Monday again

So much has happened this past week... Where do I start?!

First of all, AF still isn't here. Its CD53, and I'm STILL (im)patiently waiting. I think I'm gonna call my RE. She told me to give it 2 wks from my post-op appt, and if I didn't get my period to call it in. I'm thinking this means birth control... Fingers crossed it doesn't.

Last Monday my support group Wee Care had our 9th Annual Remeberance Ceremony. The ceremony is done in honor of the babies lost during pregnancy or infancy. The ceremony was absolutely beautiful. Everything was done by the candle light and it was during sunset. It was a very emotional evening yet a very heartwarming experience. To be around so many other parents, mingling, sharing, and really connecting felt so good. We listened to a song called, "My Name" and its written in the point of view of the baby in utero. It says that he knows his parents love him, even though they don't know his name. Then it comes time for birth, and he knows its to soon. His scared, but things begin to get bright. He sees a hand reaching for him and he takes it. As he's being guided not into Dr.'s arms but into the arms of Our Father. As they approach the pearly gates they open for them. Its a really beautiful song, makes me cry every time.
Anyway, back to the cermony... It was really nice, we listened to that song, then we had a moment in silence. The glow of our candles lit the area we were in. We have a concrete bench we stood near. Its a memorial bench and we all have painted tiles with our children's name on it. Each tile is different, once we paint one, the Wee Care facilitator has them grouted & glazed over. Its really pretty. I did Erik's tile with yellow stars a baseball bat & ball and it says "Our Star" his name and birthdate. I haven't made one for my other two babies, but I've been thinking about doing a tile for them too. After the ceremony was done, we close with a prayer and if anyone wanted to share anything they could. A few girls were strong enough to talk, one being a recent bereaved mom. She miscarried her son 4 wks ago. Seeing her strength, MADE me want to share what was on my mind. I had been really hard myself for not being further along with the grieving process as what I'd like to be by now. So I shared that, even after a year and half of grieving I wasn't done. But I recently read, in the book "Lost Parenthood" that a study showed the "normal" time range for grieving the loss of a baby is 2-3 years. I don't know why, but that made me feel somewhat better. Knowing I'm not just a crazy lady, crying for my losses, that its ok to still be grieving. Even though the book said its a 2-3 year process, it also stated that its not abnormal to grieve after that point. Its just an average. After the ceremony was done, we mingled, I met some of the parents & in-laws of some of the bereaved moms. I also got to meet some of their children they had after their losses. It was enlightening to see their involvement with the ceremony. One little boy said that he sometimes dreams of how beautiful she must be in heaven. I had to fight back the tears. I can only image what its like for a child to feel the effects of a loss, along with thier parents.

Well once we left I felt really good. I felt I really got to connect with the others, and I felt really happy to have honored our angels in the way we did. Our children we lost don't get to have big birthday parties, or soccer games. We as parents of angels don't get to attend kindergarten graduations, or get handmade Mother's Day cards made with elbow noodles... This, the Rememberance Ceremony, is all we have. Its our one and only real get together with others that we have to share the special short memories we had with our baby. Its the one place you can talk so freely about your baby, and people really care, listen, and know what you are talking about.

The next day, I got an email from our Wee Care facilitator. She told me, that she noticed me hugging the mom's, and sharing & listening to their stories. She said it made her proud that Wee Care has opened me up to be a caring and supportive person. And she proposed an offer. An offer I don't think I can pass up. She told me that if I would accept the offer, she would like to hand over the Wee Care support group to, yours truly. Me!!! If I accepted she'd pay for me to attend a 2-day RTS training (Resolve Through Sharing). And she would pay for me to attend a facilatator training course.
I WAS SO EXCITED! I can't believe this. This is so HUGE for me. Wee Care is such an established group, with so many caring individuals, and support. I was speechless. I'm still speechless. I haven't given her an answer yet, only because I have some questions before I say yes. She did tell me that I would have a co-facilitator to help me, so that's good. I really want to talk to her about my husband and I, TTC again. I wouldn't feel right hosting support group meetings with a pregnant growing belly, IF we were to get pregnant. That wouldn't be fair for them to have to see me progress through a pregnancy after losing theirs. I know how hard it is, because my sister is pregnant again. So I'd like to get her input on that.
Her plans are to hand the group over for 2008. This coming year would be her last, she formed this group and this coming year would be the 10th year in opperation.

Saturday was my Spa Party. It was great, I have a good turn out and got some free spa stuff for hosting the party & sales. I can't wait to get the rest of my stuff, so I could start to pamper myself a little more.

Oh, and my weightwatcher update. Last week I lost 3.6 lbs!!!! YAY!
So far, so good. I'm a little worried about blowing it for Thanksgiving, but we'll see.

Monday

This weekend went so fast. Saturday I went to a Tupper.ware party, drank a glass of Merlot, and Sunday I went to a Pamper.ed chef party and drank a glass of Strawberry White Zinfandel. (My absolute favorite!) I coulda drank the entire bottle by myself, but due to metformin, weight watchers, and the fact that I had to drive myself home; I was a good girl and stopped after glass #1.

Tonight at 6:30 we're having our candle light Rememberance Ceremony. This will be our second one to attend since we lost Erik. Last year's ceremony was really nice. They had a butterfly release, and it was beautiful to see them fly out all together. I'm hoping they do that again. Its such an emotional, but heartwarming event. So this evening I will be thinking about my angels, as well as yours.

Today's CD46, and we're still waiting for AF... As soon as "she" makes an appearance we can get started on our next cycle of ttc... I'm such an impatient person (hey, at least I can admit it), but in a small way I'm glad she's taking her time. Its giving me some time to convince myself that we should do an IUI this next cycle. I still have a couple of personal doubts about wanting to do it. And I'm kinda scared of what the procedure will be like... I know it won't hurt any more than what I've already been through, but I'm still kinda nervous about it.

My Son

I talk a lot about my son Erik. So I figured I'd share his resting place with yall. Here's where my son, Erik Michael Gonzales, rests.

I spend so much time out here. Sometimes I take a blanket out there and I lay back on the grass next to him and talk to him. On holidays, we take him fresh flowers, "boy"stuffed animals, and balloons. And we make wishes of gifts for God to give him, that are age appropriate for what he would've been. Its just so peaceful out there. Its so open, and free. I've never felt comfortable in a cemetary before, until my baby was buried here. Here is the place where I feel the closest to him. When I miss him, had a stressful day, got good or bad news, I go here to spend time with him. When I'm there my joys are when his pinwheels goes from a still position to spinning so fast it rattles, my joys are when the sun peeks around from the clouds and casts rays in the sky, my joys are when the sun is setting and he shows me that pink and orange really do look good together, my joys are when the wind blows and dries my tears. Its like he's telling me in his own little way that he hears me, loves me, doesn't want me to cry for him anymore.



I know its hard to see his marker through all the stuffed animals & flowers... But its got a blue bow tied to it, if you didn't see it yet. I just love the big blue bunny. On the star on his blue bunny say's "Jesus love me" and when you press it, it plays the song.

God, I so love this baby, I really do. He was, and will forever be my special little boy. Its amazing the love we have for him. The day of his burial, I let him go. But in my heart I will never let him go.

I wish I could show you what I mean about it being so peaceful. Ya really wouldn't get it, unless you've been there before. Jenna knows what I mean. She's come to visit my son once, and when we left she told me it really is a peaceful place. Its so quiet. Its like the world is in slow motion, but time flies. And the only thing thats around you is grass, the sun and the wind. Its a breath of fresh air, and so relaxing to be there. I used to be scared to be in a cemetary, but that has changed. There's nothing creepy or scary about it. There, I'm surrounded by peace, beauty, and genuine love and there's nothing scary or creepy about that.

Thanks to all that have helped and continue to help me through the grief. I don't know where I'd be without the love and support.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Erik Michael Gonzales

Born and passed May 27, 2005

at 12:06pm

Weighing 13.6 ounces, 10 inches long

Taking a baby step for my baby

I decided its time for me to get healthy again. Actually its passed that time, but I gotta start somewhere so that our next baby will have the best start he/she or THEY can have. This past year, I gained so much. I quit caring and was so depressed with losing my son, that I lost myself in the process. Its been a year and half since we lost him, and still it hurts really bad. Some days my heart hurts like the day I held him in my arms, I really can't think about it to much or I'll cry again... I'm a little upset with myself that I'm not doing better than I am. I'd thought by now I'd better, but I'm not. I don't blog about it much, because it the same ole thing. I miss him, I love him, I still can't believe he's gone, and I'll never hold him again. I know he's in a better place, I know I'll hold him again in heaven, I know he loves me as much as I love him, and I know I just have to give myself time... I know. But it still hurts.

So... To get my mind off of my pain for a little while I decided it was time that I start to take care of myself. For to long I've put off exercising, and I remember how well I slept when I did. I've put off eating healthy & drinking water, and I remember how well I felt and how good my skin looked when I did... I have to start to get myself back together again. I think feeling better about myself, sleeping better, looking better may help me move forward. Hell, I know that may sound stupid, but I've got it in my mind that my future baby's health is at stake here. I HAVE to do this for my baby.

So, last night I took a baby step for my future baby and joined weight watchers.

Today is going well. I had a good lunch, and its now 4:00 and I've resisted hittin up the vending machine. So yay for me.

**update** Post Op appt

My appt went well. My RE showed me color pictures of my insides, which btw were AWESOME!!!! I got to see what my ovaries, fallopian tubes & uterus looked like. I do have a pretty uterus, she told me I did a while back, and now that I saw it, I agree. Its so pink & round. It would be even prettier with a baby in there, but oh well. We'll get there.

Q1. What was removed during my surgery?
A. Biopsy report states it was endometrial polyps. Both polyps were removed from the inside of my fallopian tubes. The polyps were acting as veils (like a wedding veil) shielding the opening to my uterus. Kinda like "leaves in the gutters". The sperm can't swim thru it, egg can't get passed it, therefore preventing me from getting pregnant.

Q2. Now that its removed, are my chances increased for a ectopic pregnancy?
A. No, not any higher of a chance as before the surgery.

Q3. What are the chances of this coming back?
A. If we were to have a couple more miscarriages (which of course isn't on the agenda) then there is a chance of the endometrial polyps returning. But other than that, they shouldn't come back. We're gonna keep an eye out for them, just in case.

Q4. What's Next?
A. Wait for AF. Give her 1-2 weeks to make an appearance, and if she's a no show. I'll get a prescription to MAKE her come.

Q5. Once AF starts, what's the plan? Are we gonna do a cycle of just drugs like before? Or are we gonna do an IUI?
A. IUI. There's no sense in putting it off and waiting another month to do it. Doing an IUI will increase our chances greatly now that my tubes are cleared, and now that we know Richard's S/A came out great. There's nothiing holding us back from conceiving... Well, it is up to God's timing of course, but it wouldn't hurt to help things along if we can.

I had a couple other less important Questions that she answered, but all in all. After she did a pelvic exam, looked @ my incisions, she told me I healed very well. And she gave me the Green Light to resume to normal activities, including sex. WOO HOOO!!!


Oh, I almost forgot. She gave me an Rx for metformin. She said I've got a touch of insulin resistance and that should fix me right up.

Post-Op appt.

Today's CD40. And I don't know where the heck AF is. I don't even feel her coming, its weird. I'm not so worried about it, I'm just tired of being prepared everyday for nothin'.

At 1:45 this afternoon I have my post-op appt. I'm so anxious, I have TONS of questions.
Like (most importantly) What's Next? I'm wondering if she's gonna suggest going on with an IUI? Or since my fallopian tube(s) was blocked, and the surgery fixed it, if she's gonna suggest one more cycle of Gonal-f injections just for good measure... Either way I'm ok with whatever my RE suggests. I'm just ready to get the show on the road here. With only one more month left in this year, SOMEONE's gotta get the last BFP. And I totally don't mind if its Me! :)

What a weekend. Saturday Richard and I started our Christmas shopping, we did ok. We're done with 2 of our 7 nieces & nephews. We got a long way to go, but I refuse to stress about that. I've got other more important things going on to stress about. And Christmas isn't one of them. Yet.

Yesterday I had a Birthday party at my house for my Dad. He turns 52 today. It was fun, we had a fish fry and had TONS of shrimp. We had Shrimp gumbo, fried shrimp, boiled shrimp, grilled shrimp lol I sound like Bubba Gump! But really we had shrimp prepared just about every way I can think of, just about. It was so good. And my brother & his wife came over to my house for the first time. My brother really liked my house, it made me feel so proud. Then he pissed me off... Ok. When you show someone your house for the first time, do you think its rude for them to ask how much you paid for it? I do. That's like asking my husband, "How much did you spend on the engagement ring or wedding ring?" That's Rude! My response was, "Richard and I haven't told anyone what we paid for our house, not even our parents. Since no one pays our bills or helped us buy it, we keep it between us. But we did get a good deal." I know that probably sounds a bit rude, but its true. I wasn't trying to offend him, and I can understand his curiosity, but there's some things that you just shouldn't ask.

So after all the guests were gone, I was exhausted. I had enough strength to take the trash out so my house wouldn't smell fishy in the morning, while Richard washed the last few dishes.

It was a short weekend because we stayed busy, so this morning was a t-shirt & ponytail day. I'm so tired.

(A bit of TMI)
Oh, and yesterday we broke the abstainance record. lol.
We figured a day before the appt wouldn't hurt anything. Heck, we were good for making it this long without. We deserved a little fun. And it was groundbreaking, leg shaking goooood.

Have a great Monday. I'll update after I get back from my appt.

Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead)

Yesterday was just a bad day for me. I called my hubby after blogging and he calmed me down some, enough to go back to work and finish out the day. I was feeling so sad, I was sick to my stomache, dizzy, out of breath, and nauseas. I just worked myself up I nearly had an anxiety attack.

When I'm really stressed out, or just down in the dumps, I put on my favorite relaxing CD "Come away with me" by Nora Jones. That CD has some mileage on it! If I had to choose one CD in the world to hear over & over it would be Nora Jones. There's something about it that no other CD can do to me, its so frickin relaxing. Song 1 "Don't know why" gets my attention, song 2 "Seven Years" makes me clear my mind, song 3 "Cold Cold heart" I'm starting to relax, song 4 "Feeling the same way" I'm relaxed and starting to sing along because I can relate to that song, song 5 "Come away with me" I'm singing along, song 6-14 I'm enjoying the CD and sometimes I'm ready to hear it all over again before its even over. I just never get tired of it, I absolutely love it. I should make a copy of the CD, heaven forbid anything every happen to this one. So yesterday I had a "double dose" of Nora Jones, and it worked.

Today my day is going much better, this far.

Today happens to be El Dia De Los Muertos (The Day of the Dead) which is a Mexican holiday. So I'm wearing my purple ribbon in honor of the loved ones I've lost.
This holiday goes back to more than 500 years ago, when the Spanish Conquistadors landed in what is now Mexico, they encountered natives practicing a ritual that seemed to mock death.
It was a ritual the indigenous people had been practicing at least 3,000 years. A ritual the Spaniards would try unsuccessfully to eradicate.
A ritual known today as Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead.
The ritual is celebrated in Mexico and certain parts of the United States, including the Valley.
Although the ritual has since been merged with Catholic theology, it still maintains the basic principles of the Aztec ritual, such as the use of skulls. Today, people don wooden skull masks called calacas and dance in honor of their deceased relatives. The skulls were used to symbolize death and rebirth.

Unlike the Spaniards, who viewed death as the end of life, the natives viewed it as the continuation of life. Instead of fearing death, they embraced it. To them, life was a dream and only in death did they become truly awake.

However, the Spaniards considered the ritual to be sacrilegious. They perceived the indigenous people to be barbaric and pagan. In their attempts to convert them to Catholicism, the Spaniards tried to kill the ritual. But like the old Aztec spirits, the ritual refused to die.
To make the ritual more Christian, the Spaniards moved it so it coincided with All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day (Nov. 1 and 2), which is when it is celebrated today.
Previously it fell on the ninth month of the Aztec Solar Calendar, approximately the beginning of August, and was celebrated for the entire month. Festivities were presided over by the goddess Mictecacihuatl. The goddess, known as "Lady of the Dead," was believed to have died at birth.
Today, Day of the Dead is celebrated in Mexico and in certain parts of the United States and Central America. It's celebrated different depending on where you go.
In rural Mexico, people visit the cemetery where their loved ones are buried. They decorate gravesites with marigold flowers and candles. They bring toys for dead children and bottles of tequila to adults. They sit on picnic blankets next to gravesites and eat the favorite food of their loved ones.

Here the people spend the day in the cemetery, and the graves are decorated real pretty by the people.

In the United States and in Mexico's larger cities, families build altars in their homes, dedicating them to the dead. They surround these altars with flowers, and pictures of the deceased. They light candles and place them next to the altar.


Rest in Peace.
My beloved son
Erik Michael Gonzales
Born and passed May 27, 2005

Baby Gonzales
miscarried March 3, 2004

Baby Gonzales
miscarried July 3, 2004

Baby Jennie (my mom's baby girl she lost before me)
Born sleeping: August 1978

To all my loved ones that have passed.
And to all my friend's loved ones that have passed.

May God's peace and love fill the hearts of those whom have lost someone they truly love.

November 1st

So now that October has come and gone I realized today that I didn't have a period in October. My LMP was Sept.29th, so that makes today CD34. AF isn't that late, but now I'm wondering if the surgery messed up my cycle. I guess its not a big deal if it did, but now I'm in the woods about when AF's gonna show up. The average length of my cycles, over a 16 month period of time is 30.375 days... Call it obsessive of me, but yes I've kept up with my cycle days for over 16 months straight. And I hate that there wasn't a BFP anywhere in those last 16 months.

Oh my god, Oh. My God. Panic attack!!!!!!!!!!! breathe...... Breathe.. Breathe Its gonna be ok.

I seriously an having a lot on anxiety today. One of the gals here at work mentioned there was 4 paychecks left before Christmas. OMG. I haven't even started shopping. What's wrong with me, everyone else has at least started.

But before Christmas is Thanksgiving. Its up in the air if its gonna be at my house this year. I really, REALLY don't want it to be. But two weeks ago it stormed & flooded, my parents evacuated to my house for 3 days, and when they went home they found the roof had collapsed in the living room. So they're repairing the roof, and after they do that they have to replace the floors, carpet, and couches. So I'm sure my house is gonna come up in the Thanksgiving plans.

So many holidays are coming, and I'm not ready. I'm not. God, I miss my baby Erik so much. I feel like such a terrible mommy to him because I haven't even ordered his headstone. What kinda mother am I? (tears rolling down my face)
Damnit.
There are babies that were buried after my son, and they already have their headstones, and my poor baby doesn't have his yet. Why can't I just commit myself to one design and just order it? Why am I being so picky? It shouldn't matter to me what it looks like, its not for me, its for him. That's IT! That. Is. IT! I'm taking a day off. I declare Novemeber 17th is Jennie & Erik's day. I'm gonna go to that headstone place, and I'm gonna tell him what I want and have it made. I'm tired of looking, and feeling so guilty about him still having his temporary marker. Its been 1 year & 6 months, today, since we laid him to rest. I have to see his name in stone. I have to. My baby deserves the best, and its about I give it to him. I know I'll never have the chance to buy him a graduation ring, or car. So this is it. This is the only purchase I will EVER get to make for him that is a big one. I have to trust I'm making the right decision on the design & color. I know its not gonna be an easy choice for me, because its to permanant, but its time. I have to get this for him now. If I want him to have it before his 2nd Birthday, I have to do this now.

YAY! Its Halloween

HAPPY Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope your day is a Spoooooktacular one with lots of sweets surprises.

This morning I came to work with my cute-sy halloween treats and they were a hit. I handed them out wearing my old lady mask and it had the girls laughing. It was so much fun. Everyone brought treats, and surprisingly not all were candy. One gal gave out halloween mugs filled with granola bars and a halloween pencil & halloween straw. Another gal gave out individual carmel dip and an apple tied on top with a orange ribbon, she even decorated the apple to be a jack-o-lantern, its really cute. They look like girl jack-o-lantern with big bow on it's head. My boss gave out orange bath poofs with french vanilla bean Bath & Body works bubble bath. The rest of the gals gave out candy goodie bags, cupcakes & cookies. My boss had on a masquerade sequin mask on, and my other boss had on a Jason hocky mask. Other than them two, I was the only other one that had a mask & dressed up. So we took pictures together. I know now I probably look like a kiss as$, but it wasn't planned. It just worked out that way. Anyhow.

I better get to work. Again, its before 10am and we've all managed to get back up on that sugar high.

Have a Great Day!

Halloween Eve

Its not even 10 am yet, and we've all managed to get ourselves on a nice little sugar high here at work. One of the gals brought chocolate cupcakes frosted w/oreo cookie crumbles for dirt and gummie worms, and a couple of 2 liter sodas... We're bad.

This weekend I made my halloween treats for tomorrow's office party. They're super cute! I made (stampin up) cardstock black pocket boxes with embossed shiny orange pumpkins & blk/white gingham ribbon, and orange ribbon. I just LOVE them. I can't wait to give them out. One of the gals I work with does crafts and we have just a tiny bit of friendly competition between us. But my crafts are always better than hers, cause I'm just good like that!
Well I am. Can't a girl toot 'er horn every once in a while?! :) Toot TOOooT!

Today I'm working the second half of the day in a different office. YAY! That office is way closer to home. Maybe I'll pay my hubby a little visit at his work to take him a treat. ME!

Ok woman to women, this abstaining thing is getting really hard. We're not suppose to till after my post-op appt, but I don't know how much longer we can hold out. We almost caved, ok I almost caved yesterday. Richard's been so kissy kissy on me, and its killin' me. I politely asked him to stop, and he's like... "I can't help it, I'm just 'lovin you lots & lots.' (phrase we use from a song in the movie, "That Thing You Do.") This is sad, but seriously last night I prayed for the desire to go away. I ended up falling asleep praying, so I guess God heard me.
Gah, its not suppose to be this tough. I've lived the majority of my life without it, what's my problem that I can't hold off a couple wks?! I'm so weak. If Richard caves, we're in trouble.
Next Monday is my post-op appt. I can't promise that we'll make it till then, but we're definatly gonna try.

Day 7 Post-Op

My incisions are healing and the pain & swelling is pretty much gone. Still have a little pain when I bend down to pick up something floor level, but other than that, all is well. My belly button incision looks the best, the bruise is now in the yellow stage so its looking somewhat better. (Yellow is still yuck, but its better than dark purple bruises) The lower incision looks good too, just not as good as the other. It looks like ------ that long. My only problem with that one now is that the area on either side of the incision is getting irratated from the adhesive from the bandages, and it itches. I'm trying not to scratch but sometimes I just can't help it. I know scratching is bad and it only makes the skin more sensitive, but its so itchy.

Off the subject... November 18th I'm having a spa party at my house, and I'm getting really excited about it. The last one I went to (was the first one I went to) was so much fun! It was SOooo relaxing, and such a treat to get pampered for the afternoon. I've been using all the facial clensing stuff, and I'm actually seeing a huge improvement. My complextion is clear, my pores are not as noticable. My sister is using the same as me, and she loves it too. With her being pregnant her hormones haven't been nice to her face. She said that when she uses it religiously she sees the difference. My mom (whom never wears makeup or uses anything other than normal body soap to wash her face) started using the "gold" line for over 40 women and she loves it. She has sun freckles, and she said that its actually lightened her freckles giving her a more even skin tone. Anyhow, enough bout that.

This weekends plans... Make my halloween treats for co-workers and do some house cleaning.

Richard's The MAN!!!!

lol He asked me to title this entry like that.

I just got a call from my RE regarding Richard's SA.

9% morphology____________ >4 is normal
8 pH_____________________ 7.1-8.2 is normal
1.4 vol.___________________ 1-6 is normal
60% motility_______________ 60% is the normal range
295 million total concentration____ 20-150 million is normal
248 million moving sperm = A+

I told Richard and he yelled, "YEAHHHHHHH!! I'M THE MANNNNNN!" LOL.
He's so proud of himself, now he's all cocky! (No pun intented.)

I'm just glad his #'s are ok. Now that I know he's ok, and I've had the surgeries and should be ok. I'm really anxious to get started TTC again. This was the little-picker-upper we needed. Or in Richard's case, the BIG picker-upper! LOL

Day 4 Post-Op

I'm back to work. Yesterday I had my RE fax over a medical release to my work so I can return today, so I'm back in action! I'm doing pretty good (so far) just really glad to be out of the house, and away from Day Time TV. Man, it was bad. I didn't realize how many crap shows go on during the day, till I was forced to sit, rest and relax on the couch. I really wanna be a stay a home mom... But I'm thinking about chaning that title to something more along the lines of... Shopping Soccer Mom, or Mall Shoppin' Momma. Well, now that I think about it, I'm sure the little one(s) would be keeping me busy enough to not have time to watch day time tv... I hope.

Richard had his appointment. I went with him as moral support and I think just me being there made it rough for him. He said it didn't, but I feel it did. He got his cup & instructions and we were put in this huge dr. office room. It had a small chair, and an examining table in it... Nothing else. No visual aids, like I expected, or anything... Poor guy. He was so nervous, and I was nervous for him. I tried turning off the lights, but that made it WAY to dark and he was worried about spilling or missing... There were so many people walking by the door, and talking in the halls... It really made it difficult for him. I won't go into anymore details, but he did it, finally. He said it wasn't his best, but he did it. So I'm proud of him. He was under so much pressure. I had to be at the hospital at 11:30 for check in, so he was really rushed to produce his sample. And with it being his first time to do that, and being under so much pressure... He's a real trooper.

We got to the hopsital, got checked in, and I slipped into the "fashionable" hospital gown. We waited about an hour in little holding area. When it was time to go, Richard gave me a good bye/good luck kiss and when I opened my eyes, we both had tears in our eyes. I could see the fear in his eyes, and I know he could see mine. I just said a quick prayer, and took a couple of deep breaths of the "oxygen" and drifted off to La-La Land. Anesthesia sleep is the deepest sleep one could experience. I lost track of time, day, everything. And I never dream while I'm under. Its just enough time to close your eyes, and open them and its all over. No pain, no recollection of what just happened, its so weird. I guess that's why its so scary.

After the surgery my RE showed Richard some color pictures of what my insides looked like, then what they looked like after the surgery was done. Apparently, from what little info I can gather from Richard, I had adhesions (scar tissue) blocking my fallpian tube(s) (don't know if it was one or both) But after it was removed the blue dye ran through like it was suppose to. And I had additional adhesions on my uterus. I think... Richard didn't ask her any questions, and didn't really hear anything my RE had to say just that I was ok, and the surgery was successful. I have a post-op appt scheduled for November 6th, and I guess I'll just save my questions till then.

The first night was a bad night. Once the pain medication wore off, I was hurting. Hydrocodone was my saving grace and I spend those first two days & nights on the living room recliner. Getting the bandages off my incisions wasn't fun. One incision is in my belly button, and that one looks really good. Ya can't even see it. I know where its at only because its bruised there. And the bottom incision is doing well too. That one is on the pubic bone area, and the only problem with that one is that when I stand or sit, and the transition between the two, it hurts. It bled a little more than the belly button incision, but its not as bruised as my belly button incision. Yesterday I called my RE's office and begged a nurse to send my work a medical release. My job isn't a very physical one, so I promised her I'd take it really easy here, and I am. Its so good to be back in the groove of normal work. Its healing on my mind.

Thanks for all the prayers & support.

Surgery Day--nervous aimless rambling

Yesterday I went to my pre-op appt and watched 2 dvd's on the surgeries. Both were really good, and pretty informative. The best part is that they actually managed to calm my nerves a little. After the mountain of paperwork was signed at my RE's office I went next door to the hospital to get pre-registered. Man, now THAT was a lot of paperwork & forms... It made me feel like we're closing on another house, how much crap I had to sign & initial. Anywho.
Richard's appointment (to leave his contribution) is at 11:00am at my RE's office, and I have to be at the hospital at 11:30am for check-in. I'm HOPING he'll be "done" by then. He should!

My surgery time got moved up, it was suppose to be at 2:30 and it got moved up to 1:30. The scheduling chick told me that the cerclage surgery she had to do before me, is now gonna be a D&C surgery. My heart sank... Another woman just lost their baby... And I prayed for her.

But I'm feeling ok today. Still nervous, but now its more of a determined feeling. Determined to get this over with so we can move on. I hate worrying. I worried so much I have a nice pimple on my cheek to show for it. DAMN! But I'll be ok... I hope I will... Yea. I'll be ok.

Jenna, if you could ever so kindly to be my contact chica, and post after my surgery is done. I'll have Richard call ya as soon as I wake up. Thanks girlfriend! You're the best!
LOL, like how I ASSUMED you'd say Yes! Heee hee hee. I knew you would.

Anyhow. It's getting close to 9:30 and I'm STARVING!!!!! At 11:54 last night I woke up to have a bowl of Lucky Charms because my cut off time to eat was midnight. It reminded me of being in High School again. Before any competition it was tradition that our dance team would snack on Lucky Charms for Good Luck. Gah, I keep catching myself wondering over to the dang kitchen... I knew I shouldn't of baked those chocolate chip cookies Thursday... They're torturing me! All wrapped up on that cute cookie plate...

I better start getting ready. I can't wear any make-up (dr.'s orders) so I guess I oughta at least do my hair.

I'm glad I did take the day off work... I'd be a basketcase there.

When my RE makes an incision on my stomach she's probably gonne see the butterflies I have in there. lol I'm just so nervous.

Please send your prayers.

Sorry bout the aimless ramblings, its my nerves.

I love you guys, and appriciate all the love, support and most importantly the prayers.

Hugs to all,
Jennie

Un Sure-gery day is coming

I'm sure the procedures will go ok, I'm just nervous about the anestesia. That's the only thing that has me freakin' out.

A couple days ago Richard and I had "the talk". We have "the talk" anytime one of us is gonna have surgery and be put under anesthesia. We talk about what the other should do in case something was to happen, if God decides its time to go. And this time, for the first time, I told him I'd want him to remarry. He is such a wonderful man, I'd want him to love, and be loved. And perhaps one day be the dad. Even if it is without me, I would want for him to be happy and share that love. I know it sounds a little extreme to be having that kinda talk when its just outpatient/minor surgeries, but ya never know.

Tomorrow I have a pre-op appointment at 1:15 to discuss what the plans are, and to watch 2 dvd's, 1 on each procedure. And I have to sign all the consents for my RE. I'll post tomorrow when I get back from my appt.

my weekend

This weekend went ok. Friday evening Richard went to my sister's house for a Texas Hold'em tournament. While the guys were there she (and my nephew) came to my house and ended up spending the night. She didn't talk much about her being pregnant, but the next morning at breakfast Jacob pointed to her belly, and says "be-le". She was like, "Yea that's momma's belly, and what's in momma's belly? A baby..." And Jacob repeats baaaaaby.
I'm like great. You taught your 18 month old that there's a baby in there, now whats gonna happen if God forbid you lose the baby? Huh? Ever thought about that? Nooooo. Of course not. You're young, and stupid, and nothing will ever happen like that. HELLLOOOO!!! OPEN YOUR FRICKIN EYES!!!!! Your sister, of your own flesh & blood, has problems maintaining a pregnancy and you just forget (or don't care) and treat this pregnancy like any ole' pregnancy. Yea, I know worrying about it isn't gonna help... But $HIT at least be cautious with what you expose you child to. UGGHHHH. She pi$ses me off sometimes...

Saturday we laid around the house, napped and watched tv. It rained so we spend that day just cuddling.

Sunday we went to a BBQ at Richard's sister's house. Her husband BBQ'd chicken, mushroom & shrimp kabobs. We went over and watched the Texans vs. Cowboys football game and we oinked out on junk food. The Texans got their as$es handed to them, as usual, but that's ok. I'm a true blue, and stick to my team through thick & thin. TEXANS ALL THE WAY BABY!

Today was suppose to be our Candlelit Remeberance Ceremony with our support group. But since its raining & flooding in the area its postponed till November 13th. Also, today is Erik's EDD, and had he been born on his EDD he'd be a year old today... I'm doing ok. Just keeping myself busy and I'm not really thinking a whole lot about it. Just trying to get through the day.

week away

Gosh, its been a hectic week. Last week my boss asked for a volunteer to work in a different office to fill in for a girl that's gonna be out. Of course, me being the nice person I am, I volunteered. So they're paying my gas & milage, woo-hooo!

Anyhow... I didn't know how much work would be involved or what I would be responsible for, but apparently I have some HUGE shoes to fill here. This one lady is taking 2 wks off, and she runs the entire department of servicemen BY HER SELF!!! So here I am, little ole' me, not knowing what to do, how to do it, and who to ask for help... Lets just say, its been a long week. Friday is my last day doing this, so Monday I'll be back to my normal office again. And the crazy thing is, I'm actually looking forward to going back. (oh, gah..Did I just say that?)

Don't get me wrong now, the guys here are super sweet (almost a bit flirty) but they're much older, old enough to be my dad, and they're MARRIED, VERRRY MARRIED. LIKE MEEEEE! But what women doesn't like a little tiny bit of extra attention? But I've been a good girl and haven't paid them much attention... lol Its like that commercial for diet coke. The muscular hot & sweaty construction worker walks by the window just so the office full of women can gawk at him... And you can't help but to "admire" him but wouldn't DARE get caught lookin' or admit to lookin'. LOL Its kinda like that. Oh hell, we're all women here. Ok there's this one, dark hair, hazel eyes, and he's got a cute tight little... uh, I better just stop, I'm gonna get myself into trouble. You know where I was goin' with that one!

funeral

This afternoon we went to Richard's cousin's funeral & burial. Sally was 36 years old, survived by her husband of 6 years and son of18mths. She and her husband TTC for 3 yrs, got pregnant but sadly miscarried. The baby they have now is an IVF baby. Sally passed away on Oct 2nd, from a rare heart disease she was diagnosed with 4 wks ago. Originally her Dr. told her she had a year to live, but God had other plans. The services were nice, but so sad. She was laid to rest at Oak Park cemetary, about 10 yards away from my son. I'm glad my son will have some family near by.

Richard's taking it ok. He's just become extra clingy, which I don't mind. Last night he woke up every couple of hrs and hugged me, or brushed the hair away to kiss my forehead and cheeks. He snuggled up a little more than he usually does... This morning I asked how he was feeling because I didn't think he sleept very well. He said all night he was thinking of what Sally's husband must be going through. And that he hopes he never has to experience that. Death has a way of reminding us that life is short. Anytime someone dies, we always get reminded not to take life for granted, and to tell your loved ones that you love them. I know I don't say it often enough but, I am so grateful for the friends and family I have. Life is hard at times, and I don't know how of if I'd be able to make it without. Life is just to short to take for granted and to hold grudges. Because ya never know if the last "I love you" or "good-bye" you tell someone is the last.

I love you all.

Date is set

I called my RE's office and scheduled my appointments. Thursday Oct. 19that 1:15pm I have a pre-op appt. I have to watch a dvd about both the surgeries, and sign all consents. Then I have to go next door, to the hospital to sign all consents there.

Surgery day is October 20th at 2:30pm. I have to be there 2 hrs prior for paper work & prepping. I'm taking a half day off work Thursday, all day Friday & Monday. And I should be back to work Tuesday the 24th if all goes well.

But I'm so nervous. I know its not "major" surgery, but it still scares me. I hate going under anesthesia, its so scarey feeling like I have no control over my body. I know ultimately we don't have control, but I like to feel like I do somewhat.
Richard has been so clingy lately. He's home today from work, he's running fever again. He was sick all weekend, and it looks like he's relapsed. He wants me to make him soup, but he doesn't want me to leave his side. He wants me to rub his tummy, and take his temp... I have him so spoiled rotten, but he babys me when I'm sick so I have to baby him too.

Anyhow... Today won't go by fast enough. I'm so ready to go home. My head feels like its gonna explode, with this migraine. Took 2 Advils and its not working fast enough... I'm so impatient.

2 SURGERIES and a partridge in a pear tree.

This afternoon I had a sit down consultation appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist Dr. Schnell. It went ok. My start date with her was August 26, 2004, and because we are here over two years later with no baby we're gonna have to start moving a little quicker. Which is fine by me, but still makes be a bit nervous. So here's the plan of action.

Because our last pregnancy was unsuccessful due to the infection, that may have caused some problems. My uterine tissue could be inflamed, not so much to show up on ultrasound or bloodwork, but enough to prohibit implantation for embryo(s). The infection could have also caused adhesions (scar tissue) to develop and can block my fallopean tubes, not allowing egg(s) to ovulate. Oct 16, 2004 I had a hysteroscopy (surgery) to remove a fibroid from my uterine lining which was thought to have been the culprit for my first two miscarriages. Because I have that history that needs to be looked at again. So, in the next two weeks I'm going to have to have 2 surgeries, a hysteroscopy and a laproscopy. Because I need both surgeries, they'll be done one after the other, while I'm under anesthisia. Its an out patient surgery so it'll be done on a Friday morning, and I'll be released that evening. That same day, Richard's gonna have a SA done. So he'll have to provide his "specimen". (If ya know what I mean.) That way by the time I'm healed and ready to attempt the next cycle in a month we'll know how "his guys" are doing.

Once the surgeries are done, I heal. Mid-November we'll attempt another cycle. This time we're going to do an IUI, intrauterine insimination. I'd do my injections just like before to grow the follicles, once they're mature I do the trigger shot and ovuate. (All this is what we've been doing before.) The procedure will be done inner-office and I stay laying down for a while, then I can go back to work. So when the egg(s) comes down, hopefully they meet, hopefully they fertilize and HOPEFULLY they implant in my uterus. And hopefully we can hang on to our sanity for the 9 more months to meet the baby(ies). :)

I'm hopeful, if ya can't tell. Yea, I'm nervous about doing two surgeries at once, but if that's what we have to do... Then by God we will.

P.S. I'll update yall to let you know when the surgery is scheduled for. I'm gonna try to schedule it for the 20th.

pms hormones and venting...

The holidays are just around the corner, and we're not really looking forward to them. I feel so sad that I haven' t decided on a design for a headstone for Erik. Our little angel will have spend another Christmas without one, all because I'm not willing to commit to one design... I'm such a bad mommy.

In January it'll be 3 years that we've been trying for a baby. Its so tiring, and its robbing us from our 20's. Its such a dark place. I know we're aren't alone in this journey, but it feels like we are. Tuesday at lunch, Richard told me, he wants his wife back. Can you imagine what that must feel like? Not just hearing that from your husband, but imagine what he's going through to say something like that to me. He didn't want to hurt me by saying it, I know it was a just genuine feeling that came out. And he's right. I want my husband back to. I feel like this is a personal war we're fighting against infertility, and no one can help. Everyone is on the sidelines watching, telling us to have faith and cheering us on, but no one can help. The Dr's and specialists are there to set up strategic plans for us to try something different to defeat this monster. But at the same time Richard and I are side by side taking bullets to the chest and we can't do anything but just take the pain, try to help each other while we keep fighting. Till either one of two things happen. Either we have a miracle child by the mercy and grace of God's hand. Or we let this beat us, and give in and let it crush us till we die together drained emotionally and physically, childless and grieving for our losses. Not only for the babies we lost, but lost-parenthood, lost-love that we'll never share with a child of our blood, lost-experience of being in labor and giving life to a kicking screaming baby, lost-faith in all that is good, lost-years that we spent fighting this war against something that was gonna beat us anyway, the lose of innocence that we could succeed if we had faith and love in our hearts. There are so many losses that go along with this. Every day feels like another day gone, and we're closer to the end. I can't give up and give in this easily I have to fight, give it my all and hope that if there is a plan for us (like everyone keep telling us there is) that it involves a happy ending. I have to do it for the man that stands by my side taking the same bullets I'm taking and keeps fighting for me. If there is a point to this personal war we didn't want to fight but chose to, I just hope that it ends in our favor. It would make this fight so worth the time and energy... I guess only time will tell.

Electric guitar & CD1

Weird mix, huh! LOL
Yesterday after work Richard got "an itch" and wanted a new electric guitar. Which is fine, however he doesn't know how to play one... So off to the music store we go. We got word from a reliable sourse that H&H music stores are going out of business and are clearancing all their inventory. So we went. They had 5 guitars to choose from that were all over a thousand dollars... NOT HAPPENING! So we went to the Guitar Center "just to look" (yea right). The salesman that helped him of course wanted to sell him the most expensive guitar. Which I was not gonna let slide, so we agreed on getting a good guitar, not the cheapest ($99) one but not the most expensive one either ($5,000). So he ended up really liking one that was in the budget, and the salesman agreed it was a good one to start learning on, so he got it. So all evening he was tuning it, which wasn't to earpiercing because he doesn't have an amp, yet. But today he's going to pick up his brother's extra one he's letting him borrow. UGH, thanks a lot Brother in law! I've gotta stock up on earplugs now.


This morning AF woke me up.
I called the nurse triage line to report it, and the nurse just returned the call back. She suggested that I keep my Monday appointment for the consultation, which will be CD5 and see what my RE wants to do. I mentioned to her that since I have enough Gonal-F for another round/month of injections I'd like to do that if we can, just so it all doesn't go to waste. She said she's seen my RE start patients on CD5 before so we'll just wait and see.

I'm actually glad AF is here, because she's RIGHT on time. Which is unusual.
Guess I've just got the "get'er done" attitude, so we can get moving on to the next cycle.

Retail Therepy really does work.

In other words... Shopping.

Yesterday I was pretty bummed out so I treated myself to a nice little shopping trip. I needed it. It made me feel so much better and helped me out of the funk I was in. Hell I coulda cried and moped around the house all day long, but chose not to. I bought me 2 pairs of gauchos, 3 blouses, a belt, a pair of sandles, and some new earrings. Oh and a great new hair brush. The brush costed me more than the two pairs of gauchos put together. But its a dang good brush. Its 7 inches in diameter and the barrel is ceramic so when I use the blow dryer it straightens, smooths, and curls the ends under (or out if I want). And it cuts my hair time in half, so it was worth it.

So now I'm waiting for AF. Where ever the hell she's at, who knows. But that's ok. Today's only cd29 so she's not late yet. I guess I'm just impatient and wanting to get goin' on another cycle. This weekend I think I'm gonna have a couple of drinks to take the edge off and "celebrate" the new beginning of a new cycle. Hopefully AF will join me.

Test day FINALLY!

Today is finally the Big Day. Test day. I woke up, we showered, got ready and before we went our separate ways he kissed me, then my tummy and wished me good luck at my appointment. I just know he's so hopeful. I went in, simi-hopeful, gave my blood and went home. The whole way home I thought about what could be happening in my body at the exact moment, a tiny life could be forming, and growing and we didn't even know it. And that tiny life was already loved so much.

So I get home and I wait... I'm expecting a call around 10:00am for results. Its now 8:27am, I'm home watching TLC "The Baby Story" and the phone rings... OMG, its my RE!
I run, grab a blanket and sit down.

"Mrs. Gonzales I'm really sorry..... its a negitive."

My heart sinks.

Negitive. Tears pour from my sleepy eyes.

I tried preparing myself for that earlier, but hearing it confirmed is still something you're never really ready to hear.

God I hate this. Why must I go through this? Why do I have to do this again and again? Why can't I just... MAN!
My husband is the world's greatest, he deserves so much better than this. I did everything right this time. I didn't miss a thing. My levels looked so great, so WTH? Why is this so hard? We did everything right on time.

God... it hurts.

I take a second to gather myself and called my mom. I can't even get out the words to tell her. I'm crying to hard for the words to come out, she knows. I talk to her for a second then to my dad. I'm such a daddy little girl, just hearing his voice makes me lose it. I want to curl up in my daddy's arms and cry. But I know he hurts for me too. He tries to make me laugh, and manages to get a little smile from me. He always does. And leaves me with some encouraging words. I just love him so much.

I call my sister. BIG MISTAKE. Don't get me wrong I love her, but right now I hate her. She's pregnant and doesn't know the first thing I'm going through. The only two hpts she's ever taken she's gotten positives. She has a one year old son, and one on the way. ANYWAYS, she like, "maybe you should just stop all the medicine and trust God to give you the miracle. You're RE isn't God and its not right for yall to be doing all this to try to play God." I'm NOT gonna comment on what I wanted to say to her. I'm a woman and refuse to slump to something less than that by saying what was really going through my mind at the time... I politely excused myself by telling her I have tons of calls to make and hang up with her.

Then call Jenna. Of course she tries to make me feel better. But really, nothing will. I have to cry. At least I know she knows what I'm feeling, and she can offer better words of comfort. Thanks Jenna.

And now I'm posting. Its 9:25am nearly an hour after I got the news.
I thank you all for the kind words of support, for standing beside me, and for all the prayers.

This cycle is done. I guess I'm now off to the next, just like before.
So... For the last Plan of Action for this month.

P.O.A
1. 9/26 (today) Cry, mope, have lunch with Richard, do a little shopping for myself to make me feel better. And maybe have a drink or two.

2. 9/27-29 Work, and look forward to the weekend. Wait for AF.

3. 9/30-10/1 Drink myself to a mess of emotions

4. 10/2 Have a sit down consultation with my RE to see what my next step is.

other 1/2 of hpt

So, I went to walmart during my lunch break and bought a two pack of First Response hpts. I came back to work, and took one. It has a faint, faint second line, to my surprise. I tried taking a picture (high resolution) to share it, but the faint line won't show up on the pic. I tried several times to get it, but can't.

Oh well... I guess now that I have another test left I'll use it tomorrow morning before my scheduled blood work. Come on, you know you would too. Its just I'm brave enough to admit it.

I'm glad I saw at least a faint faint second line. It gave me a tiny bit of hope, definatly more than I had yesterday for sure.

hpt 3 1/2

Last night Richard was telling me again that he is so hopeful. I guess it was obvious that I lost hope because he asked me what was wrong, that it seemed like I lost hope from one day to the next. He then asked, "Did you test?" I was quiet for a second, then confessed. I couldn't lie. He said it hit him that I might have since I was positive for a long time and all of a sudden I wasn't anymore. He was upset. Not at me, but at the fact that he put two and two together that if I tested, and I lost hope, I must have gotten a negitive. I felt so bad. He just put his head down for a second. I couldn't fight my tears, I felt so terrible. He told me it was ok that I tested, and I tried explaining why I had to. The 2ww is a killer, and if I can prepare myself a couple days before the "big test" by doing a "pretest" then why not? I'd rather be prepared for a negitive before I get the call so I don't break down on the phone with the nurse. If I can deal with the negitive at home a day or two before then I feel like when she calls it will only confirm my suspicion, and not be such a shocker and slap in the face. So he asked me not to test anymore. I agreed.

This morning I got up early with him because I had to take him to work, his truck is at his mom's. Anyhow. I wanted to test SOOOOOOoooo bad. But when I take the test off the others in the package it makes a lot of noise, and I knew I was wrong for even WANTING to test. Desperate situations require desperate measures... I grabbed the scissors and cut a test out of the packaging. (A moment I am certainly NOT proud of) I closed the door to the bathroom a little so he wouldn't hear me tinkling in the cup. I dipped the strip and placed it behind my facial clensing stuff so he wouldn't see it. I finished getting dressed, and he went in to do his hair, wash up, brush his teeth, ect. I finished getting dressed and was waiting for him to finish up and he asked since I was done to go ahead and start the car. DANGIT! The test is in the bathroom and I gotta get my hands on it. He took forever, and on my way back inside he was coming out and locked the door. So I had to leave it. WITHOUT SEEING IT!!! SHHHHHEEEEIIIIIIITTTTTTT! So now I'm dying to see it. I work to far from home to go during lunch to get it, and I won't make it back in time. What do I do???? I know. I'll go to walmart during my lunch break, get another test and take it. Gah... I've sunk to the lowest of all lows, I'm such a pregnancy-test whore. Jenna said it, I denied it, but I am. That's just what I am.

I'll post after I get those results.

hpt 1 & 2

I tested yesterday (Saturday) morning. It was negitive. I tried not to be upset because I should be used to seeing bfn's by now, but I guess it never is easy seeing a negitive no matter how long you've been ttc. I didn't tell Richard I tested because he asked me not to test. But now I'm wondering if I should tell him. He's so SO hopeful, and I don't want him to be completely crushed if this cycle was to fail. I know I should have hope, but I don't. I lost what little I had yesterday morning.

So early this morning, I snuck out of bed and tested again. Again it was negitive. I did it for me, I had to try to restore ANY little bit of hope I could by retesting and searching for any reminant of a second line. The test was clear, to clear. It was a definate negitive. Now what little hope I thought I might find, is long gone. I'm trying not to make it obvious to Richard that I'm hopeless, but its hard. He can read me like a book which sometimes is good, but times like this its not so good.

Now if Tuesday's bloodwork comes out that we are pregnant. I'm gonna hit the roof. Right now, hope or faith isn't something I have. So if it comes out that we are successful this cycle someone's gonna have to scrape me up off the floor to revive me. I'm just so sure this cycle didn't take. So sure.
Two more days and we'll know the real truth... But I think I know what it is... Now to prepare my heart and my husband for another another let down, and I hope he's gonna take it ok.

YAY for Progesterone!

Wednesday night my husband admitted to me that he wasn't hopeful last cycle, but this cycle he is. I'm happy for him but I just don't want him to be so upset if he is shot down by another bfn. As for myself, I'm cautiously hopeful. Of course I'd like to get a bfp, but I'm gonna try to not be to upset if we don't... If that's possible.
The ups & downs of this rollarcoaster ride can be so stressful.
This cycle my sister in law asked me to call her before my every step. She wanted to get a feel of what I go through day by day, with all the shots, and cramps, everything. So I am. I call her before I do anything. Its become a hassel for me (and her too I'm sure) but that is what she asked me to do. She didn't understand any of what I was talking about when I told her all the fertility treatment stuff is stressful. Now she knows. Advising me to "just relax" now seems something totally not possible and now she sees that. Of course she'll never know the beginning of what I'm going through but at least I know I've helped her understand a little bit of what its like going through infertility treatment.
This morning I had an appt at 6:45am for blood work to test my progesterone. It needed to be above a 20 and I got a call back from my RE's office and my progesterone level was a 63.6!!!! WOO HOOO. So if we are successful my progesterone level won't be an issue. Its above the minimum, more like 3X the minimum. :) So we're at least on the right track...
Tuesday's the BIG day to see if we were successful this cycle, or not. I'm gonna poas Sunday (even though Richard asked me not to) just to see what it says. I can't stand the wait anymore. If I can I'll post Sunday to update yall.

This weekend I spend off my feet, relaxing and being nothing but a couch-potato. I cooked some, cleaned some, but other than that I've been home. So nothing really exciting to report... Other than today I finally, FINALLY got my new washing machine. I'm sure yall had already forgotten about it. My washer broke the same week my TV went out, and that was at the end of July. The delivery guys picked up my old one (that I had for 1 1/2 yrs) and they dropped off and hooked up my new one. Thank God, I'm done with stinky, humid laundry mats. I can wash at home again. YAY!

Tomorrow (monday) I've got to do another hCG mini-dose injection, I've got to call to schedule my progesterone lab work, and my pregnancy test blood test, and tomorrow I'm meeting with my support group.

I better get to bed... night night!

2ww

So I'm one week down, and I got one more to go. I kinda want it to fly by, and I kinda don't cuz I'm a little worried about getting another BFN, especially after all that I've been through this week (with my sister and all). So for the moment I'm just gonna enjoy the weekend and try not to worry to much. What's done is done. Its not like we can go back and "do it" anymore than we did, so we'll just have to see what next week holds.

I'm not gonna over-analyze every little ache & pain to be pg symptoms. But yesterday I had four episodes of weird pain in my uterus area. I went from a sitting to a standing position, and the only way to discribe the pain would be to say that it felt like my uterus was lodged under my pelvic bone and when I stood up it ripped it out from there. It was this stabbing pain that doubled me over, and made me sit back down. I gave it some time and stood up slowly and it didn't hurt anymore, but it left me sore. All the other episode of pains were not quite as intense... I don't know... All I know is that it hurt like a motha!

Hopefully it was forshadowing... But yesterday Richard and I had chinese food for dinner, and when we were done we got fortune cookies. My fortune read, "Never let your dreams be clouded by the struggle." Hmm, that's a pretty good fortune... I turned it over and it had a chinese word, and its translation... The word was "Children = Haiz-en". Now THAT makes it a really good fortune! Hope its right!

random thoughts

Sorry for the gap in my blog entires... I'm doing somewhat better (Thanks Jenna for helping me gather myself again.) I've been an emotional crying, moping, pouting, feeling-sorry-for-myself, blob for 4 days now. And I've kinda been slowly creeping my way out of the funk, and trying to refocus my attention back on my cycle.

I mentioned my sister is pregnant. Yesterday she told me she's 7 wks. Yay, good for her.
Nothing more to say about that.

On to other things... I started progesterone suppositories Tuesday and will be on them till after we test. Bubbly pee-pee is the new "IN" thing (those who've been on progesterone suppositories know what I mean.) If you haven't had bubbly pee-pee you're missing out! LOL.
I'm also on Estace, and thankfully neither have given me any real side effects. **knock on wood**

So other than that, nothing else is really happinin'.
Side note: Infertility Sucks! I'm sure no one really needs to be reminded, just thought I'd restate the fact.

The unthinkable

Forgive me, I can't go into detail, because my heart is so broken. My sister (ONLY sister) called to annouce that she's pregnant, again.
God, I don't think I have another tear in my body to cry. I just can't believe it...

Triggered

Last night I triggered. And it hurt like a son-of-a-biscuit!

Ok, so I mix the solution with the powder (Novrell 10,000iu) then I prepped the meds and injection site. Then I realized what the pharmacist did... CRAP! Apparently my pharmacist got my needle size wrong, instead of giving me a 25 1/2 gauge he gave me a 27 gauge. I know it doesn't sound like a big difference but believe me, it is. For those unfamiliar with needles, the smaller the number the thicker the needle is, the larger the number the thinner the needle is. That thinner needle wasn't gonna let my meds flow easily through it, I persuaded my husband to give me the shot since he did all my other intramuscular injections for me. So he did. Once he stuck me, he was having to fight the meds through the syrenge. It burned so bad. He finally got it all in, and by 9:00 last night I had a nice big purple bruise on my rear end. I iced it down to take the swelling down some so its a little better today, but its sore. Oh the price we pay...

But needless to say, I've triggered and we're ovulating.
Gah, I hope this works...

P.O.A 9/6/06

I got a call back regarding my bloodwork they took this morning.
Yesterday my estrogen level was 238, today its 462. So now for my Plan of Action.

P.O.A
9/6 (today) 75iu Gonal-F injection, start taking 81mg Asprin to increase endometrial thickness, and start Estrace 2mg.
9/7 Trigger! 10,000iu Novrell (hCG) injection intramuscularly. (no sex)
9/8 Day 1 Sweet Lovin
9/9 Day 2 More Sweet Lovin
9/10 Day 3 And one more day of Sweet Lovin (if we can muster up the energy.)
9/12 Begin progesterone suppository 400mg
9/15 Mini dose of hCG 2.5k units injection
9/19 Mini dose of hCG 2.5K units injection
9/26 PG TEST! ! ! !

5 day weekend

Friday was our 5 year wedding anniversary. It sure is amazing how time flies. I can remember the day my daddy walked me down the aisle like it was yesterday. At the time I didn't think I could love my husband anymore than I did that day, but now, five years later my love for him is far beyond words can describe.

Friday I took the day off and enjoyed my day at the spa. The massage was wonderful, it ended up being a 2 hours long. I left there feeling 2 feet taller, so relaxed (almost intoxicated.) I am definatly going back to him, he was so good with his hands. From the top of my head to the bottom of my toes, I felt amazing. Then I went to my hair appt to see Arthur, ya know-the gay dude. Well anyways, 2:00 rolled around and I went to his suite. He wasn't there. So I told one of the girls that I was gonna wait for him in the waiting area. So I waited, and waited... An hour passed, still no Arthur. That doodee-head stood me up! So I ended up having my hair done by his partner Donna. It came out cute, I really like it.

Saturday we left for the weekend. I went to San Juan catholic church, then we went to Progresso, Mexico to go shopping. Later that night we went to a family BBQ in Mercedes, TX and visited my relatives. We had so much fun.

Sunday we drove back to Port O'Connor to go fishing. My sister met us up there and while the guys went boating and fishing, we took my nephew to the beach. It was Jacob's first beach experience, it was so funny to watch him. He was running in circles screaming, "Outside! Outside! Outside!" He had a blast. I took tons of pictures for my sister.

Monday the guys went fishing again, and we went back to the beach. Monday afternoon we came home and slept the rest of the day.

Tuesday I caught up on my chores, and today I'm back to work.

On to TTC news.
We're moving FAST. I started my injections Friday, today I had an ultrasound to check my follicle progress and on my
Left ovary: 15.7 , 15 and 3 little ones
Right ovary: 14, 12, 11 and 2 little ones
The nurse said that I she's gonna wait for my blood work to discuss it with my RE, and she'll call me back to let me know what my dose will be. Yesterday I had blood work done and she said my estrogen was good, so she dropped my dose from 150iu to 75iu. She said I have one to two days of growth left for my follicles then we'll trigger. I can't believe it! It just seems so fast. The only one not-so-good thing is that my lining was 6.3 and she'd like to see it at an 8 or more. So hopefully that'll fix itself. But other than that, we're on a roll here.

Spa Day

So tomorrow for my anniversary I'm having a spa day WOOOO HOOOOO, compliments from my loving husband of 5 years. Tee hee hee, I'm so giddy! At 12:30 I've got an appointment with "Phil" the ::in my nasal-ly voice:: "Plaza Salon's top massage therepist" for a one and a half hour full body massage.
Wait, it gets better. Then, at 2:00 I'll be having my hair done by ::again in my most nasal-ly voice:: "Plaza Salon's award winning hair professional, Arthur" He sounded so flamboiant! I'm no homophob, don't get me wrong, I do have a couple of gay friends and they happen to be the best shopping partners, and they can do my make-up way better than I can. But this guy, wooo, he sounded flamin!!!! So he must be a really great hair stylist.
Oh excuse me, hair pro-fession-al. To be exact.

I am so excited. I can't wait.
Tonight I'm going shopping, I gotta get my hubby a gift. Last weekend while we were in Radio Shack getting batteries for our home phones, he asked me and the girl behind the counter. "What is the 5 year anniversary gift?
Ya know how the 1 yr is paper, two or three year is a clock...
Isn't 5 year the IPOD year?"

That lady and I laughed. I was like "Nooo its not the IPOD year, sorry honey. I think the 5 year gift is the diamond earrings year!" He's so silly! But he's been an excellent husband and best friend to me. And we've been through a lot these past couple of years (infertility and losses) and he has taken it with stride, and he has been my rock. So... I'm gonna get him his IPOD. He wants the 30 Gig one, because it holds a couple thousand songs... So I'm gonna get it for him.

happy day

I am in such a great mood today, I feel so positive right now. We haven't even started our injections yet, and I'm already so anxious, and hopeful. I'm not getting my hopes up yet, but if this cycle we are successful we'd have a June baby. YAY!

I called triage, and she called me back. I am to start my Gonal-f 150iu subcutanious injections on Friday, Sept. 1st. Which is Richard and my 5 year Wedding Anniversary. Great Gift! And if this cycle is successful that would be an even BETTER gift. Ah, my head is spinning just thinking out that. GAH, I'm spu-ing happiness everywhere, if you don't wanna get clabbered by it, then get out of my way! Because right now I just have this "cloud 9" feeling. To think, AF could bring on such happiness and bliss. Man, right now I love her. I don't say that often, but today I will. Its crazy how celebrated and happy I am. I'm not gonna question it, I'm just gonna enjoy it.

Back to business. Ok. Here's the Plan Of Action. Its pretty much the same as the other, only this time I have dates.

P.O.A.
1. 8/30 Wed. start AF, CD1
2. 9/1 Fri. start Gonal-f inj. at 150iu (My anniversary)
3. 9/1-4 going on a little weekend vacation
4. 9/5 Tues. blood work appt with RE at 6:45am.
5. Once we get results, we'll go from there.

AF is finally here!

(wiggling in my chair doing a "happy dance") She's finally here. I knew it was her.
Gah, it took er long enough! Yesterday was CD41, but that's ok because today is CD1!
Which reminds me, I gotta call the triage line to report my cycle.

Happy Hump Day!

AF? Is that you?? (TMI)

I see a tiny, TIIIIIIIINY bit of pink spotting when I wipe... I'm thinking its AF, but don't know. I HOPE it is, that way we can start out next cycle of injections this weekend. So AF if that's you, COME ON, HURRY IT UP!

Had a good weekend

My weekend was great. Friday night Richard and I watched my nephew Jacob. It was so much fun, we played all night. He finally fell asleep in my arms around 11:30pm while watching the Lion King. When my sister and BIL came to pick him up he was fed, bathed, and asleep. She was so happy. So they ended up crashing at our house for the night. Saturday morning I made a big breakfast, and Jacob at lots of fruit. (Good thing his mommy had to change that diaper.) Saturday afternoon Richard took me to the mall, and to lunch at Panera Bread. It was so good. Then we went to Best Buy to talk to them about my washer that's still not fixed (and its been a month), then we went to Borders book store. I got this new book that's GREAT!!!! It was only $17.95 and I haven't put it down since I got it. Its called "Riding the Infertility Rollarcoaster". I'm not a big book worm or anything but this book has me hooked. Its all about the emotional ups & downs of infertility. I really appriciate that the author of the book Isn't a Dr., but she's actually a "infertility survivor". The book is written in her point of view, and there are several couples stories in the book. All with different endings. One used an egg donor, one couple adopted, another quit TTC and has learned to live and love "childfree", and there are a couple of other different endings to the couples journeys. ( I don't wanna give it all away in case ya wanna read it too.) It really is a good book. Right now I'm reading about stress and how it can and did effect the author's second IUI. I'm thinking about taking a couple of days off work after I trigger... It won't hurt to try to lesson the amount of stress I have. Who knows, maybe then it'll work.

Anyhow, on a sour note. My boss is back. POOP! She was suppose to be back Sept 1st, but she shorted her vacation and is back today. Oh well, it was good while it lasted.

Oh and still no signs of AF. I must start before Wednesday or else I'll have to go back to the RE for an ultrasound to see what the hold up is all about. So I'm hoping "she'll" visit today so I can be done by my Anniversary on Friday. We'll see.

Cows DO fly!

So this morning I went to my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) appointment. I've been praying for two weeks that this ultrasound would show that the monster cyst in my left ovary was gone. The u/s tech started doing the scan and it seemed like she couldn't get to it fast enough. I wanted results NOW! So she inserted, the "wand" and she showed me my uterus, and how the lining was thin because of the bcp. Then she showed me my right ovary, it was clear, I knew that. Then finally. To the left ovary. I took a deep breath, and looked. She was kinda quiet, so I got scared. There IT was, I saw THE cyst. My heart sank a little. She told me if its under 10mm then we wouldn't require surgery. A 10 or more, will have to cancel the next cycle and I'd have to undergo a lap. She started measuring. Come on, come onnnnn....... The suspense was killing me. I sucked my stomach in, as if that was gonna make the cyst look smaller (silly me). "Its an 8mm." YES, thank you Jesus. I let out a huge sigh of relief. I couldn't help but smile through the rest of the scan. At that point I could care less that the dang wand was still in my "cha-cha", it SO didn't matter. I was saved from surgery, whew! And I can stop bcp, wait for AF, and start another cycle of injections. YAYYYYYYYY!!!!! She gave me the prescription, I went next door and the pharmacy didn't open for another 30 minutes. Poop.

Oh well, I started back to work, stopped to get me a breakfast taco, and I saw a hot air balloon. It was so pretty, it was yellow with a blue stripe. Then I saw another hot air balloon, and another, then three more... I was driving closer to them and ended up having to stop because I happened to be driving by the field they were lifting off from. It was beautiful! I saw a wagon shaped balloon for Wells Fargo Bank, and a bottle of syrup balloon for Aunt Jamaima (sp?) syrup. Then I saw this balloon with white with black spots... I wonder what it is... As they were airing it up it looked like a dalmation... Then the utters aired up. LOL Nope not a dog. Its a cow, its a Schepps milk cow! And "she" was huge! I watched "her" get aired up and finally lift off. I thought to myself, "I'll be darned. I have a great dr. appt., get breakfast, and get to see all these beautiful balloons take off. What a morning. " It was so neat. I snapped a few pictures on my phone of the cow being aired up, and of the cow "flying". I really enjoyed it, it was such a great way to start my day. I finally looked down at the time and I had been there for 30 minutes admiring the hot air balloons. That means the pharmacy is open. So I went back, got my meds, and came to work. I got to work at 9:30 but who cares, nothing can bring me down from the "high" I had this morning.

Plan of action:
1. Stop taking bcp and wait 2-5 days for AF to arrive.
2. Once AF arrives, call & leave message with triage line.
3. CD3 start injections.
(This cycle I'll be on 150iu of Gonal-F, injected subcutaniously ((under skin)). My last cycle was done intramuscular ((in muscle)) and my body reacted ok. But since I got preg year doing 150iu subcute, she's gonna have me do that again.)
4. Do injections in my belly fat by my belly button CD3-7 and go in for an u/s to check the progress of follies.
Then we'll go from there.

Thursday 13

1. I got new glasses this week.
2. I was gonna get contacts, but I've been in them for years and wanted something different.
3. My frames are really cute, they have a little "bling" on them.
4. Not a lot to really notice it, but just enough to proclaim my Princess status.
5. Yesterday my Grandma was in the hospital for chest pains.
6. Thank God she's gonna be ok.
7. They ran a bunch of tests, and passed a scope through her ateries and didn't find enough blockage to have to do an angioplasty.
8. So she's gonna be on meds to dissolve what little blockage she does have.
9. Today the Dr.'s are letting her go home, YAY!
10. I'm gonna go see her after work.
11. Tonight I gotta clean my house.
12. Tomorrow Richard and I are gonna babysit my nephew Jacob (18 mths).
13. Richard offered to watch him, so its gonna be fun to see how well he does.

my relaxing weekend

This weekend was a relaxing one. Friday night Richard played poker with the guys at my sister's house, and I went shopping. So we both got home pretty late. Saturday morning my sister had a "Spa Escape" party at her house and she served brunch. The food was good and the party was so relaxing. Imagine this.... The lights were off, soft music and candles going, we had our warm neck wraps on, cold hydrating eye lid patches, and our feet and hands were being exfoliate in seasalts, and warm lotions. ::Sigh:: Reeeeeeelaxing. It felt amazing. And it was SO needed. I had such a great time, I booked a party at my house. Its gonna be in November, and hopefully I'll be pregnant and needing to relax by then. I couldn't help myself when it came to ordering. I wanted EVERYTHING. I bought the complete cleansing set, and the cold eye lid patch thingys. Saturday night we made it date night, since I was all made up and feeling great. Richard took me to Chili's for dinner, and we went to the movies. Unfortunately we went to the movies at 8 and that's the hour no movies are starting. We didn't want to wait till 9 so we went across the street to the dollar theatre to see if they had any good movies and starting around 8, and they did. So we saw, NACHOOOOOOOO LIBRE!
LOL, it was SOOOOOO funny. I loved it. I laughed so hard, I just love Jack Black. He's hilarious in this movie, if you haven't seen it, ya gotta see it. Just be ready to laugh your butt off. I tell ya, when that movie goes to DVD I'm so getting it!

Changing subject... I think throwing my cycle off by two weeks with birth control is now catching up to me. I'm PMSing so bad. Normally I don't have bad symptoms, but lately I've been having migranes, I'm so bloated, and my back is killing me. Not to mention the huge mountain-like pimple I got on my chin! If all was normal I was suppose to already be done with my period. I just know when I do get my visit from AF, its gonna be awful. Yesterday I had this killer migrane, so Richard, being the sweetest husband he could ever be, told me to lay down and he brought me: two Tylenol extra strength, my cold eye patches from the refrigerator, an ice pack for my head, and a warm blanket. That felt oh so good. I fell asleep for 2 hrs and when I woke up I felt so much better. While I was asleep, he washed dishes, put away the left overs from dinner, took out the trash, and swept and mopped the kitchen. God I love this man. He was so worried that the clanking of the dishes woke me up. I swear, I don't know what I'd do without him.

Today's plans... I'm leaving work at 4:00 to pick up my glasses, and Richard is meeting me there to get his too. Then I'm going to my Wee Care (support group) meeting. I haven't been in a while, so I'm looking forward to it.

weekend plans

This weekend my sister is having a spa party. She has a lady coming over to demonstrate the products and I'm sure it'll be fun. It kinda like a Mary Kay party, but its more spa products and make up, and its a WHOLE lot cheaper than Mary Kay products.

Saturday & Sunday we really don't have anything planned. Richard is practicing with his band on Sunday so I'll probably do some shopping. Jenna & Angie was suppose to come over for the weekend to visit, but the plans changed (that's ok Jenna, I still love you) and we're just gonna have to reschedule our visit for some other time.

Not to much to post about... This coming Monday is my Wee Care support group meeting ( http://www.weecarehoustondotorg/ ) I'm looking forward to it. I haven't been to the last 2 meetings (one got cancelled, the other I just missed) so I really am needing that release.

Hope all is well in Bloggieland!

doing a little better

Friday was a really emotional day for me. Getting not-so-good news from my RE, had me in tears all day. After work I went to the cemetary to visit my baby boy. Richard called me after he got off work and he met me there so we could talk about my appointment. Being out there is so peaceful and quiet, its the only place that I feel really, really close to Erik. Just being near my angel's resting place has this soothing calming effect on us. So we talked, I cried, he held me and we prayed. Erik must have felt my need to comfort, because by the time we left I felt peace in my heart. My angel always comes through for me when I need him the most.

Saturday I didn't do anything. I wrapped myself in a blanket, and permanantly implanted my rear to the couch. Richard was such a sweetheart to let me do what I wanted, which was nothing. He worked a couple of hrs in the morning, then he went to the CD store which is about an hour away. When he came home I hadn't moved an inch, and he didn't have a problem with it. I love him.

Sunday was better. We went to Sugarland to a going away party for my cousin. She was offered a 4 yr scholarship for tennis, and she accepted. So today my aunt and her twin sisters are moving her to Tennessee. She seems so young, but she's only 17, and ready to see the world. I don't know if I could've done that, I'm such a home-girl.
Anyhow...

Today at work we're having our first cake bake-off. I got home so late from the going away party last night, I was so tired I went to bed. So this morning, everyone brought a cake... Oops Looks like I might have to run out to the store and get drinks or somthing. Oh well.

feeling discouraged

I wonder how much more of this I can endure... Its so draining. No one can TTC forever...
How long is to long? When should we stop? Should we stop?
We've been TTC for 33 months, we've miscarried twice had a D&C with baby # 1, and miscarried naturally with baby #2, and we lost our son at 22 wks due to a uterine infection caused by premature dialation. When is enough, enough?

A part of me wants to quit and accept that we will never have a child of our own, and that I should learn to live and love the childless life. (My husband isn't willing to adopt, yet.)
And another part of me thinks that's a crazy idea, that we will have a baby and that I should never give up that dream... But what if its just that?? A dream.

I so hate this...

There's a monster in my ovary

Last night I took my last "active" birth control pill in the pack. So this morning I went to my RE's office to have an ultrasound to make sure the hormones/bcp have cleared the residual follicles (or what she called non-funtioning follicles/cysts) from my ovaries. First the right ovary... Clear! Sweet music to my ears! One down, one to go.
She moved the "wand" on over to the left ovary....
And there that monster was. It was a little bit smaller this time, but it was still there. From the first glimpse of it, my heart sank. I knew it! Damn ovary! Its shrunk down from a 29mm monster to a 19mm monster. Man! So that means I'm back on the birth control for two more weeks. She said that "should" do the trick. But I'm not gonna believe it till I see it. If for some reason that doesn't do the trick, the next step is surgery to remove that persistant follicle, God I'm praying that's not the next step. But she said surgery is of course the last resort. If we can shrink it down with hormonal treatments to less than a 10mm than we can start Gonal-f again and TTC. If not, then I've gotta have a lap.

In case ya didn't know... Or ya need to be reminded...
Infertilty sucks!!!

its been a week since I've posted

So I haven't updated in a while... Let me catchya up. Not much has changed...

Last Thursday the TV repairman called, we scheduled a time and finally got our TV is fixed. YAY! Richard is so happy, and so am I.

I haven't talked to the repairman for my washer in a while, so I called to check on things. I'm glad I did. The warranty company had been faxed the approval info twice, and failed to complete it. So the repairman wasn't able to order the parts needed. I called the warranty company to "set fire to their behinds" and finally got someone to call my repair company. So I thought. Later I called my repairman company back, just to make sure the warranty company had called them, and they didn't! That was 4 hours later. So there I go calling the warranty company back again. This time I'm fuming. I stay on hold for, God knows how long, the dang hold music is pis$ing me off the longer I hear it, I wanna jump through the phone and strangle the sea gulls and flute player, and the guy that finally gets my call isn't helpful. Now, I've worked on the other side of customer service before, so I know how people can be. I try my darnest NOT to be that kind of person, but at this point I'm frusterated beyond belief. I'm trying to hold my nerves because I know its not ALL the guy's fault that's on the other end of the phone. Then he had the nerve to make a sarcastic comment and that just sent me through the roof. I demanded his supervisor, I again hold. GUHHH Those sea gulls... I finally get his supervisor, she defends him for a while and finally gives in. They're not gonna fix it, I'm getting a new washer. I don't know when, but I am.

On to TTC news. I have one more birth control pill to take tonight, YAY! I'm actually getting kinda anxious for my appointment Friday. My RE said I'll have my ultrasound Friday morning to check to make sure my ovaries are clear. THEY BETTER BE, or I'm gonna be really mad a at a certain two little ovaries!!! Once that checks out clear, I should be having my visit from "AF" within the next 5 days. Once, "she" starts I should get to start my new protocol for this cycle. We're gonna be on 150IU of Gonal-F this cycle, with some additional testing. We're gonna have a postcoital test to see if IUI is necessary. Hopefully it won't be. I really wanna do this as "au natural" as possible, aside from the drugs. But, if that's not an option then we'll go from there.

waste of my time

Yesterday I left work at 2:30pm because the repairman for my washing machine called and was on his way to my house. He worked on it for about an hour and he told me he wasn't gonna be able to get it going. He'd have to order a couple of parts, and it'll take 10 days to 2 wks. Crap. So that means we're Washeteria bound.

So I waited for the TV repairman. Can you believe, that basterd never showed up AND he didn't have the decency to call to let me know he wasn't coming. I was so mad. Today I'm gonna call and chew some heads off. That's not right of them. If ya can't make it, fine. At least call so I'm not waiting like a dumbas$ all frickin day for nothing. I'm gonna call the repairman AND I'm gonna call and report that to Best Buy. That is POOR customer service.