, because she'd put on way to much make-up. It was like her war-paint she applied before the war." We'll that's me. By the time we got to the RE's office I looked Red Carpet ready. I turned for approval and asked Richard how I looked, and his responce was "Beautiful as usual." He's to sweet. Hell, he was probably thinking "like a 2 dollar whore" but I don't care. I looked Gooood. In the elevater he gazed into my eyes and told me how excited he was that today was the day we could become a family. I fought the tears back, as he held me & sealed it with a kiss. I was called in pretty fast and they took my blood. After that we were sent up 2 more floors so Richard could "give his contribution." This time, he went prepared. The last time he had to do that was in Oct. the morning before my surgery, and that's when we found out that the office wasn't equiped with any kind of visual aids. So this time, we made a special trip to the fun shop to get him a video. He loaded up his Ipod with the video, and I wished him luck, reminded him not to spill, and let him go. Last time I went in to "help" but ended up just making him nervous. So this time he was on his own. I sat in the waiting room and read a Sept.2006 magazine. Once the deed was done, we went for breakfast at the Kolache Factory (which I don't care for) and I began to try to drink the 64 oz. of water. I got about 1/2 way done and it was time to go back for the IUI.
Linda came in and started to do an ultrasound on top of my belly so see if my bladder was full. It wasn't. So I continued to drink water. After the 3rd cup she checked again and still, my bladder wasn't full. My belly was full, but not my bladder. So, Maryanne came in saying she could do the IUI without a full bladder, she had been taught to do it with an empty bladder unlike the other doctors. So we started. First the septum "duckie" was inserted, I hate that thing. It seems like it has to be really cold going in. UGH. Then she fed the cathetor up, it was a little uncomfortable and made me cramp. She asked if we were ready, and in they went. It was amazing! I didn't know what to expect to see, but it looked like a puff of white smoke the wiggly white lights scattering everywhere. Wow, was the only thing that fell out of my mouth. I'm so glad Richard was there to see that. Once it was over, she tilted the bed so my head would be down & hips up. Basically upside down. I have to say, that brought back memories of being in the hospital the week before I lost my baby Erik. They had me lay in that "lumbarder" position for so many days, the blood had been up in my head for so long that I had busted blood vessels in my eyes and a constant bloody nose. Yesterday I had to lay there for 10-15 minutes, so that was easy! During that time Richard held me and told me how proud he was of me, and how grateful he was that I'd do all this for us. Once it was all over, he took me home and went to work. RE said I could go back to normal activity, but Richard put me on bedrest. So I laid around all day, napped with I could, and watched daytime television. I'm glad I took the day off. I caught up on my sleep and it gave me a chance to really relax and allow myself to be nice to my body. For these next two weeks, I'm gonna work really hard to treat my body as if I was pregnant. I need to start drinking more water, and stop drinking so many drinks with artificial sweetners.

So today, I'm back at work. So far I feel fine. I did have some light cramping this morning but nothing to bad.

Jan. 26 is Test day. I haven't decided if I want to test before, like I normally do, or this time wait... I still have some time to think about it. So we'll see how that goes.

Whoa, this is all going so fast!

*******update*******
Lab work came back that my Estragen level is 1,218.
Don't really know what that means, but she said it's good.
And RE is gonna have me do 10,000iu of Novrell (trigger) injection. I guess we're going for the GOLD!




This morning I went in for routine bloodowork, and had an ultrasound to find out how my follicles are progressing. I didn't expect much, normally my first ultrasound goes by and I have do a couple more days of shots before the trigger... Well this morning I was very proud of my ovaries. I have 11 growing follicles, and 7 GOOD mature follicles!!! SEVEN! I couldn't believe my eyes! Since I have so many potential eggs, the RN suggested that we only trigger 5,000iu of HCG, instead of the normal 10,000iu HCG. She said that'll hopefully only pop 1/2 of the follicles so I'll only ovulate 3-4 eggs instead of all 7. She's gonna talk to my RE about it, and see what she thinks... So I've gotta wait on a call back for the trigger plan.

Right Ovary:
19.36
17.65
15.92
14.49
14.02
13.65

Left Ovary:
15.40
14.48
14.67
11.36
12.65

So, for the Plan of Action.

P.O.A
Today 1/8/07: Start Estrace 2mg, and tonight I TRIGGER!
1/9/07 7:00am: bloodwork for me, and Richard's got to give his sample
1/9/07 9:00am: Drink 64oz. of fluid, then we do the IUI YAY!
1/10/07: Possibly go back for a 2nd IUI if 1/9/07's bloodwork shows progesterone is low.
1/13/07: Start progesterone 400mg vag. suppositories
1/16/07: Mini Dose injection of HCG
1/19/07: Go in for bloodwork to check on progesterone
1/20/07 Mini Dose injection of HCG
1/22/07 Consultation w/RE
1/26/07 Pregnancy Test

I am so very excited. I have high hopes, and I hope that's a good thing. I wouldn't be attempting something so radical if I didn't believe it would work. I really am so excited, I'm nervous too, but more excited than nervous.
Enough rambling. I'll update once I hear back from my RE.

Shot 3

Yesterday the shot went much better. I set it out a little longer and it went much better than the shot before.

This morning I went in to my RE's office for bloodwork. She's checking my estrogen level, she said that if my # is good then I'll keep the same dose for the shots. If its high or to low, then she'll have me come in tomorrow for an ultrasound & bloodwork to change my dose. We'll see how that goes. I'll update this post once I get a call back.

TGIF!

Shot 2

I think I'm getting the hang of the pen. But I think I've gotta allow more time for the med to warm up to room temp. Yesterday I injected the medicine and it was still a little cold and it hurt going in... Oh well.. I'm learnin.

Follistim Shot #1

Yesterday when I got home from work, I watched the instructional dvd on how to work the Foll.istim pen. For the most part, it was pretty easy. I loaded the pen, and followed along with the video. I think after a few more injections I'll get used to it, but for now I really like that I don't have to mix the drugs myself, its already done. It normally takes me about 5-7 minutes to prep my Gonal-F inj. but doing the Follistim inj. it was super fast, and not to painful. So yesterday's shot #1 went well.

Friday morning I have to go in for routine blood work to check on my other hormones to see how we're doing. Hopefully all is well, guess we'll have to wait & see.

Friday I'll try to post a better Plan Of Action. But for now its...

P.O.A
12/31/06 AF arrived. CD1
1/2-1/4 Start injections of Follistim Pen 150IU
1/5 RE appt for blood work 6:45am

Flash from the past. TTC journey.

Happy New Year. I hope everyone had a fun & safe holiday.

Here's a flash from my past TTC journey.

• Sept. 1, 2001 I married my bestfriend, and our life together began.
• Sept. 11, 2001 Our first day back from our Honeymoon the tragedy of 9/11 struck.
• Dec. 31, 2003 We bought our house
• Jan. 1, 2004 was the beginning of our chapter of TTC, and we became pregnant.
• Mar. 3, 2004 Our hearts were shattered, I miscarried our baby and had a D&C
• May 2004 We became pregnant again.
• July 3, 2004 Our nightmare repeated itself, I miscarried our baby (naturally)
• Aug. 2004 My sister annouced she was preg.
• Sept. 2004 I began seeing my RE & was diagnosed w/MTHFR
• Oct. 16, 2004 I had a hysteroscopy to remove uterine fibroid (contributing factor to m/c's)
• Nov. 2004 Failed "Clomid Challange"
• Dec. 2004 Failed Gonal-F injection Cycle
• Jan. 31, 2005 Day of my sister's baby shower, RE called to tell me we're pregnant.
• Mar. 3, 2005 1 yr anniv. from the day we miscarried our first baby.
• Mar. 16, 2005 My sister had her baby boy, Jacob Jude.
• May 16, 2005 Admitted to hospital for premature dialation, resulting in uterine infection
• May 25, 2005 (Mom's b-day) Cerclage was placed to try to save our baby.
• May 27, 2005 I was induced, the infection in my uterus became life threating to me. I gave birth to our son Erik Michael and he died in our arms.
• May 29, 2005 I was released from the hospital.
• June 1, 2005 (Brother's b-day) Our little Erik was laid to rest. Wearing an outfit my MIL made for him, and swaddled in a blanket my mom made for him.
• July 3, 2005 Jacob was baptized, I cried as the priest resited the same words he said to baptize my son 2 month earlier. Also it was the 1 yr anniv. for my 2nd baby I miscarried.
• Oct. 16, 2005 Erik's EDD, I spent the day with my grandma at church
• Feb. 20, 2006 Started attending Wee Care Support Group meetings to help me cope with my losses.
• Mar. 16, 2006 Sister's baby Jacob turned 1 yr old.
• Apr. 10, 2006 Started seeing my RE again to get back to ttc.
• May 14-21 We spent a week in Disneyworld Resort-Our early anniversary trip
• May 27, 2006 We did a balloon release at the cemetary for Erik's 1 yr birth day.
• June 1, 2006 I got my memorial tattoo, 1 yr anniv. of my baby Erik's funeral/burial.
• June 26, 2006 I started Blog.ging
• July 2006 Failed Gonal-F cycle
• Sept 1, 2006 We celebrated our 5 yr wedding anniversary.
• Sept 11, 2006 My sister announces she's pregnant, again.
• Sept 26, 2006 Failed Gonal-F cycle
• Oct. 16, 2006 Erik's EDD.
• Oct. 20, 2006 Had another Hysteroscopy, and a Laproscopy (tubes were blocked, but were successfully opened.)
• Oct. 25, 2006 Richard had a S/A and got an A++
• Dec. 27, 2006 RE ok'd cyst was small enough to start new cycle of injections for an IUI
• Jan. 1, 2007 3 Yr anniversary of TTC baby #1
• Jan. 2, 2007 Day 1 of Follistim shots.

I'm hoping this year is the year we can have a successful pregnancy. There's nothing more we could wish for in this year than to hold our baby in our arms. Our faith will have to pull us through.

Happy Holidays.

Ok, before I tell ya about my Christmas, I have GREAT NEWS! Last Monday at my support group meeting my friend Velma, bless her heart, she got pregnant & miscarried a 16 wks. Well, she told me she had something for me in her car, so after the meeting I followed her out and she gave me 2 boxes of Follistim, unopened, refrigerated, unused boxes. She said that the drugs were left over from the study she quilified for, and she wanted me to have them since she was not gonna be ttc for a while. So I graciously took it. Velma & I coincidently have the same RE. So this morning I went in for a baseline ultrasound, and I took the drugs with me. I wasn't sure that my RE was gonna approve, but it was "worth a shot." Well after the u/s I was told that the cyst had shrunk down to a 14mm. We really need it to be <10mm. So I'll have to be on BCP for 2 more days. After that, I'll hopefully have a visit from AF within 5 days and on Cycle Day 3 I can start Follistim! WOO HOOO! I'm so excitied! My RE gave me a new pen & a DVD to show me how to "dial up" the correct dosage, but she said the drugs were good as long as they stayed refrigerated. I was so excited. She told me that I was so lucky to have these drugs just given to me. I did offer to pay Velma for them, but she refused to take my money since the drugs were given to her for free from the study. My goodness, if this cycle is THE ONE, my baby's middle name is gonna have to be Velma as the biggest Thanks I could ever give. But if its a boy... We'll have to rethink that. "Velma" doesn't sound to masculine. LOL, I guess we'll get there when we get there.

So Christmas Eve we spent it at my parents house. My family was all together so of course we had a good time. I made dinner, and my mom and sister made desserts. We all ate, then opened gifts. Then my brothers opened a bottle of Tequila. Between the 3 of us, we put away a bottle of Sauza Hornitos Tequila. We did shots, so the bottle didn't last long. Then they wanted to start a new bottle of Crown, which I found out on Christmas that they started & finished around 5:00am. Bad, bad, bad. I didn't stick around for that. We left around 11pm to my sister in laws, and we played "Deal. or No Deal" on her tv. It was fun, especially with a little alcohol to make me brave, lol. We spent the night there, then had Christmas breakfast the next morning with my in-laws. It was good. We opened gifts there, then we hung out a little while then went home. Once we got home, we were exhausted. But not to tired to open our gifts. So we sat on the floor next to the tree and gave each other gifts. By gift #3 I was in tears. Everything that I got Richard was wrong. He already had the CD that I gave him (he has over 600 cds, how was I suppose to know he had that one? Guh.) The radio walkman he wanted didn't have an AM setting, it just had FM. He really wanted to listen to Sports Radio on the AM setting, and I didn't even notice when I bought it, it didn't have it. Ok. Then the beard trimmer thing I got him, his mom gave him the exact same one... CRAP! I couldn't help but to cry. Now I feel stupid for crying about it, but at the time I think it was just emotional moment for me. Richard felt so bad, that I felt so bad about it... He tried to cheer me up, and told me I wasn't allowed to open any gifts till my "tears were tucked away." So I put them away and tried to enjoy the rest of the day. After we opened them, we cleaned up then went to visit my little Erik. When we got to the cemetary, he had all kinds of new Christmas "gifts." He had a stuffed brown puppy wearing a red scarf, pointsettas, a green bow on his marker, and some snowman & present picks. It was so CUTE. I loved it. We took him some fresh gerber daisies, a new green & silver pinwheel, and a christmas statue of a little boy knealing before the cross. (I took a few pics I might post later.) Richard was sick w/fever & feeling achey, it was so cold and the ground was really wet so we didn't stay very long. We were there maybe 15 minutes. This Christmas was so much easier on our hearts, it was still hard at times, but over all it was a lot better than last years.

I, like many others, hope that this Christmas is the last one we have with out a baby in our arms.

So from mine to yours.
Merry Christmas.

BIRTHDAY WEEKEND

Friday I took the day off...because.... It was my BIRTHDAY!
I turned the big 2-6. I took the day off work and went and got pampered. I got a massage, mani/pedi, eye brows waxed and hair cut. I walked out of the spa feeling like a new woman! I can't believe I got a short hair cut, but its growin on me. It sits on top of my shoulders so its not THAT short, Richard likes it... So that's a good thing. That evening he took me out to dinner at my favorite resteraunt, Joe's Crab Shack, and I had the BIGGEST plate of king crab ever. I ate crab like there was no tomorrow. I absolutely LOVE crab.

Saturday was my parent's 28th wedding anniversary. We gave them reservations to stay a night in a snazy hotel in Galveston in a room over looking the Gulf. And my sister & brothers gave them dinner reservations out on a steam boat tour. Sunday they came back with beautiful pictures and stories to tell. We got together for dinner Sunday evening to give them their gift, and they LOVED IT. When they saw the pictures, tears welled up in my daddy's eyes. It was so sweet. We told them how we all had such a great time together for lunch and at the Galleria how the guys were misbehaving and it was like we were all kids again, enjoying ourselves. It really was probably the least expensive gift we've ever given to them, but seeing the looks on their faces, said it all. It really meant the a lot to them. We had so many great pics from that afternoon, we made my mom a "brag book" and we filled it up with all the rest of the pictures.

This morning my husband woke up and said, "Its Sunday, right??" I hate it when that happens. This weekend flew by so fast, we needed one more day to sleep in. We just had a really busy weekend. In between times were spent last minute Christmas shopping, and cleaning... I'm tired. But I have to say, my hair looks GREAT! lol.

Our Pics

Here are the pics from this weekend. My siblings and I got together to take these pics as a little surprise for my parents anniversary. We're having one blown up & framed for them, and we're giving it to them this weekend. I know my mom's gonna cry. These are the first pictures we've taken together in over 15 years. Just two months ago my family was reunited for the first time, and now we're never letting go of each other. So here they are. Enjoy!
















Me & Christy

















Steve, Jennie, Christy, Eddie















Jennie, Steve, Christy, Eddie

weekend

Yesterday my brothers and my sister and I got together at the Galleria Mall in Houston to take pictures. My parent's 28th wedding anniversary is this coming Saturday (the day after my 26th Birthday) and we secretly planned this little get together to take some pictures. It went well, for the most part. Yesterday was the first time ever that all of us kids got together without my parents. My friend Amanda has this badas$ professional photographer-lookin camera, and offered to take some shots of us. She's gonna put them on a CD, and my sis and I are gonna choose the best one, have it blown up, and go in together and have it matted & framed as a gift to my parents. The last picture my siblings and I took together was for swim team and I was 8 years old. Both my brothers have been gone for a number of years (which I won't go in to) but now our family is back together for the first time in over 15 years. So I know this picture is gonna mean a lot to my parents. I can't wait to see it finished & framed.

The down part of the day was my sister, being pregnant, and completely over doing the "ah, I gotta go pee again. Lucas is sitting on my bladder" every 15 minutes. Then my brother's wife asked if she's gonna breastfeed this baby too, if it hurts, BLAH BLAH BLAHHHH. Everyone joined in the conversation and the only way to keep myself from falling apart was to excuse myself, and walk away. Before I left I asked her to please change the subject. That didn't work. Then I looked my sister dead-straight in the eye, and asked a second time this time a little more stern. PLEASE CHANGE the SUBJECT. Didn't work... She went into all kinds of graphic details of what it felt like for her milk to come in, the terrible sensation of dry nipples.... I just couldn't take anymore. So I walked away. I know I didn't get to nurse my child, but I do know what its like to get my milk in. And nothing is worse to have lost your baby, then have a painful reminder like breast milk, something so nurishing to a baby, let go to waste. Then binding my breasts as tightly as I could, so I'd dry up. Stuffing cabbage leaves in my bra, since old-wives tale says that works... Stepping out of the shower and dripping milk... It was tourture. How cruel could my body be to me? My body knew I had my baby, but it didn't know I lost him and didn't need breastmilk... Yes, after a year and 7 months. It still hurts.

I want to tell my sister how I felt yesterday, but I don't know that I can. She's never suffered a loss, so how can I expect her to understand? She knows how hard this pregnancy is on us, and for the most part we've been TRYING to be ok with everything. But I nearly lost it in the mall yesterday. I bit my lip, sucked up the tears, and refused to let her make me cry. Its been a long time since I've felt that helpless, and defeated. Why couldn't she just change the subject? Why is she so insensitive at times? Doesn't she know that the holiday blues on top of baby blues only makes things worse? Maybe I'm wrong for expecting her to think outside her little innocent box... Perhaps she can't see past her "rosey shades" (which she shouldn't have to) to see that life is not peachy all the time for everyone.

Anyhow... After I got home Richard held me, and let me vent some. Together we went to the cemetary, decorated Erik's place for Christmas, and that was so stress relieving. I am so thankful that I at least have a place to let go of my pain, and feel close to my baby. When I leave from there (it never fails) I always leave with peace and contentment. Its such a precious gift, it has to be from God. There's no way to explain it, its just beautiful. Its an even sweeter feeling when I see holiday decorations there, that we didn't put there. It reminds me that my precious little one is loved, and being remembered by others. Definatly another proud mommy moment for me.

worrying isn't gonna fix anything

it'll only stress me out even more.

Yesterday, I was a mess. A complete emotional disaster. I wallowed in my own self pity all day yesterday and this morning out of no where came this feeling of "everything is gonna be ok." I don't know where this came from, or why? I guess I'm not gonna question it, just enjoy it, and be thankful for another day. Last night I came to the realization that, I got delt a crappy hand, and crying about it wasn't gonna change anything. I can only try to see the good in what I've got, and be thankful that I'm not dealing with anything worse than what I already have. Birth Control isn't all that bad, its just temporary until we fix the ovary issue. I have a great RE, she knows what she's doing, and I am grateful to be under such a close watch. I also thank God that my husband and I have the great relationship we do, and have the finances to fund this on going dream. Its hard to see that the day bad news smacks ya, but I see it now. And I'm ready for the challange.

So, today after work my sister and I have a "date." We're gonna meet up at the spa, and get some MUCH needed pampering. I can't wait! We're getting mani/pedies, brows waxed and our hair cut. We've never gone together, so I'm sure we're gonna have a good time.

Hope all is well with everyone...

I can't believe I watched another

year pass by. All the while I'm still left with the thought that I might never be a mother to a living child.

As you probably guessed it, this morning's appointment didn't go well... I went in for my baseline ultrasound and my left ovary was clear, but my right ovary has a 40.5mm cyst in it (which is 1.58 inches)... So, unfortunatly I won't be able to do one last try I wanted to do this year... Which means we're out of running for a Christmas miracle... I'm upset. Hurt.. Disappointed.. And just let down, right now. I really was hopeful this month. I was so excited about doing the IUI & I was already hopeful that this would be the month for a miracle... Guess this year just wasn't my year for a baby. $&%# ! !
I hate infertility.. As if ya didn't already know that..

So. The the next step is birth control. Ironic, I know... I have to take it for 3 weeks, to try to shrink the cyst. So that puts me at 12/27 for my next appointment. Hopefully by then the cyst will be reabsorbed or at least small enough to get the ok to start injectables. The nurse told me to "look at the bright side, at least you know you can have a couple of drinks" for my birthday & Christmas. Like that's some consolation to being completely incapable of conceiving since I'm on, ahem... BIRTH CONTOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now THAT's something to drink to. Let's friggin celebrate!! Pass me a lime & double vodka why don'cha! UGHHH I'm so upset.

I hate to be the "bad news bear", so I'm gonna go now before the water works begin.
F*** infertility, F*** IT!

CD????????? ONE!!!!!

GIRLS, EXCITING NEWS!!!
I woke up this morning with a pleasant little surprise.... in my undies.
I STARTED! LOL, WOOOO HOOOO. ***doing my insanely funny but embarrassing happy dance*** Cycle Day ONE BABY, uh huh!! uh huh!!! OH YEAHHHH!!!!
I couldn't be more excited to see that AF came to visit. B!tch was late enough, but nonetheless "she's " here now and that's all that matters. Today would've CD67... Man... I guess the Prometrium did its job. I'm stoked! I called my RE, now I'm waiting on her to return my call to schedule baseline u/s & bloodwork, I'll update later.

IUI, HERE WE COME!!!! FULL SPEED AHEAD!

***** Update*****

Re called back. I have a baseline bloodwork & u/s scheduled for this Wednesday 7:15 am.
And I can discontinue Prometium pills, YAY!!!! So now, we start praying that my ovaries are clear, no cysts, so we can get started on injections.

"tars in da ky"

Earlier this week my sister showed my nephew (Jacob 20mth old) the stars. She told him that God made the sky and the stars... She told him that his cousin Erik is up there in heaven, and he is the brightest star in the sky, as she pointed towards the sky. Well. Last night she asked Jacob, just to see if he was listening, and if he remembered what they had talked about. She asked him, "Jacob, where is Erik?" And he told her, in his own little words, "tars in da ky" as he pointed up. Apparently he was listening. When my sister told me this, I had to fight back the tears. Happy Tears, that is. I was so happy to know that my baby is being talked about, loved and remembered. Its heartwarming. And it was a very proud mommy moment for me. I don't get many proud mommy moments, but when I do it stays with me for a long time.

Well, my sister told me they named their baby. His name is going to be, Lucas Levy(pronounced Levi) and her Dr. said Lucas already weighs 7 ounces. She said they chose the names because they're both biblical names, and since her other son's first & middle name start w/the same letter (Jacob Jude), they thought they'd keep that going.

Oh boy.

November 30th. Guess that means no visit from AF this month... CD63

Yesterday my sister found out, she's having a boy. Another boy, I should say. She's due in April, and both her and the baby doing well. **sigh** Good for her... I know that sounds bad.... Its just that Richard and I are having a really hard time seeing her progress with another pregnancy... Its nothing against the baby, its just... well.. ya know. I don't gotta explain, I'm sure yall understand. Infertility has so many ugly effects.

On a brighter note.

Weight watcher update. Tuesday evening I weighed in and lost
**********droll roll please************
2.8 lbs Thanksgiving weekend. YAAAAY! Total I've lost 5.2 lbs, and got my first 5 lb *Star* book mark. Hopefully there will be more celebrations to come, whether its with my weight, or my baby wait.

Cocktail of drugs

Here's a schedule I've worked out for the meds I'm on...

3 hrs before Breakfast-
Prometrium

Breakfast-
Foltabs
Halfprin
Prenatal-U

Lunch-
no pills, wooo hooo

Dinner-
Foltabs
2 pills of Metformin

3 hrs after Dinner-
Prometrium

Now if I can remember to take them all at the right time, I'll be in good shape.

Tueday

CD60, 6:45 yesterday morning I went in for bloodwork. RE confirmed, I'm not pregnant. I wasn't really surprised, cause we didn't think we were anyway. Bad part is, I didn't ovulate. Progesterone was low, crappola! So she Rx'ed me 200mg of Prometrium twice a day on an empty stomach. All my other meds have to be taken w/food, so now I have to carry around pills so I can work them all into some sort of schedule... Anyhow. Prometrium is "micronized progesterone" and is suppose to start my period. I have to take it for 10 days or until I start my period. The side effects listed seem horrible, and I'm trying not to think about them to much and just keep my focus on the positives, I'm just scared. Its like when someone starts talking about head lice, and all of a sudden your head starts itching just thinking about it... Its kinda like that, **as I scratch my head.** So far I feel ok... Last night I got a dizzy spell, but I was already in bed so I was ok. Like I said, I really just gotta stop worrying about what COULD happen so I'm not freakin myself out.

So we had a great Thanksgiving. And an really great Black Friday. I got all my Christmas shopping done. Now we just have to get our christmas tree so I can start wrapping. Which is my favorite part. My mom, sis and I all went shopping together and it was so much fun. We were good girls and didn't snatch anything away from anyone this year (kudos to us) and we didn't have to steal anything from anyone's shopping baskets... Except for a couple of movies, but that doesn't count. We had to. There weren't any more of those movies left that we..um.. borrowed, then decided to buy. But Really, it was so worth getting up early for. Oh! Ohhh! I saw two guys duke-ing it out for a Playstation 3, security kicked both men out of the store and NEITHER one of them got to buy it. It was great!

I can't believe this month is already gone... Geez. Where does the time go?! I guess we'll be doing a December IUI. If I get my visit from AF soon, I should be doing my my IUI around my birthday (December 15th) When I blow out the 26 candles, I guess we all know what my wish will be, probably the same as all you guy's birthday wishes.

Thanxgivin' Eve

Since AF hasn't shown up, am I getting a little tired of waiting & worrying, I called my RE. She told me to come in Monday morning at 6:45am for blood work. She's gonna do a pregnancy test & progesterone count. Today is CD55, and Monday will make it CD60. She's doing both tests to:
1. Check to see if we're pregnant (which I am 99% sure we aren't)
2. See what my progesterone level is "JUST IN CASE" we are pregnant.
3. If we're NOT pregnant she'll know by my progest. level if I ovulated.
4. If my progesterone number is elevated we'll know that Metformin is working and helping me O, without injections.
If we aren't pregnant, she's gonna Rx me Prometrium to induce a period. If we are pregnant... I can't even think of what that would be like.... But I really don't think we are. This is WHY.
Sept 29th CD1
Oct. 19th CBC pre-op pregnancy test came back negitive
Oct 20th I had the 2 surgeries
Abstained until Nov. 5th (CD39)
And here we are CD55, with no sign of AF. Oh well, I guess we'll see what's going on Monday. Till then we're just gonna have to sit tight, and try to have a good Thanksgiving holiday.

Speaking of, I SOOOO can't wait till Black Friday. My mom, sis & I are all going shopping, its tradition. We go every year and fight the crowds, I love it. We're the ones that they show on the news, jumping over baby stollers, stealing stuff from unattended shopping baskets (un-paid for items in the store, that is), and running through the aisles towards the hot items and grabbing 4 or 5 of everything. Its so SOoo SOOOooo much fun. Now THAT is the way to start the holiday season. Getting up at 3:30am, and getting to the stores by 4 to get in line for opening at 5. Yes, its insane, I know. But its way to much fun to not join in. We're normally done shopping by noon. Hopefully we do well.

I better wrap this up. So from mine to yours, Have a Happy & Safe Thanksgiving.

God Bless.